To think that lots of men think this way

[Flynnshine]

Recently a good friend of my partners has split from his wife of 15 years, they have two young children between 10 and 13.
The husband has decided he isn't happy and wants to end the relationship.

Last week he came over to our house in the evening and I left him and my husband chatting in the living room. I wasn't eavesdropping but I was only in the next room so could hear their conversation. Basically the husband has been planning this split for a while, 6 months before he announced he wanted to end things he sold their beautiful big house and they moved into their much smaller starter home which they had out on rent - they moved the kids out of their private school education and into a state school local to their new home.

They've always had a very comfortable life, beautiful house, nice cars and very fancy holidays a few times a year. They both had good jobs when they first met but when the children came along the wife stopped work and dedicated her life to them. They've done amazingly well at school, both top of their classes, sporty and do two sports for their local borough. They are polite and thoughtful and genuinely lovely children.

The conversation I overheard was the husband complaining that even though the wife hasn't paid towards the mortgage for over 10 years she will still be entitled to half of what the house is worth - he seemed bitter and angry and said he'd been hiding money for ages so she wouldn't get anything when they divorce. He's even planning on quitting his job and becoming self employed so he can fudge his earnings so his maintenance payments could be less. My husband was agreeing with him, I don't know if just to placate him or if that's really how he feels!

This man honestly thinks that because he has been working and paying a mortgage that his worth is so much more. He thinks he has enabled her to not work for over 10 years and that she has been having a jolly all that time. It's like he gives zero shits that he has two wonderful children that he has never had to lift a finger for and she has given her all to those children while he reaps the rewards of that.

Do all men deep down think like this, even if they won't openly admit it? Is money really the be all and end all of everything!?

Not all men do I guess, but the one I married definitely is trying to push me into poverty while he lives the high-life now we're divorcing.

That sounds ideal PregnantSea.

No not all men think like this, how could you even think such a thing.
There are many devious scheming women out there who divorce there husbands knowing that they will get to keep the children, house, contents as well as been rewarded with maintenance via Cas.
My brother lost his house that he had paid for to his ex, and was ALLOWED to see his children every other weekend because his ex was jealous of his relationship with his children.
The bitch was allowed to get away with this due to the misandric system we have in this country, i.e. the man hating feminist sisterhood always saying it's the mans fault, very much as we see on this site.
Have you seen the story recently of the women who had three children by another man, then convinced her husband they were his, and he then had to pay maintenance for them on their divorce, just how low can you get.
No not all men are bad, and not all women are good.

@Yabbers yes and I apologise my post was written in haste. Working parents do bring up their children. I was looking at my friends situation and the hours her husband works - he most definitely is not bringing up their children.

@ Hubanmao what about the fact that she is a stay at home mother meant no childcare costs? no cleaning costs ( may have had to employ if wife works to assist) would be interesting to know if he ever lifted a figure with all the household tasks? I have never been a stay at home mother but admire those that do, they work damn hard to make sure everything is done, often on their own as they are at home. That has to count for something

OP I would be telling her about the conversation so she is prepared and canstart lookin* for all his hidden money

Please tell the wife what he is doing...I know a couple where the husband has acted in a similar way and hidden money, when it was proved in court the judge awarded EVERYTHING to the wife! Hiding money is illegal in this situation.

This man is a cuntflap

@TheBigBangRocks thanks for replying :)

How would I be blocked from going home to my family? I haven't heard of this, sounds terrifying. I moved to western country and I still have a British passport. All of my future children would also have a British passport. When I applied for my visa here I was told that even if I eventually became a citizen of my new country I would always be a citizen of Britain? As in, I will always be allowed to live in Britain if I choose.

I think I'm still employable, I had a good job back in the UK and I'm currently doing a physics degree which will open a lot of doors for jobs, so hopefully I would be able to find something if things went south.

Is it really so frowned upon for women to take time out to raise kids that it would make you unemployable? What a shame. Life is such a bitch!

Well anyway, I'm pregnant now and I really don't want to hand my baby over to someone else every day and then go to work. I'm not saying that no one should and I respect other people's choices, but considering I was already studying for a complete career change and we don't need the money it seems really strange to just take a job I don't even want and miss out on all that time I'd planned to have with my baby.

LIFE GETS TRICKY WHEN YOU HAVE BABIES. This is what I've learned so far lol.

@PregnantSea it sounds great that you are doing your course.
I am of the opinion my DS is only little for such a short time and I don't want to miss any of it. I would prefer to cherish my time with him now and if I choose to, I can always get a job/consultancy work that fits around him once he is at school and a bit older. Personally no amount of money would coax me back to my career, but you have to do what you think is right for you and you're family.
If your hubby ends up being one of the lovely ones and you have gone back to work and missed out on that time at home with your kids would you regret it?
Or would you regret it more having to go out and struggle if he does end up being horrible but you have had them years ?

