Is there a thread on here for support for wives and girlfriends of people suffering from depression/anxiety?

[Biancadelriosback]

I know this is self centred of me but it's really difficult! DH has some days where he cant handle being around us. He isn't a dick, he is really depressed. When DS is having a tantrum or just being a difficult 2yo, sometimes DH just can't do it. He's burst into tears over nothing. Some days I spend my whole day being a mum, and looking after him. I can't rest. When there is housework to be done, he can so easily lose his shit over nothing and he gets so worked up that I have to send him away and do it myself.
He hates himself for this. I know he has had suicidal thoughts. He's been to the drs for help and he keeps getting fobbed off and given a number to call for CBT, he did and is now waiting on them to schedule his first session...he's been waiting for over 2 months. It eats away at him that he can't enjoy things anymore. He gets so worked up and stressed when we try to do something that he just breaks down.

I'm at breaking point. I'm exhausted. I've got a false smile plastered on my face at all times because if I'm having a bad day, it sets DH off. I am trying to keep things normal for DS but it's crushing. Last night I told DH I was going for a bath, but really I sat on the floor of the bathroom and drank a bottle of wine.

But DH needs support and help. I love him so powerfully and I know he loves me the same. He hates what he is doing to us which sends him on a downward spiral if he knows I'm upset. He never blames me and tries to hold as much in as he can but then it explodes out.

I just want to make happy memories (I know we all hate this phrase on here), when I look back at photos I don't want to be reminded of the struggle we had just to leave the house. DH won't speak to family or friends about it, he doesn't want to look weak, he doesn't want to show how much he is struggling. He says he feels emasculated.

I'm so scared I'm going to lose him, but I'm also worried I'm going to fail and ruin DSs childhood. I feel so helpless

comforting, not confiding.

I should say that DH does 95% of the housework, shopping, washing etc. He pushes through the depression as best he can. It's just we're both so lonely, even though there are three of us in the house every day.

And I've broken down to DH about it several times over the years. There have been small changes but the crux is still the same. We broke up over it all a few years ago and I'm sad it's still essentially the same now.

I do wonder what we did to deserve these struggles in our lives.

Would like to join as well, though for me, it's not a partner but my mother, who can be so lovely but suffers so badly from anxiety and depression that I really relate to all those who talk about walking on eggshells. I am an only child and my parents split up when I was 10, so have been dealing with her for 40 or more years and sometimes feel so worn out by her. She is in a care home because I live overseas, and the care home has been very good for her since they handle her with much less emotional angst than I can always manage. Yesterday I called her and she wanted me to buy her her own supply of paracetamol (obviously a complete no-no since all drugs have to be given by the nurses) so that she could take an overdose because she couldn't remember when her dentist's appointment was. I did manage to talk her down and cheer her up, but I am so sick of it. And I feel sorry for her as well, of course.

My DH suffers too, sometimes I think it's worse being the partner, they know how they're feeling etc. We just have to watch for signs and tiptoe around trying to make life peaceful and calm for everyone.

I would recommend you go to the doctor with him and talk together about what has been happening, when DH goes alone, he doesn't say half of it. Medication has pretty much saved DH, along with counselling and cbt. None of it is a quick fix but will help get more normality in your life.

I have realised that I need to be in charge of my own life/mood or I will get sucked in to it all. I'm not the same person I used to be, I live in fear of another breakdown but I try and get on with my own life, see people and do things I enjoy, whether he comes or not is up to him. I can't fix him, but I can look after myself and ensure I still find things that make me happy. An earlier poster said joy sponge, that's very apt, he can find a negative in every situation, I challenge him sometimes to say nothing negative for one day, I just make sure it doesn't rub off on me.

When things were really bad, the hospital referred me to a charity call Rethink, a counsellor came to see me every week. It was really good. MIND also offered carers support.

I've been rambling sorry, just don't let it take over your life too

My DH has suffered with depression since before we met (been together 12 years) but over the last 3 years he has got deeper into the dark hole. He is no longer working because of his mental health, is on high level anti depressants and is awaiting further assessments as GP thinks possible bipolar disorder!
All I know is that he struggles to leave the house, spends days on end in bed because he can't see the point of doing anything and I am now his full time carer because he can't cope on his own.
It's tough and made worse by my 11 year old seeming to also be suffering with anxiety and possible depression!! I feel like I am barely coping with my DH and 11 year old let alone trying to keep things "normal" for my younger 2 children.
I know that the NHS does its best but I feel so strongly that MH is not taken seriously and that too often people are not given the help they need unless they are a danger to themselves, surely they should have received treatment long before it reaches that point.

