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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to split bill evenly six ways

356 replies

SaucySpider · 12/01/2019 23:26

I've just been for a meal with my daughter and son in law together with his parents. My husband and I arrived early so bought some drinks and were seated while we waited for the others. We had a very nice meal and had a good evening. However when the bill came my daughter split the bill evenly six ways but after our first drinks hubby and I only drank tap water (not because we are mean but because we like water with our meal) while the others all had at least two alcoholic drinks then coffees which were added to the bill. Thus we ended up paying for a large portion of their drinks. Don't get me wrong we are always willing to 'get a round in' when we socialise but having already bought our own drinks and not having any more I felt a little bit cheated or am I being a skinflint. Would it have been fairer to just split the food part?

OP posts:
FlippinNora1 · 14/01/2019 22:42

Aren’t you somewhat tarnishing the night out by getting worked up over this? It’s sort of wasting the £42 you did spend.

I too come from a family of generous parents and in-laws. They often insist on paying although we do reciprocate when they will let us.

DippyAvocado · 14/01/2019 23:22

Oh for goodness sake I’d be terrified order anything with you in case it didn’t cost the same as what you ordered

This is why paying for your own meal is better. Order what you want, within your own budget. I would feel very guilty of the meal I ordered was more expensive then the bill was split.

FixedIdeal · 14/01/2019 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wowfudge · 14/01/2019 23:25

Say something before anyone orders. Stewing after paying the bill achieves nothing.

Aridane · 15/01/2019 00:53

I find it really irritating that restaurants won't give you separate bills

Well, yes, they will - you just need to ask when you place the order!

DippyAvocado · 15/01/2019 01:36

I find it really irritating that restaurants won't give you separate bills

Well, yes, they will - you just need to ask when you place the order!

The person who posted that says she has tried to arrange for this when she booked the meal

yet I've organised large group meals in restaurants a dozen times and asked for this and either they flat out refuse when I ask upon booking, or they say yes and then just present us with one giant bill at the end.

angelfacecuti75 · 15/01/2019 02:17

I have been at a meal where I've 514 pounds 2 my name (i had a mainnand a drink and borrowed tge 14 quid as i knew my friend would have been upset with me if i didnt go. So i deliberately chose the cheapest thing on the menu and then they whacked a huge service charge on top. The friends of my friends bf made a huge fuss . OK maybe i shouldn't have gone in hindsight but i was young). So no, yanbu. Not everyone earns the same or wants to spend cash on other people's merriment , that they've often sweated blood and guts to earn.

angelfacecuti75 · 15/01/2019 02:22

Not 514 pounds just £14*

angelfacecuti75 · 15/01/2019 02:23

The*.
Now i just stay in and watch ghost programs. Oh how times change.

Teacher22 · 15/01/2019 06:15

I have noticed over the years that those who airily condemn fellow diners who want to pay largely for what they ate and drank without putting in huge subsidies fort the dining of others are the ones who exploit the system. Either by deliberate aim or thoughtlessness they eat steak and pay for peas.

I try not to eat out these days. The whole thing is a rip off. After the restaurant has fleeced you, the other diners then have a go. I would rather have people to dinner, serve top notch food and wine and pay for it all myself than have to feel bad about other people’s shabby behaviour.

Charlie97 · 15/01/2019 07:35

I have noticed over the years that those who airily condemn fellow diners who want to pay largely for what they ate and drank without putting in huge subsidies fort the dining of others are the ones who exploit the system. Either by deliberate aim or thoughtlessness they eat steak and pay for peas.

Not in my social circle!

Betterthanbrave · 15/01/2019 07:49

I love how everybody becomes a mathematician when the bill arrives. I think everyone should pay for themselves though, being family has no bearing on my budget.

straightjeans · 15/01/2019 08:16

I usually just split. But when someone piles on the drinks and extras because they know they can push the cost onto everyone else, my blood starts boiling.

TibetanMountains · 15/01/2019 08:38

The thing is, when people suggest splitting the bill I bet it is exceptionally rare that it is because they want other people to subsidise their meal. Unless there is a vast difference most people don't keep tabs on what other people are ordering, and how expensive it is, or who drinks the most wine. I certainly don't.

