Is there a thread on here for support for wives and girlfriends of people suffering from depression/anxiety?

[Biancadelriosback]

I know this is self centred of me but it's really difficult! DH has some days where he cant handle being around us. He isn't a dick, he is really depressed. When DS is having a tantrum or just being a difficult 2yo, sometimes DH just can't do it. He's burst into tears over nothing. Some days I spend my whole day being a mum, and looking after him. I can't rest. When there is housework to be done, he can so easily lose his shit over nothing and he gets so worked up that I have to send him away and do it myself.
He hates himself for this. I know he has had suicidal thoughts. He's been to the drs for help and he keeps getting fobbed off and given a number to call for CBT, he did and is now waiting on them to schedule his first session...he's been waiting for over 2 months. It eats away at him that he can't enjoy things anymore. He gets so worked up and stressed when we try to do something that he just breaks down.

I'm at breaking point. I'm exhausted. I've got a false smile plastered on my face at all times because if I'm having a bad day, it sets DH off. I am trying to keep things normal for DS but it's crushing. Last night I told DH I was going for a bath, but really I sat on the floor of the bathroom and drank a bottle of wine.

But DH needs support and help. I love him so powerfully and I know he loves me the same. He hates what he is doing to us which sends him on a downward spiral if he knows I'm upset. He never blames me and tries to hold as much in as he can but then it explodes out.

I just want to make happy memories (I know we all hate this phrase on here), when I look back at photos I don't want to be reminded of the struggle we had just to leave the house. DH won't speak to family or friends about it, he doesn't want to look weak, he doesn't want to show how much he is struggling. He says he feels emasculated.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose him, but I'm also worried I'm going to fail and ruin DSs childhood. I feel so helpless

@ChoriChori - if private is still an option and your DH is still open to it, I'd really recommend trying something else than CBT. I know it's talked about as the One Cure To Cure Them All in the NHS these days, but it really doesn't do much for everybody, and it's just one therapy form among many. I've found for myself that I don't get on with that type of therapy, or psychodynamic (which I was lucky enough to get on the NHS when I was really unwell in the past), but I see an "integrative", person centred therapist these days, and it's been surprisingly great, and we use different techniques for different issues, leave what doesn't work and embrace what does etc.

My DH saw his psychiatrist this week, and is changing his ADs now, gradually, from fluoxetine to venlafaxine. Fingers crossed for a smooth transition and a more helpful result!

Yeah let's ask @MNHQ to shift it to relationships? As I say, I've posted in MH before but it doesn't have the traffic and posts gets lost there.

I have friends who I can talk to about my loss but it feels weird being so vulnerable with them. I want my DH.

@Chorichori My dh had the same thing with washing his hands. He had to foot a certain way (still has to) and I had to looks it to make sure he did it well... he was afraid that he would infect other people otherwise... and one day I refused to do it. Told him he washes his hands at his job too and nobody is checking if he does it right... he had to live with me not checking it then... and he did... and he got better then... we’ll he still washes his hands a certain way.
But he has got PTSD and I am not sure if it applies to you.

I have tried to refuse but it has never worked. He just stood in the bathroom for 6 hours and became more and more distressed before I had to give in. There have also been occasions when he’s had no food or water for nearly 48 hours because I’ve refused to participate. We used to fight and both get upset about this.

Things started to improve when I stopped getting upset and just do what he needs me to. I also have to be mindful of the atmosphere in the house for DC. I’ve learnt that progress comes when he is ready and in the right frame of mind. This comes from maintaining a calm environment.

Since then, things have gradually got better and we are following our own improvement plan. It’s just a shame that we’ve received no real support from mental health services and feel alone

How sad... really, really sad. Is there a selfhelp group for bis condition?

Dh did CBT and had to force himself do do some things he is afraid of and it helped hi realize that the consequences he is afraid of just do not happen... for him that helped but then he has PTSD and may be it is different.

How is everyone doing? I could do with a moan just because I am so tired of being responsible for everyone! Thought DH could iron a fecking t shirt for DD while I tidied house before visitors. He said he could, but then forgot because he felt he needed to sort out a pile of old DVDs. So DD gets late and stressed and DH oblivious and just ARGH. And I know it's an illness but it's bloody annoying one.

This place sounds like it's for me!

It's so hard trying to stay positive for the kids when trying to hold everything and everyone together. Someone up thread mention being dragged down too and that's totally how I'm feeling at the moment.

When DH is having a bad day, it feels like everyone is.

