Is there a thread on here for support for wives and girlfriends of people suffering from depression/anxiety?

[Biancadelriosback]

I know this is self centred of me but it's really difficult! DH has some days where he cant handle being around us. He isn't a dick, he is really depressed. When DS is having a tantrum or just being a difficult 2yo, sometimes DH just can't do it. He's burst into tears over nothing. Some days I spend my whole day being a mum, and looking after him. I can't rest. When there is housework to be done, he can so easily lose his shit over nothing and he gets so worked up that I have to send him away and do it myself.
He hates himself for this. I know he has had suicidal thoughts. He's been to the drs for help and he keeps getting fobbed off and given a number to call for CBT, he did and is now waiting on them to schedule his first session...he's been waiting for over 2 months. It eats away at him that he can't enjoy things anymore. He gets so worked up and stressed when we try to do something that he just breaks down.

I'm at breaking point. I'm exhausted. I've got a false smile plastered on my face at all times because if I'm having a bad day, it sets DH off. I am trying to keep things normal for DS but it's crushing. Last night I told DH I was going for a bath, but really I sat on the floor of the bathroom and drank a bottle of wine.

But DH needs support and help. I love him so powerfully and I know he loves me the same. He hates what he is doing to us which sends him on a downward spiral if he knows I'm upset. He never blames me and tries to hold as much in as he can but then it explodes out.

I just want to make happy memories (I know we all hate this phrase on here), when I look back at photos I don't want to be reminded of the struggle we had just to leave the house. DH won't speak to family or friends about it, he doesn't want to look weak, he doesn't want to show how much he is struggling. He says he feels emasculated.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose him, but I'm also worried I'm going to fail and ruin DSs childhood. I feel so helpless

@Everyoneleaves
I’m not with my partner either. Like you I feel disposed off. Before his DG passed away, our relationship was fine, we had just come back off holiday, started buying a new house, started a business. All of a sudden (like you) one day he didn’t love me like that, pushed me away, and left. My EXDP says he’s not depressed and doesn’t need help, however it’s like he just suddenly clicked, and he was grieving. His attitude and behaviour didn’t just change towards me, but to his DC too.
Now (like you again) we get on great as friends, but as soon as I mention anything about “real life” the barriers go up, he won’t reply to messages, answer calls. I’ve tried being firm, I’ve tried being understanding, but I don’t know what I can do. Instead I’m living my life in “limbo” with all are life (business, house purchase, booked holidays) our on hold, and he won’t take time to sort it out / cancel it, and he won’t collect his belongings.

@Sketch2019
Sorry to hear that your in that position, and having a tough time. It’s good to see he understand he needs help, and has seen the GP (my EXDP won’t do that). These things take time, and maybe he should speak to his GP again.
You need to make sure you’re looking after yourself though. I tried weathering the storm for months, until he just left. But this has left me with anxiety, depression, and now I no good to anyone ( I had previous MH issues though which had been in abayance for years). Go out see friends, family, don’t work too late as this is putting extra pressure on you. Talk to people too, don’t try and solve this in your own. Let your DP know your there, but try and look after yourself too x

NC as don't want to link to previous posts. I too feel like I have found my people!!

How long do I have to wait, hoping that things will get better? Two years I've put up with this shit, it's now affecting my physical health too and I don't want our little girl growing up in an unhappy home.

I'm hanging on, hoping it'll improve and go back to how it was. In the meantime he's now signed off work, I'm working PT since returning after maternity leave whilst paying for everything and carrying all the mental load. I am starting to really resent him. I am totally sick, but worry that if I call it a day he will do something to harm himself.

I had one. This is your issue

"DH won't speak to family or friends about it, he doesn't want to look weak"

But he cannot prevent you being honest and you getting support for you.
You need to tell family friends and enlist support. May be they babysit hi. While you go out with dc. Maybe you send him to stay with his family so you and dc have time off from his depression.

You would not hide his broken leg would you ?

I agree with you to a certain extent, @cestlavielife - but what do you do when your DH is 47, there is no family nearby & you can't afford extra help due to financial difficulties?

