AIBU to not want to split bill evenly six ways

[SaucySpider]

I've just been for a meal with my daughter and son in law together with his parents. My husband and I arrived early so bought some drinks and were seated while we waited for the others. We had a very nice meal and had a good evening. However when the bill came my daughter split the bill evenly six ways but after our first drinks hubby and I only drank tap water (not because we are mean but because we like water with our meal) while the others all had at least two alcoholic drinks then coffees which were added to the bill. Thus we ended up paying for a large portion of their drinks. Don't get me wrong we are always willing to 'get a round in' when we socialise but having already bought our own drinks and not having any more I felt a little bit cheated or am I being a skinflint. Would it have been fairer to just split the food part?

It’s like a different world! Some of us genuinely can’t afford to split like this, (some of us can’t afford to go out at all, but that’s a whole other story)
If I do go out, I can’t afford to split evenly.
Op YANBU (unless you’re loaded)

For work nights out, we split the food bill evenly and then the drinks are still split but with non drinkers contributing half of what the drinkers do. Quite often nice non alcoholic drinks are not that much cheaper than the boozy ones. But that is a whole different issue.

I think it's different when it's family and paying for your own is much more normal with friends or colleagues. If I was the daughter I would have been so, so embarrassed if my parents refused to split and we're quibbling over an extra 5er or whatever. I think it's unusual for one of the sets of parents not to just pay it all.

I get that for some people £20 is their weekly food bill. If that is the case, a meal out is probably prohibitive. Unless that is the case, it seems petty to quibble about small amounts. If you are bothered and knew you were drinking water, then you should ask for separate bills upfront when ordering. I’d be embarrassed to do that.

It’s like a different world! Some of us genuinely can’t afford to split like this, (some of us can’t afford to go out at all, but that’s a whole other story)
If I do go out, I can’t afford to split evenly.
Op YANBU (unless you’re loaded)

I agree but that's not the op's situation is it. And if it were, her daughter should have known not to suggest splitting the bill. or the op should have discussed it with her before the meal out.

Family is always a bit different, you know who the piss takes are and those who cannot afford too much and plan the restaurant accordingly. In laws complicate not knowing the shared history, but in this case it should be the people who want to not to split the bill who take control of the payment. The DD is not a mind reader and might not of realised the first drinks were not included in the bill. When I split, I do not even look at the bill just the total.

I understand where you are coming from - I don't drink any alcohol (medical reasons). However, I am out and someone wants to split the bill evenly I pay it, especially with family. The only time I would say no is if in the pub with mates and they've drunk several each whilst I had had water (but this has never happened as everyone realises I don't drink).

See, I'm on the fence with bill splitting because it's not always as straight forward as "it's only a couple of pounds"

It's ok splitting if everyone ends up paying the same but some may have had slightly less/slightly more food or drinks but in the case of the OP she has ended up paying more than anyone else but has actually consumed less - ie her meal plus one drink, the others have had their meal plus two drinks and coffee, this doesn't feel equitable at all so I don't think the OP is being unreasonable!

If I go out with my friends we all generally have similar things, ie one or two courses and one or two drinks so we just split the bill.

If we go out with my Dad there's me, DH, DS and my DF (sometimes his partner) and either my DF or I pay so fine.

If we go just with MIL and PIL we usually treat them because they are nowhere near as well off as us.

If we go with DHs whole family there are PIL (not so we'll off), SIL & her DH (similar income to us no DC) BIL & his DW (not as well off as us, one DD) and BIL (single dad with one DS) - clearly a different mix of wealth, some with DC in attendance some no DC and some who don't drink alcohol (usually only DH and I plus one BIL have alcohol) so its really not fair to expect some to subsidise others meals and drinks especially if they are not aswell off. In this case we just pass the bill round the table and each couple works out their own plus tip.

I do see your point but I also think there is something really tight and cringeworthy about only ordering tap water with a meal.

My husband and I arrived early so bought some drinks and were seated while we waited for the others.

Maybe they thought the drinks you had were on the bill and not paid for separately if they saw the glasses of drunk alcohol on the table.

