Is there a thread on here for support for wives and girlfriends of people suffering from depression/anxiety?

[Biancadelriosback]

I know this is self centred of me but it's really difficult! DH has some days where he cant handle being around us. He isn't a dick, he is really depressed. When DS is having a tantrum or just being a difficult 2yo, sometimes DH just can't do it. He's burst into tears over nothing. Some days I spend my whole day being a mum, and looking after him. I can't rest. When there is housework to be done, he can so easily lose his shit over nothing and he gets so worked up that I have to send him away and do it myself.
He hates himself for this. I know he has had suicidal thoughts. He's been to the drs for help and he keeps getting fobbed off and given a number to call for CBT, he did and is now waiting on them to schedule his first session...he's been waiting for over 2 months. It eats away at him that he can't enjoy things anymore. He gets so worked up and stressed when we try to do something that he just breaks down.

I'm at breaking point. I'm exhausted. I've got a false smile plastered on my face at all times because if I'm having a bad day, it sets DH off. I am trying to keep things normal for DS but it's crushing. Last night I told DH I was going for a bath, but really I sat on the floor of the bathroom and drank a bottle of wine.

But DH needs support and help. I love him so powerfully and I know he loves me the same. He hates what he is doing to us which sends him on a downward spiral if he knows I'm upset. He never blames me and tries to hold as much in as he can but then it explodes out.

I just want to make happy memories (I know we all hate this phrase on here), when I look back at photos I don't want to be reminded of the struggle we had just to leave the house. DH won't speak to family or friends about it, he doesn't want to look weak, he doesn't want to show how much he is struggling. He says he feels emasculated.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose him, but I'm also worried I'm going to fail and ruin DSs childhood. I feel so helpless

[Whatcouldpossiblygowrong]

Hello! God it feels amazing to have found/ been shown this thread. Reading your posts and nodding along seeing a lot of my own experiences there. Good to have been able to find somewhere to share my feelings without fear or guilt- and maybe being able to show others they aren’t alone.
Been in this situation for 5 years now since DH’s first MH breakdown but things seem to be rearing up again no after a short time of stability. Feeling panicky about being plunged back in after a time in relative normality

[TheEndofIt]

Can I join too?

DP has had depression most of his adult life, something he neglected to mention before I moved in with him - away from my family, friends & support network.

He has now lost his job, following a lengthy period of sick leave & working reduced hours. Although there has been a reasonable redundancy payment, we cannot live on just my salary in the long term.

At the moment, I just feel angry - and betrayed that he did not tell me. I would not have chosen this life, especially to move away - if I had known.

He has not pulled his weight in terms of family life. I'm fed up doing it all.

Unfortunately, we have 2 young children & I swing between wanting to leave so that they are not witnessing a loveless marriage - and the thought if he had 50% custody fills me with dread.

I just feel between a rock & a hard place.

Just reading through the responses here, everyone seems to supportive of their DH; I just feel a bit of a cow for being so angry.

[Wendalicious]

“Any time I need support we end up talking about him which he claims is him showing empathy but really, it's a selfish trait of his anxiety. It means I never get support.”

Thank you to the poster who wrote this and everyone who is illustrating their situations, it’s made me feel less alone as most of these posts describes my husband too x

[ohreallyisthatso]

I understand your anger @TheEndofit. Its tough to feel supportive when you feel so hurt by what is essentially a lie by omission.

Hey everyone, I'd like to join too please. DH has a diagnosis of BP and its been a particularly difficult past couple of weeks over here due to in laws creating a complete poop storm and leaving me right in the middle of it but hey, everything for a reason eh?

[Hotterthanahotthing]

I stuck by y exhaust for 12 years after his depression took over our lives.He refused.edication and started drinking more.He became quite controlling too.
Each day I didn't know what I was going to wake up too and as said by others depression can be Avery selfish illness.
I did leave because his behavior to wards me deteriorated so much and was affecting my DD.
I stayed so long because of guilt that he would succeed in killing himself and for my daughter..When his thought moved on to killing us it was time to run.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but at least I did get out and we are rebuilding our lives.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I feel so sorry for all of you. I have a family member who has been severely depressed for many years and point blank refuses to try medication for it. I don't know how his partner can stand it. I have had to step back from our relationship because I am so angry with him. I can't imagine what it feels like to be trapped in a relationship like this when you have children together. I am also sick of the constant urging to listen to and support people with depression ... like, for how many years are you expected to do that? Generally speaking I think women are more likely to make an effort to get better rather than insisting nothing can be done/they are going to battle through it alone. Flowers for all on this thread .

