Unknown sister just surfaced, do I have to be happy?

[Onlythedoglikesme]

I just learned that I have a half sister. My mum gave up a child for adoption before she met my dad and this woman has found her. She never even told my dad who she married 52 years ago until last month. My brothers and parents think this is great news, my world is rocked. I don’t want a new sister. I want my previously really normal family to remain as it was. Now my mom is pursuing a relationship with her, they are both going over the top as the newness of it all is so exciting. What do I do? At 48 I feel like an insecure child again. I’m jealous and angry. It makes me look back on my who,e childhood and think that our what I though was a typical challenging mother daughter relationship is because she always pined for her first daughter.

I'm another one who was adopted as a baby. I did finally do a bit of digging to look for bio-relatives but got no response to the letter I sent so left it at that.
I agree with all the PP who have suggested finding a counsellor of some description to talk it over with. You're not wrong to have mixed feelings, but it would be unkind and unnecessary to have a tantrum and try to spoil the relationship between your mum and her eldest daughter.

DonorConceivedMe, I too read 'The Primal Wound' and it was extremely helpful.

1984isHappeningNow, I laughed at you having 'councilling'. Cheered me up no end :-).
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Onlythedoglikesme, I hope you are feeling a bit better now. I'd like to think we on here can help you. How you are feeling is understandable but you'll adapt and you don't have to immediately embrace your sister. Just give it time. Nothing & no-one can replace the relationship you have with your mum.

My birth mother died a year ago (adoptive parents many years ago), I only ever met her once, in 1987. She had told no-one at all about me, including her husband, and when I met her she was widowed. She had no more children but I have cousins; in her will she left everything to be split equally between me and them! Six of us. She wanted to do the 'right thing' and I am so grateful for that, am no money grabber but was extremely touched to be left anything at all & it will be a tidy sum - if I ever get it :-).

I was supposed to be given my inheritance in October last year but one of the beneficiaries has raised a query so I am waiting......... No idea at all what the query could be but it is a bit hurtful. Probably because I don't know what it is all about, are they objecting to me? One imagines all sorts of things.

My cousins don't know me though one, who was an executor, telephoned me after she died & she sounded really nice. Two of them live in other countries. I know they are all well educated and come from quite well off backgrounds, younger than me of course. My mother was the eldest of three sisters, one had four children and the other had one.
There is still one sister (my aunt), living. I know about her, she has one child and is widowed, her husband had a good business.

I've had communication from a couple of good friends of my mother's who were gobsmacked to know she had had a child, one couldn't believe that she had kept the secret so long and not told her. They have been lovely, I've not met them as they live so far away but we've written, e-mailed and one even sent me photographs of my cousins at the funeral.

These are complicated issues. No-one really understands unless it hits them personally. I can understand how you feel, also how your mother and half sister feel. It's difficult.

I certainly didn't want to turn this thread into being about me & will not be offended if you ignore me, but wanted you to know I understand from various angles and could only do that by telling you a bit of my history. I'm a lot older than you. I've definitely been affected by my mother dying and the will, it certainly hasn't helped my mental health but I'm trying hard not to dwell on it too much.

I feel as though I want to give you a virtual hug. I expect it seems odd that you aren't happy to find out you have a sister but your siblings are. Well, we are all different!

I hope this passes quickly for you . x

I'm sorry but I also think you are being selfish

Why is the OP being any more selfish than the other daughter who sought out her birth mother?

It may be a wonderful thing for the first daughter and her mother to be reunited. That’s great for them.

Not so great for the OP, and it’s a bit shitty to give her a hard time for not wanting to play happy families. I wouldn’t either.

No you don't have to be happy.
I'd be totally shocked, if I was in your position.

there nothing really you can do unfortunately, and things will roll on and progress naturally.

You probably will have to meet her at some point in the future.
I would be curious to meet her and see what she's like, but then i'm nosy.

Myimaginarycathasfleas, thank you for your honesty. People are being harsh on the op - we cannot help how we feel and we don't know how we'll feel unless in that situation! It's not right to be judgemental. This is all new to the op.

She came on here and talked to us hoping we would be at least kind. Well, a few of us have been kind.

Plenty of people bottle things up because they are scared of being judged - not one of us can judge her.

Anyway, night night all. Another day tom....shortly.

Some posters on this thread really lack kindness and understanding. Surely this should be a safe place to offload and be honest about feelings?

Right now, you need to take some time to grieve for the 'really normal family' you thought you had. Your mum kept a massive secret from all of you and nobody has the right to tell you to be happy about that, and it's equally unreasonable to expect you to accept a complete stranger as your sister immediately. If your family can't understand that you need time to process all this, they're the ones lacking in empathy.