I suspect then if you normally are happy to your daughter (and son in law) had pre decided that the easy way would be to split it 6 ways (to avoid any argument over who got the bill) so quickly said it.

Her inlaws presumably then went ok as their DIL and son were the driving force behind it so assumed you would be ok with it.

To be honest with drinks they may well not have even noticed you were on tap water or didnt have coffee. it sounds like a relaxed meal

What's wrong with tap water?

It's healthy, it's far better for the environment than asking for bottled water, it's not loaded with sugar or caffeine like most soft drinks, and it's alcohol free so you can still drive. What exactly is wrong with it??

Is it just about the belief that drinking tap water makes someone appear to be stingy (in the eyes of stupid people imo)?

Why so much mention of embarrassment! So much people getting embarrassed so easily but then it does seem to be a British trait. I'm embrasse when I do something that is unfair or unkind to someone else not when I politely voice a suggestion that is fair.

People are also referring to family meals and I agree that a family meal is quite different to a meal with friends let alone colleagues. However, since this seems to have come as a surprise would suggest that either the couple are newlyweds or they don't see the retrospective families often. In that case, surely the minimum politeness would have been for the in laws to ask how to pay the bill and if indeed suggested an even split, it would have been easy for the son or daughter to have said 'well mum and dad didn't have any drinks at the table so why don't we split the alcohol between the 4 of us'.

With both my and OH families, everyone fight to pay the bill. Its so bad that it got to the point of oh calling before and asking to pay £100 up front. They wouldn't do that though! It's quite entertaining to see how everyone tries to get the waiters attention quietly in the middle of a conversation, or pretend to go to the toilet to pay on the way! But ultimately, we do tend to just take turns. We're all very close though.

Oh, and I also always drink tap water and have been know to ask for doggy bag, another OH HOW EMBARRASSING! excuse to many Brits which is so misplaced as most restaurants much prefer clients to take their food home as a clear appreciation that they've enjoyed the meal than throwing it in the bin. I'm often thank when I ask for one and not uncommonly find they've added something in it.

Nothing wrong with ordering tap water. It tastes the nicest to me, I hate mineral water.

But OP, yes it was a little rude of the drinkers not to throw in extra (what I would do). But as you don't mention you are skint, just forget this one. Its not like it will be happening every week.

I think your DD did the right thing to split the bill evenly 6 ways.

It was a meal with family, you were there presumably to enjoy the meal and each other's company...not to be sat there working out who ate what, how much it cost etc.

In my experience, the ones who always want to split bills evenly have always ordered the more expensive meals and had much more to drink.

There does seem a reliance on those ordering the most to offer but having been in position of worrying how much the bill is and not being concerned at all, the later means I really could not tell what others have ordered.

My golden rule for this situation is that if I’m on a budget or not drinking, to be upfront about it before everyone orders. Then there’s no awkward conversation which ends the evening on a negative note, when the bill arrives.

I think you are being pedantic on this occasion, it sounds like you’ll be out with these people again at some point, so surely costs of who’s paid what, will balance out over time.

Unless I was really struggling financially (in which case I would not be going out for dinner) I would never quibble over a bill like that. I would be mortified if my patents did this.

BTW in the OP's circumstances I'd have split the bill and smiled happily.

YANBU. Why should you be expected to subsidise other peoples meals!? Though you should have said something at the time.

As a meal out is a treat for us we would like to split evenly but we couldn’t afford to in your situation.
I don’t think Yabu in this instance because I know my family would not expect me to pay if they had so much to drink. It’s one thing splitting the food bill where everybody had a main and a pudding. Alcohol is expensive your family is bu.

it sounds like you’ll be out with these people again at some point, so surely costs of who’s paid what, will balance out over time.

This was my thought too - with people you see often, things usually come out in the wash (as it were). One time you’ll have the more expensive meal, another time they’ll have an extra drink. If you had drinks when you arrived, they probably assumed you’d started a tab and the drinks wouldn’t register in the context of a bill for six.

If I worries you, suggest a different strategy to your daughter for next time....but I think you’d have embarrassed her to do anything other than you did at the time this time.