[Justanothernamechange2]

My DP has suffered with depression for some years but also recently diagnosed bi-polar.
It is really tough...really tough

[WineIsMyCarb]

Thank you for posting this OP. In the same boat and it's so difficult to cope with. I can't have a bad day because it either overlaps with his (who will care for DC? Hold things together?) or have my own, separate, bad day... because then everyday would be a bad day for someone. I'm DH case we suspect it's a of a "but we took you to stately homes" situation (see other thread) so it's taking a lot of therapy to get some insight and therefore improvement. Hard not to be pissed off with him though when he gets up in the wrong side of bed and I know it's going to be unending today. Or maybe just the morning, and I will be left with the aftermath as he's all cheery again. (Better in a way, but still sucking the life out of me) to all of us for staying with them, in all honesty. It would often be easier to leave

[Home77]

I'll join you as well, my DH is not diagnosed but very anxious and a workaholic, he also has anger issues and I think an eating disorder. Oh and drinking as well. It's not easy. Recently he seems very hyper and then down, it is like a rollercoaster. but he'd never dream of speaking to anyone about it.

[TheEndofIt]

Can I ask: is anyone seriously thinking of splitting up?

From the thread so far, it seems many are unhappy, but few are perhaps thinking seriously about separating?

And has anyone else got co-dependant traits?

I had a bit of counselling on my own last year, to try & get some clarity. Through this, I was able to see this, and it was a real eye-opener.

[GetUpAgain]

I honestly don't know if we will split up. I cant bear the thought of life always being like this. But DH is too ill right now to cope alone, and definitely not having kids half the time. And when he is well I do like being married to him. In my case he is at long last getting treatment so I will see how that goes. I know this sounds horrible but he has had cancer and that was easier to deal with. At least we could talk to people about it.

[Home77]

In terms of the codependency, I am trying hard to not enable the behaviour and realise that MH is not an excuse for how to treat people. Basic rudeness and anger is not acceptable and I say that and also not accept blame, try not to let it affect me.

It's not easy though is it. To get a balance between doing that stuff and not winding them up further. I got this book called Non violent communication which seemed to help a bit.

[Home77]

Do others find it tricky when they won't talk about things? I find it hard to get him to open up about how he is feeling, (maybe feels can't talk about stuff like that) but did have a bit of a chat about anger and that helped a but. He started doing a counting thing when angry and walking away.

[Biancadelriosback]

I'm thinking about leaving. I don't think I can because I don't trust him not to hurt himself or fall even deeper. But I'm so miserable. I walked into work this morning in tears after another bad morning. Clients saw me. It's having an impact on everything. Even our 2 year old won't play with DH now, he only wants me. I can't breath. I'm panicking.

[colouringinpro]

to everyone in this position.

Please please please seek support for yourself and if you can afford it pay for it.

My mental health has been destroyed by OH (now ex) severe mental illness.

[colouringinpro]

Just another. Sympathies. Bipolar diagnosis for OH. Took 10 years

[Travisandthemonkey]

The one thing everyone must remember on this thread is that your own mental health is just as important.
I found it very good to see my own therapist. It helped immensely because you tend to never talk to your partner about how you feel, in case it makes them worse.

Depression and anxiety are fundamentally selfish things to suffer from and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. But they isolate the person suffering from them and It becomes a vicious cycle.

You can only help someone if you’re getting help yourself

[TheEndofIt]

@Biancadelriosback

I hope your day has got better? Are you ok?

I'm not having the best week either; DP is now a man of leisure & not really pulling his weight at home. He has 40 hours a week to do what he wants plus domestic stuff but is going to the gym, meeting friends etc. He has done a bit tidying up his own shitpile & some laundry, with a little cooking.

