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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS(9) shouldnt do what teacher said?

128 replies

bluebench · 12/01/2019 19:00

DS(9) does an after school dance club ran by another teacher. They were told a few weeks ago they could make up a routine to show at a special assembly which is now next Friday. 1 boy and 1 girl didn’t want to preform and seem to have stopped going at all now so it was just ds and 5 girls doing it. One girl was upset about this and said that it should just be a girl thing if the other boy didn't want to preform as it would look stupid with just one boy. She has complained to the dance teacher to the dance teacher every lesson about why ds shouldn't be able to do it and has tried to get the other girls to practice without him.

The dance teacher was unexpectedly off sick last week and will be up until after the assemberly, when she left DS was definitely doing the dance and if the other girl didn't drop it she was at risk of not. They've been allowed to practice in their classroom at lunch time and the girl has moved on to trying to convince their class teacher that DS shouldn't do it. She cried during the practice on Friday because the other girls wouldn't refuse to do it with DS which the teacher told her off for and then she cried again during afternoon lessons and the teacher had to take her outside.

DH and DS were called over after school and they were told he isn't going to be kicked out of the dance because as far as she's aware he hasn't done anything wrong but it would be 'very mature' and 'kind' if he had a think about letting the girls do the group dance on their own and then he can do a special solo instead. She also suggested that she knows he wouldn't want X to be upset and that the dance seems to be more important to her. I definitely appreciate that this isn't something the class teacher wants to be involved in, that she has enough to worry about and is probably just looking for the easiest way to resolve it but it seems really unfair on ds. He thinks he has to do what the teacher has pretty much told him he should do but is upset that the girl will think she's got what she wanted, that he cant do the dance hes been practising for with his other friends and only as a few days to make up a solo on his own.

AIBU to encourage DS to do the group dance if he wants and not suffer to make it easier the teacher and this girl?

OP posts:

Talkingfrog · 12/01/2019 19:27

I would speak to the teacher and explain that your son has been practicing, and does not have the time to create and practice a solo routine. Not should he have to. The other girl is being manipulative and dgoukd be told that your son us doing the dance. If she doesn't want to do it with him, she does not take part at all. She should not get the option of a solo dance either as that would be rewarding for her bad behaviour. Is she the reason the other boys pulled out?

GoldenBee · 12/01/2019 19:28

Should the teacher not be speaking to the bully's parent about their .... 'immature and unkind' DD? How silly to use the word mature in ref to 9yr olds ... pressuring him to grow up faster than he would if left to mature naturally.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/01/2019 19:28

I would be asking the teaching why they are supporting this girl’s behaviour to exclude your DS as this is a form of bullying and must surely be against school policy!

go with this from Veterinari

GoldenBee · 12/01/2019 19:28

Should the teacher not be speaking to the bully's parent about their .... 'immature and unkind' DD? As that is what she is saying you DS will be if he doesn't step aside. And how silly to use the word mature in ref to 9yr olds ... pressuring him to grow up faster than he would if left to mature naturally.

Sarahjconnor · 12/01/2019 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2019 19:29

I simply cannot understand how the girl in question has been allowed to get away with this. I would email the teacher and state that your ds wants to dance and if the child in question makes him unwelcome in any way she should be the one excluded.

I would also request that her parents were involved rather than the parents of the victim.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 12/01/2019 19:31

I would suggest to the teacher that she suggests to the crying girl that she could try and be "mature and kind" and to grow up and perform with the rest of the class. If she is the one kicking up, she should be the one who is left out.

dischargepaperwork · 12/01/2019 19:32

I wonder if there's something specific going on with the girl that makes her have this reaction to being with a boy.

At any rate, your boy should be able to do his thing. Absolutely!

billybagpuss · 12/01/2019 19:32

Good luck, this is awful and your DS absolutely should dance and I can not believe that the school is talking to you about it and not the little girls parents.

