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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unknown sister just surfaced, do I have to be happy?

145 replies

Onlythedoglikesme · 13/01/2019 00:05

I just learned that I have a half sister. My mum gave up a child for adoption before she met my dad and this woman has found her. She never even told my dad who she married 52 years ago until last month. My brothers and parents think this is great news, my world is rocked. I don’t want a new sister. I want my previously really normal family to remain as it was. Now my mom is pursuing a relationship with her, they are both going over the top as the newness of it all is so exciting. What do I do? At 48 I feel like an insecure child again. I’m jealous and angry. It makes me look back on my who,e childhood and think that our what I though was a typical challenging mother daughter relationship is because she always pined for her first daughter.

OP posts:

Outnotdown · 13/01/2019 00:52

I am my mother's only daughter, and if I found out she had given another up for adoption I would be crushed! And I am 42.

This may not be about you, but it certainly affects you, and some of the responses in here are totally devoid of empathy.

In your shoes, I would certainly go for a couple of counselling sessions, just to sort through my feelings about it all, because it is a complicated situation. Good luck

ThunderInMyHeart · 13/01/2019 00:52

Harsh responses, I think.

Yes, it might not ALL be about you, but it’s not NOT about you.

You’ve been passive and, unilaterally, someone has dropped a bombshell. You're allowed to feel how you do.

FWIW, similar happened to my dad. After a year or two of excitement, they fell out of contact completely.

Didiusfalco · 13/01/2019 00:55

I think it’s okay to feel shocked and counselling to deal with your feelings is a great idea....but a lot of trauma has been experienced, and not by you, but by your mum and your sister. At 48 you need to be the bigger person, the one who supports, is kind and doesn’t put their own feelings at the forefront.

ThunderInMyHeart · 13/01/2019 00:56

OP, is anyone supporting you? What’s your mum said?

She knew she had a baby, you didn’t. You know being sledgehammered IS trauma.

Fairenuff · 13/01/2019 01:00

You are allowed your feelings but in return you have to respect that your mother and your sister are allowed their feelings too.

CandidCat · 13/01/2019 01:01

Something similar happened in my family, but sadly my dm did not live long enough to be reunited with the child she gave up. However my siblings and I were delighted to meet her and our lives are richer for it.

You sound self absorbed and immature for 48. Everything isn't about you. Maybe give her a chance for your DM's sake? You may find you have more in common than you expect (we did). And if not, well, you never know when you might need a kidney!

MeMumsMedicine · 13/01/2019 01:02

Outnotdown

Different perspectives I know. I am also my DM's only daughter, but if I discovered that she had given an earlier one up for adoption I would be heartbroken for her and the pain she had to go through. It wouldn't make me question my place in her affections for me. Why would you feel crushed?

Butteredghost · 13/01/2019 01:04

YANBU to be in shock, but you have to be fair to your mum - how do you think she should react? Surely you aren't hoping she'll reject your half sis and tell her to get lost? Your sister existing doesn't take anything away from your relationship with your mum, just like your brothers existence doesn't.

Bumper1969 · 13/01/2019 01:06

This exact situation happened to me.
I was happy for both my mother and half/adopted/sister that some questions could be answered for both of them.

I imagine it's highly unlikely you will have a " new" sister. There are very complicated and volatile cases. Some peeter out, it's about your mum and the recently turned up sister.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 13/01/2019 01:08

Ridiculously harsh responses from some.

You don’t have to do or feel anything. You don’t have to have any contact or relationship with her if you don’t want to. Don’t be pressured into anything until you feel ready.

PollyFlinderz · 13/01/2019 01:08

As someone who has been through this 3 times due to a father who was rampant whilst married to my mum I can only say you

It’s never ever ever the fault of the child so please don’t do anything that could make her feel bad about herself and the circumstances of her birth.

As it happens it’s been left to me to pick up all the pieces as our birth father will not upset his wife by stepping up to the mark. My mum is dead but she'd have supported me in the decisions I made which weren’t really decisions as I knew immediately what I’d be doing.

Life can throw many a curve ball but this situation has been really good for me in that It’s showed me what I’m made of.

That said you don’t have to deny yourself your feelings but remember you’re still everything to your mum that you always have been.