I feel like his mother; I don't want to have to manage him & tell him what to do. I'm working 4 long days & just want him to get on with it. I don't want to enable him by doing it all myself.

He knows I am not up for working f/t while he does sod all.

Another conversation looms.....

By the way, had anyone read "Depression Fallout"? I see it recommended a lot on here, but I'm not sure if I can face reading about it plus living with it too.

[WineIsMyCarb]

Try this TheEnd www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00C346EBK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I als had DH read it to show him
How much of his behaviour and therefore our life was dictated by anxiety.

[Duvetday2day]

Can I join too? Sorry to see so many people in the boat, and I think this is a great thread.

My —ex— DP “I think” has MH issues at the minute, I think he’s grieving and depressed. His DG passed away in October, since then he has been a different person. Disappears, no interest in anything, no love, no emotion, no enthusiasm, comes back late, doesn’t come back at all, doesn’t talk, doesn’t do much to be frank. I try and talk to him, he just burst into tears. He has said things like I don’t know how I can love, I feel alone etc. We don’t have DC but he 3DC from previous relationship, who we have 50:50. Even they say daddy just plays on his phone, daddy isn’t here, why does daddy just get cross? He won’t get help, says he needs space, to be on his own, and for that he is throwing us away, and our family unit. He says he’s not depressed.

I too am suffering from MH, a lot of my past seems to have resurfaced, from previous incidents before I met DP. I’ve been prescribed AD, I’m suffering from anxiety, stress, I’m off work, I’m just not coping.

Anyone got any wise words of wisdom?

[OhDearGodLookAtThisMess]

May I join too?

DH's health has dominated our lives for years now. He's completely self-absorbed by it and I think utterly depends on me for boosting his mood and taking on much of the life-work (although to be fair, he still does as much as he can).
And I've just discovered something this week: I've been ill myself. Usually I keep quiet about feeling under the weather as it will be met with, "huh, YOU feel ill? How do you think it is for ME?" As if I didn't know!
But this one has involved me being flat out with a bad back and just can't resume normal service. And he's stepped forward, not mentioned his own ailments once and is doing everything and taking care of me.
The cynic in me might wonder if it's so I recover quicker! Or it could be that his anti-depressants are finally kicking in and he's perking up.
But maybe I should step back from being the fixer a bit more often.

[EveryoneLeaves]

I am hoping I can join in here, though he is now my ex not my SO. (We were together for almost 18 years.) His first reaction to getting depression was to leave me. I did want to be there for him, I did want to support him but he pushed me away and told me he no longer loves me, and that he does not miss me at all. I have never felt as disposable to somebody, to me it feels like I was only good enough to be with when things were going ok and as soon as we hit a rough patch he just threw me away if that makes sense.

Before he was diagnosed everything was normal, just like it had always been, and I had zero reason to think otherwise, it seemed like everything changed in the space of one day, the night before he left me we had sex and fell asleep cuddled into each other, the next day it was like "I have depression now, get out of my life"

Reading through these responses have hurt me because I noticed that all of you are still together, yet my ex couldn't wait to get me out of his life and I have thought many times that he may have been using the depression as an excuse (we had no other reason to split up, nothing bad happened, no cheating, no violence, no arguing, it was literally I have depression, I no longer love you please leave) like he saw it as a way out of the relationship in a way. I am really struggling with understanding if it is the depression talking or him (He has said it is not just me he lost feelings for but everything in his life)

He is currently on his third session of councelling and has tried four different anti depressants which did not help at all.

I suppose we are now classed as friends, and I have noticed a few patterns, we can talk with no problems about anything at all other than us, as soon as anything to do with us is mentioned he backs off and I will not hear from him for a week or so, he can't even acknowledge that we used to be together, that he used to love me, nothing.

I feel for all of you going through this horrible illness.

[Sketch2019]

Watched this thread from the start but this is my first post. Could do with some support tonight from others in a similar set-up.

I suspect my DH has depression and work-stress. A long standing pattern of behaviour has spiralled quite significantly over the past few months and has worsened rapidly over the past few weeks. DH has gone from being a generally good guy who is a pleasure to be around albeit with a tendency to be a little moody to someone I'm afraid to come home to. He appreciates he is much worst than he was and is in the process of seeking professional help but it's taking us much longer than either of us feared.