To everyone, how do your children deal with seeing their parent like this? Do they notice?
DS is a mummy's boy. He always runs to me, plays with me, wants me to read/sing etc, and doesn't like DH joining in. I think it's because he has learnt that if something goes wrong then the game/story/song is over. We can't even go to the park without it being an effort.

Hey, I feel so similar to you all. My DH has an autoimmune disease which has caused depression and anxiety due to daily uncontrolled pain. The last four years have been very negative and difficult, and he's had a number of real crises, especially over the past year.

I've found it incredibly taxing, tiring, stressful, frustrating, crap, and loads of other things. A lot of my dreams and desires have had to be given up. I'm the person that proves all momentum for all things. If I don't physically do all the tasks and chores, I'm emotionally keeping everybody "up" and doing all of the mental load. I have a young baby and I'm back at work early as DH is struggling to earn.

I feel like I've been through every emotion under the sun in the last decade: from empathy and sympathy to utter resentment and frustration. I had almost a year's private counselling that I couldn't afford but to be honest I think it has saved me and our marriage.

What's been hardest to come to terms with is that there is no cure, this will never be "fixed". We never will have that carefree life and be a "normal" couple again, as the PP said. Now it's about finding a good life, even in the ruins!

I make sure to have my own friends, my own interests. I go out and have an active life with the kids. I've had to put boundaries in place to try to ameliorate the "transfer" of depression that often happens. It doesn't always workthere's always some panic or crisis to be avertedbut it does help. I do find that this blocks or dulls intimacy but I haven't found a better way. I have little people who need me now and if I sink under then we'll all be fucked.

Slogging it out for so long has made me realise that I am a tough person. I've learned to practice radical acceptance and self compassion. Now I'm not conflicted and fighting myself (wishing for things to be different) I actually have more energy and I live a better life.

We talk very openly about mental health in our family. There have been times when DH scared them with his outbursts as they sometimes involved smashing things but I've removed them and explained in an age appropriate way what's going on and that, hard as it may seem, it's not because of them or anything they did. Of course, there have been times when it's their behaviour that's tipped him over but it's not the crux of the problem.

There were times when I would go out and can recall walking back home wondering what I was walking into - over excited and hyper or tears and tantrums. It was exhausting both physically and mentally. And I found the 'highs' could be as hard to deal with as the lows - he'd get himself and kids all excited about something that had little chance of happening. I felt like I was constantly having to manage, and re-manage, expectations.

As the children have got older they have a better understanding, particularly as DS also has depression.

Talking and communication has been invaluable to us but I appreciate that DH is quite unusual in his openness. People at his work are fully aware and they can spot the signs themselves now. Eventually, DS became more open in Y13 and overall found it a relief because it actually stopped a lot of questions about his frequent absence.

Hi all, can I join? Feel disloyal talking about DH but his depression is such a strain. I have to be on the ball with everything for the kids/home etc and work, never get a chance to just be me because I'm always supporting people and no longer have DH to lean on.

scottie has he tried EMDR to help with the traumatic experience? It works for some people

I hear you GetUpAgain. I feel like I'm a service provider.

SleepDeprived, I really like your point about realising how strong you are. I bet that applies to all of us on this thread- have proved how strong we are but probably don't realise/acknowledge it much.

My DC know their dad has mental health struggles but don't want to talk about it. I felt better to be honest with them than fake. They do still see him as the fun one though. Because when he is with them, he is fun! Or happy to veg with them and a film. I'm the homework/chores/bedtime/consistency/reliability parent.

I've had a few awful days recently due to losing a family member and I really needed my DH to lean on. He did his best but I could tell he was falling apart inside. I had to stop talking about it because I could see it in his eyes that he wasn't coping and I was worried about him bottling it all up. The last time he did that, I had to kick him out during one of his outbursts because he punched the door frame in front of DS

Bianca I am so sorry for your loss. Your post is heartbreaking. Have you got anyone else to talk to about the bereavement, I really feel for you.

I'm so sorry bianca. That sounds incredibly hard for you.

It's just so unfair that you have to deal with his depression as well as everything else.

I feel like we didn't sign up for this! When you get together with someone and fall in love, you don't expect their personalities to change. So much so that you have to walk on eggshells and you can't rely on them for emotional support anymore. It's like having another child.
Although I feel awful thinking that because it is of course a disease.

