To think that lots of men think this way

[Flynnshine]

Recently a good friend of my partners has split from his wife of 15 years, they have two young children between 10 and 13.
The husband has decided he isn't happy and wants to end the relationship.

Last week he came over to our house in the evening and I left him and my husband chatting in the living room. I wasn't eavesdropping but I was only in the next room so could hear their conversation. Basically the husband has been planning this split for a while, 6 months before he announced he wanted to end things he sold their beautiful big house and they moved into their much smaller starter home which they had out on rent - they moved the kids out of their private school education and into a state school local to their new home.

They've always had a very comfortable life, beautiful house, nice cars and very fancy holidays a few times a year. They both had good jobs when they first met but when the children came along the wife stopped work and dedicated her life to them. They've done amazingly well at school, both top of their classes, sporty and do two sports for their local borough. They are polite and thoughtful and genuinely lovely children.

The conversation I overheard was the husband complaining that even though the wife hasn't paid towards the mortgage for over 10 years she will still be entitled to half of what the house is worth - he seemed bitter and angry and said he'd been hiding money for ages so she wouldn't get anything when they divorce. He's even planning on quitting his job and becoming self employed so he can fudge his earnings so his maintenance payments could be less. My husband was agreeing with him, I don't know if just to placate him or if that's really how he feels!

This man honestly thinks that because he has been working and paying a mortgage that his worth is so much more. He thinks he has enabled her to not work for over 10 years and that she has been having a jolly all that time. It's like he gives zero shits that he has two wonderful children that he has never had to lift a finger for and she has given her all to those children while he reaps the rewards of that.

Do all men deep down think like this, even if they won't openly admit it? Is money really the be all and end all of everything!?

@AcrossthePond55

I have a degree and post graduate qualification. After being a sahm for some time they are worthless.

If you don't use your qualifications in my experience they count for nothing. I don't even get interviews for minimum wage work.

I tell my children to make sure they keep working at some level. Eg even if it's only a couple of hours a week.

arranbubonicplague

Change will not happen until men challenge other men about attitudes that reveal such callous indifference to children and other life responsibilities.

This is were you have it wrong, people like this (not just men) don't give a crap about what others think about them because as far as they are concerned they are always right.

It is because some people are just arseholes.

Minister similar happened to my friend...also married for years with two teens and a DH who earned well. A few years before he left, she took out a loan in her name as his credit was bad....to help him restart his business. Then they remortgaged.

Then once she was well in debt, he left her for another woman.

@Scifi101

I guess it depends on what your degree is in. My cousin's Hygiene Degree saved her bacon, and the world always needs nurses and such. And of course, she kept up her license and her continuing education points. If she'd had a degree in Philosophy or Geography, probably not so much.

But in the main, I agree with you. It's always best to keep working. Not just to keep your CV current, but TBH there is power & equality in your 'other half' knowing that you are financially independent!

Now I’ve read what you’ve ungoadingly 🙄 said about WOHP @Flynnshine you can go swivel. Take your judgey shit elsewhere

Do all men deep down think like this, even if they won't openly admit it? Is money really the be all and end all of everything!?

I do NOT say that all men think like this. What I do say is that I cannot think of one of my mates who thinks differently.

As for myself, I reserve my position.

Unforgivable to take the kids out of their school when they were happy and doing well.

That man wouldn't be coming back in to my house ever again.

Prick . Hope he gets found out.

@BitOutOfPractice

I posted and apologised that my comment on working parents was completely written wrong. It was written in haste and was aimed at my friends husband. My mistake, I hold my hands up as this is certainly not my view on working parents, at all. I am one!

I think a lot of men feel like this and after reading a recent thread on MN comparing the workloads of SAHM and Work out of home Mums it seems as though a lot of women feel the same way too.

We live in a very commercial society and if it doesn't come with a specific currency number I think some people have a hard time appreciating the hard work.

I think that is a incredibly nasty thing to do to the woman who raised your children and made your house a home!

But I'm afraid that's men for you, when me and my OH had an argument not long ago he went as far to say that he will get custody of DD because I wasn't working and he was, that was a low blow! But I put him in his place!

Men are just immature and don't realise what amazing woman they have until it's gone

I think the 2nd post by the OP was s bit of a drip feed to be honest, to back up her 'all men ' argument.

I doubt that he really has had nothing to do with the kids, and the 'never changed a nappy' boast is probably rubbish as well.
Sounds like they had an arrangement between them, divorce will mean the wife gets her wish to go work.
I think the posts have been highly embellished to generate a bit of misandry .