It's nice to be able to have a space to talk about things and just vent as needed.

So glad I have found this thread. My husband suffers anxiety and depression and it is tough. I feel like I am selfish for feeling that way but I totally understand how you all feel with all the extra responsibility you end up with.

I am afraid that my husband is also a "thief of joy". Any plans big or small are met with such negativity that I am now finding it hard to enjoy life myself :-(

My husband's problems stem from hating his job which is all consuming and a pretty dysfunctional childhood. He started anti- anxiety meds but stopped taking them after a few weeks as didn't like the idea of them! He has had cbt and counselling but didn't find that helpful either.

I find it so upsetting to see him live life this way. I also grieve for the man I thought I was marrying :-(

Can I join too. My DH has a long history of depression but was going through an ok patch until just after Christmas when he was made redundant bloody Brexit.

Now I can see him circling the black hole again and am bracing myself for it, the rants, the mood swings, the sitting up till god knows what time because I'm afraid of what he'll do to himself. My work will suffer because I'm tired or taking time off or I'm upset.

Add to this money worries and the fact that DS is old enough to notice now and I'm just dreading the future.

So many phrases ring true with me - joy sponge, smoothing the path, disloyal etc.

My company have a big thing on talking about mental health at the moment but I just don't feel I can because it is some sort of betrayal.

Hi ladies.
I'm please (and not!) that others have found this thread useful.
DH smashed a glass today by accident. It went everywhere. DH had to go out for a walk after which did no one any good as we had plans in the afternoon which we missed to due DS having a nap. I feel trapped ATM.

I feel like my reactions are heightened now too. Our boiler is acting up and I go from 0 to almost vomiting immediately. I know that this is anxiety but it's mixed with something being broken, me not being able to fix it and DHs response which will be one of anxiety too. I feel myself being anxious but I can't stop it.

I'm so angry too with the fact that I am always always expected to be the calm and rational one. I'm always expected to be able to cope. And when I can't cope, he tells me off for being irrational and it makes me feel worse. I'm never able to have an off day.

And I know I need to get a grip of my own anxiety because this isn't helping. I've done some calming techniques that have helped (5/4/3/2/1 things see/hear/feel/touch/taste or what have You).

It sucks.

Oh Huntly I hear you. I woke this morning and had that stomach dropping moment when I remembered what life is like. I felt a bit detached from myself and kind of observed that I have 'caught anxiety'.

Bianca I'm sorry about the glass. Hope today has been a better one. Xxx

It's that feeling of panick when something's goes wrong. Not because something has gone wrong, but I don't know how it will affect DH. Sometimes a bulb going can be solved very easily, other times he can end up lying down in a dark room sobbing.

Bianca, that's a familiar one to me too. I'll hear something happen in another room and words to the effect of "oh ffs" and I'll just think "What now, what's this going to cost, how much time will it take me to sort this out (along with everything else l)". Then we'll have either the rant or the silence or my suggested solution will be dismissed. My brain feels it's constantly thinking around problems trying to smooth the path to solutions to avoid a meltdown.

I'm dreading the next couple of months when the redundancy money runs out and the letters from the bank start arriving again.

I lost my loved one.they ended it.reading this thread has been so comforting to be less alone.
We did find mindfulness really helps if you really allow yourself to step into it .it can really change your thinking .
a person with anxiety is constantly catastrophizing and what mindfulness does is allow you to just sit see the traffic jam but not stand in the middle of it and try to stop it .just watch From a Distance let it come let it go ,ebb and flow.
there's a few books which I found really helpful in the darkest days .
so you can almost be sitting on the mountain and watching from a point of awareness so you know that's what's happening and what the hell person is thinking but you're watching it you're not in the middle of it allowing it to Suffocate you and you can say that's what the brain / illness is thinking but it's not actually me it's an illness if that makes sense, purple it's not clouding bear head when they can just watch it with a Distance season it's happening put it on the clouds and watch those sorts go by it sounds a bit daft sometimes but we find it really helped .
and stop that spiral of: you stub your toe- oh god it's shit -what am I doing- I'm shit- I never do anything right- I always get everything wrong -I'm a bad person- I've done wrong again- everything's going to go wrong from now- and the end explosion !
All from one stubbed toe you got to an explosion. whereas mindfulness really helps you just see it happening allow it and then nature yourself so you can let it go and be kind to yourself

purple it's not clouding bear head when they can just watch it with a Distance season it's happening put it on the clouds and watch those sorts go by it sounds a bit daft sometimes but we find it really helped . Bloody autocorrect that's meant to say but it's not clouding your headspace when you can just watch it from a distance it's happening yes but you can put those thoughts on to the clouds and watch as they just go by because you will always have thoughts especially with anxiety and depression when they spiral but it's learning how to say "ok can I sit with this can I bear it and then let it go when you face it it takes half its energy away"