I know you're worried that this new half-sister is going to displace you in your mum's affections, but these reunions can very often turn sour and it may be a good thing to have at least one member of the family resolved to take things slowly.

its a bit like when your young and mum and dad announce they are having a girls.remember all the help given to new parents to intorduce the existing child to new baby because of jealousy,uncertainty,scaryness of it all for that child.well this is almost like how you must feel.youve never had to deal with this so sister sister way of life.its hard.
I get how you are feeling.every word you wrote I would say id feel to.especailly if your already a little insecure about your relationship with your mum.
imagine if youd given up your child though.wouldnt you always miss her.depending on whethe it was your "choice" either.so im sure every time you lookd at ur children you might think of her?ahce for her even.and yes as mucked up as it would be it mkight make you find it hard to connect sometimes.BUT that is nothing on you Im more than usre of that.and nothing on her love for you.just more in her own head,her own emotional struggle with giving a child up then having more children it must be hard.every mile stone you would wonder....
but again nothing on your or your lovability or how wanted you were.
how would you feel if she was your sister from birth?then from that question ask yourself why this is different.painful questions and investigation to work through within your heart but much needed.and im sure you could get help with this.
id hate it too.id feel all sort of confusion.
and by the way ive lived with my sister all my life and I feel jealous and uncertain of how much im lesser than in comparison to my sister so sounds like you've got perfect sibling feelings too!
don't berate yourself for feeling how you feel just think of how you can go forward.
you need support though.

I've helped a few people search and I've always wondered really what the adopted adult wants from the result. Is it a recreation of a lost bond, answers to a mystery, curiosity? I suppose adoptees are as varied as non adoptees and the answers to that are many and varied. I feel sad when i see American teenagers on TV not really appreciating the absolute permanence of adoption. It's not just until things are better, it's forever.

Funny how those who accuse op of lack of sympathy seem to have expressed it the least.

FIL had another baby later in life during a year long seperation from SMIL. We didn't know of the seperation, let alone the baby, until shortly after MIL's death. And we are incredibly close to PIL's. I work with FIL and see hin several times a week. You never really know what happens in somebody elses lives once they are out of your view.

Our situation was a bit different because we knew BIL from when he was a toddler because he was raised by (ready for this roud-a-bout) FIL's brothers childhood best friend who works with us but in a different department and he is the same age as one of daughters so they used to play with each other regularly from the age of three and are still close friends in their 20's. So funding out that this kid is actually my BIL probably had a different emotional response than what you are feeling but I completely understand the cycle of feeling that goes through your head. It's hard to predict what you will feel in this situation if you've never been there so ignore all those posters saying they would react in XYZ way. They don't know. It's a cycle. You will need to go through the different emotions in your own time to get to the stage where you are willing to forge your own relationship. And that's okay. Be kind to yourself.

I am also my DM's only daughter, but if I discovered that she had given an earlier one up for adoption I would be heartbroken for her and the pain she had to go through. It wouldn't make me question my place in her affections for me.

Yes that's because it's your relationship with your DM. The OPs relationship with her DM is entirely unique to her, and none of us have any idea what insecurities and tensions exist in their relationship.

The fact is this is a bomb-shell and people on here telling the OP to "get over yourself" and "it's not about you" are just keyboard warriors happy to kick someone when they're on an emotional rollercoaster. Of course it's about the OP!! They are on here to talk about their, very natural, emotional conflict in the expectation of the Surprise Surprise moment.

OP - I discovered my half brother some years ago and it was a complete melting pot of emotions. Our shared mother had by then committed suicide through many years of MH. We have grown to love each other dearly over the years, but it has taken many years to get to know each other and build trust.

Please please give yourself permission to ride the waves of these emotions and feel no guilt at whatever you feel. Please ignore people who minimise your feelings and tell you it's not about you. Take a cautious approach to getting to know your new found half sister, take it one day at a time. You cannot fast-forward all the lost years and expect to just slot into a new timeline and 'become' a sister. If you dont experience euphoria or if you feel resentful, allow yourself that human response - some of it is probably shock pure and simple.

OP I’ve been through almost the same situation in the past few years.

Of course you are allowed to have mixed emotions. It’s oerfectly possible to empathise with your mother and half-sibling and also to be upset and angry that your life is changing. I found it hard that I had no say in whether I met my new sibling or not. I was angry that I was only told they existed when they came looking rather than because my mother trusted me enough to share the information. What if mother had died and never told us before sibling surfaced?

I was also sad that she had been through this as a terrified teenager and angry with my extended family who co-operated in the deceit.

Time has passed and mother and sibling are building up a relationship. It’s been slower for me but we are getting there.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. It’s ok to not be jumping for joy or wanting to jump in to a new relationship.

For the op & . All things pass. Mixed emotions are part of life.

Of course you are allowed to feel as you do, it’s now how you deal with the situation and how you deal with your emotions that are important.

As pps have suggested, reading 'The Primal Wound" will help understand the situation.

It's understandable that you're discombobulated by this. I suspect your brothers might feel differently if it had been a son your mother had given up. Go out with your mother for a meal somewhere quiet and talk it through with her.

after adoption may be able to tell you where you can access counselling.