I completely agree with the pp who said they feel disloyal talking about their partners depression and anxiety. I think that's one of the reasons it's such a lonely situation for us.

Our children are too young to understand that he's depressed but they say things like 'why doesn't daddy ever laugh'. Which is a bit heartbreaking.

Does anyone else feel like they have to compensate? I feel like it's all on me to ensure the children have a happy childhood.

Yes Cardinal! Like I am the guardian of their childhood, protecting them from the miserable bits of life. Depression sufferers seem to see things only from their own perspective, DH finds it really hard to see things from DC point of view.

I've found my people. Life is so shit right now. DP hasn't been out the house in 2.5 years & I'm slowly getting so bitter & resentful. I feel for all of you & really hope that things do get better for all of us. Has anyone's else's partner also refused to see a dr?

Hey... may I join? Dh has ptsd and actually suffers from anxiety and a bit of depression too as part of this condition.
He is “functioning“ quite well actually and I am trying to nanny him less and will actually call a help line next week and hope they can help me nanny him less.

But I think this thread will be better in relationships.

@2019namechange.

Why hasn’t he been out of the house? Too depressed or too anxious?

I think that our oldest... I am not sure if he notices... but he reacts.
He is such a good boy at home. There never is a problem with him... but outside of the home... when his daddy struggles he acts out.

Actually almost everybody dealing with him tells me he constantly jumps, climbs things, runs around when he shouldn’t, tussles with other boys. He does not accept any authority apart from dh (and me... but to a lesser degree. I am not an authoritarian parent and he is a good child at home). He talks back to grownups, calls them names. We had him tested for add. There is nothing wrong with him. We also learned his IQ is above average.
And this really happens when

Sorry posted to early. It only happens when his daddy is struggling, otherwise he is so polite. He is always a little wild but he only talks back that way when his Dad is struggling.

He never ever talks back to dh by the way. He adores him and wants to grow up to be just like him. He often tells us.

Hi flying fish he had a panic attack at work 2.5 years ago & a few since so he hasn't left the house since & won't go to see a Dr.

I know what you mean about children, my oldest definitely has shown some behaviour that stems from daddy not being out with us ever. It's hard.

Can I join?
So many similarities with our situation. I’m struggling for time just now but will come back with my experiences. It can be so lonely and I’m tired of regulating the mood of the household.

@2019namechange He really needs to see somebody. There is so much help.
We rarely go out those days. Here is a thread I wrote about this. Maybe you want to ://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3470942-AIBU-to-hate-weekends-with-the-family

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3470942-AIBU-to-hate-weekends-with-the-family

Sorry here it is.

BTWdo your dhs cuddle/kiss in public?

I think we should ask this thread to be moved to mental health or maybe relationships.

OP you are definitely not alone...

My DH has had anxiety pretty much all the time I’ve know him (22 years). However things got really bad 3 years ago and he had to resign from his job 18 months ago as he couldn’t cope anymore. This led to a complete breakdown and an increase in OVD behaviours. He’s always had OCD but we didn’t realise as it didn’t impact too much.

My world in now changed. I have 2 DC and he has become another DC to me now. He can’t do anything for himself because of the OCD. I have to supervise him washing his hands otherwise he doesn’t know he’s done it correctly. This means I have to there whenever he needs the toilet.

He can’t ‘touch’ anything so I give him all his meals. I do everything in the house and for the DC. He just sits there in one place. He’s scared of getting ill, so he won’t go out if it’s cold or raining - so that’s the whole of winter then.

I took 6 months off work to care for him as he literally couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve now gone back full time. My work have been fab and allow me to come home 2 or 3 times a day when he needs me.

He’s terrified of medication so won’t take it. He won’t take any type of medicine e.g for a cold or headache.

He has had therapy which helped to some extent. He has read a lot of self help books, articles, blogs, videos etc. He is desperate to get better.

I gave him an ultimatum last Nov to get help through the NHS, including medication if advised. He agreed and he went to 2 appointments at the mental health unit. They concluded that he didn’t need any more help as he’s already had (private) CBT and there’s nothing more they can offer. It was so disappointing.

So now we’re back to just dealing with it ourselves. We’ve put our own plan in place using the information we know. I’ve become his therapist, nurse and carer.

He is slowly making progress, but it’s slooooooooooow. What else can we do?

Family have got fed up and don’t bother with him anymore. They are angry that he hasn’t tried medication. Have other people found family helpful?