I deserve to get flamed for this alone: I haven’t RTFT, but technically is this not the same as Mumsnet’s favourite ‘get your ducks in a row’?

What bothers me about this is not exactly the money per se but the sudden 'FU' attitide towards the kids. He is basically risking their future and continued success. I don't think ALL men are like that but it is a worrying trend among many. I don't get how you can be so cold towards your own children... As to the SAHM - I don't know to be honest. Yes, she spent time with the children when they were little but did she have to continue not working when they've gone to school? And is she really the reason why they have 'wonderful children'- rather than the amounts of cash that have gone towards their expensive education and no doubt other hobbies/lifestyle...

its the having children that puts women in a precarious position. There is a lot going for being childfree by choice.

Strangely though the same kind of men dont like childfree by choice women either.

One told me a long time ago "You are not human"

God my exes dad was like that. His wife had three children for him. He was a millionaire and ran his own business which she was expected to help him out with for free when needed on top of doing all the housework and looking after the children. He wouldn't even have a joint account with her just gave her a pittance each month like she was a maid or a babysitter.
After she eventually left him he forced her into moving into a two bed house with the three kids and refused to continue paying for their private education and they had to go to the local school and for one it was in the middle of his gcses... used to complain to the kids that she 'stole his money'.... absolute knob end.

Did his wife ask him why they were selling the house and taking the kids out of school? That would have sent alarm bells ringing for me. Does she know the families financial situation, income savings etc?
Tell her what he's said and advice her to get a good solicitor and tell them what he's doing. He's married so she has a legal right to assets, money, his pension. She needs legal advice and quick.
Personally I couldn't give up financial independence, partly for this reason. I'll be returning to work three long days so I'm not reducing my hours by much. Dp will do shorter days on those days and do drop off, pick up, make dinner etc.

Oh and even working I'll still be raising my child, just jointly with his father and with good quality childcare provision for two days and a doting granny the other.

No, it isn't. Hiding financial assets, downsizing everything before leaving so the wife gets far less than she would have been entitled to is NOT the same as making sure that you know what your husband has.
People who are counselled to "get their ducks in a row" are usually living with the abuser, not the abuser themselves. This man is financially abusing his wife (and children!) by having refused to allow the wife to earn her own money, thus keeping her dependent on him, and now hiding money so she doesn't get her fair (in law) share of it.

I’ve been the main (sole) earner and the Sahp.

Being the one out at work, in my particular job , was MUCH harder than.being the one at home with the children.

My then partner , the sahp was a lazy so and so and I am eternally glad we were not married and he could not claim on my hard earned £.
Why the F SHOULD HE HAVE BEEN ENTITLED TO A SINGLE PENNY when we parted ?

Yes, FFS, the advice to 'squirrel money away' is valid when it's someone living with an abuser. It's completely different to the pattern of behaviour shown by a certain type of man who considers his wife and children to be props for his image, not people. Such a man will have, from the start of the marriage, set things up in a way that benefits him rather than his family: the house will be in his name, the choice of where to live will be based on what will suit his career, and he will have taken control of all the finances. Once he decides that it's time to move on from the marriage (either he's got his eye on a different woman, or he fancies being a single man again and shagging lots of different women) he will have things arranged in such a way that he can simply up and leave. Some such abusive men will even have their partners convinced that they have no rights at all and can be forced to leave the house without a penny to their names.

It's not at all unusual for a couple to appear to be wealthy, and the woman to therefore be blamed for not getting a job, when the truth is that all the money is in his name and under his control, and he won't pay for childcare, won't give her any more money than what is necessary for groceries etc.

Yes it's common. Wife will be ok without that douchebag. I doubt he'll get away with as much as he thinks. She needs to find a Rottweiler of a lawyer!

girlonit you sound to have got it right.

He didn't actually stop her working though, she's an adult and can do as she pleases. What he wouldn't agree to was covering the school holidays, presumably as it doesn't line up with his job role. The role that kept her in luxury for years. If she earned the same as him at the start there was no reason not to return to work as childcare would have been easily affordable. If you can afford private school for two on one salary you can afford chdilcare on two salaries.

You never know what actually goes on behind closed dyiirsy, people only tell others their version of events.

Why are there so many NAMALTs on this thread? The opinion of this man is so mainstream. Why do women immediately jump to the defence men all the time? I would not stand to have a man like this in my house and I would have told him to get out immediately, not politely either. Then I would have told his wife exactly what he was up to.