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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this message odd?

135 replies

Justanothernamechange654 · 13/01/2019 00:16

Name changed as very outing...

Not sure if I'm being sensitive... Long time lurker but a bit miffed by this and would love some other opinions.

Was round at a friend's earlier for a party (left quite late into the evening), had my very active 21 month old with me. In order to avoid any accidents I moved a few small boxes filled with odd bits out of reach. I forgot to put them back. I've now received this message: "thanks for coming. Did you move a few things to get out of reach of (DC)? It was by the window sill and bloody cat knocked them over... hopefully you'll remember to put them back next time please... I forgot also. Cat toys everywhere too."

Oh, 21 month old was also playing with a few of her cats toys... I feel it's unnecessarily aggressive, or is my perception off on this?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 13/01/2019 10:13

Yes that is a blunt, harsh message.. She's obviously sent it right as she's cleaning up as she sounds pissed off. I would say "Sorry I forgot, as you probably remember it's madness with a toddler, will bring her again when older."

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 13/01/2019 10:19

Oh dear. Isn't it normal to tidy up after people go home?

Especially if they have kids.

She was really rude and unpleasant.

SlowDown76mph · 13/01/2019 10:23

Yes, it is an odd message to receive from someone who is (a) a friend and (b) a host. Everything else is peripheral stuff. Either ignore, or genuinely and gently, enquire whether everything is alright with her.

Ampersandcolon · 13/01/2019 10:24

I'd be tempted to ask whether the other guests got a text about cleaning up after themselves

cuppycakey · 13/01/2019 10:27

She sounds unhinged. I would avoid for a bit and would not respond to her text.

WineGumption · 13/01/2019 10:30

We had friends who would come round for lunch quite often and bring their 2 DDs who would proceed to open every cupboard and drawer of toys belonging to my DCs and take everything out before moving on to the next. Their parents sat drinking wine and ignoring it all, including one time when their 7 month old crawling DD was found nearly at the top of the stairs because they were just drinking and not watching her while I got lunch ready.

They NEVER asked them to tidy anything up before leaving and it would take me ages to clean afterwards. The rare occasions we went to their house I always told my DCs to put something away before getting out another toy and always made everyone tidy up before we left. The ONE time my youngest DD put a few things into a bag she found my "friend" brought it up numerous times with a "Oh ha ha, do you remember when your DD put all those toys in that bag, oh it took ages to sort them all out again....oh ha ha" Hmm

Their house was always a tip and at the time I apologised and it was me that put the things back where they apparently belonged. Suffice to say the friendship didn't last much longer. They just did not see the problem.

Still, at NO point did I send an arsey text like the one you got. Sounds like it was sent in temper and perhaps something else sent her over the edge and you were just unfortunate enough to get it both barrels! Either way I would think she's now made it awkward enough that you wouldn't want to go back there again anyway?

BakewellGin1 · 13/01/2019 10:32

When friends bring children to my house I just assume I'll be tidying a little afterwards. I do try and move things that are breakable beforehand but would be delighted if moved anything else they would be concerned about if I missed anything.

elfycat · 13/01/2019 10:33

I always expect a few toys/bits to be moved and never blame the child/parent. It's just what young kids do. There have been children I won't have back; but that's because they're a danger to themselves and the parent isn't watching them at all.

It's the message though. It's rude, and not like you did anything out of the ordinary. You put a few unsuitable bits out of the way, not feng shui'd the crap out of her place. Even if she was knackered and stressed and this was her final straw she shouldn't have messaged you about it. Depending on you friendship I'd be noting a 'strike one'.

Is she often like that?

I babysat for a 'friend' when one of her DC had to go to hospital overnight unexpectedly; I suggested I take them to my house bigger with a spare room but she insisted her children would be happier in their own home. Her own children were getting things out to play with and then moving onto the next thing without tidying normal.

So we'd travelled back from a long day out when her DC was admitted, camped in her house uncomfortably and kept things as tidy as I could, but knew she was a hordervery particular about where things went so left tidy groups. I took all DC back to mine to cook a roast dinner and when I knew she was coming home plated one for her and the injured DC. Dropped it off wrapped in foil and towels so it was pipping hot.

Next morning woke up to a message about how disappointed she was in the state of the house. Angry

It took quite a bit more before I ended the friendship, but that was the start.

AllMYSmellySocks · 13/01/2019 10:38

A certain amount of small level mess is expected if you have guests, especially guests with kids. A few toys on the floor and a box or two moved doesn't warrant an arsey text. Obviously if you'd made a really big mess (e.g. stuff pulled out of drawers, entire toy boxes tipped over etc) than yes that would be rude of you and you'd deserve a harsh text.

AllMYSmellySocks · 13/01/2019 10:40

@elfycat Oh my god that's unbelievable. What did you reply to her text?

Twillow · 13/01/2019 10:40

Its arsey BUT dependent on whether or not you made any effort to tidy up after your child. If you did and its a few things not in their original position but at least not broken, SIBU.

KaliforniaDreamz · 13/01/2019 10:49

SO clearing up glassses and food after the adults didn't trigger her just your baby?

weird.

