Unknown sister just surfaced, do I have to be happy?

[Onlythedoglikesme]

I just learned that I have a half sister. My mum gave up a child for adoption before she met my dad and this woman has found her. She never even told my dad who she married 52 years ago until last month. My brothers and parents think this is great news, my world is rocked. I don’t want a new sister. I want my previously really normal family to remain as it was. Now my mom is pursuing a relationship with her, they are both going over the top as the newness of it all is so exciting. What do I do? At 48 I feel like an insecure child again. I’m jealous and angry. It makes me look back on my who,e childhood and think that our what I though was a typical challenging mother daughter relationship is because she always pined for her first daughter.

Also, situations like this have a way of bringing out one's 'inner child.'

Don't feel about that.

Your feelings are very valid.

Everyone in the adoption triangle from this era has had it drilled into them that other people's feelings are more important.

Birth mother told it was 'for the best' to give up her baby.
Adoptive child - 'you're mother did this FOR YOU, be grateful to her and your adoptive family.'
Now adoptive parents have to get their head around 'understanding' and not feeling threatened by adoptive children reaching out. Although adoptive children are also made to feel guilty for that - contacting the BM, hurting the adoptive family.

A bit of a shit show, all around.

Very little in the narrative about BM's children subsequent to the adoptive. Supporting them, that is. But now you're being told to put other people's feelings first too.

OP, I understand why you're shocked and unhappy, the arrival of a sudden unexpected half-sibling is shattering, especially if it makes you question family relationships.

I always knew my dad was my step-dad and traced my biological dad when I was an adult. We met, chatted and went our separate ways as we both had settled families and didn't want to upset anyone or any relationships. I had made it clear in my letters before we met that I didn't want to interfere in his life or intrude in any way, and if he had decided not to meet, that would have been fine.

He has since died and I have a comfortable although not especially close relationship with my half-siblings. They had not known of my existence before our father's death and the news changed how they felt about him because he had always been all about the importance of family etc etc.

My half-siblings and I took the whole process of getting to know each other very slowly, and this might be key to why it has broadly worked and no one was upset or hurt. Their mum is lovely and we get on very well.

OP, you seem to have been railroaded into a situation you are not comfortable with. As you say, the newness makes it very exciting for everyone else and maybe you feel there is no room for your feelings. Is it possible for you to give yourself some time before you meet this new person? I cannot possibly know your or your mum, but I can say from personal experience that mother and daughter relationships can be challenging so you might have had a similar relationship with your mum whether you had an adopted sister or not.

As a last thought, from what some people have said on this board, sometimes reunions like this do not work once the excitement dies down, and the adopted children do not maintain contact. If this happens, you might need to be there to pick up the pieces for your mum.

I wish you all the best in this situation. Sorry if I have blathered on.

I’m another voice chiming in to try and balance out this thread - of course you have strong, mixed and difficult feelings to this seismic shift in family pattern, just the shock must be huge.

This is about you, how dare others say different, and take away any right to feel anything about this massive news that will make you look back on your childhood and relationships and potentially question all of it, before it settles down again and you find a new security and bonds of love and belonging.

People who can’t understand that must be seriously emotionally stunted, or perhaps just enjoying the smug kicking they’re giving someone vulnerable on here. Ew. Forget about them, not worth a second of your thinking. Concentrate on some of the really great posts and posters who understand what you are going through right now.

Be gentle on yourself, and give it all time. There’s no rush

nobody could really know how they would react in this sort of situation unless they ended up in it

I'm 80% in the situation (& my family has done this before...). I just found a likely half-uncle via ancestry.com dna test. Half-uncle isn't replying so I'm not telling his living siblings anything, either.

Shame, though. The siblings would want to know all about him. Elderly uncle, so not much time left to meet him.

