Unknown sister just surfaced, do I have to be happy?

[Onlythedoglikesme]

I just learned that I have a half sister. My mum gave up a child for adoption before she met my dad and this woman has found her. She never even told my dad who she married 52 years ago until last month. My brothers and parents think this is great news, my world is rocked. I don’t want a new sister. I want my previously really normal family to remain as it was. Now my mom is pursuing a relationship with her, they are both going over the top as the newness of it all is so exciting. What do I do? At 48 I feel like an insecure child again. I’m jealous and angry. It makes me look back on my who,e childhood and think that our what I though was a typical challenging mother daughter relationship is because she always pined for her first daughter.

Your feelings are totally understandable so you are nbu to have them, however yabu to express them to your mother or new sister. Or you if you do say it, then you also need to say that you have mixed emotions and you are also pleased that they've found each other.

Just as in when a new baby arrives parents don't love their other children any less because love is limitless, your new sister doesn't mean that your mother's love has changed for you. In fact as pps have said, given what she'd gone through, your mother probably treasured you and loved you more than normal. And will still do.

OP didn't say she had "mixed feelings". OP listed only negative feelings.

OP is trying to blame the missing sibling for her own 48 yrs of awkward relationship. That would be very unfair on any sibling, newly discovered or not is irrelevant.

Wow, some of you are amazing and able to see a situtaution from multiple sides. Thank you for your support, advice and empathy. So many others of you don’t practice what you preach, have a bit of compassion. I am not hard work, just feel a bit railroaded with new information and confused - it’s called being human. Of course I have mixed feelings and no, I haven’t rejected anyone here, I am just not blowing up balloons for a celebratory party, yet. I’ve never posted on here for advice and now I see the dangers of the internet, lesson learned.

I know about tremendously positive experience of relinquished (first-born) newborn, kept secret, reappeared as an adult, now very close friends with her bio-mother & siblings (who were raised by bio-mother). Adoptive mother initially felt threatened (this part I do easily understand) but is now on warm terms with all her daughter's blood kin, too. They don't replace the adoptive mother.

I understand being nervous or afraid of unknown, having to be brave enough to act in spite of knowing the outcome may not be good. I also know it might be a good revelation with many huge rewards for all.

I think your feelings are totally valid.

Despite what some may seem to think, nobody could really know how they would react in this sort of situation unless they ended up in it. It would be a huge shock and I certainly imagine that it could take quite a long while to process it.

Take your time. Make no hasty decisions. You are entitled to feel shocked and confused.

Are you able to talk to your mother at all? She might now be more willing to open up about her past, which has been so secret up until now.

This isn't your fault. It also isn't your new sibling's fault. She may have deliberated for some time about making contact and was probably very nervous about the reception she would get. I doubt that there was anything easy about it.

Take your time. Hopefully you will eventually be able to give the newcomer a chance.

Ignore the twats who have called you selfish and only come on here to give you a kicking. They are the keyboard warriors who have nothing better to do.

Please don't be put off looking for support. We have a big cross section of society on here, and as you can see, whilst there are twats, there are also empathetic people and some who do have some experience relevant to what you are going through.

OP ignore the horrible comments on here.

Your feelings are entirely natural. It’s natural to worry about what this might mean for you and your whole family. It’s natural to wonder whether it has been a factor in your relationship with your mum. I can imagine that all the attention is on the new sister and your mum right now while they rediscover each other, leaving you to come to terms with it. You’ve had a huge shock so give yourself some time to process it. Counselling might be a good idea - a space where you can express your feelings without judgement.

Good luck 💐

I was adopted at birth and have recently traced my birth mother via an Ancestry DNA test. She has rejected me again which is extremely hurtful. I too have half brothers and sisters and I don’t think she has told them about me. I’m not sure whether I will contact them directly as yet. I can imagine this has come as a massive shock to you OP but hopefully you will give your half sister a chance to get to know you and your mother.

outwiththeoutcrowd that was one of the most beautiful posts it should be in a leaflet somewhere!

On a practical note you might want to look at advice online for birth families from Coram or similar, there may be details for specialist counsellors that have supported people facing a similar situation and can help you work out how to deal with it.

Your decision to make based on your feelings, just like your family will do.

If you don't want to do this then don't. You're under no obligation too and can do so whilst respecting they will make their own choices.