Nothing I say or do is right, everything is turned around and made out to be some kind of attack on him. He treats me like his enemy when I only ever try to help him. How I feel, what my day has been like, whether I have an interesting story to tell etc no longer matters to him. I might as well be invisible. Talking to me is a chore. I'm walking on eggshells trying not to say anything that will set him off or start another argument.

When he's sad and feeling low I have endless patience with him. I just want to hold him and love him and do everything within my power to help him feel better. Unfortunately though more often than not he isn't sad, he's just plain cruel. He can be short and bad tempered with me, patronising, speaks to me like I'm some "silly woman". If I dare get upset about how things are he makes out like I'm over emotional (I'm really not) and rolls his eyes. I feel so alone.

I am the only one out of the two of us to ever suggest we do something fun or make an effort to do something enjoyable. If he had his way he would be holed up in his office playing computer games. My needs no longer matter.

This isn't a complete change of character for him. He does have a tendency to be selfish and has little time for people he thinks aren't worth the effort. The difference is that until recently I was one of the few people he deemed worth the effort. Until recently he had an abundance of good qualities to balance out his occasionally surliness. He can be generous, kind, funny, silly, loving... but right now those traits are gone.

I've taken to working late now and I hate the thought of going home. What mood will he be in? Will we argue again? Am I strong enough tonight not to let it bother me?

I came to the conclusion tonight that I need to shut myself off emotionally while we weather this storm. I will be kind and patient and loving but a wall went up inside me tonight and something changed. I realised I need to protect myself until he gets the help he needs and gets better. I just spent the weekend being spoken to like crap after going out of my way to do him a massive favour.

I feel this is the right way forward but I'm still sad. I can't bear the thought of this being our life now.

[TheEndofIt]

@Sketch2019 -sorry you are having a tough time. I can relate to so many of these things: being on eggshells, on the receiving end of mood swings, living with someone who is irritable & disengaged.

From what you've said, I think it is the correct thing to put boundaries around what you can do - as the saying goes: you can't pour from an empty glass.

What is he doing to help himself? If he won't, you're not responsible & can't fix it. He needs to get to a Dr.
Perhaps you could print off an online depression scoring questionnaire & ask him to complete it ahead of a GP appt? If he won't do that, I would seriously consider your future with him.

I didn't know my partner had recurrent depression before I moved in (he didn't tell me). I wouldn't have moved in with him if I'd known & the repercussions have been huge. We now have 2 DC with a grumpy, disengaged dad. I'm fed up working whilst he does little round the house. He's lost his job & we have financial worries.

It's one thing to have an episode of depression, help yourself & get it treated. It's another to do f*ck all & take your moods out on your loved one(s) whilst not getting treated or help yourself.

[Sketch2019]

Thank you TheEndofIt. He has had the GP appointment but they have referred him rather than diagnose him. He is waiting to be assessed and I feel he could be doing more and pushing harder than he is but I think in his mind this only affects him so he doesn't understand why we can't carry on like this.

I've actually come home to find him in an OK mood. I've been pleasant all evening but I think he can tell I'm not rising to the little comments and digs he's making (this is his other favourite thing to do, to make goady comments and then when I react claim it was all a joke and make out like I'm the one being unreasonable). He keeps asking me what's wrong and I smile and say nothing at all I'm fine. Then I get "you're being weird. Why are you being like this?"

I'm so sorry to hear about your partner. When it starts to affect his ability to work and your household income that's just another added stress I'm sure you could do without. To feel like you do everything and take care of everyone but who cares about you? Who asks you how your day has been and means it?

I feel similarly in that, as much as it pains me to say it, if I'd known he could be like this I'm not sure if I might have made some very different choices.

I love him but I feel completely unimportant and disrespected at the moment. He used to be besotted with me and would never have dreamed of speaking to me the way that he does. I don't know what happened. I feel like he just constantly grinds me down until I don't see what the point is. I fantasise about taking the dog and leaving in the middle of the night. I fantasise about a small, quiet house just me with no one else to worry about upsetting.