Slightly different as I know but I have quite a few half siblings I don’t actually know them or their names just that they exist and honestly I have no interest in knowing them what so ever. We might share some DNA but they are strangers and I’m not up for a forced relationship just because my dad had sex with our mums. I dread a letter though my door or an email in my inbox from them wanting to meet me or know me and my family.

To be honest OP, the dynamics of this sort of relationship can be very complicated - there’s no guarantee that after a few months/years that your family and your new sister will be close, it could even go the other way where there may be resentment or ill intentions on one side. It’s all endearing, loving and exciting at the start but time will tell how this ends up.

A reason that your mum may be excited may be that she felt guilty giving her up for adoption and having this secret from her husband/children - now that your sister has resurfaced your mother can feel less guilty about a secret that has burdened her, and there’s a sense of relief that the adopted child didn’t end up in a bad way - especially after 52+ years.

I suppose what I’m saying is that your feelings are absolutely normal, it’s just a strange situation that you’ll have to take day by day. After 52+ years of her being apart from the rest of your family, you have no worries that she will replace your role in your family. She won’t replace your memories, bond etc.

You dont have to be happy no.
I can understand why you're not, but.. put yourself in your mum's shoes. The last 50 years have probably been incredibly hard for her. She probably thought this day would never come.

I think you need to let them have whatever kind of relationship they want and your dad, brothers etc.

If you want to get to know her, great. If not, you dont have to.

Try not to be too hard on your mum.

I have a half sister that always tries to get in touch with me (same biological dad) she's only a teenager so it's really awkward because I don't want anything to do with them. Not ashamed to say I've just blocked her on everything. You do t have to welcome her.

fashionista thats really sad. Poor girl.

I found out in my late twenties that BOTH my parents had, with other people, had children that were subsequently adopted..

My mothers child I have never met, nor did she, I have no idea if she tried to track him down or anything, he was adopted at a few weeks old from a mother and babys home somewhere in devon (in 1967 i think)..

My fathers son however, my halfbrother, is now a part of my life.. he's a good bloke.

However you feel.. is normal, for you. I distinctly recall adding up my mother having a son she had to give away, with her dissatisfaction with me and my sister as children, we were NOT the son she gave away, we were not the 'do-over' she hoped for and nothing we did was ever really good enough.

My dad, on finding his son and getting in touch, did initially do the 'woohoo ive got a son isnt it fabulous wonderous brilliant' etc...

And this wore off after a bit, as it turns out, his son has FAR more in common with me and my sister than with him - all things my Dad has little interest in or doesnt 'get' (music, animals, art)..

Just see how things pan out - you can feel angry and grumpy and confused and pushed out and all of those things... just strive not to be a cunt to anyone because of those feelings, and see how things go.

I guess the simple answer is No, you don't have to be happy - for yourself.

But try and be happy for your Mum and sister - they have been the biggest losers in this.

An innocent baby left without its mother, as she grew probably wondering why that had to happen to her.
/ A mother handing over her little one and never holding it again, forever living with the memory, heartache and guilt.

It's not really about you.
You weren't 'abandoned' 'rejected' by your own mother as an innocent, so try and get over your feelings of jealously & realise that two people are happy to be reunited, neither has had an easy time of it. Your place in the family is as important as ever, you've lost nothing.

Get some counselling and some perspective.

Not my story so I won't give details but I have a friend who had a similar experience of a longlost adopted out sister finding the parents as an adult & the parents wanting everyone to play happy instant family. It has been very difficult. My friend can be as sympathetic and understanding of everyonelse's position as you like - but noone has really acknowledged hers. Over time she has actually got on well with her sister, they are alike & have many shared interests. Her relationship with her parents has taken a hit - all that going back over childhood & wondering what was true & what wasn't, realising that all the time the people who loved you most were deceiving you, lying to you - like infidelity in some ways, but so much worse when as a child you had unquestioning trust & love. No one acknowledges or lets her share any of that - except her wonderful husband & very grounded adult kids, who themselves have seen new found cousins suddenly welcomed into the fold.

