To prefer a group meal where you can choose and eat your own food

[Bigoystershell]

I eat fish but now meat, also avoid white carbs so don't eat potatoes/bread etc.

Recently went out for Tapas meal with DH and his wider family. We'd each ordered a number of dishes and as normal with tapas they arrived at various intervals. So as normal for group tapas meal, everyone was tucking into all dishes. I was sat at one end of the table, and so unfortunately after me taking a few bites my dishes went up along the table never to be seen again. I tried to hang on to a couple but it didn't work and didn't want to cause a fuss (it was Boxing Day so special occasion).

So I ended up eating very little, as I didn't want any of the meat/potato/bread dishes. DH's aunt opposite me was in a similar position as she is quite particular and fix the really get to eat much of what she'd ordered. They had a LOT of food at the other end of the table.

We're all going out again in a few weeks and they've decided on a tapas place. I'd really rather go somewhere that we can just order our own food and eat that. The alternatives would either to accept I don't get much to eat, or to say in advance I don't want to share my dishes. This seems petty though. Not sure what to do - suck it up again?

I wouldn't eat like that. If you don't enjoy it say you'd like to try somewhere else.

Sorry for typo, his aunt didn't get to eat much of what she'd ordered and was quite pissed off

Don't suck it up! Women are conditioned to be bloody nice all the time.

Just say that due to your dietary requirements you are just going to order for yourself.

Tell them at the start so they can work around it.

YANBU. I dislike tapas for similar reasons. I'll eat most things, but if I'm going out to eat, there's no point in the 'treat' if I end up having to fill up on someone else's choice of food.

I think I would go with the option of saying I was ordering for myself only.

I wouldn’t go to a meal like that either. I want what I order, and I do not share food . Sorry but my money and meals out are too precious to share.

Just speak up! They must all know your dietary requirements? If not at the beginning just say ok I am veggie no carbs so I'm ordering these for me. Just be blunt. Don't understand why some people can't just speak.

Just tell them you’d rather just have your own food due to dietary requirements/because you want to.

I went out in a group recently, one friend wanted her own dish, the rest of us agreed to share. Not a big deal at all!

I love tapas but I do insist on ordering what I want and eating what I have ordered. As some things I really don’t like but I usually go in a smaller group and say this upfront i’m ordering this and I don’t want share as I don’t like x, y and z so I wouldn’t be eating from the other dishes.
Have you seen the Gavin and Stacey sketch where Nessa puts her food down over the suggestion of all sharing an Indian takeaway. We had this situation when ordering a takeaway at SIL’s house so DH and I made a joke about it and said we were like Nessa and Smithy and we would be ordering what we want and eating what we ordered.

Everyone who wants to share can but you and your aunt have what you ordered and that obviously means you don't get any of theirs either though (which you don't want anyway so it fine)

YANBU. I’m not surprised they’re keen to go again so soon if they got away with eating your share last time at your financial expense.

Is there another tapas restaurant or another table in the same place you could sit at that would be more communal? A round one or whatevs.

Thanks all, I'll do that and make it clear I'm eating what I've ordered.

We've done sharing meals with another couple recently and with 4 people (who are courteous!) it's worked fine, but I know I'm a larger group with less courteous people it doesn't work. So I'll be firm (and avoid sitting stewing in annoyance!)

They're being selfish fuckers. I went out for tapas recently, one member of the group was vegetarian and we all made sure that he had plenty to it. Several meat eaters ordered some vegetarian dishes too so that he had a bit of variety and could share some of our stuff.

Just say tapas doesn't work for you as a vegetarian and suggest an alternative. It's possible to be assertive without being rude.

Saucy we're going to a different place, and yes a round table would have been much better

I love Tapas, but feel it's better when it's a very small group. It's such a hassle to keep passing plates around and if you have dietary requirements, inevitably you'll end up not getting enough to eat.

I would either say you want to do somewhere and else, and explain why. Or say that because you're limited in what you can eat, you'll order separately.

I never go for tapas If there's more than 4 it's just too complicated I'd suggest going elsewhere

YANBU. I hate sharing food. I'll occasionally share two dishes between a friend or relative if we want similar dishes but can't decide between them, or to get the half pizza half pasta deal a local Italian restaurant does, but otherwise I prefer to have my own dish. If I wanted a variety of foods I'd have gone to to a buffet restaurant.

I don't really understand tapas for sharing either. The portions are much too small. I want more than one prawn or mushroom.

Tapas is a nightmare full stop. Little ramekins of pure grease. No thanks!

Although I agree people should speak up for themselves and too many women especially are conditioned not to, it isn't always that easy because families more than any other group seem to want homogeneity and seek to punish members who think differently with snide comments, out and out "teasing", deliberate mass "forgetting" about preferences and so on.

I hate eating Chinese or Indian food with my wider family, who are rife with food issues of their own, for exactly this reason. My sister will often only order very plain boiled vegetables but pick all the prime bits out of dishes ordered by others (all the prawns for example) to eat with her boiled vegetables and/ or give to her children . I've made my wish to order for myself and my children and eat our own order clear but am mocked or guilt tripped for it whenever the subject of ordering food is suggested.

Its so much easier to go just go to the kind of restaurant where you order an individual portion of food brought to each person on their own separate, individual plate! Especially as that's what happens in most restaurants...

You're not being unreasonable at all! It's not right that you should be left hungry & I wouldn't worry about upsetting the feelings of anyone who doesn't understand this.

Would you consider ordering your dishes and asking for a dinner plate so you can make sure your stuff doesn't get shipped off to the other end of the table!

dietary requirements

It's not a dietary requirement. It's a preference not to eat meat but eat fish, and not eat bread and potatoes.

This sort of sharing meal is not ideal for fussy eaters or those who have a long list of what they will and won't eat.

YABU - I can’t abide fussy eaters I’m afraid.

I’m gluten free and love tapas, when I go I just makenit very clear that this is my food and then pay for what I ordered.

In the words of Nessa - “this is my dish. I ordered it. I’m eating it.”

MaxTeyon in this case by fussy eaters you mean people who want to eat what they've ordered, not eat what you ordered while you eat what they've ordered...

I agree with you, OP. I mostly hate the food that other people choose and order but I like what I order which is why I order it.

I think tapas is overrated and whilst I'd be fine with myself and partner, I wouldn't want that gastro-intimacy with anybody else.

I think the loudest subscribers to sharing are often the greediest people too. Their eyes are constantly on other people's plates.

YANBU. Just order what you want and eat that. You can't be seen as greedy if you are not eating anyone else's dishes. You just need to speak up and state that due to your diet, you can only eat the one dish that you order for yourself.

If I go out for a chinese, I order a lemon chicken because I don't like anything else. Everyone elses mixes and shares and I just eat my own dish. It is never a problem.

Just keep your dish beside you and if somebody starts to move it, just remind them that is your own meal.