To prefer a group meal where you can choose and eat your own food

[Bigoystershell]

I eat fish but now meat, also avoid white carbs so don't eat potatoes/bread etc.

Recently went out for Tapas meal with DH and his wider family. We'd each ordered a number of dishes and as normal with tapas they arrived at various intervals. So as normal for group tapas meal, everyone was tucking into all dishes. I was sat at one end of the table, and so unfortunately after me taking a few bites my dishes went up along the table never to be seen again. I tried to hang on to a couple but it didn't work and didn't want to cause a fuss (it was Boxing Day so special occasion).

So I ended up eating very little, as I didn't want any of the meat/potato/bread dishes. DH's aunt opposite me was in a similar position as she is quite particular and fix the really get to eat much of what she'd ordered. They had a LOT of food at the other end of the table.

We're all going out again in a few weeks and they've decided on a tapas place. I'd really rather go somewhere that we can just order our own food and eat that. The alternatives would either to accept I don't get much to eat, or to say in advance I don't want to share my dishes. This seems petty though. Not sure what to do - suck it up again?

Barbara I think the problem with tapas is that they're so small by the time you ask for it back it's gone

Or with tapas, if something runs out, you can just order more, as little and often over the evening is the way it is generally done.

you get a tiny single person portion with your wine or beer, you don't order a table full to share. Or am I remembering wrongly?

Tapas are single dishes that come with a drink, yes. But they kind of evolved from there, being offered en masse at weddings/parties/business meetings, and then restaurants picked up on that idea. And then England took the restaurant group eating idea and ran with it.

Barbara we'd actually ordered 5 dishes each already, which was quite expensive (Boxing Day was pre order only). But even so, I would have been spending more money, just for an extra bite or two

Just say your ordering, eating and paying for your own.
I wouldn't be able to eat anything that had been mauled by others. You don't have to give any reason at all.

My friends have a specific system for ordering for this reason. Everyone says what they want and if anyone else wants it, we order enough of it for them all. Everyone shares but everyone gets enough of what they want.

Bigoystershell

Can I ask the type of tapas places you're going to?
Big chains or little restaurants?

I've been to a tapas chain in England and it was terrible, small and probably frozen and reheated. However a good friends Spanish family own a restaurant in the same town, and the tapas there is incredible, because they know how tapas should be and taste.

I love tapas (in the right restaurant) but agree you need "rules" about how the food is consumed.

DH and I often go with friends but we've worked out a system where people order what they want to eat. Then we order a few group items (mainly salads/veg dishes that everyone is happy with).

That food you ordered is put near you and you serve yourself what you want. Group dishes go on the middle.

If/when you've had enough of your selection you can put it in the middle of the table to show it's now "fair game" for anyone else to try.

That said I think it works because the restaurant we go to has round tables )so food doesn't magically disappear to a place where some people can't reach it), the group size is usually 6 people (8 max) and everyone is polite and follows the "rules".

A wee bit off topic, but someone on here said they “can’t abide fussy eaters”. Why is that? It’s none of your business what other people do or do not eat.

You need to speak up, or load up your plate quickly before the food is passed down, so you have a meal full on your plate. (So when the little bowl of squid is put in front of you, scrap 2/3 on your plate before you pass it down, same with everything else you ordered.)

Tapas doesn't work for a large group containing people who only eat a limited range though - have you tried saying you don't like tapas?

Why would you go for a sharing menu if you dont wish to share a large number of the options.? Most tapas bars have some non sharing dishes order one of them.

Jiggle they're high quality standalone restaurants, really nice food (but not cheap)

Ordering more takes forever and everyone else will have finished eating. Far easier to just order two of the things you want and keep one as purely yours.

Greedy bastards.
That would annoy the shit out of me too, and it's not just because it's a tapas place, it's because your family are a bunch of thoughtless selfish wankers.

I went to a tapas bar with friends for a Christmas meal - I have dietary restrictions - so I said I was ordering one dish just for me and guess what, everyone left that dish alone and I got to eat it! Because they are decent, non-selfish, thoughtful friends.

Oh I hate this too. I just wouldn't go probably. I hate sharing food so I actively avoid anything like that. People sometimes do it with Chinese too.

Is there anything on the menu (look online) that you can order that is an actual meal? Sometimes tapas places do have that as an option for people like me who don't share food for those with specific dietary requirements.

Ordinary I like the idea of the upfront food grab!

I can't say I do t like tapas as DH and I eat in them very regularly (for some reason I'm the city we live there's a huge variety of high quality Spanish/Portuguese restaurants!)

I love tapas when it's with Dh and our children but I don't like these type of meals with friends and the wider family.

Went for tapas once with Dh and bil/sil. Bil is known for having a healthy appetite and yet the waitress ended up taking the plates away with food still on them as everyone was being too polite. We ended up getting a maccy d's after as we were all still hungry.

I went to a tapas bar with friends for a Christmas meal - I have dietary restrictions - so I said I was ordering one dish just for me and guess what, everyone left that dish alone and I got to eat it! Because they are decent, non-selfish, thoughtful friends

But it doesn't seem like OP said that to her family. So it's not exactly selfish or thoughtless if they didn't know, is it?

Cuppa yes agree some of them offer standalone meals, but unfortunately not the one they're set on going to in a few weeks (I checked the menu online)

OP says she tried to hang on to a couple of her dishes but they were just taken off her, so yeah - she should maybe have been more vocal, as should the aunt have been, but ffs - it's family, pretty sure they should know their family members' dietary restrictions!

YANBU. And I agree with a poster on page 1. Speak up next time. Women are conditioned to be nice and kind. Fuck that! A man wouldn't have any problem speaking up!

Bigoystershell Then you and the aunt need to speak up. Maybe sit with her and say right from the start before anything is ordered that you two will be ordering for yourselves because your dietary choices don't work in this setting so this is easier. You can say it in a nice but factual way.

Also, seems all the food went in one direction - away from the OP and her DH's aunt! Selfish, greedy, thoughtless still apply.

Can't stand tapas for this reason.

I am quite clear at tapas places, I am fussy. I want my own plates, I usually order 3-4 and eat half of each so still some up for sharing.

If I couldn't get out of tapas with people I wasn't close to I would eat before hand and just accept not getting much. But this should not be the case with family/close friends.