To think DS(9) shouldnt do what teacher said?

[bluebench]

DS(9) does an after school dance club ran by another teacher. They were told a few weeks ago they could make up a routine to show at a special assembly which is now next Friday. 1 boy and 1 girl didn’t want to preform and seem to have stopped going at all now so it was just ds and 5 girls doing it. One girl was upset about this and said that it should just be a girl thing if the other boy didn't want to preform as it would look stupid with just one boy. She has complained to the dance teacher to the dance teacher every lesson about why ds shouldn't be able to do it and has tried to get the other girls to practice without him.

The dance teacher was unexpectedly off sick last week and will be up until after the assemberly, when she left DS was definitely doing the dance and if the other girl didn't drop it she was at risk of not. They've been allowed to practice in their classroom at lunch time and the girl has moved on to trying to convince their class teacher that DS shouldn't do it. She cried during the practice on Friday because the other girls wouldn't refuse to do it with DS which the teacher told her off for and then she cried again during afternoon lessons and the teacher had to take her outside.

DH and DS were called over after school and they were told he isn't going to be kicked out of the dance because as far as she's aware he hasn't done anything wrong but it would be 'very mature' and 'kind' if he had a think about letting the girls do the group dance on their own and then he can do a special solo instead. She also suggested that she knows he wouldn't want X to be upset and that the dance seems to be more important to her. I definitely appreciate that this isn't something the class teacher wants to be involved in, that she has enough to worry about and is probably just looking for the easiest way to resolve it but it seems really unfair on ds. He thinks he has to do what the teacher has pretty much told him he should do but is upset that the girl will think she's got what she wanted, that he cant do the dance hes been practising for with his other friends and only as a few days to make up a solo on his own.

AIBU to encourage DS to do the group dance if he wants and not suffer to make it easier the teacher and this girl?

The confidence and self esteem that DS can gain from doing something so altruistic (as long as he does not see it as a defeat or let others think he has been defeated) will benefit him for years to come.

he and you might just about be able to see this, however the little cow who doesnt want a boy in her routine, and the wider audience of the school and class, who have seen her performance, wont be privvy or deep thinking enough to understand the higher ground. They will see that she got her way and he was pushed out for being a boy.

He should be allowed to dance. Maybe he doesnt want to dance on his own in front of everyone, in a routine made up in a few days. And why should he?

That's sexual discrimination. Make sure your ds stands up for himself and does the dance.
The teacher is very wrong in this situation. It shouldn't be a case of anything for a quiet life.

MissLanes, how much of a choice is it if he has already been told that one choice is the "kind" and "mature" one (and consequently the other is unkind and immature)?

How can it be "objective" and "fair" to give him a "choice" of taking part in something he has been working hard towards when all the others will be taking part as a matter of course?

How "free" will he feel when it's his teacher putting him in this position?

And how "free" will everybody else in the group feel next time somebody tries to exclude somebody?

Of course he should do the dance. Little miss selfishpants should be booted of the team. You need to have words with the teacher about trying to manipulate your son into not doing it!

YANBU. He should be able to do the group one! And the girl needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she doesn't get to pick and choose. It's not her gang

I think it's really important for all the children that your ds isn't ade to back down here.

Madam may have been taught by her parents that boys are different and some things are just for girls/it's "weird" for a boy to do dance with girls. You don't know where she is getting her assumptions from. It's an opportunity for school to fulfil one of its most important functions, teaching kids that sexism is wrong, shining a light on inappropriate prejudices and challenging them, modelling fair and decent behaviour.

I wouldn't call the teacher lazy, she's probably doing the work of two people and has 100 problems to sort out, and just wanted this one to go away without a showdown. I think she's in the wrong though, and I would be standing up for my DS here.

Miss Lanes - having fun a performing arts school for kids for many yearswith a daughter who is training to be a professional dancer, a son who loves singing and dancing and a husband who teaches a related discipline in higher education I can hand on heart say that his rubbish.

His self esteem may possibly be destroyed and he could possibly never dance again. He’s only 9 and being sent the biggest boys don’t dance message ever. I’ve seen much older students destroyed by similar attitudes from their peers.

corythatwas, those are all good and valid points. The fact that the teacher has not given him a choice whether to partake in the group or do a solo, is not what I would have done. It has been said, so there's no changing that. However, the son has a choice on how to react to it. I'm not saying that he in no way should partake in the group as an act of standing up to a bully (which I think she is, and a nasty one), I am only saying that there could be another solution. I have ASD and have dealt with bullies all of my life. Sometimes I fought with my fists and other times I didn't and chose to rise above the injustice in a different way. I have taken both paths. Both can be appropriate. Each challenge can be met with a unique solution that fits. I am just giving an alternative solution, that is all. I do want you to be aware of something though- finding creative solutions whether it be defiance in the form of using my fists and defending myself or winning a spelling bee or creative writing contest, has served me well in school and in life. I am not saying he should stand down, on the contrary, I am saying he should be given alternative solutions to the challenge that he now faces. If he wants to shine in the solo dance he should be encouraged to, likewise if he chooses to shine in the group dance. Children are extremely smart and they should be given options where they feel that their future is theirs to control. Thank you for the civil discourse.

