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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Manager keeps talking about me being on a diet. Aibu?

164 replies

Diamondangel8 · 12/01/2019 09:11

I've been going to Sw for years and lost several stone. I have one stone to go. My Manager is constantly bringing up me being on a diet into every conversation even if other people are there. She scrutinises everything I eat and even if we are on a night out she's discussing it if I'm eating. She tells me to just eat soup. She asks me very week if I have lost and I say for example a pound she will start laughing saying is that it?? I walk out the door to go my sw and she asks how much to go now and then starts rolling her eyes. I'm in a new job so don't want to rock the boat where it's a small business and she is the manager. She is thin and never had kids. I keep changing the subject as she keeps saying I'm always eating and talking about food but i never bring it up she is the one who does. i only told her because my old workplace was really supportive and we all helped each other with recipes. I really don't know how to deal with this. I thought she would forget if I don't bring it up. I really regret telling her about it. Any ideas what to say next time she starts talking about it? I don't want a big confrontation as a new job but I think I need to put her in her place.

OP posts:
danceyourselfsilly · 14/01/2019 12:12

OP has explained the bully is HR also she said she is "thin"
I agree with all posters who say this woman has real problems/issues with food and guilt and projects onto you. Sad immature woman
I would say be careful, she may start picking on your work next make sure you cover all tracks with everything

1Wildheartsease · 14/01/2019 12:30

If you feel you have to answer her questions about weight lost, always give the full total (not the weekly one)... then quickly change the subject to how much she has lost.

If she comments on your wrappers - or choice of food and you feel you need to respond, look very smug and confident - and tell her that it is AMAZING what you are allowed to eat on this diet and that it has already led to X lbs weight loss.

Encourage her to join and stress how much she will lose and how easy it is and generally be a diet bore!

DistanceCall · 14/01/2019 12:31

Sorry, I missed the bit about her being HR (FFS).

Then you need to talk to senior management, OP (making sure that you leave an email trail). This is seriously unacceptable. The person in charge of HR is bullying and harrassing employees.

M3lon · 14/01/2019 12:35

Totally agree with the 'please stop' response every time the talk turns to food, dieting etc.

I think that is the best way forward. Never engage on the topic with her again. That will be the clearest signal.

GlitterNails · 14/01/2019 12:52

All those who keep saying message HR - this manager is the HR.

It can be 10 times worse to work for a very small enpkoyer as there aren’t many people to go to, and they can often be friends which makes things worse.

Her behaviour is awful though.

TenForward82 · 14/01/2019 13:01

None of this PA bullshit the British love, just "I don't want to talk about my diet with you". Repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't change what you do, when you eat, what you eat. Just don't engage.

Original poster
Diamondangel8 · 14/01/2019 13:31

She may have got the message I went and got my lunch and went and sat in the break room to eat it. Normally I would sit in front of her eating while being scrutinised about my salad and how the diet is going. From now on I am eating in the break room. When I go weigh in tomorrow there will be a barrage of questions to but I am just going to say alls going well and don't want to keep talking about it.

OP posts:
MiraculousMarinette · 14/01/2019 13:46

Why can't you just tell her straight that she needs to butt out? Every time she brings it up, come back with 'I do not want to talk about it with you'. Surely no one is that stupid to not understand that.

noodlenosefraggle · 14/01/2019 13:59

If she's just eaten 5 chocolate bars and biscuits in front of you and is a size 8, I'd say she definitely has some ki D of eating disorder. Im overweight and have a really sweet tooth but 5 chocolate bars in a morning would make me sick! Her issues are not your issues though. She's a rude loony!

BunsOfAnarchy · 14/01/2019 14:02

If, after your weigh in she asks u anything tomorrow, put your hand up and say 'im going to stop you right there, if you want to keep talking about my body this way then i will have to speak to HR'.

End of convo. Then email HR anyway

Surfingtheweb · 14/01/2019 14:09

@Diamondangel8 if I were you I would ask to speak to her in private. Apologise for snapping this morning & explain that this is upsetting you & that you do not want to talk about it anymore. If you don't do that then tomorrow you are going to get all the questions about your weigh in & be upset again.
I'd say the fact she continued to talk about her weight gain this morning after your outburst would suggest she sees this as an ok subject to discuss & possibly your battle with diets is something you have in common.
For you this has been eating away at you for months, for her this is the 1st time she has realised there is a problem. You have to manage things in the right way because this is work & you have to be professional & nobody is going to look at you as the victim if one day you totally lose it in the office & have at no point said to anyone you are unhappy.
Give her a chance & the opportunity to fully understand that you do not want the discussions, questions etc anymore. Follow the chat up with an e mail, & confide in the more senior manager tomorrow stating that you want to let them know there's an issue, you've taken the 1st steps to try to resolve it but would like to know you have their support should her behaviour not change.
Well that's what I would do anyway.

