Unknown sister just surfaced, do I have to be happy?

[Onlythedoglikesme]

I just learned that I have a half sister. My mum gave up a child for adoption before she met my dad and this woman has found her. She never even told my dad who she married 52 years ago until last month. My brothers and parents think this is great news, my world is rocked. I don’t want a new sister. I want my previously really normal family to remain as it was. Now my mom is pursuing a relationship with her, they are both going over the top as the newness of it all is so exciting. What do I do? At 48 I feel like an insecure child again. I’m jealous and angry. It makes me look back on my who,e childhood and think that our what I though was a typical challenging mother daughter relationship is because she always pined for her first daughter.

They lost 48 yrs & you're jealous? It's not about you

Jesus Christ, some people are so hard-hearted it beggars belief! OP has just found out that she has been lied to her entire life by those closest to her. Surely any reasonable person can understand that this would take some getting used to! Of course there are going to be some feelings of jealousy if OP has had what she describes as a "challenging" relationship with her DM and then suddenly this 'new' Daughter arrives and DM throws herself into a relationship with someone who, as far as the OP is concerned, is a complete stranger. But I'm sure the posters berating OP have never experienced feelings insecurity, jealousy or been anything but entirely selfless in such a trying situation

(((Hug)))

For you, it IS about you 💐. That’s a huge shock and a life changer.

Of course it affected the way your mum was with you. Of course you’re going to question lots of things now.

Obviously is very differenent for your brothers. THEY were never the ‘only’ son (well not once the second was born) and it’s not another ‘son’. Being your mothers only daughter, is an entirely different relationship than being one of her sons.

It’s a complete mindfuck and I’m not surprised you’re feeling the way you are.

I’m astounded that your Dad isn’t feeling betrayed by her lies. Pretending she’d never been pregnant or given birth before, that their eldest together was her first. I know times were different then and she might have been pretty much forced into putting her baby up for adoption, I feel for her, but that doesn’t excuse her lying to him. Or actually, IMO, to you. My Mum told me about a late term miscarriage she’d had when I was quite young. At first it was ‘the baby she lost’ between my brother and I, then more details as I got older. It is part of who she is, why she’s who she is etc. Adopting out a baby is a very big deal in your life and I think it’s really wrong to lie about it.

I know lots of posters will disagree, as lots think anything that happened prior to your meeting you partner is ‘private’, but I disagree.

Don’t leave because some people have been nasty. The art of MN is taking the reasonable posts (of all views) and thinking about what people have said and simply ignoring pure vile. 💐

OP, I am sure it is partly the shock as you did not know this half sister existed. My old school friend in his 50s has recently met his half brother who was adopted and when his adopted parents died traced his birth mum (my friend's mother). The difference is my friend always knew his mother had a baby that she had put up for adoption years before. His mother was very cautious about the reunion, but my friend was nothing but supportive of his mother and welcomed his half brother. I do think it has blind sided you as you did not know this person existed but with time and reflection I am sure you will be able to understanding of a very difficult situation.

Suggesting the OP was probably hard work as a child anyway, (as sparklybanana did) and some of the horrible things people have written like 'get over it' and 'grow up!' and 'you're selfish' and 'it's not about you!' are bloody awful. Just stop it!

@happythecroc is right, (on page 1) some people here are extremely unpleasant. Makes me wonder what has happened in their life to make them like this. And yeah actually, it IS about the OP too. She is totally involved in this. This involves her mother - and her half sister, that she didn't know about til she was 48!

@Onlythedoglikesme

OP I am really sorry you feel as you do, and it must be such a shock, and there has been SOME good advice on here (as well as the nasty stuff!)

This poor woman (your sister) was given up for adoption over 50 years ago, and has the joy of finding her birth mom and blood-family, She has been searching for her real identity for 5 decades. Coz no matter how lovely her adoptive family was, she will always have felt like there was something 'missing.' So you really need to cut her - and your mom - some slack.

Your mom never resented you sweetie, she hated herself for giving her first born away. Many women do. She should not have done because it's not an awful thing to give your baby up for adoption at all, and many women do it for very good reasons.