Its just an easy, non-embarrassing way of handling payment. If there is a really obvious discrepancy this is usually picked up by the group but it has to be obvious. If you are not comfortable with this, then the onus is really on you to speak up and say you only want to pay for what you had.

Suggesting a non-even split can also be a minefield - as you are drawing attention to what a person ordered and drank - like you were watching them. You could be accused of insinuating they are poorer than everyone else and this is a pity gesture. They may not want it flagged to the group that they did not drink any booze and so on. They may not want to feel 'other'.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/01/2019 08:50

I agree Tibetan but in the really obvious discrepancy scenario, I think the onus to speak up should be on the person who had more, not the person who had less.

laurG · 15/01/2019 08:54

Yabu unless someone ordered fillet steaks and champagne get over it! It’s your daughter!

TibetanMountains · 15/01/2019 09:02

And to be honest you daughter really had little choice in this scenario. In the absence of someone offering to pick up the entire tab (which often happens in this situation) then her alternative was to split the bill evenly or ask that everyone pay their own. If she chose the latter it would be very obvious that it was done to save you guys money. This would just look appalling all round. Seriously, your entirely family would have come out of it looking weird if she had done that. What she cost you in a few quid, she spared you in face and dignity.

TibetanMountains · 15/01/2019 09:06

I agree Tibetan but in the really obvious discrepancy scenario, I think the onus to speak up should be on the person who had more, not the person who had less.

completely agree - in the really obvious discrepancy then someone who had 'more' should speak up. I have often done this - you know in a really boozy dinner when someone has drank nothing at all, I would always say - 'such and such should not pay for the booze'. In my experience the group always agrees here. Common sense typically prevails.

IrmaFayLear · 15/01/2019 09:25

This thread has got me quite worked up because FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME this was a family situation - nay, an in law situation and therefore it is not a question of pesky steak-eating and wine-guzzling friends not paying their way.

It was a matter of a few drinks with DAUGHTER'S IN-LAWS and the potential to look mean and penny-pinching in front of them.

The fact that OP is ruminating on this several days later speaks volumes about her priorities and attitude towards money and family. Very dispiriting.

Santacruz123 · 15/01/2019 09:27

I agree that the person who had more should speak up

cushioncovers · 15/01/2019 09:38

Irma exactly!

SarahSissions · 15/01/2019 09:52

The question is did they realise they had more though? If they In-laws turned up and they already had a drink in hand then the natural thing to assume would be that they had started a tab. Beyond that I am not sure that I would keep track of who was drinking what?
I'm all for splitting the bill evenly. BUT, if you don't want to- then have the bottle to call it out there and then rather than festering on it for days after.

Br1256 · 15/01/2019 10:11

I went for a Turkish meal with a large group of friends ...suggested that we all order own starters and then we would have large platters of meat, fish and veg to share and split the bill. Then a group of about four decided to order their own main courses. When the food arrived they helped themselves to the platters and took their own, practically untouched, main courses home in doggy bags....

phoenixrosehere · 15/01/2019 10:24

I don't think yabu, however it is too late to worry about it now. For the future, just say something beforehand.

I know when hub and I eat out with our parents, hub and I usually pay because we only see them a few times a year so this whole rule about parents should pay for adult children (and their spouses) is a bit silly when said children can afford it. I can understand as a treat, but every time would be ridiculous. If it is multiple meals though, turns are usually taken.

I also wouldn't want someone to pay for my drinks if they're alcoholic so I think you did right by paying for your drinks while you waited and stopping there. You're not a mind reader so how are you going to know who is going to drink and who isn't. Just because no one says anything at these types of gatherings, I doubt they don't say something once in the privacy of their own home. When we go out in bigger groups like yours, we decide as a group if we split or just pay for our own meals whichever is fair because it all adds up fairly quickly with six people.

crimsonlake · 15/01/2019 10:31

As parent's it would have been a lovely gesture if you had offered to treat everyone, instead you are quibbling over several pounds for spending an enjoyable evening with family. You do not think you are being tight fisted but you clearly are.