I think that's why my resentment started. And it's such a killer in relationships.

It's been 3 years here, and I now feel that I have depression burnout. I feel so detached now, as it has impacted all our lives so much & I've just had enough of bloody depression!!

Tell his friends.
Speak to your gp get referral for counselling for you

You mention him not telling g family and friends...you tell them.asktheir help

I’d like to join please. DH has anxiety . Not currently taking medication and trying to manage himself which he does to an extent but involves me taking over a lot of practical things and keeping the family show on the road. It’s hard, OP. A lot of today’s narrative, on social media etc is about supporting the person but it can be hugely draining on the partner. X

How's everyone doing? Have n/c. My DP is still out of work & not pulling his weight at home. I want to run for the hills.

Hello, looooong time lurker here, this thread inspired me too post. So glad/sad to have found it.

I've had so many of these experiences with my DH.

Have any of you ever considered leaving? I feel like I'm on the brink of it, when it crosses the line from depressive behaviour to anger and aggression aimed at/around me. But how bad a person would it make me to leave a person with MH issues?

Sending support to you all.

Hi everyone. Are you all still there? dH has been in a downward spiral due to stress and depression the last few weeks. I’ve seen it before. It usually ends up being my fault or him saying he needs to leave the relationship. With a bit of perspective he realises it’s not me and I forgive him for everything he’s said and done in the meantime. This time round I braced myself for that and got “I’m going to the drs- I need help” I was so proud of him. Dr prescribed meds- he took them for a week and decided he didn’t like the way he made him feel and didn’t care if side effects would go away as he didn’t want to be on meds. He then sat me down after three weeks of black cloud looming on our house, me walking on egg shells and exhausted from picking up everything as he was in survival mode- and told me he didn’t think he wanted to be in the marriage any more and thought we’d make great friends. I’m hurt by that and angry. But to be honest also relieved .i love the “well” person but can’t stand the person he becomes when he’s like this. Don’t know if I can go through another cycle of it all- it’s incredibly draining. I know what will happen next. He will come back- he will expect me to go into full on people pleasing mode as I usually do to persuade him to stay. Not doing it, just can’t any more. Too much hurt under the bride. He either wants to stay and work equally hard on the marriage or he doesn’t. To be honest I’m starting to feel quite apathetic about it. Just splurging this all out there to others who might have been or might be in same boat as I don’t have that many other people to talk to right now

Bloody hell this sounds horrendous. I don't have any advice based on experience but I would 'let' him go to see the realities in all their technicolour. Let him explore what he thinks he wants and see where it goes.
It's not working currently so maybe try something different.

Do you have good support in real life?

Whatt couldpossibly I think you are taking the only logical course of action. You have to look after yourself mentally (and physically) and there is only so much a person can take. It is so so hurtful the way we are treated by our partners with this selfish disease. It's so hard, one the one hand you know it is the D speaking but on the other you can't help feeling personally insulted, shunned and treated with a lack of respect.

I felt my H had trampled on my very soul with all his accusations and rejections when he was in the thick of depression. My H also wouldn't take his meds, same excuse "didn't like how they made him feel" (calm apparently) spent a fortune (we didn't have) on several private therapy sessions a week that. Sometimes you have to put yourself first for once.

Do you think calling "his bluff" will clarify things. At one point I agreed and told my H that I thought he should move out, he pretty swiftly decided he didn't want to as "it was his house", That I could go but could not take the DC (who did he think looked after them?) and finally that he thought "he would end up living like a tramp without me". Gosh! how to make a girl swoon with such protestations of love. Also, as you already know when they are "better" they are never the same, things do not go "back to how they were" or "normal" as my H kept saying he wanted things to be. However, although he didn't take the meds (would insist on that next time) he did start to recover his mind and said the thought of actually losing the family did help sort him out.

Rant away all you like here, we know how tough being the carer is.

All the best, massive bunches of flowers for all

Brilliant thread. Anytime I've started a thread about things like this it's always been turned around to make me feel bad about my feelings.