Let the dust settle, let your mom come to terms with what has happened, and let them get to know each other, then get to know your sister. She will want to be your friend AND your sister, and she is not setting out to steal your mom!

Good luck to you and I wish you well. It will all be OK I promise, but you have to be cool about it. Maybe suggest a pub lunch or something with your mom and new sister.

Oh and being 48 has shit-all to do with anything; you are NEVER too old to be insecure and afraid. So ignore anyone calling you immature and petulant.

Must be nice to be so perfect eh?

Look after yourself.

If feel for you. Exactly what does the half sister want? information? a sense of belonging? a new family? sniffing for inheritance?

If feel for you. Exactly what does the half sister want? information? a sense of belonging? a new family? sniffing for inheritance?

Are you for real??? WTAF?

I think I'd urge you to try to think about it also from their side, not just yours. The relationship with your mother was never about your half sister, it was always about you and her.

Both of them have been through trauma, and your mother is trying to recompense, I'm sure you woildnt wish her to be the type of woman who rejected her child a second time.

This isn't to say your feelings are abnormal, more you need to also think about them and what they have been and are going through.

And you never know, this woman may be someone you really like. There is a world of opportunity there for you. There is nothing for you to be jealous of, nothing at all.

OP please read and reread Outwiththeoutcrowd's very wise post. In fact print it out and keep it handy.

You'll get through this.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

I feel for you. Exactly what does the half sister want? information? a sense of belonging? a new family? sniffing for inheritance?

WOW. I rest my case.

I think it's understandable that you are feeling unsettled and jealous, it's a bombshell. You share some genetic material with this woman but that doesn't guarantee you can build a relationship.
At this early stage it seems more realistic for them to hope you are "not hostile" rather than "happy".

OP, you’ll get some harsh responses on here from people who expect us all to be totally rational and selfless under any circumstances. In addition to never wanting to celebrate your birthday or expecting anything but the minimum from your family.

This. Or you're unkind. And if your wife cheats on you and passes off her and OM's children as yours, you should just accept it or you're a bastard.

For those accusing the OP of lack of empathy and making it all about her. Just where in the first post do you see this. All I see is someone posting on an anonymous site about her feelings and the fact that she is struggling to feel the way the rest of her family do. There is nothing about how she has acted or what she has said to her family. Surely we are all entitled to our feelings and many people use this site to explore those feelings.

Sometimes it looks as if there are people here who just cant wait to rush in and criticise anyone who admits to feelings that are not what they would consider to be appropriate. If the OP wasn't questioning her own feelings she is not likely to have posted as she did. She raised a question for goodness sake. Perhaps the critical posters are all so perfect that they never have any doubts about themselves or their feelings. Lucky for them.

OP I would second those posters who have suggested that you seek out some professional support to help you process this change in all you knew and understood about your family. You don't need to make any hard or fast decisions just now about what kind of relationship you will have with your half sister and you don't even need to say anything very much until you are ready. Just tell people you are still trying to take it all in.

@EthelHornsby

You’re 48, and it’s not about you

It is about the OP, it's HER feelings we are discussing.

Might I suggest that you get this thread moved to the Adoption board?
You’ll be far more likely to find posters who have experienced a situation like this before, and will hopefully find responses a little more empathic.

I'm late forties and I'd find this situation very upsetting and unsettling, of course it's going to take you some time to get your head around it. Your mum has kept a very large secret from you for all of your life. I'm not saying she should have told everyone at all but it's bound to make you reflect on the past and question everything, it would be odd if it didn't.

We've had similar things happen in our family a couple of times.

My Mum's parents got divorced when she was about 5 because her father had got someone else pregnant. Mum and her siblings had no contact with him from then onward. When Mum was in her fifties a half brother got in touch. The half brother explained that their father had died a few years before and his mother (the OW) had just died and he and his siblings had been sorting out the estate and discovered their father had 3 children they never knew about, they didn't even know he'd been married before. Mum has met up with him and kept in touch for the last 3 decades but she really isn't that interested. I think she's conflicted by feelings of loyalty to her mother so isn't quite sure how to handle it but doesn't want to be rude and knows that he wasn't to blame for anything their father did.