The situation is what it is, noone blames the parents for welcoming their daughter, and the daughter herself is blameless, but they could have handled it better in my view, let my friend adjust to the idea before demanding family Christmas & other get togethers, with the new family being invited to absolutely everything & if my friend didn't like it then don't go...... I am amazed she is still in contact with them to be honest, the way they have dismissed her feelings.

Whatever you do, do not stand in the way of your mother and your newfound sister building a relationship. This is huge for your mother - to have her firstborn back in her life after no doubt having had no choice but to give her up. Dh found his birth mother and has built a relationship with her and her family - he has regular contact with her and his half siblings have been fantastic. They are not in contact much as all news passes via birth mum (as often happens in any family dynamic), but when they meet up they get on well. This could be a lovely positive in your life. Maybe you could get counselling to come to terms with it but please don't make a big issue about it within the family, as I'm sure your mother is trying to process this too and she's entitled to feel great excitement and relief. As for her not telling anyone, that was common as unwed mothers were treated appallingly and made to feel ashamed about what had happened. A bit of research into mother and baby homes will open your eyes to what your mum may have experienced and give an understanding of her circumstances and her reasons for keeping it a secret. At least give your sister a chance and if you don't get on with her so be it, you don't have to be in contact.

What @Jennywoodentop said, and I say this as an adopted child.

YANBU to feel that way - as you were the only daughter, and now you are not. It doesn't matter how old you are, you will still revert to feeling like an insecure child.

My db and I were contacted 5 years after our Dad died by his half brothers from their father's second marriage. They had spent all of Dad's life without him, so I was unsure what they wanted to achieve. My db keeps in contact on FB, but I would have felt guilty at any contact as my GM and Dad went without and had a hard existence after the mutual father walked out in 1942 and left my DGM with nothing. These other kids grew up with material things that my GM and Dad didn't have. Not their fault, but it irks anyway.

Be kind to yourself OP and take some time to come to terms with how you feel about this. How you feel is perfectly valid, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

This is huge for your mother - to have her firstborn back in her life after no doubt having had no choice but to give her up.

Its this sort of thought that is why the OP is feeling so put out, sad, jealous and the rest of it.

No matter what age the OP is the mother needs to be showing her that she still cares.

BigSandyBalls, I think meeting me was a big shock to my mother. My existence had been so deeply buried in her subconscious and she had never, ever spoken about me to anyone. Also she was on her own, no family around.

She was very good when I met her, gave me lots of information about my family, I could see that I had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of (I'd always been made to feel a bit second class). I admired her, a very talented woman, kind. However after we met (we'd written and spoken on the telephone before arranging to meet), she was quite overwhelmed and seemed to reject me.

I told her I would never intrude on her again and thanked her for everything.

A few years ago she wrote and we started corresponding regularly. Then she died a year ago.
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Onlythedoglikesme, please come back and talk to us some more. There are plenty of us who are sympathetic towards you (ignore the others).

What very interesting and sometimes heartrending stories so many posters have, thank you for sharing them. I hope they help the op.

Btw, I'm sure it isn't only the dog who likes you, op :-).
for the dog, for you and some more .

You absolutely do not have to be happy about it. Everybody processes things like this differently and it is very difficult to get your head around, it's completely life changing.

It happened to me when I was 11. My younger half sister I had absolutely no knowledge of arrived in the year below me at school telling all and sundry that she was my sister. Followed by two more previously unknown siblings in the years to come. We tried to have a relationship at the the time but it was too difficult for me.

It was one of the worst times of my life, I have no contact with them at all.

My whole secondary school experience was trying to avoid them, I hated school because of it. I couldn't talk to my mum about it and my older siblings had already left by the time they arrived. I dealt with it completely on my own, I was a child and I shouldn't have had to deal with it, although I'm not sure I would've dealt with it much better as an adult.

I hope it works out for you