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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS(9) shouldnt do what teacher said?

128 replies

bluebench · 12/01/2019 19:00

DS(9) does an after school dance club ran by another teacher. They were told a few weeks ago they could make up a routine to show at a special assembly which is now next Friday. 1 boy and 1 girl didn’t want to preform and seem to have stopped going at all now so it was just ds and 5 girls doing it. One girl was upset about this and said that it should just be a girl thing if the other boy didn't want to preform as it would look stupid with just one boy. She has complained to the dance teacher to the dance teacher every lesson about why ds shouldn't be able to do it and has tried to get the other girls to practice without him.

The dance teacher was unexpectedly off sick last week and will be up until after the assemberly, when she left DS was definitely doing the dance and if the other girl didn't drop it she was at risk of not. They've been allowed to practice in their classroom at lunch time and the girl has moved on to trying to convince their class teacher that DS shouldn't do it. She cried during the practice on Friday because the other girls wouldn't refuse to do it with DS which the teacher told her off for and then she cried again during afternoon lessons and the teacher had to take her outside.

DH and DS were called over after school and they were told he isn't going to be kicked out of the dance because as far as she's aware he hasn't done anything wrong but it would be 'very mature' and 'kind' if he had a think about letting the girls do the group dance on their own and then he can do a special solo instead. She also suggested that she knows he wouldn't want X to be upset and that the dance seems to be more important to her. I definitely appreciate that this isn't something the class teacher wants to be involved in, that she has enough to worry about and is probably just looking for the easiest way to resolve it but it seems really unfair on ds. He thinks he has to do what the teacher has pretty much told him he should do but is upset that the girl will think she's got what she wanted, that he cant do the dance hes been practising for with his other friends and only as a few days to make up a solo on his own.

AIBU to encourage DS to do the group dance if he wants and not suffer to make it easier the teacher and this girl?

OP posts:
lizzie1970a · 12/01/2019 22:16

I'd have to tell the teacher her advise is out of order and if your DS refuses he's the one that's going to be made to feel bad. She should never have put that on your son. If you don't get the teacher to see that I'd go to the HT.

Tell them this girl's problem with your son is not his concern and that he has a right to be in the dance as much as anyone else. If you facilitate this - what next will this girl do if she's not happy? She sounds spoiled and they're giving in to her! I can't believe it. Talk about indulging someone for no reason. Don't let it rest. If the girl isn't happy she should be the one to leave. She's bullying your son and trying to get the other girls to do it as well.

recklessruby · 12/01/2019 22:18

I m totally on your ds side here. He should do the dance as planned.
I don't teach primary but if this was to happen at our school the girl would be told firmly that she's either going to dance with the team as originally planned or drop out.
If she's pandered to at age 9 she's going to get a hell of a shock at secondary.
I think her parents should be told their dd s behaviour is in no way acceptable and she will not be performing unless it changes.
I would be ashamed to raise a child like that!

orangecushion · 13/01/2019 09:29

His self esteem may possibly be destroyed and he could possibly never dance again

What? Have you seen the news lately? Years of living in a refugee camp in Turkey might cause damage but not be able to do a 10 minute dance!!

What have be become?

Stefoscope · 13/01/2019 10:42

YANBU. It's the complaining girl's parents who need to be brought in and spoken to; their daughter's behaviour is totally unacceptable and (assuming she's also 9) is at an age where it needs nipping in the bud. The school need to be consistent. I can understand it's difficult if the dance teacher is off sick, but the subsititute teacher needs to give this girl a final warning and be prepared to follow through with the punishment. Be nice and no more acting out over your son being in the routine, otherwise she doesn't get to take part.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/01/2019 10:47

I have not rtft. Skimmed. I am shocked the teacher is trying to exclude DS over the little girls behaviour she should be told work as a team or do not dance.
I agree this could effect his self esteem in his world.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/01/2019 10:49

Perhaps the spoilt little madam should dance a solo as she's the only one who has a problem with your DS.

I would be speaking to both the teacher and the head teacher that your DS will not be bullied into not dancing with the rest of the group he has been practising with. And if X has an issue with and no one else in the group have problem with your son then perhaps X should be the one who doesn't do the dance.

Twillow · 13/01/2019 11:08

Would this be ok in reverse? Boy wanting the only girl to drop out of the sports team??
YANBU

Catmint · 13/01/2019 11:27

The confidence and self esteem that DS can gain from doing something so altruistic (as long as he does not see it as a defeat or let others think he has been defeated) will benefit him for years to come

But DS has no control over what other people think, and I think it's wrong on this occasion to make him responsible for the outcome. He is a small child on the wrong end of the power balance.

Far more important to call out the discrimination and contribute to setting ground rules for the future as that benefits everyone.

FishCanFly · 13/01/2019 13:46

The teacher should be asking what is exactly is HER problem? Somebody has to be an adult here

billybagpuss · 14/01/2019 14:19

Hope today goes well OP

Pk37 · 14/01/2019 14:27

I’d be demanding the cheeky little mare to be booted out, what is her problem?! She’s 9 not 3!
Unacceptable for the teacher to give in to this child

tablelegs · 14/01/2019 14:41

The girl is being a brat.

Hope your son stands his ground op.

Tjzmummabear · 14/01/2019 15:56

Is she New to teaching? The little girls behaviour is utterly manipulative. I'd pop in and see head.

Tjzmummabear · 14/01/2019 15:58

Ps it's gender discrimination and is illegal under the 2010 equality act

Tjzmummabear · 14/01/2019 16:00

Op I'm wondering why the other children left could she have bullied them?

Stompythedinosaur · 14/01/2019 16:04

I would be really unhappy with the teacher about this. She is going along with bullying at your ds' expense for a quiet life. I would definitely be going to see her, and I would ask her to consider that the bully be excluded from the dance rather than your ds.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 15/01/2019 16:45

Any update OP?

billybagpuss · 15/01/2019 16:50

Hope everything has gone well this week.

Kariana · 15/01/2019 16:50

@bluebench I hope you haven't allowed your ds to give up his place in the dance. I used to be a teacher of this age group and can honestly say I think this is disgusting behaviour from the teacher. Your ds should never have been put in this position and the other girl should have been told her behaviour was ridiculous and that she was no longer allowed to dance.

Tessabelle1 · 15/01/2019 16:56

Do NOT let that little bully get her way! Your poor son needs you to back him as you have been doing, if Queen bee doesn't like it SHE should leave the group dance

Samcro · 15/01/2019 17:01

i do hope the diva does not get her way. horrid way for the teacher to behave.

huuskymam · 15/01/2019 17:05

No sorry, this is just wrong. Why should the girl get her own way and your son be left out. The teacher should be calling the girls parents and telling her she'll need to leave if this type of behaviour keeps up.

drspouse · 15/01/2019 17:08

The girl should be removed from the group dance for her poor attitude and behaviour.
My thoughts exactly.

Jaxhog · 15/01/2019 17:26

Wow! Imagine if it was an activity that someone didn't want a girl to do. There would be universal outrage. And rightly so.

This girl is a bully who wants her own way. For your DS to withdraw is teaching him such a bad lesson i.e. that there are 'girls' activities and 'boys' activities. I can't help wonder if she has had some negative parental input? Whatever it is, she should be ousted not your DS.

Kahlua4me · 15/01/2019 17:27

I think the little girl and her parents should have been called in to talk about her behaviour and the plan for the dance, not your dh and ds.

The teacher is obviously taking the easy route out of the situation but is certainly not dealing with it properly.

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