You may just have gained a lovely sister.

ThunderInMyHeart · 13/01/2019 01:10

By your reaction to this you do sound like you could have been hard work without any pining involved on your mums part!

Disquieted1 · 13/01/2019 01:13

Some of these responses are a disgrace. Ignore them.
Life is not like an episode of 'Surprise Surprise' where you meet the sister you never knew you had, hug each other and instantly recapture all the lost years. Life's much more messy and complicated.
No, YANBU. As you know, professional counselling may help.

PollyFlinderz · 13/01/2019 01:14

Apologies. I mistakenly put my first paragraph in bold.

SemperIdem · 13/01/2019 01:17

Some of the responses here are so harsh!

You’ve had a shock op, and no you don’t have to feel happy about it right now. However, your relationship with your mum won’t change.

Take building a relationship with your sister at a pace that feels right for you. Your pace doesn’t have to match other relatives.

pineapplebryanbrown · 13/01/2019 01:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wololo · 13/01/2019 01:27

I don't blame your reaction. You must be shaken to the core. But please bear in mind what this woman has been through. She has had to grow up without her biological mother and father. If you're struggling with all of this then please seek counselling but do not share any feelings that will harm your mother's relationship with her other daughter.

Wotev · 13/01/2019 01:35

Gosh. I would say grow up, but at that ripe old age, you're highly unlikely to. So, you're not the centre of the universe. Get over it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2019 01:41

Of course this is a shock, but as a grown woman you can't appreciate what your mother went through having to give up her baby? This is a trauma your mother has had to live with for nearly 50 years with no support. You say you're jealous. Of what, exactly? Do you think your mother loves you any less? She has probably always cherished you MORE because of what she went through.

DonorConceivedMe · 13/01/2019 01:43

I’m not adopted, but I am donor conceived (by anonymous sperm donation).

My situation is different in that my bio father gave his “donation” and that was it. He didn’t know I existed until I discovered him via DNA testing. I contacted him but sadly he did not reply. I’ve had brief contact with his (normally conceived) son — my half brother — but he’s not really interested (which I can understand).

I can imagine that your world has been shaken up and it’s really difficult to get your head round. That’s ok. Don’t deny your feelings. But please try to have some insight into your Mum and new sister who have been deprived of a relationship for all this time — a relationship that is every child’s birthright and that you have enjoyed, warts and all.

DonorConceivedMe · 13/01/2019 01:45

PS There’s a book called “The Primal Wound” which might help you see things from your mum and sister’s point of view.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Primal_Wound

1984isHappeningNow · 13/01/2019 01:45

I understand. I found out my dad had a daughter who was adopted at birth when he was 17.

It made me question everything. Things he said and done. He was a hypocrite, lectures on having morals etc He is a big family man and I felt like it was all a big fraud. I had councilling. It helped me to rant and talk through stuff like not being his first born and what it all meant. Luckily my sister lives in another country now, but we have met and it was weird as she looks and talks like one of my Aunties. But the counselling helped me to understand that she was the one who had the rougher deal as I had my dad all of my life for all the important milestones and that he loves me.

I also forgave my dad which was harder. If he hadn't gave her up for adoption he wouldn't have met my mum and had the life which included me and my siblings.

Whilst it's not all about you, this is core shaking stuff to process. I felt guilt over it and my reactions,like I must be a shitty person to feel that way.

2 years on and I've made my peace with it.

Be kind to yourself.

delboysskinandblister · 13/01/2019 01:46

@donorconceivedme

cricketmum84 · 13/01/2019 01:46

I'm sorry but I also think you are being selfish. Yes this is a huge thing in your life and it's gonna take some adjusting to but just think of all the times you have had with your mum that this woman has missed out on.

She has had 50 odd years of not knowing her real mum and siblings. You can't possible imagine how that must feel for her. Show some compassion and start building a relationship. She is probably lovely.

Atchiclees · 13/01/2019 01:47

My DH is adopted. I would love to know more about his biological family, and if we were to reunite (he is scared of more rejection) then i would understand the range of emotions the effect a secret like this has on people’s understanding of their own lives.
Counselling is a really good idea. Please be kind to your new half sister, even if you cannot be happy at the moment.

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