To think that lots of men think this way

[Flynnshine]

Recently a good friend of my partners has split from his wife of 15 years, they have two young children between 10 and 13.
The husband has decided he isn't happy and wants to end the relationship.

Last week he came over to our house in the evening and I left him and my husband chatting in the living room. I wasn't eavesdropping but I was only in the next room so could hear their conversation. Basically the husband has been planning this split for a while, 6 months before he announced he wanted to end things he sold their beautiful big house and they moved into their much smaller starter home which they had out on rent - they moved the kids out of their private school education and into a state school local to their new home.

They've always had a very comfortable life, beautiful house, nice cars and very fancy holidays a few times a year. They both had good jobs when they first met but when the children came along the wife stopped work and dedicated her life to them. They've done amazingly well at school, both top of their classes, sporty and do two sports for their local borough. They are polite and thoughtful and genuinely lovely children.

The conversation I overheard was the husband complaining that even though the wife hasn't paid towards the mortgage for over 10 years she will still be entitled to half of what the house is worth - he seemed bitter and angry and said he'd been hiding money for ages so she wouldn't get anything when they divorce. He's even planning on quitting his job and becoming self employed so he can fudge his earnings so his maintenance payments could be less. My husband was agreeing with him, I don't know if just to placate him or if that's really how he feels!

This man honestly thinks that because he has been working and paying a mortgage that his worth is so much more. He thinks he has enabled her to not work for over 10 years and that she has been having a jolly all that time. It's like he gives zero shits that he has two wonderful children that he has never had to lift a finger for and she has given her all to those children while he reaps the rewards of that.

Do all men deep down think like this, even if they won't openly admit it? Is money really the be all and end all of everything!?

I haven't known of a man yet who has openly declared he will be doing fuckall around the home before doing exactly fuck all! Its done by stealth, accusing women of nagging, or shutting them down if they're unhappy with it. Before that they are shining examples of modern caring sharing men...pfft!

@whatsupapp that wasn't really the question, the question was how do you make it fair. If there isn't sufficient childcare where you live then obviously it makes sense for the person with the highest paying job to remain in work, but that's not really about what's fair in a couple. When looking for work remember your DH can also look into flexible working. I hope you manage to find work and childcare soon, don't ever feel like your job is of less importance because it pays less.

Its all very straightforward BC, but even then who's taking the lions share of responsibility for running the home?

IME SOME men do think like this once they walk away from their family. I’ve seen it first hand and with friends.

They change from men who want to provide for their family into men who begrudge parting with a penny for their DC.

Hubanmao
Or Life!
Redundancy! etc etc

UserMe18

But what if you've bills to pay?

@Smotheroffive I guess the key is to watch your partner before you live/marry them, ensure they are capable of looking after themselves, there's no need for years to pass, it should be quite evident if someone is capable or lazy, and don't pick up the slack if they get lazy. No reason for years to have passed to get to that stage, lazy people will show their true colours soon enough, the issue no doubt as well will be women letting their partners get away with it for a number of years before breaking point and realising how much more difficult it is when children are in the picture.

I knew my DH would be no issue as he'd been doing all his own washing etc since he was a teenager.

I think sadly the asset hiding happened a lot in the past - it's good to hear that the courts are wiser to it now.

How did he explain the sale of the house and the move away from private school? Presumably she had to agree to this, or was she not on the mortgage?

@whatsupapp what do you mean? I assume we all have bills?

this thread seems to be more geared towards women in careers rather than women with jobs.

Childminding whatsupapp? Seems like there's a shortage in your area.
My auntie did it fir a few years when her kids were young and her husband was working oversees so most jobs were difficult for her to manage.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr

Yes that's what I'm afraid of. My dad was like this. All 5 of us kids, forgotten about in a heartbeat! My mum and I don't get on, but I still give her loads of leeway because of this! (she actively doesn't like me etc)

@HelenaDove what difference does that make? If we're discussing creating financial security and both partners chipping in at home I'm not sure what difference there needs to be if the woman is working in a career or "job".

It doesnt But a lot of posters are talking about women missing out on promotions. And in some minimum wage jobs there is no possibility of this at all.

UserMe18

Because the job /career doesn't cover the childcare!
When you're making ends meet every penny counts! No job will give a man flexi time/part time etc to allow a woman to stay in work!

@HelenaDove whose to say what a minimum wage job could turn into? I know many women who started off as shop assistants, library assistants, one worked in Greggs- many go on to be supervisors, store managers etc. And men as well of course.

Having done your own washing since a teen is absolutely no guarantee I guarantee you!!

No, its very alive and active today 'asset-hiding' and yes atemythamster turning from one to other, and resenting paying for the lifestyle their DC have grown up with.

UserMe18

It's all very well to say. lets both work! But when working is more than not working???

I mean not working more than working

What strikes me is how very cold and calculating, no empathy or consideration for the effect on their own dc

And i know that some will say that a miniumum wage job is a stepping stone and the woman can always study and aim for a higher waged job Which is true but how many on here would be supportive of their childminder or cleaner taking up an amazing career oppertunity if it meant she had to take up that oppertunity straight way and not work her notice.

@whatsupapp what an utterly ridiculous thing to say, look at employment legislation, times have changed, my husband can take flexible working, we don't need him to but a colleague of his does the school pick up a couple of days a week (while his wife works in a supermarket actually!!)

If you pooled your wages together I am sure you could afford childcare! Stop seeing it as what your wages have to cover. You need to look at the bigger picture.

I would be terrified of marrying and having kids) to find they do this. And left with what kids? Bills, mortgage and husband gone. Too much of a risk.

@Smotheroffive well we've been together 15 years now and he hasn't stopped doing it thus far, if he did he knows where I'd be!

I believe SAHM are a big problem for working Moms and sincerely I don't feel sorry for them in situations like this. You have no excuse to be home if your kids are over 3 yrs old. If more women work and share home responsibilities equally with their partners, then we might have a chance of gender equality in the work place. Men without domestic responsibilities are the ones that tend to make working mothers look kinda incompetent.