TougheningUp · 14/01/2019 15:05

When I go weigh in tomorrow there will be a barrage of questions to but I am just going to say alls going well and don't want to keep talking about it.

If she does mention it again, tell her it's none of her business. Tell her it's not up for discussion. Be clear. And you don't need to eat in the break room if you prefer to eat at your desk. Eat where you want to. And if she says anything, shut the conversation down. She's the one out of line here, not you.

Theunreasonableone · 14/01/2019 16:37

OP don’t engage her in any conversation about it at all! Not even “all’s well” to shut her up. You need to shut her DOWN! If she asks you after weigh in tomorrow tell her “I thought you would have got the message by now but as you’re asking me again, I’ll say it straight. Do not discuss or comment on my weight again.”

LittleTipple · 14/01/2019 18:57

Sounds horrific OP. I'd start keeping a log of what she says and at what times, so it shows that it's a constant barrage. Start from today. Whatever time she said you were secret eating, note down your annoyed response and then the time she brought eating up AGAIN. Also think back to specific occasions like a night out where she has specifically brought up what you're eating. I think it's inappropriate she asked what size you were. Many women aren't comfortable talking about that. If you just say 'she talks about it a lot' there is no specific evidence, so keeping a log is a good back up.

You say that you'll 'mention it' to the other boss, but I think you need to phrase it more seriously. You're feeling harassed and contemplating looking for another job, this is obviously seriously effecting you. You need to make this clear to the manager. Their response may be that in the first instance you need to sit down together and discuss it. She's got issues and probably doesn't realise how outrageous she's being. The only way to stop it is to tell her how it's affecting you and that you don't want her to mention food or dieting again. If she then continues, it's up to her boss to manage your complaint. Make sure to get something in writing!

DistanceCall · 14/01/2019 19:13

"but I am just going to say alls going well and don't want to keep talking about it."

Don't tell her all's going well. Tell her that you don't want to talk about your weight. Make it clear it's not a conversation you want to have. Over and over and over. Refuse to engage.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 14/01/2019 21:38

One response: It went fine.

Use it to reply to every single question. If she gets arsey then ignore her.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 14/01/2019 22:33

God she is appalling. A real bully doing that and then gorging herself on chocolate, obviously not remotely worried that anyone would comment on her.

SaturdayNext · 14/01/2019 23:12

When I go weigh in tomorrow there will be a barrage of questions to but I am just going to say alls going well

No, point out that you told her on Monday that you were sick of her obsession with food and you are not going to discuss this with her any more.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2019 14:08

Well done for blowing up - hopefully it's put paid to some of it at least!

I wouldn't even respond that nicely to a question about your SW weigh in - just stare her down and say "it's none of your business - I don't want to discuss food or my weight with you at all".

halfwitpicker · 15/01/2019 14:12

Tell her to get to fuck?

OurChristmasMiracle · 15/01/2019 14:24

It sounds like she is fixated on food. My manager and myself both joined the gym. Yeah we encourage each other and I’ve lost 3 stone and now have a healthy bmi.

However if I feel to eat a bar of chocolate that’s down to me. No one else.

Also 1-2lb a week is a healthy sustainable weight loss so ignore her smug comments.

Original poster
Diamondangel8 · 15/01/2019 16:20

She has brought up the food issue twice today and then asked me as she knew I was going weigh in do I think I've lost weight. I told her directly I don't wish to discuss my weight anymore. She was really grinning and didn't say anything and we were in silence til i left.

OP posts:
Bellasorellaa · 15/01/2019 16:29

basically from your replies she feels guilty about her lack of diet so is trying to put her insecurity on to you

woollyheart · 15/01/2019 17:27

Do you think she might be trying to be supportive because you said your old workplace was supportive? Obviously, she is not being helpful at all but maybe she thinks she is...

danceyourselfsilly · 15/01/2019 18:44

She is a bully - she enjoys winding you up and I suspect she thinks you won't take it further. I've been in a small office where there is no HR and I was also bullied by my manager. When I did go to the MD (too late by which time I was really upset) he sympathised but actually said about the bully - they are not going to change - they don't mean it, etc etc - so I left. There were no witnesses. Do you have witnesses?