You could have been my half sister writing this.
I always knew I was adopted and found my birth mother aged 40.
she lived a tangled web of a life.
Gave up a son for adoption, then had my elder sister who she kept. This sister was OK with me but she also gave up her first DD for adoption (runs in their family!! )
2 yrs later she had me and kept me for 6 mths until partying became to much of a pull and I was unceremoniously dumped in the local childrens home.
By this time she was then pregnant to my half sister who had an avid dislike for me when I resurfaced.
She had my DS 9mths after I was dumped and married DS father.
Then went on to have a DS 2 yrs later.
So 2 boys and 3 girls in 7 yrs.
Que me turning up 40 years later when DS was 39 and a single Mum of two DD who was bankrolled by Mum and Dad.
DS and I were like identical twins. Though I loved this fact she "hated" me and was very threatened by my presence.
I am convinced we share the same father, so not the father who brought her up??
I think I made her doubt her paternity and she was obessively "close" to her DF.
He was incredible to me which made the situation worse for her.
In the end to save her from any more hurt and anguish, it became aparent that I was not going to become more to them than the "adopted " daughter , so I have distanced myself from them.
A real shame as I was building a good relationship with my new "Mum &Dad"

A friend of mine found out, as a man in his twenties, that he had a half-sister. She had moved to Australia. He had a brief, awkward conversation with her over the phone and that was that. He had no interest in finding out any more about her.

My OH has half-siblings living locally who he doesn't know the name of. He also isn't interested.

It's often that way.

I hope everything goes well with you, whatever you decide.

I have been in your shoes OP. Twice.

The first time I had two sisters materialise.

The second I had a brother out of nowhere.

I can understand the shock. Bizarrely I was more shocked the second time it happened, when you would think I would be half expecting it by then!! However, you do appear to be having solely negative thoughts.

This half sister is as much your mothers daughter as you are, and has missed out on all the love care and attention she should have had. I am sure you can feel some empathy for her?

I have to say I was so excited when I found out I had sisters, I don't think I saw any negatives, I just wanted them. Having said that, my own relationship with my mother was dreadful so maybe I was looking for that missing connection and love. That is what I got.

I am now, many many years down the line, incredibly close to my half siblings. We don't refer to each as anything other than "My sister/brother" and they are absolutely my family, including all my lovely nieces and nephews.

Please give it time. Can you see your sister on your own, just the two of you? Develop a relationship outside of the one between your mother and her? I hope it works out for you

Just give youself some time op. You can feel whatever you feel, it's valid, you don't have to share it all. Post adoption charity may gave groups or helpline if you want to talk.

By your reaction to this you do sound like you could have been hard work without any pining involved on your mums part!

What the fuck is the matter with you to say something like that?

OP I think you're not in the least bit unreasonable to feel how you do. This is the sort of news that can rock your world and nobody knows how they would deal with it until it happens to them. I'm of the opinion that we can't help our feelings, only what we do about them. I think this is the sort of issue that isn't easily resolved and that responses of strangers, such as those posted above, can do more harm than good. I would consider getting some therapy to work through both this and the stuff that has already happened in your relationship with your mum.

You’re 48, and it’s not about you

Of course it is about the OP. It's just not solely about the OP but it's normal to have emotional reactions to such news - I had emotional reactions to the news that I'd had older siblings (though I'd never be able to meet them).

OP, be kind to your mother and yourself. Perhaps consider emailing your older half sister and taking it slowly and seeing what develops?

YANBU

you need to have time to process what is going on, AND what has gone on in the past, giving up a child for adoption could quite easily be seen (by those of us without our heads up our backsides) to have a knock on effect on how you where brought up.

This, taken with the shift in family dynamics and siblings and parents seemingly running around after someone that they are forcing you to have a relationship with is going to to be difficult.

This may not be "all" about you but it is about you and where you see yourself fitting within the family group and your feelings in this should not be ignored or overridden.

You feel what you feel. You have a choice over whether you express your feelings.

There are more of us around than you'd think. I discovered I had a half-sister in my 20s. If she'd been born 4 years later - well, she wouldn't have been, because abortion was legal by then.