Bin her right off.

TrackerBar · 13/01/2019 10:50

She sounds quite hostile and is probably spoiling for a big row because something else has annoyed her. Don't give it to her. I would probably say something like 'Oh god, really?? I totally forgot about that! Sorry! Glad nothing got broken Smile We had a lovely time by the way. See you soon'

Home77 · 13/01/2019 10:55

You would think if she had children too, she wouldn't have been funny about moving the things inappropriate away, does she let her own small children do the same then Confused? very odd.

elfycat · 13/01/2019 10:59

AllMYSmellySocks I didn't say anything. I'd become very good at not saying anything.

Our (now thankfully ended) friendship was toxic but I couldn't see it, and a whole thread by itself. It ended after she came round for Xmas day. Her kids took my house to pieces - every CD case snapped, Cds scratched, books with pages torn, my DD's Xmas jigsaw pieces broken and lost, yarn, crystals I'm woo lego etc. They'd thrown it through a expandable tunnel thing from one room to my DDs bedroom. The stuff was a foot deep in her room; just decanted onto the floor.

I'd told them not to stand on my sofas, but they did and ripped the zip that held the leather cushion on. This was in under 10 minutes while I loaded the dishwasher. Their mother did nothing, it was only when my eldest DD came to me in tears and said 'I can't stop them.'

And even that wasn't the end. It was when I found out that she'd called a mutual friend the next morning, sobbing and crying that she'd seen nobody over the holidays, and that my promise to see her hadn't been honoured. They got an invite to gate-crash the MF's plans and the kids took her house to pieces (broken door, ruined presents). It was the bare-faced lie and dissing my hospitality that was my final straw.

By enough of the thread hijacking.

But OP it's not like you did anything remotely outrageous. I know what outrageous looks like.

Strugglingtodomybest · 13/01/2019 11:09

Sounds like a fun party, if a few cats toys out of place causes her this much angst Hmm

I would ignore her message and hope to get another one apologising for snapping and explaining the real reason for her bad mood. If I didn't get one, I would now be on the lookout for other signs that she considers herself as the adult (and therefore better) in our relationship and would stamp down hard on any further attempts to treat me like a child.

PositivelyPERF · 13/01/2019 11:20

Does she often make little comments to make you feel as if you’re just not quite good enough? That text sounds absolutely ridiculous, as she probably had to clean up after the party anyway.

I’d respond with “I’m so sorry and I hope everyone else that was at the party also feel ashamed at leaving a mess for you to clean. I’ll make sure mini Justanothernamechange654 apologises to your cat for playing with his/her toys next time.”

Butteredghost · 13/01/2019 11:24

Any chance she was drunk? It's just so petty. A box moved at a party - no big deal. A cat toy on the ground - that's where they go isn't it, unless the cat sits at the table and plays.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 13/01/2019 11:27

I'd cut that friendship right off. She sounds horrible!

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 11:32

I always try to put myself in both parties shoes, in this instance you and her. If I was her I woildnt have said anything but would have been mildly irritated at having to tidy up extra after you. If I was you, I'd have tidied up the toys and put the boxes back before I left and not left it for her to do.

So I don't think either of you were right.

RangeRider · 13/01/2019 11:32

No way would I be replying with an apology! Op has done nothing wrong!!
Actually she has, she's moved a box and not put it back afterwards which is good manners. As a result it's got knocked over and there's crap everywhere. I'd assume that friend was trying to be light-hearted with her mention of cat toys as it was cat that knocked it over, but nonetheless she wanted to remind OP to put things back afterwards to avoid this sort of thing.
OP being arsey would probably bugger the friendship, being the bigger person and apologising wouldn't. And it might trigger friend to apologise back for sending a text that may have been misconstrued.

elvis86 · 13/01/2019 11:38

I can't believe there are people sticking up the OP's friend and saying they'd be annoyed too!? Anyone that narky needs to seek out equally tetchy friends, and sweat the small stuff together. Jeez...

KurriKurri · 13/01/2019 11:39

I hate this kind of shit - when you have a party you clear up afterwards, if you invite kids you expect a bit of mess , and you provide some toys for them (obviously different if kids ran wild and deliberately created havoc)

I'd be tempted to reply 'yeah - I had to move them - not child friendly at all - you must have forgotten to put them out of the way. Cat toys away too maybe next time - bit unhygenic for kids to get hold of.'

I probably wouldn't though - I'd just ignore the message and not take my child round again.

Kittykat93 · 13/01/2019 12:03

So she moved a box...big fucking deal Confused

Does that warrant an arsey message?? I wouldn't dream of speaking to a friend like that over the sake of a bloody box being put on a windsill.

birdiewoof · 13/01/2019 12:16

It’s quite easy to forget to move something back when you have an active toddler in tow. OP mentioned they left quite late, toddler was probably tired etc.

I always tidy up after my son at friends houses. However I know I will have forgotten bits, not done it adequately sometimes as quite often we leave at the time we do because he’s tired etc. and being hard work. My very good friends would never dream of sending an arsey message like this! The only reason they didn’t all get spilled in the first place is because the OP moved them!

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