MissLanes, how would you feel if your boss called you in one day and said: "MissLanes, you have done outstanding work on this project and clearly deserve a promotion, but your colleague who is also in line for promotion is very anxious that you shouldn't get one, and as she burst into tears, I think it is only fair to offer you the chance to do the kind and mature thing here and refuse promotion"?

Would you feel that was fair? Would you feel you had been given a free choice? Would you feel your colleague should be given that amount of power just because she could make herself unpleasant?

What those children learn now is what they will be taking out into the workplace.

Believe me, he won’t shine in the solo dance. Not unless he is very experienced and has access to a good teacher to help him with choreography and cleaning. And even then the timescale is short.

More likely he’d be laughed at.

The confidence and self esteem that DS can gain from doing something so altruistic (as long as he does not see it as a defeat or let others think he has been defeated) will benefit him for years to come

What utter shite

This is unacceptable OP can't believe the teacher thinks this is a good idea. Totally get it must be a nightmare situation but he shouldn't be singled out because he's a boy and some little madam doesn't like it!
My DS used to be the only boy in the school choir. Yes he got more solos and different lines other parents commented he was the only boy sorry not my problem. He now plays football every waking moment so the girls got their glory back!? 🤔

corythatwas, Like I stated before each challenge that we face as human beings, whether we are 9 or 39, should be met with the best possible solution. I do not think you are presenting the same challenge, I think you are trying to set me up for failure in this argument. The argument you using is whataboutism designed to discredit me. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fall into that trap.

I politely decline to continue this discussion. You can take that as a victory or a defeat, it matters not to me. So, I am leaving this discussion.

As for the Op, I can't imagine how difficult a situation this is for you and your son. You seem like a very caring and hands on parent and I have full confidence that you will do what is right for you and your son. Break a leg on the performance. I know that whatever the performance he dances in, he will shine bright

Believe me, he won’t shine in the solo dance. Not unless he is very experienced and has access to a good teacher to help him with choreography and cleaning. And even then the timescale is short

More likely he’d be laughed at

Fgs it's an assembly not Chicago

Parents go to see their child show what they have been working on and see all involved participate. No one cares about how it "looks" or expect perfect moves etc if we wanted that we'd buy a ticket to a West end show.

This is a mixed class, he has every right to be there and provided he hasn't done anything to the girl in question ( which I'm sure would have been raised with parents way befire this point) there is no reason why he cabt dance with every body else.

If something happened to this girl to bring this on I am.incredibly sorry for her. But this is a mixed class. He's not pretending to be a girl. He's not crossing any boundries. He's showing up and dancing which he has every right to do.

Who cares if it looks "odd"

Personally i think.its a real shame that more boys don't do dance and stuff. Its an awful stereotype and imo nore should he done to encourage boys to take it up.

Fgs it's an assembly not Chicago

And 9 year old kids can be very cruel especially if the attitude this girl has is allowed to prevail.

I had assumed it was an assembly to the rest of the school not a performance to parents?

He has practised and should be allowed to perform in the group dance.

Sexism and bullying. Very ugly. If this is a true representation of that little girl then she has real issues.

Yeah.
No.
The GIRL is bullying.
there is no way in the world that your DS should be told not to perform (nor give way to her) because someone else doesn't want him to.

It's beyond rude and any teacher enabling this should be hauled over the coals for it.
The teacher is basically saying a bully should be allowed to bully.

I think the very suggestion that your DS should stand down so this little girl can have her own way would be a very bad decision.
What happens in future performances - is your son always going to be excluded because he is a boy ?
if this girl thinks she can bung on the waterworks to get her own way, next time she will take against a child who 'isn;t good enough at dancing' or 'who hasn;t got long hair' or whatever spurious reason she comes up with for running the show.

If this child doesn't like your child being in the group, she can leave and those should be the only options available to her - suck it up or get out.

My Ds was the only boy in a group of dancers (about ten in the group) and the girls were all lovely and there was never any nastiness because he was a boy. And sounds like the other little girls in your son's group are perfectly happy too.

Your poor DS. It would not be mature or kind, it would be letting a bully have her own way, and I can’t believe the teacher doesn’t see that.
OP I would contact this teacher, explain that this dance is also important to your DS, and ask why she thinks his feelings are less important than the girl’s feelings on the matter.

No YANBU at all . Turn this situation around - what if a boy was pressurising a girl to withdraw from an activity where she was the only girl ? And the teacher , instead of telling the boy to accept the situation or bugger off , was supporting him ?-
Rightly , this would be seen as absolutely unacceptable
The little madam in question should be told to accept your lad as part of the group or leave

^^ exactly this

It's is not mature or kind to be a victim of bullying. The other girl should be told it's mature to do a solo if she doesn't like the group and kind to include everyone

Of course your DS should dance, what's "gracious" about accepting sexism and bullying?! Please please complaints the teacher OP, your DS needs to know that you have his back

No way should he step aside.If a girl was being bullied out of an activity by a group of boys would we advise her to be the bigger person and step down so as not to upset them?
If the girl doesn't want to dance with DS the blatantly obvious solution is that she may choose to leave the group,and not dance.
She is throwing a massive ongoing temper tantrum to get her own way and it is completely unacceptable if the school let her get away with it.