Returnofthesmileybar · 12/01/2019 19:34

I would be absolutely raging!!! No way would he not be dancing and I would be in to the principal to call that bullying little bitch madam out on her behaviour, she is purposely trying to exclude him and get others to do the same, nope, not on, she needs dealing with. The fact the teachers haven't stood up to her and told her if she mentions is again she is out of dance class is unbelievable

TicketyBoo83 · 12/01/2019 19:35

I would be asking the teacher why they are supporting this girl’s behaviour to exclude your DS as this is a form of bullying and must surely be against school policy!

^this! Except go to the headteacher and ask why the teacher is JOINING IN with the bully’s behaviour.

ChasedByBees · 12/01/2019 19:37

Absolutely no way should he stand aside here.

Shockers · 12/01/2019 19:39

@dischargepaperwork- I wondered that too, but it’s a mixed school, so she will be in close proximity to boys all day in class.

Cheby · 12/01/2019 19:41

100% he shouldn’t stand aside. And I would be strongly complaining to the teacher about their attempt at manipulating DS!

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 12/01/2019 19:45

Don't let the stropping little madam have her way, sounds like the other girls aren't siding with her either so God knows why the teacher is.

There are so few boys that get involved with dance at Primary he should be supported and applauded.

I really want him to do it! This is a good life lesson that sometimes others get it wrong and you have to stand up for yourself and you can show him you have his back to.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 12/01/2019 19:45

The girl should be removed from the group dance for her poor attitude and behaviour.

Tell your son to stand his ground and formally complain about the teacher's request. Unacceptable, and reenforcing bullying, frankly.

orangecushion · 12/01/2019 19:48

Unbelievable. Isn't the teacher supposed to be dealing with 30- plus kids, the curriculum, the targets , the meetings ......on and on it goes.

If you think this is serious God help you.

IamAporcupine · 12/01/2019 19:51

@orangecushion - of course it is.
Discrimination/bullying of any kind is serious

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/01/2019 19:56

I wonder if Mummy.and Daddy are giving her back handers.

ShalomJackie · 12/01/2019 19:58

The dance teacher will also no doubt be cross when she finds out. My Ds was the only boy in his dance class when he was younger and the dance schools proactively want to encourage boys into dance. It is outrageous for all the reasons already outlined.

Please do take it up with the school.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 12/01/2019 19:58

First, let me preface this by saying that this situation really sucks. I feel really bad for your son and I think he is being unfairly singled out by this manipulative little girl and it is completely unfair. He has every right to partake in the group dance as the rest of the group.

However, I would approach this situation as a teaching moment and have him do the solo instead. Why? Because it shows that your son is the bigger person. I also would encourage him to outshine the little girl in performing the best solo dance possible. If it possible, invite as many people a possible to cheer and applaud your son during his routine. Pile praise on him for his hard work and diligence and for being the bigger person. Make him understand that his choice is making him the pacesetter to lead his peers by example, and hopefully making the little girl think twice about her actions. It could be a teaching lesson for both children and their parents.

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment - Lao Tzu

Good luck!

WinnieFosterTether · 12/01/2019 19:59

Agree with PPs. Your DS should do the group dance and if the girl has an issue then she should drop out.
Are there any extenuating circumstances that would explain the girl's behaviour and the teacher's collusion in it? In our school when bullies are being placated in this way, it's usually obvious why the school's allegiance is falling outwith what would be expected.

Birdsgottafly · 12/01/2019 19:59

If it was a laughing matter I'd say to get your DS to say he's sorted it, he's decided he's a girl for the next two weeks and refuses to have a gender label put on him.

He should and you, absolutely stand his ground.

Would the school support this ostracisation if it was for any other reason than the sex of your child?

Birdsgottafly · 12/01/2019 20:01

MissLanesAmericanCousin, the problem with that is that there's the rest of the team that want to perform with the OP's Son, why do they have to get caught up in this and be disappointed?

Shockers · 12/01/2019 20:04

Perhaps he should do the group dance and a solo!

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