Its great to have a stay at home mum. Many working mums can be so uninvolved. Much neglect and abuse in childcare centres. Young children need to develop meaningful relationships with their parents. Staying at home all day would be annoying though. You can still work from home though. You can open a business or do something that doesn't have a financial return but helps you grow as a person. men looked after their spouses for a lot of history. these days women must have baby, raise and work. its not easy. maternity leave is 6months to a year. a baby needs you for at least 3 years. after 3 years off work, you become very unemployable... its hard sometimes

If I heard my husband agreeing with that attitude I’d have gone mental. Doesn’t he repulse you now?

@Vicky1990 yes that was an absolutely horrific story, one which I hope is not commonplace! He may have gone his whole life not knowing those kids were not his. Heartbreaking for him.

Yes women can be just as nasty (as I've seen in a few short hours today!) but I'm still shocked that despite what my friends husband is doing and has been doing women on here are focusing more on the fact that she hasn't been out working and instead being a mother and housekeeper so he could go out and work. Given the choice between the two I'd bet he would choose work every time!

He's not welcome in my home anymore. I've told my husband if he doesn't agree with what he's done he needs to have the bollocks to tell him, instead of nodding along and enabling this behaviour.

DH is a lawyer (not family or divorce) and has had clients ask his advice about hiding assets from wives.
He is disgusted by this and it vastly lessens his respect for the individuals concerned.

So no, not every man.

I think a lot of BITTER men think this way. At one point when most couples get married there will have been a lot of love and effort put into things, and stuff like this wouldn't even be a moment's thought. I say most because we know marriages aren't always rosy and lovely things.

If things sour then it's when folks start seeing things differently, financially, and with a scrutinising eye, because they're not thinking as part of a unit anymore, they're thinking about what they've contributed personally, and less about the dynamics of a couple in a marriage. Blame is thrown about all over the place, and everything goes to shit. Some of the men who feel like this will be entirely justified in those feelings, but others will not. Men have this horrible habit of forgetting about all the work women put in, physical, emotional and psychological labour, amongst a ton of other things, and those things are priceless but most of the time they're not even recognised, so when divorces happen they don't even consider the value of those things.

It's also pretty easy as someone outside the situation to listen to someone talking about all of that, and see their point of view because they're listing to only one perspective, and it's especially likely that they will take their side or agree, if they're a friend. This doesn't excuse anything.

Women's work is not valued very much in our society so it isn't surprising that many would think that way.

Then who are some who are fine with their OH working as log as it doesn't inconvenience them in any way. They get part time hours and based around school hours while the main earner does as they've always done. Get up and out the door without a care about what goes on at home because the OH is taking care of it all.

Then there are some men who can't deal with a woman making more.

@pissedonatrain well for starters it shouldn't be labelled as "women's work"

I think there are a lot of couples that don't see each other as equals.... this is where the problems start.

Thanks so much to everyone who just replied to my question, I'm new to this board and it is so wonderful to hear advice from women who are more experienced than me.

Not all -men- women do I guess, but the one I married definitely is trying to push me into poverty while -he- she lives the -high-life- ??? now we're -divorcing- divorced.
I am disappointed but not bitter.

Are you friends with both of these people?

Sounds like he's trying to get you to pick sides. I'd make it clear how you feel one way or another. I wouldn't want a friend who is willing to treat his family this way. Effectively he's trying to avoid paying for his children.

I'd feel disappointed in DH that he just sat there in agreement.

Strike through fails!

she hasn't been out working and instead being a mother and housekeeper so he could go out and work.

You keep twisting the facts. She was not doing it so he could go out to work. She was doing it because she wanted to and him going out to work made that possible.

I hope you have told her

Embarrassed as I am I had to explain this to my husband early on in our relationship. His parents had a dysfunctional relationship and he hadn’t bothered to think it through himself. I was shocked that I had to explain something so blindingly obvious as the worth of my contribution to the household (and to him) or the cost of the sacrifices I made to benefit our family. Glad we realised his faulty thinking. Otherwise there could have been years of resentment building up.

Children that they both wanted that they both agreed on. She saw no point in having children to pay someone else to bring them up while she worked. They are their children, she wanted them to be influenced by them (her!) not someone they are paying!

ODFOD with that kind of attitude.

Best not send them to school then either, I mean how dare anyone else ever influence your precious DC

Sadly, I think a lot of men (and women) have this attitude. Dh has had a number of fall outs with friends when this kind of comment is casually made in all male environments and he questions it. There was the stag do where they all agreed they wouldn't hire a woman of childbearing age... that one got pretty nasty and has had a long term impact on his friendship with 2 men. Then there was the man who had convinced his wife to move cities, requiring a majo4r career shift for her, 4then countries, requiring her to give up work completely, but then in divorce was horrified 4that she wanted to get the house as he "had paid for it". Again, dh was the lone voice pointing out that she had given up a LOT, the others (all with sahm wives....) thought the man was seriously hard done by.