Good luck

OP your feelings are real and valid. Of course this revelation has come as a shock and its only natural to question your emotions and your childhood. Don't be too hard on yourself, your mother has known about this for 52 years - you didn't, it's bound to be raw.

I suggest stepping back and seeing how this unfolds. You don't have to rush into anything. I have a close friend who traced her birth parents (school sweethearts who were still together) and after the initial excitement and answered questions, she found them overbearing. She was insulted that she was expected to slot into their family without any consideration to her adoptive family. She sees the birth family a couple of times a year but her adoptive family remain very close.

This would come as a massive shock to any normal person. I feel for you.

I hope your sister is not anything like mine. I would have loved to have spent the first 48 years of my life free of her.

OP I understand you are surprised, but your reaction is why I hesitate to find my siblings, I just can't imagine that level of rejection for something that is definitely not a baby's fault.

Feeling so sad for your sister and hope she has someone to give her a hug!

OP I understand you are surprised, but your reaction is why I hesitate to find my siblings, I just can't imagine that level of rejection for something that is definitely not a baby's fault

Feeling so sad for your sister and hope she has someone to give her a hug!

Would you please point out where in the OP it is stated that the OP has rejected her half sister and everyone in the family is refusing to hug her.

I think the OP has been treated a little unfairly on here. I have no idea what I would do if I found out my mother had a child before me, but I suspect I would want to bury my head and pretend it wasn't true.
The O P can't help her feelings. This is obviously a shock and she needs to come to terms with it. Counselling might well help.
I agree with the poster who said it might be a flash in the pan.
Over the years I have known a few similar situations where once the long lost child has traced their birth mother and established what kind of family they came from they are often content with occasional contact. If they have been happily adopted they often regard their adoptive family as their 'real' family.
One of my friends sought her adoptive mother because of a genetic issue with her daughter.
Be kind to yourself OP.

Is is NOT selfish to have human reactions. Fuck every single poster here Last night who chose to kick someone at a low point. You're the horrible ones here, not her.

OP - this is a huge shock and it'll pass. Give it time and take it slowly

I would have loved a sister to share the difficulties of my childhood with. Very different to discover you have one in adulthood.

I also think counselling would be a great place to start. You sound anxious about your teen years, which would indicate there are some resolved issues from this period and parts of you may not have grown up the way you’d like.

Perhaps your dm was pining for your sister. Don’t forget she loved you so much that if she did she never eat you know or told you in anger about her possible idealised version of your dsis.

As pps have pointed out your sister will be feeling more angst than you so do try to be kind to yourself and remember this. It will help you to gain empathy for her and perhaps forge a future relationship with her.

I suspect had it been another brother this would have been more easy to come to terms with. Your brothers know what it is to have a same sex sibling and may even want this for you. I get it’s really difficult to come to terms with not only being the only girl but also the youngest one. Just remember this is a circumstance and situation. No one is to blame or at fault.

It sounds like the arrival of your long lost sister has upset a mother/ daughter relationship that wasn’t the most stable or secure. It’s no wonder you feel threatened but the arrival of your sister has only highlighted the existing frailties of your relationship with your mother.

For now, let your mother and your sister have their moment, their relationship will also have its challenges that they will have to work through. In the meantime, use this opportunity to work on yourself and who knows the arrival of your sister could result in a new found appreciation of your relationship with your mother.

Just for a second, try putting yourself in your mother’s and sisters shoes. You’re not the only one whose having to navigate a sensitive situation.

Jesstan2, interesting story and I hope your cousins aren’t contesting the will. Out of interest why did you only meet your birth mother once?

I was adopted as a baby (Ireland) but have never traced my birth mother, not sure why really, something holds me back.

Onlythedoglikesme, if the dog likes you, I'm pretty sure you are a good daughter, a good person. Dogs know a thing or two.

From your own perspective the daughter-shaped space in your DM's life was being filled by you, however inexpertly. And then it seemed like a usurper arrived to fill the space - someone who looks like being a better fit!

But from your DM's perspective, I think, there will be the feeling of having two daughter-shaped spaces. One was actually shaped by you as you developed, so you fit it very well. (There's often friction between mums and daughters - you are right about that. It doesn't mean there's a lack of love or you are not filling your daughter-shaped space well, just that the relationship can be complicated.)

The other space was of uncertain shape but perhaps took the form of an idealised daughter in your DM's mind. And now, like any new love relationship, it's exciting and novel to begin with and the other daughter is benefiting from having been 'polished' elsewhere - your DM hasn't seen her growing up, with all the inevitable jagged edges that get smoothed down by experience.

I think it's so very understandable that you are feeling jealous, especially if your own relationship with your DM has been difficult at times. But hold onto the fact that your relationship is real, formed over many years of the inevitable ups and downs of life. People are brought closer by the hard stuff, which you will surely have lived with your DM, so please don't think the arrival of the new daughter nullifies or detracts from your own bond with her.