@SapatSea - I also had one who spent £60 a pop on private therapy, at a time when we barely had money for food & I was having to eBay possessions to buy the DC's Xmas presents. He'd had 2 years of near-weekly therapy at that point.

Whilst on one hand it's sad that he was so ill that he could not put anyone's needs ahead of his own - I think it was also a realisation for me that I could not continue along in a relationship like that. In the end, it took an ultimatum from me.

Can I join? My husband is depressed and I am really struggling. He has been on ADs for 2 months and he doesnt think it is making any difference. He is also on the waiting list for CBT.

What makes it really challenging for me is I have long suffered poor mental health and he has supported me through a complete breakdown. However, my MH is pretty much back to normal since my DS and returning to work. Just when I though we were on our way to a happy life, it is now 'his turn' to be suppported. I feel hidrously selfish but I just keep thinking why now?

I know why, he stayed strong for me and is now struggling. But the timing sucks and I want to be enjoying this time and growing our family.

Instead I am doing all the housework, cooking, life admin alongside working full time and looking after our 22 month old.

I feel so resentful that he isnt better yet. Which I know makes me a terrible person. I obviously dont say any of this to him.

I had to end things with DP as couldn’t cope with his depression as he wouldn’t seek help - I felt I was losing my own mind and my DC were suffering
He moved out 10+ years ago and we stayed in touch although he was very angry to start with
A few months later we got back together but agreed to carry on living apart
These days we are more friends than partners - he is still depressed and that affected his libido
However he is much less selfish and understands that he is impossible to live with - he will still not take meds or try counselling again but that’s his choice
The levels of his depression vary and when things are really bad sometimes I just have to leave him to it and protect myself
I am much happier and have learnt when to try and help and when there’s no point
The first step was realising I can’t make him happy and none of it was my fault
Followed by I and my DC have a right to be happy - if to achieve that I have to be hard it’s tough
We still have ups and downs eg went away together in November - he was awful the whole time - spoilt it for me - I was very tempted to push him off the nearest cliff
He never apologised to me - however told a mutual friend he felt bad about how awful he’d been to me!
We were due to go away again a few months later - I sat him down a few weeks before laid my cards on the table and said if he was going to be at all like that I would go alone - if part way through his MH deteriorated I would either send him home or go home myself
We had a lovely time - but I know it won’t always be like that
Apologies if I’m rambling

Interesting MoreProsecco that it also took an ultimatum from you for things to improve. I was told that nothing like that would work and that due to the illness it would be wrong to put boundaries/red lines in place. 2 years is a long time to cope with that. Do you think it was because things had been going on so long that he'd got in a routine/fug with it and needed shaking out?
Looking back did your H always put himself first? I can see even when he wasn't depressed that he had and to some extent still does. (drinks out, sports, new shirt and shoes whilst I was fretting and wandering around a discount supermarket with £2 to buy two meals for the DC)

Hello. I will come back and chat later.

Candlefloozy It is good to have somewhere to vent. I agree most forum threads usually have someone who has had D themselves come on and tell us how it is a lot worse to be the one suffering. That's true and I think we all recognise how bl**dy awful it must be to have your mind fragment but it can be excruiating having to hold all your own feelings in.

FlirtyforFirth of course you are not a bad person. You were in a bad place and now you are feeling better you rightly wanted a bit of normality and light in your life not to have the roles reversed.

JaceLace so your DH's D never really left? It does affect the DC, I can really see that in retrospect and you did exactly the right thing as we are all at great risk of losing our own minds dealing with this.

I think that although my H is a lot better than where he was (at the worst point he started to "think along illogical pathways" and believed that our DC were not his and that I was a serial cheater, despite me never leaving the house without DC in tow) that he has never recovered. Like your H his libido was affected and he refuses to seek help. I think we are also about 10 years in as I can now see he was depressed/having MH issues long before it reached its peak. I feel we are more of a team but much less to each other as partners. He is family.

