To think DS(9) shouldnt do what teacher said?

[bluebench]

DS(9) does an after school dance club ran by another teacher. They were told a few weeks ago they could make up a routine to show at a special assembly which is now next Friday. 1 boy and 1 girl didn’t want to preform and seem to have stopped going at all now so it was just ds and 5 girls doing it. One girl was upset about this and said that it should just be a girl thing if the other boy didn't want to preform as it would look stupid with just one boy. She has complained to the dance teacher to the dance teacher every lesson about why ds shouldn't be able to do it and has tried to get the other girls to practice without him.

The dance teacher was unexpectedly off sick last week and will be up until after the assemberly, when she left DS was definitely doing the dance and if the other girl didn't drop it she was at risk of not. They've been allowed to practice in their classroom at lunch time and the girl has moved on to trying to convince their class teacher that DS shouldn't do it. She cried during the practice on Friday because the other girls wouldn't refuse to do it with DS which the teacher told her off for and then she cried again during afternoon lessons and the teacher had to take her outside.

DH and DS were called over after school and they were told he isn't going to be kicked out of the dance because as far as she's aware he hasn't done anything wrong but it would be 'very mature' and 'kind' if he had a think about letting the girls do the group dance on their own and then he can do a special solo instead. She also suggested that she knows he wouldn't want X to be upset and that the dance seems to be more important to her. I definitely appreciate that this isn't something the class teacher wants to be involved in, that she has enough to worry about and is probably just looking for the easiest way to resolve it but it seems really unfair on ds. He thinks he has to do what the teacher has pretty much told him he should do but is upset that the girl will think she's got what she wanted, that he cant do the dance hes been practising for with his other friends and only as a few days to make up a solo on his own.

AIBU to encourage DS to do the group dance if he wants and not suffer to make it easier the teacher and this girl?

The teacher probably also thinks dance is for girls at some level. Totally unacceptable. In fact is would not be kind to this girl for this behaviour to work because she will learn to roll out this behaviour again to get people to comply with her stereotypes and demands.

DD dances and a single male dancer in a group of girls is well liked. It balances great and adds something different.

Teach your son that other peoples feelings do not trump his. He’s worked hard for this and the girl needs to learn the world doesn’t revolve around her.

Why doesn't the spoilt little girl do the 'special solo' and leave your son to perform with the other 4 girls ?! This is out of order and sets a precident ..

Birdsgottafly, that is a very good point. However, I think if this situation is approached carefully, and the DS states that he is going to be the bigger person by stepping back, then the other girls will most likely be impressed with his graciousness and maturity. I think this is a teaching moment for the other girls too, as they can see someone that they want to emulate. As long as he's not boastful about it, then I think he can inspire his peers and the parents around him. The confidence and self esteem that DS can gain from doing something so altruistic (as long as he does not see it as a defeat or let others think he has been defeated) will benefit him for years to come.

The confidence and self esteem that DS can gain from doing something so altruistic (as long as he does not see it as a defeat or let others think he has been defeated) will benefit him for years to come.

That's all very well but who is going to teach him a new dance to do as a solo in a few days? This sounds like setting him up for feeling excluded and like a failure.

No way. Your son is being bullied and bully girl needs to be removed, no solo for her, but no performance at all for bad behaviour

Absolutely disgraceful. The girl should be told to stop her bullying immediately, and be removed from the dance because of her behaviour.

I had a boy in my class last year that absolutely refused to work with girls (even female aide's). If he sulked about having to be in a group that contained any girls, he was made to do the whole task on his own.

Your ds should do the group dance routine, it is the girls parents that the teacher should be talking too not you/your dh.
I cannot believe that the teacher would even ask your son to do this.

I hope your ds enjoys his dance routine.

Sounds like a crying, tantruming little girl hasn't yet realized that her days of getting her way with tears are coming to a close.

Your DS doesn't have to be one of her enablers.

