To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

It’s nice to have kids when you’re old. It helps to have some support if partner dies or has dementia. Of course it’s all a risk and kids may abandon you, but many do offer some sort of support.

I think the answer is that everyone is different! Choosing not to have them is just a valid choice as having them, but people’s priorities are different so to label either as bonkers is silly really.

OP, I think it's a case of seeing that people moan when there's something to moan about. You only get to hear the shit bits so it warps your view.

I never had a primal 'urge' so if I'd waited for that I'd never have had them,
For me, I wanted a future relationship with my own older children. In order to get that, I realised I need to have babies.
I spent the whole of my first pregnancy year very unsure, very scared of losing my 'life' as I knew it. In fact, when they handed my my first baby I felt no rush of love, just panic. The deep, deep love came a few months later.

What my first child brought me was, new friends, new social life (yes, with other baby-mothers....but 15 years on we're still very close friends). My career also improved, although I think that was coincidence. Me and Dh managed it nevertheless.

My dcs are teens now. Over the years I've never worried, cried more or been more tired. However, I've also never laughed so much or been so proud of what they've achieved.
So far, I'm finding the teenage years quite hard but that deep rooted love, pride and joy never really goes away.

I'm so glad I had them. Even though my life would have been easier I'm some respects without them I feel in others ways it may have been more boring and a bit empty.
Not saying that people who have no children and dull and empty lives, I'm purely talking about my own life.

I used to quite envy people who didn't have the "urge" to have children before having mine as it seemed their life would be so much easier. Now that I am middle aged with one adult and one teenage child I feel a bit sorry for them as once their parents have died they don't really have much family.

YANBU. It’s your choice. My friends without children have more money, holidays etc and sometimes I feel a bit crazy talking with them about my life! Sometimes they feel a bit sad about not having kids around (ie Xmas) but are ultimately happy with their lives overall.

People do share a lot of the negative sides which set my expectations quite low so I have found childbirth, parenting etc all better than expected haha.

The negative impact on your relationship is something I’m finding hard, men can really struggle, and it’s hard to find time and head space to work on it.

It is a lifelong choice which can seem overwhelming but it’s made me a stronger better person and I can’t imagine my life without these lovely little people who love me so much every day. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done and personally will ever do without doubt.

OP I have two children and I agree with you.

I had my first because I didn't realise and no one told me the realities of it. I believed the family who said they'd always love him and believed my partner was there for the long haul. I was filled with hope and belief and had no idea what 2019 was going to look like 20 years ago.

But family dies, or turn out to not be who you thought they were/would want them to be, and men are fickle in their affections for their partners and their children.

I had my second so that my first wouldn't be on his own - he has no other family.

I love my children dearly - they are amazing people who fill me with pride everyday. But, if I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had them.

Dungeon Except a lot of adult kids do not see their parents much. Some emigrate to the other side of the world. Plenty of parents in nursing homes with no visitors.

I’m astonished every summer when the threads on here crop up arguing that children should be in school 48 weeks of the year because society has changed and parents need to work. The astonishment comes fro people recognising that there is a conflict and thinking that the world of work should win out over the best interests of children and families. It would benefit employers not to have to accommodate the needs of parents in the workplace but at a terrible detriment to children. Worse still is when people justify it as ‘preparing children for the real world’. The real world should adjust to meet the needs of families, not vice versa. Priorities are all backwards. I think parenting is so hard because people are trying to balance too much in their lives. It’s driven by a greedy, capitalist society that has no empathy for parents’ need to look after ill children, have downtime, nurture their family and take care of their own health and wellbeing too. We all need to work less and live better!

I also agree with Captainbrickbeard in lots of ways.
I think the trick to happiness is to let go of the idea of perfection and the appearance of perfection in being a parent. That way madness lies.

My child is amazing. The only thing that makes our life hard is our financial situation which isn’t terrible but means we will probably have an only child as more childcare fees would cripple us.