So much of what's said in the comments above rings true in our house too. I've taken this week as annual leave to get a couple of big jobs done in the house, but dh has been on a downward spiral this last week and now I feel like I'm treading water just to keep on top of the basics instead of having extra time to do an extra job. As someone said above, I'm responsible for everyone else and it's exhausting - and if the house is a mess, dh can't deal with it. He's been in bed before 9 the last few nights, says he has no energy, he thinks he's coming down with something, but I think it's his mental health that's coming down, not a virus. I tried to talk to him one evening while he was getting undressed and he snapped completely irrationally - he was couldn't deal with speaking once he'd declared he was going to bed. He's obsessing over things (he wants a new toaster - he needs a new toaster - have I ordered the new toaster yet? Is it here yet? The old toaster can't go on Freecycle it needs to go in the bin NOW because giving it away is too much to deal with. He keeps walking over and mentioning one or two specific small objects he thinks should go to the charity shop - but he's picking out things that the children play with daily, he just doesn't see it). He feels like brexit is a personal attack on him and he can't understand that many other people feel let down and worried without feeling like they need to go to bed to drown out the feelings that provokes. We had a great few days earlier in the month, it felt like he was back in the room, then something tipped him over the edge again and we're walking on egg shells. Again. But because he doesn't think he's reacting unusually to situations around him, he doesn't associate it with depression or anxiety, he thinks it's natural to feel so aggressive about the world we live in. I just don't know what to say to him anymore or how to help him. He's made a conscious choice to stay in the job that's causing him so much stress too which I resent. And in the meantime dd has no clean uniform because I'm wading through housework to keep up, I'm exhausted trying to keep the rest of us afloat.

I would like to join too. Ex DP has OCD and I think also anxiety. We live together (only broke up last month), but I am still the one responsible for everything.

Really bad day yesterday, I think the anger hit him about the redundancy. He ranted and shouted most of the day and when he wasn't shouting I was walking on eggshells. If I said anything I was "having a go".

In one of his quieter moments I said that I recognized he is getting depressed and I'm here and it was almost like I gave him carte Blanche to carry on.

I've left him in bed this morning, think I'll let him sleep today

I can completely understand the Brexit thing. My DH is the same. He feels victimised, which in turn makes me panic.

painting I'm really sorry you've had a shit day! That does sound hard. The worst bit is when you can't feel your own emotionals incase it triggers them!

Dh, who is unhappy with his weight, currently tries “turn his life around“... has been trying that for a few days, has been eating very healthy. Whenever he tried that in the past it worked for a while but then he gave up for one reason or the other. I hope it works this time.

Joining if that’s ok as my bf of 9 years has depression, involving a significant time off work in 2017-2018. He identifies it as having started in 2016 for work-related issues but the truth is that his coping has been an issue for almost as long as I’ve known him. It affects every part of our lives and i feel under pressure to help him with everything, from his work to getting him out of the house in the morning. We don’t have kids and this is a massive thing for me as I want to start a family but am increasingly coming to a place of understanding that i’m going to need to go it alone. It’s so hard and isolating. I am a counsellor and social worker (two jobs) and have really struggled with acknowledging that it has been hard for me, and the sense of shame and guilt about how frustrating and distressing it has been to live with compared to how I ‘should’ have felt about and worked with a client.
No advice for others right now, just solidarity x

My DHs started when I had DS. It was an awful few weeks due to him being very prem, but also happened at DHs busiest time at work which meant he was losing lots of money and he was just bunging it all on a CC. I had no idea how much dept he was getting us into until after. Before all of that, he was perfect

Yes we've had that Bianca, I think if I'm honest spending money was a bit of an attempt to feel better even if it's just for 5 minutes. Have to admit I'm a bit guilty of that too - it's almost an attempt to feel normal like I see people around us being.

Brexit is a big thing for DH too, he's absolutely raging about it, he would spend hours on Facebook arguing with Brexiteers and it just made him angrier and angrier. I've managed to persuade him to bin Facebook fir a bit and it has made him calmer. Yes to it being like a personal attack though.

Wouldn't it be great to put all our DHs and DPs in a room together and let them shout it out and work it all out together. It would be an afternoons peace for us