I've been very ill for the past year or so with a balance disorder I've had for a long time but has gone a bit ballistic and I cannot"save us" like I usually do. We are in grave financial straits and pulling together to decorate and get the house sold so we can drastically downsize. I'm finding it really hard coping with his angst when I'm ruining my health with DIY and feel I'll never work or be well againa dn secretly (whisper it) often feel it's his fault. I'd just love to have some respite from constant stress and worry.

I've cocked up my own life and the DC's.

I worry how I will feel if/when my own health returns and it is just us two,as the DC are now starting to leave home.

bump. Trying to keep the thread alive.

I'm checking I. To say 'Hi' on this thread.

DH first major breakdown was end of 2013. He's had a couple of major depressive episodes since. Latest one started last September and we're just about through it.

It's been some of the most trying times in my adult life. I am a strong character and people are always full of 'you are marvellous' type responses in regards to all we've been through. The truth is that this last time, he very nearly broke me. I thought I'd lost myself completely to his paranoia, self doubt, lack of care and enthusiasm for life, anxiety and self-hatred. I was the support and the target- I held the family unit together but I thought I was going to fail this last time.

I walked out on him after one particularly terrible rant (one of the signs he is unwell is he begins to get completely caught up in his own thinking and can spend hours and hours ranting about a topic ; drawing me in, exhausting my position, attacking, then full of remorse) which was the first time ever in 20 years. I terrified my children by doing so and felt at an all time low. Had nowhere to turn and the magnitude of the situation felt utterly overwhelming. I can't even begin to explain the complexities of the situation to our family and friends as they can't take it in. They think he has 'dark moods' and bad times.

On the outside, we are a solid, working unit. That is mainly because I input 99% of my time energy and effort to make that happen.

His illness has taken me to places in my mind I thought were impossible and I have questioned everything.

And then. He gets better. He reflects, he apologises, gets treatment and his perspective changes completely to reflect the person I know and love. He is suspected to be on the ASD spectrum and we have had significant support from mental health services. It's a journey we continue to be on.

I'm just about relaxing from the last bout and live day to day. Who knows if it will happen again or how soon. But each time, he definitely learns something new about himself and gets more aware of what he is doing. I have communicated in every way possible that we need new ways of dealing with things if it starts up again as I need some protection from it and he has promised he will go and stay elsewhere - I have it in writing so even if his perspective becomes completely skewed, I can show him.

I wish I'd have found this thread before now.
Sympathies & support to you all. It's very tough.

BrightOink you do sound incredibly strong. Oh the rants! You describe it well. You are right, others on the outside don't understand the complexity of it all or the depth of its effect on you. I often feel very alone and that all the heartrending pain is mine alone, no support, no sharing, no understanding. I also have questioned everything, I'm sure I'll ever get past some of the things he has said to me. I find it difficult to look at photos of our past as I wonder "was it all a lie?", very painful.I also sometimes wonder if I am really loved? or just needed now as a crutch.

It's good that your Dh is gaining some insights into his behaviour. Stay strong

@SapatSea

Thank you for responding. I appreciate the acknowledgment so much.

Sending kindness and strength your way too. It can be a dark and lonely place as the partner.

Hi everyone, thank you for bumping this thread as I’ve found it and read some of your posts.
My DH has anxiety and many of your stories runs true with me. I can identify many behaviours that my DH displays. After years of putting up with his anxiety our relationship is at a point where we are more friends than lovers, mainly because I’ve had to carry the load for the family together for so long. But I’m not giving up on him yet however he is refusing to acknowledge the extent of his anxiety and therefore will not seek help.
Does anyone have any advice as to how I can make him realise how his MH affects the rest of us? If he did this then we can work on the recovery of his MH and our relationship.

Thanks for bumping the thread.

I'm not sure if the answer to that one, @GassyAss - you can't force him to engage - but you can outline what that will mean for you eg "if you won't consider seeing the Dr, I will make an appt for you" or "I cannot continue this relationship if you won't seek help".

People generally lack insight when they are not well, and it's a very selfish illness where people struggle to see beyond themselves.

If my DP had told me he had depression beforehand, I would not have moved in with him.