DH was adopted and when our first child was born he suddenly realised how hard it must have been for his biological mother to give up a child. He was born in the sixties and knew that many young mothers were not given any choice. He decided to get in touch with her just so he could let her know he was fine and that he had no ill feeling towards her. He got in touch through an agency. She had since married and had 3 more children. Her husband had always known about him but the 3 children didn't. After initial contact through an intermediary she said she wasn't sure she wanted to meet and would need time to get her head together and to tell her children. A couple of years later she got in touch and she and her husband met DH for coffee. They had a long chat and she told him her children would be happy to meet him if he wanted to. He'd never really thought about her children, he'd just wanted to make sure she was okay. That one meeting was enough for him. He left the ball in her court and she's never been in touch since. That was about 12 years ago now.

I've been really shocked at some of the responses you've had on here!

I've watched programmes like Long, Lost Family and I wonder how many of those people are still in touch years later.

I am the long lost half sister also. I was adopted out and traced my birth mum some years ago. She did not want to know and got her sister to phone me to tell me basically to get lost. The main reason was that she didnt want her "own" children to know in case their feelings towards her changed.

Some years further one, I traced my half sister. My bio mum had had a son 18 months after me but kept him, married the dad and had another girl.

Clearly my half sister was shocked and she rang me the once. She was chilly at best. The biggest shock (after hers) was the fact she had not spoken to her mother in 30 years following a bitter divorce. She also did not speak to her brother. The anger and bitterness within the family made me realise how lucky I had been to be adopted out.

As for my half sister, after discussion about her father who I also believe may be mine, she never contacted me again. She never discussed my existence with him and it was very clear she did not want me in the family either.

I have accepted the situation and wont contact her again. The strangest thing is that I am a grandparent carer myself and have brought up two more boys.

Not saying I am a saint in any way, shape or form but opening yourself up to possibilities op may be a good thing after the initial shock and disbelief wears off. I hope things can move forward for you.

It's totally understandable that you feel in shock. Be kind to yourself and go slowly with your reactions till you've taken some time to think things through.

But do also remember that whilst your mum has potentially deceived you, the sister has done nothing wrong. Don't transfer your anger to her (like the other woman in some ways, to be honest). She isn't the one who kept you in the dark and lied to everyone. She was just a baby - and probably has a lot of demons and insecurities of her own from the rejection.

YANBU. My experience of siblings that you haven't been raised with is that you don't really feel much of a connection to them. I think your feelings are understandable. If I were in your situation I think I would give it some time and probably just let them get on with it. If you still feel you are struggling with this after a couple of months then maybe some counselling would help.

I think "Long Lost Families" is unrealistic in some ways, in that there's always a happy ending! Maybe sometimes the family don't want to know the long lost son or daughter, and so the program makers can't take it any further. We never get to hear about those cases though.

Oh and being 48 has shit-all to do with anything; you are NEVER too old to be insecure and afraid. So ignore anyone calling you immature and petulant.

^^This
Incredible how some people seem to think that after a certain age people aren't allowed to be upset or to have feelings. So callous!

Your mum married your dad 52 years ago, so in 1967, and the pregnancy happened before she met him, so mid 60s? Being an unmarried mother then was HUGELY stigmatised, she would have been under a great deal of pressure to have the child adopted, it would all have happened very quickly. It would then have been all hushed up and your mother made to feel ashamed, unable to talk about it. How was her relationship with her parents? They'd presumably have known?

" It makes me look back on my who,e childhood and think that our what I though was a typical challenging mother daughter relationship is because she always pined for her first daughter."
I don't know what you mean by challenging, but in it's broadest sense, many mother-daughter relationships could fall under that category. What I'm trying to say is, any challenges in the relationship with your mother are pretty normal. Would probably have been there even if this hadn't happened to her. If there was any effect from her earlier life, I'd think it would be more likely to be caused by anxiety than pining. She'd had one child taken from her, she'd fear having you taken too. Yes, I know that's not a rational fear, but rationality rarely comes into fear. Again - how was your mum's relationship with her parents? If they disapproved of her, she could have felt 'unworthy' of being a mother. That's got to have messed with her head.