I didn’t have a problem with the fact of an extra sister (although my younger sister was furious, that I had forced her to know by telling her - she wasn't given a choice, but neither had I been, and it wasn't knowledge I could have and she not - what if she had layer found out that I had known and not told her?) The thing I struggled with most was trust. Because of the circumstances, it would not have been just my mother who knew, but also my father, my paternal aunt and uncle, my paternal grandparents, as well as obviously my maternal relations. They'd all known this big thing all these years and I had never even had a clue - what else might they have decided not to tell me or even lied about? Over 20 years on, I still struggle to trust people, despite having had a fair bit of counselling.

I think it's quite reasonable to have confused, inconsistent and changing emotions. It is about you, even if it's more about other people. Finding out as an adult that you have a sibling you never knew about can be really upsetting, because it leads you to question all sorts of things in your life and relationships you thought were solid, but now you don't know.

Give yourself time. There''s no right or wrong way to feel, though others may thibk you shoukd react a particular way. One way or another, you do need to adjust to this - you can't change that it has come out - but adjusting may not be quick or easy. Acknowledge your feelings, expect them to change and change again. It's not necessarily going to be easy, but you can get there. Take care.

Reuniting with Birth family is a minefield with so many people to take into consideration.
Your feelings are totally valid and they are a genuine reaction to the shock, but it may be best to remain open to the future as time goes on and all you can do is be honest with your Mum about things.

I was adopted and found my Birth mother when I was 26 but in tracing her I was aware that she had married and I had a Brother and Sister. As I was unsure if they knew of my existence I was very reluctant to contact her for a while but in the end, my need to know was just as important. It all turned out fine as they had known about me for years but my Sister did take a little longer to want to meet me than my Brother and I respected that.
I doubt your Sister wants to take your place or ruin your family, in fact, she probably just wants to be part of it, but you have the right to hold back and take your time getting to know her. I do think that you need to accept your Mum's wish to know her though (and with your ages, time is not a guaranteed luxury). Also please remember that in adoption the one person who doesn't get a say is the child and your Sister will have gone through years of emotions because of it. Your Mum is likely to have been forced into it too and so will have a lot of guilt and regret and they will have things to work out between them.
One thing I can tell you for sure is that reuniting is nothing like the programs make out, it is hard, emotional and scary. It can be hard to disagree as you don't know what is 'normal' and without the history, words can seem harsh when they are not meant etc.
All you can do is take it a day at a time and see what happens but I can guarantee that your Sister will feel just as (if not more) vulnerable about it as you. There are no right answers and no one has the right to tell you how to react or what to do.
I hope you can find a solution to moving forward but never feel like you are second best as you and your Mum will always have a bond that your Sister will never have (and she knows that too) but they will find one that suits them. Neither is better or worse they are just different due to circumstance.
Take time and take care x

You’re 48, and it’s not about you
That's harsh.
Your half sister turning up has changed the whole dynamics of your family unit and it's interrelationships. It's about the whole family.

I would look into some family counselling - this can't be easy for your Dad either. Have you spoken to him?

I don't think YABU at all to feel in such an emotional turmoil.

Why do some posters have to be dicks? Honestly just put the boot in when someone’s feeling low.

Op I think what you’re feeling is actually normal regardless of age especially if you had a strained relationship with you’re mum growing up and then this stranger comes out like a bolt of the blue and suddenly they are going out all the time and you might feel pushed out. You are entitled to you’re feelings just as much as you’re half sister is entitled to hers, there’s no right or wrong way to feel.

Funny how those who accuse op of lack of sympathy seem to have expressed it the least.

Isn't it? There are some people on here who appear to be totally lacking in anything close to human understanding.

I have no advice, OP. Just wanted to add my voice to those saying this must have been a massive shock and I could well imagine having similar feelings myself, in the same situation.

That would rock me too, op. Unlike the perfect people upthread I would struggle massively with a previously unknown elder sibling suddenly coming into our life and everyone else seemingly being delighted.

Goodness - what a shock! It's no wonder you feel conflicted and confused.

The exact same thing happened to me (a few years ago, now) and I have quite a difficult relationship with my mother, anyway.

Counselling does help you to put your experiences into your perspective.

I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with my half sister and that's fine. I'm pleasant enough when I see her, (not very often, thank Christ) but I'm not going any further than that and those are my boundaries and I'm perfectly happy with them.

Just don't feel you have to be pushed into anything you don't want. Not everyone is going to love having some long lost 'relative' foisted upon them and there's no shame in deciding it's not what you want.

Similarly, you might find out that you will enjoy it and welcome a new chapter into your life.

What's important is that you take your time and make the best decision for yourself