To prefer a group meal where you can choose and eat your own food

[Bigoystershell]

I eat fish but now meat, also avoid white carbs so don't eat potatoes/bread etc.

Recently went out for Tapas meal with DH and his wider family. We'd each ordered a number of dishes and as normal with tapas they arrived at various intervals. So as normal for group tapas meal, everyone was tucking into all dishes. I was sat at one end of the table, and so unfortunately after me taking a few bites my dishes went up along the table never to be seen again. I tried to hang on to a couple but it didn't work and didn't want to cause a fuss (it was Boxing Day so special occasion).

So I ended up eating very little, as I didn't want any of the meat/potato/bread dishes. DH's aunt opposite me was in a similar position as she is quite particular and fix the really get to eat much of what she'd ordered. They had a LOT of food at the other end of the table.

We're all going out again in a few weeks and they've decided on a tapas place. I'd really rather go somewhere that we can just order our own food and eat that. The alternatives would either to accept I don't get much to eat, or to say in advance I don't want to share my dishes. This seems petty though. Not sure what to do - suck it up again?

I'll pretty much eat anything. When we went out with work for Tapas, the greedy pigs at one end of the table kept clearing the dishes and at our end we went home hungry. It really put me off Tapas.

Either go somewhere different or don't go.

We do tapas in pairs. Makes life a lot easier.

Thanks Jingles and appless - it's 20+ years since I was in Barcelona and probably 8 since I was last in Madrid. Tapas as bar food was great but the sharing idea sounds annoying to me. I hate ordering something I'm looking forward to but being left with only a scraping of it and being left with someone else's rejected meh dishes. I'm an adventurous eater and have lived all over the world and eaten everything from sheep's eyeballs to chicken feet to demented beans but I want to eat what I've chosen if there's a menu to choose from and I'm paying to eat, not be left with someone else's choice. There are no tapas restaurants where I live, luckily

Why would wider family know dietary choices? They probably know if you are vegetarian or gluten free or something but if you are just fussy as seems to be the case here unless you tell them they aren't going to know. Therefore the food was passed around as is usual. Nothing selfish about that.

Bigoystershell
Just thinking, with tapas everyone has a larger plate so they take what they want of the tapas and put it on their plate. So when yours are brought out just put it all on your plate at the start. If anyone says to pass it down, just remind them you said at the start you were eating your own dishes. The tapas dish will be empty anyway so they're not going to pass around an empty dish.

“Just say that due to your dietary requirements you are just going to order for yourself.
Tell them at the start so they can work around it.”

This ^^. It isn’t difficult. DD is vegetarian and has been to a few tapas meals with friends. She just keeps her veggie tapas in front of her and doesn’t share them, and everyone else shares out the rest between them. It works really well.

“Just be blunt. Don't understand why some people can't just speak.”

I agree.

“it isn't always that easy because families more than any other group seem to want homogeneity and seek to punish members who think differently with snide comments, out and out "teasing", deliberate mass "forgetting" about preferences and so on”

I wouldn’t be afraid to stand up for myself in this case, but I know that not everyone is the same. However, I don’t go out for a meal to make a martyr of myself.

fermented beans, not demented

Demented beans sound delicious.

blueskiesandforests If you do ever venture over here again then PM me. I can recommend loads of restaurants, tapas and not ;) We've been here 11 years and have eaten out a lot.

Just ring/ email the place and say you want your own dish of food and what you want. They'll do it.

Surely tapas isn't meant to be a whole meal? It's just nibbly bits with drinks.

That's why you don't get much

Xmas yes that would be better

Jiggle I like that idea

I think the PP suggesting OP gets her H to speak up were saying this because it's his family, not just because he's The Man.

Some families will take the view that a member's new partner with specific dietary requirements is a fussy whinyarse, or being difficult on purpose (and of course they are sometimes right, some fussy eaters are attention-seekers) so it's kind of up to the one who'se family it is to say look, my new partner is vegan/has allergies, let him/her choose a seperate meal and keep your paws off it.
If the restricted eater wants to order the most delicious dishes, then why don't the others just order more of those dishes so everyone can try some?

JiggleTheBiggles thanks, I might just do that... If you are ever in Bavaria for the Christmas markets or Oktoberfest you could PM me too, though the restaurant recommendations might be more limited

PuppyMonkey demented beans would probably be significantly more delicious than Nattō ...

Nanny I ordered 5 dishes but probably had 2 full dishes with in total. So some people really did have a lot to eat for the same cost

blueskiesandforests Sounds good

Nanny0gg
Have a look at the pictures here www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g187497-d782944-Reviews-Cerveceria_Catalana-Barcelona_Catalonia.html
This is what tapas in a restaurant should look like. Bar tapas is a different thing.

Tapas is a nightmare full stop. Little ramekins of pure grease. No thanks!

You've obviously only eaten in bad tapas restaurants! Real tapas in Spanish cities is far from what you've described!

I have eaten in so called great Tapas restaurants that everyone else raves about. I always find Tapas fairly boring. And that includes in Spain.

I think OP in your situation I'd do a number of the things suggested.

1. Sit next to the Aunt if possible
2. You both announce that you'll only be eating what you ordered
3. Make sure the waiting staff put your food in front of you
4. When food arrives, don't be shy, load up your plate with what you've ordered
5. Anyone trying to steel your food gets your fork waved menacingly at their hand....

Truth is people saying they don't like tapas on this thread mainly mean I don't like the selfish rude buggers I've been to a tapas restaurant with....

@blueskiesandforests

Demented beans! PMSL!

robininbrum I wish they had been demented - what I actually ate was Nattō

OP, I'd ensure I sat with the aunt again, you two could sort your own meals between you and separately from the rest.

We're all going out again in a few weeks and they've decided on a tapas place.

And who actually decided that the tapas bar was the place to go? I'd not want to be going out to places dictated by others all the time. I really hate splitting bills when you've got people who take the piss and eat/drink loads while you and others get way less. It's fine if you're all eating and drinking roughly the same, but I'm no longer inclined to subsidise others.

In Spain you can order tapas (just a bite or two at the most) or raciones which are larger portions of the same sorts of dishes and can be shared. But they’re still quite small!
I don’t think this type of meal works well for more than about four people unless everyone agrees to be generous with ordering or very upfront about what they want and don’t want. Preferably both!

As bar snacks as they were originally devised, tapas is great. Better than crisps and salted peanuts. But not as an actual meal.
I went to one of the highly recommended Tapas places in Barcelona with friends. They were good quality, but I would rather have say chicken cooked in a lovely sauce.