Goldmandra, I see your point. That is why it is imperative that DS parents are assured that he can. His parents should gauge his response to this solution, if it sounds like something he is excited about and can excel at, then I would encourage it. If not, then another solution must be found.

As a side note, I am a very good dancer and have participated in dance contests in the past. I had a natural affinity for it, ever since I was a toddler. It is possible that DS has a natural ability as well, and will see this solution as an exciting challenge and not an obstacle that cannot be overcome.

Well done the other girls for not supporting her. Agree the teacher doesn't want to get involved and probably thought it might be the easiest solution. If you now go in and explain how unfair and discriminatory it is I'm sure she will back you up. Suggest the girl does the solo dance and the rest carry on with the group dance,

What a diva.

Your son should definitely do it.

He should 100% not step aside! I would ask the teacher why she wants to assist this girl in bullying your ds. The girl should be removed from the performance.

My ds is usually the only boy in his dance group. I would be furious if this happened. It's just teaching him he's not welcome in the dance world.

complain to the teacher of course he should dance

I would be very worried by what you would be teaching your ds, and all the other children, if you convinced him that stepping aside in the face of discrimination is in any way a kind thing. It isn't kind. As well as making him unhappy, it sends a message to the rest of the group that they must never hold their ground against a bully. It tells the little girl she can carry on as she is- is that likely to make her a happier person?

What about next time when madam picks on the little black girl instead? What will the impact be then if the whole class have already been taught that altruism means accepting that the bully gets their way and the person who looks different has to be "kind" and not inflict themselves on other people?

There's a big lesson for both children in this, whether it's ok to discriminate against someone based on their sex. And if you think about it, long term, the girl is the one who will benefit from having it drummed into her that sex discrimination is not on.

It's discrimination based on gender which is illegal.

Some men are upset at women being allowed on ships. No one would suggest that a woman should be a gracious "bigger person" and not get on a ferry because of it.

I would email, say from your point of view, this looks like your son is being bullied on the grounds of his sex, and rather than telling the girl who is trying to exclude your son that her behaviour is unacceptable, the school is asking him to do what the bully wants.

Ask if it was a case of one girl on the football team and the other boys asking her to be removed as they wanted an all boy team, would the school go along with it? This is clear sexism of viewing dance as a girls hobby, and you are so disappointed the school appears to agree.

State that if any child is going to miss out on performing due to bullying, should it not be the bully?

Its a dance at school that really doesn't matter, but the lesson about how you respond to a bully and sexism does matter.

That girl should be told she's not allowed to perform because of her behaviour.

The confidence and self esteem that DS can gain from doing something so altruistic (as long as he does not see it as a defeat or let others think he has been defeated) will benefit him for years to come

Sorry but I think that is bullshit! He far more likely to gain confidence by standing up for himself and not letting that girl wear him down. He self esteem will be better if he continues to believe that dance is equally for boys and girls and that he can dance with whoever he wants.

Trying to dress this up as an 'altruistic' action is ridiculous! The majority of people in the group want him to perform, the other pupils in the school will benefit from seeing a mixed boy girl dance, no doubt other pupils and teachers will be glad the girl doesn't get her own way - it seems to me as if greater happiness results from him doing the dance.

FrancisCrawford I respect your decision to disagree with me. We will agree to disagree then? I cannot stress enough how important it is to give the son a choice on how to handle this situation, only if both solutions are offered objectively and fairly, and he is then free to choose which one suits him best. Thank you for your response. I appreciate all civil discourse.

The girl should be kicked out of the group on the basis she is not a team player, is sexist and needs to learn not to be so manipulative.

Oh and getting him to dance alone is not on either. Its a mixed group, segregating him (good word to use) due to his sex is not addressing the problem of the other child's sexism being pandered to and the idea that boys can't be part of the same dance troop as girls.

It is highlighting his difference.

I’m a teacher. I’m appalled at the teacher thinking it was an appropriate suggestion. Not good for DS, even worse for the girl to feel her campaign of manipulative behaviour has been validated by a weak appeaser of a teacher. I’d complain.