How do I respond to people commenting on the age I became a parent

[WobbleBottomBum]

I had my child aged 21. I am now back working in the area I studied for having done retail & admin for 15 years. DC is now 16.

I'm 37 and this is the age most of my professional colleagues are having their first baby.

'Oh my god, I could never have had a child that young!'

'wow, I can't believe you have a teenager doing GCSEs!'

'you are only a 'basic entry level' still. God, I got that out of the way 10 years ago but I guess you were doing the mum thing'.

I'm getting tired of this and find it really hurtful.

Aibu to be upset ?
How do I respond in a professional way? What can I say in response? I normally just shrug or make noncommittal noises.

No matter what point in her life a woman has children people will judge.

Teen - ooh you are too young, you’ve ruined your life.
20s - don’t you want to get your career going first or buy a house?
30s - you are going to make a mess of your career if you take maternity leave / go part time now.
40s - you’ve left it too late, you won’t have the energy.

My best friend had twins at 20 they’re off to university now while I’m still on the school run.
There’s advantages to having kids young.

I’m not sure all those comments are judgemental as such. Just observations!

Sometimes people just make random comments though.

I had my two at 29 and 31 which I don't think is particularly young, but I still get comments about people thinking I look too young to have a 6 year old.

The people who make these comments generally have kids mid to late 30s.... or maybe it's my youthful skin (not!)

I had DS1 at 19 (and I looked about 14 at the time). People usually just comment that I don’t look old enough to have a year old. My usual response is to laugh and say ‘I’m probably not’ and leave it there.

Well that was after years of people assuming he was my brother. In fact, my boyfriend saw a photo of me with DS1 and baby DS2 and his first thought was ‘I didn’t think she had a brother, and why is she holding a baby?’. He just laughed when I pointed out that I was about 30 in the photo and said that I’d clearly always looked younger than I am.

I did meet someone I went to school with who said ‘I’d never have believed that you would have a baby so young’. That’s quite annoying because what they really meant was: you were very clever and did well at school and only badly behaved, stupid girls would do that. That sort of attitude is really crap.

I get similar comments to you, OP, about his people couldn’t have done it etc too (which I just smile and nod along with). I’m very highly qualified and have a good job do usually I get people expressing amazement that I did it as a young, single mum. That’s kind of the opposite of the shitty, disparaging comments you get about your job. But it’s driven by much the same underlying attitude about young mums, I think. It’s just that I get the much less personally insulting (but completely untrue) version in which I must have been much better than a normal teenage mother to achieve anything instead of the sneering about lack of achievement because of ‘the mum thing’.

@ChesterGreySideboard is right: women can do no right. Whatever age we have children at, we’re in the wrong somehow and liable to public commentary on our actions.

I was 18 when I had my first, I’m now 20 with 3 DC (I have 1 year old twins). I get comments all the time, but my children are happy and healthy and loved and that’s all that matters no matter the age of the parent.

I was married at 18 and had my first at 19. I never had any mean comments or sly digs. Why do folks feel the need to pass judgement on other people’s life choices?

I’d be totally upbeat and positive about it OP, don’t let them know they’ve annoyed you. Tempting to say ‘I don’t know how you have the energy, it’s a breeze when you’re younger!’ but probably best not to!

@ChesterGreySideboard

You’re right, seems we can never win!

I get this at times and I had my first at 22.

I find I just say I'm very proud of the work I put into raising a healthy well adjusted almost adult and now I am focusing on me.

Or "isn't it funny how we all do things differently through life, would be so dull if we all followed the same path." With a head tilt and a smile.

I had my first at 18, 4 (and last) at 25, so I was done way before most people start. I enjoy gloating now, because even if my youngest doesn’t leave home until she’s 25, I’ll only be 50 and have plenty of life to live. Those smug women who started at 35 will have years left.

Just smile and ignore and then make comments back to them in 10 years time. “Wow, the school run, I can’t believe you still have to do that at your age, I’m so glad I got it out of the way whilst I still had the energy.”

Disclaimer< I never act like this to those who’ve sufferered infertility or become mothers later through lack of choice.

I second that these are not judgements as such, more people transposing your situation into their lives that they can't imagine. I had my first at 20, now have a good job where my colleagues are just starting to have babies and my eldest is starting university. Lots of people commented on me having a nearly adult child to the point where I felt quite conscious about it. When my 43 year old colleague announced she was pregnant I had to hold myself back from saying something about being horrified at the thought of being pregnant and having a baby at that age I realized that they aren't being nasty, just can't imagine those circumstances in their lives.

I’ve been on both ends of the scale. Had DD at 16 and DS at 34. It’s nobody else’s bloody business what age you became a mother. Tell them to keep there nasty opinions to themselves.

I like "the world would be a boring place if we all did things the same".

Or "My life suits me, yours suits you", "I'm happy with my choices, hope you are with yours".

For me, children were a priority, so I did them first. For others it's a Career. Be confident in your choices.

I've perfected the "oh dear, aren't we a twat" look. Which is usually picked up on. People who throw digs, aren't happy.

Just pity them. They'll have a teen and the Menopause, poor sods. You could throw that in if the person is particularly twatty.

Just don't react. Then they will know their words means nothing to you and will stop.
If you react then if they are twats it is exactly what they want

Smile sweetly and say how glad you are to have all that hard graft of raising a child done and dusted, they don't know what's in store for them. Then once they have their cold, you will have endless opportunities to give it back with bells on