"At 48 I feel like an insecure child again."
How you phrased this suggest you felt insecure as a child? I'm wondering if you might have 'caught' feeling insecure from your mother's insecurity. I know I'm guessing here.

The revealing of a family secret is hugely unsettling. Your reaction to it is pretty normal TBH. Don't beat yourself up about how you're reacting. But maybe consider cutting your mum some slack - her life was turned upside down when she was young, and she's had to suppress it for a long time.

I have an adopted sister who found her blood siblings (after my DM died as she didn't want to upset her).

It's a complicated maelstrom of feelings and possibilities. 2 half-brothers rejected her contact which just devastated her. Her full brothers and sister have stayed in contact but it's not all been plain sailing.

She hit it off particularly well with her "new" sister - and I get on fine with the sister as well. We call each other honorary sisters!

However, she and I have talked about the fact that whilst I was genuinely thrilled that she had found her original family, I did feel a little vulnerable when she and her sister obviously got on like a house on fire and I felt a little pushed out.

Her blood sister is very close to her in age and they share tastes, speech patterns and similar outlooks on life. It's uncanny. There is 12 years between me and my sister and we are different as chalk and cheese, so it's not surprising it's raised some feelings. However, we have talked it through and she knows I am chuffed to bits for her.

After an initial period when they were in almost daily contact, it is all a lot less intense now and we are as close as we are ever likely to be given the age difference.

Another vote for counselling. It might help to put the situation in perspective and help you to put yourself in both DM's and new sister's shoes.

❤️

I too was that long lost sister. I found my birth mother, half sister, half brother, grandmother and extended family 19 years ago when I was 37. It was scary for everyone involved (especially as my half sister didn't speak English very well - my mother moved to Europe after I was adopted where she married and still lives, now widowed).

Having gone from the baby of the family to the 'big' sister was a weird feeling but I am now very close to my mother and get on very well with my siblings. I am hugely protective of my 'little' sister - she had some relationship difficulties a while ago and I wanted to kill the guy!

Keep an open mind OP and do think about counselling. Best of luck.

@birdladyfromhomealone you sound lovely

@Onlythedoglikesme

Thank you for your post. A few years ago, my adoption agency (in the US) sent letters to my BM. We never got a response to those - I have done more digging myself and could reach out to the family again but I have hesitated. I am exactly your age.

I am constantly being told it's 'my right' to contact them and to get information (even, now and unexpectedly, from my adoptive parents) but I am really aware that it could be like throwing a hand grenade into someone's (multiple people's) life when I'm not sure I would even want something long term.

I can't bear that thought, equally I can't bear the thought of my mum, having received those letters, up at night worrying about how I could turn up any time and destroy the life she has built.

I also found out that all of my BM's daughters share the same name in some form. My name is 'X', my first half-sister has my name as a middle name, and my youngest half-sister has my name a first name! I cannot even imagine a reunion like that - "Hi, here's the Real X." Given how many years ago it was it COULD be a co-incidence, maybe not. THey didn't give much information out to anyone (and when they did much of it was lies or irrelevant.)

My adoptive mother also made a huge deal about my name growing up, that she'd ALWAYS wanted to name me X etc etc. Part of the hagiography, so to speak. Once I found out about my birth sisters, I began questioning that story, and felt like I could conceivably have been 'stitched up' by both sets of parents with some fake story.

If it helps, finding out about my birth family was more about gaining control over my personal history. I didn't like the fact that people knew more about me than I did. I wanted to feel in control of the narrative.

I suspect your birth sister is reaching out now because she feels time may be running out to meet your mum. Sorry to put it like that but it's probably hit her that if she leaves it much later the chance may be gone. That has occurred to me too.

I would love nothing more than to meet my birth siblings. I have a half brother too. If it helps at all- I am sure she "comes in peace".

I don't blame you at all for being unsettled about this and your aren't responsible for her feelings.

I would also second counselling because I think in your shoes it's worthwhile focusing on your relationship with your mum. As others have said - it's very, very likely that this will settle into (at best) contact a couple of times a year after this initial period. You'll still be left with your mum and your relationship with her.