I didnt feel a primal urge, though dh did (and it apoeared my mum had a primal urge to have grandchildren )

Dh and i thought it would be a nice thing to do and then it turned out i needed fertility treatment and i started to think meh...would have a good life without them and dh went in completely the opposite direction!!

I have three, ive never been very maternal but my children are fabulous, funny, clever/quick, obviously beautiful, so i think we did the right thing by persevering

I do remember someone telling me that although they loved their children they regretted having them

I find that incredibly sad,

I didn't want children, couldn't understand why anyone would want to trash their relationship, their career and do all that work and want to look after those smelly dirty things. DH desperately wanted kids, we just about split up over it in our 20s. He decided to stay with me despite knowing I didn't want kids.

But we got older, and the things we enjoyed in our 20s and early 30s were no longer as appealing as they once were and I knew DH would be a good involved father and our lives were basically all about work. So I agreed to have DC, we now have 3 (11, 9 and 6 so in the golden years of parenting).

TBH I found maternity leave awful, hated being away from work and my friends (had no life outside work and family far away), felt so isolated and very bored with my groundhog day life (DC1 is very bright, as a baby that translated to never napping and needing continual attention and crawling and walking early). I probably had mild PND (or a rational response to an impossible situation). It put a lot of pressure on our relationship. But then I went back to work (DH also went PT), DC2 was a much easier baby so enjoyed that maternity leave a lot more and had made some 'mummy friends' so didn't feel so isolated. So we had DC3.

The first few years were very hard, no family support, DH and I both sleep deprived and DH with a long commute. But the children become more independent and even at the worst stages there are lots of moments of joy. And now we are at a lovely stage and watching their understanding of the world expand is fab.

There are many ways to make your life rich, children is just one of them. We all do things that from the outside might look irrational and too much like hard work. But different things suit different people and sometimes we don't have a choice about the challenges we face in life but it's the challenges that keep us growing and developing. Having children, climbing mountains, doing a PhD, swimming the English Channel, backpacking round the world, caring for an elderly parent, being a nurse or social worker or police officer etc etc. These all have their incredibly difficult bits but they all keep you alive because you are challenged and are doing something you think is worthwhile.

'People move to different continents. Your children will have their own lives as adults that takes them miles away, and you may not be involved with grandchildren.'

Yes, some do. But most don't. Most people do maintain contact with their families.

I think the thing to remember OP is that people come on Mumsnet to "vent" or get advice on "issues" so it is inherently going to be negative.

As a previous poster said, no one starts threads saying how wonderful their life is and amazing their DC are because generally they get shot down, that doesn't mean those people don't exist though, what you're seeing on MN is a very very skewed perspective.

Your opening post is worded in a way that comes across a bit goady and judgemental, I appreciate you we're trying to make it jokey/tongue in cheek, but it will put posters off telling you their positive experiences and just makes people defensive.

For what's its worth, I was never maternal and didn't see myself having DC, until a doctor told me I might not be able to, being told I might not be able to have something almost instantly made me want it (I'm sure there's some reverse psychology only child thing in this!)

My life hasn't changed for the negative since having DS (11). We still do all the things we did before and go to all the places we did, we just have 3 people doing it instead of 2.

No negative financial impact, yeah I have an extra person to buy clothes/food/Christmas presents for etc but that money would otherwise just sit in our savings or get wasted on crap we don't need. But I appreciate that I am in an extremely privileged position here and not everyone is.

I also got lucky. DS is a dream child. He went 4hrs between feeds from day 1 and slept through night by the time he was around 8/10wks old. He never threw a single tantrum as a toddler. He's polite, well behaved, sociable and top of his class. He fills me with pride every single day. Again, I appreciate that this means he's probably saved all the bad shit up and I'm getting it in spades when he's a teenager 🙈🤣

But it's a lottery OP, we could just as easily had a non sleeping tantrumming toddler.

YANBU for not wanting to take that risk!!

Except a lot of adult kids do not see their parents much. Some emigrate to the other side of the world. Plenty of parents in nursing homes with no visitors.

I feel sorry for them too although I think they are the minority rather than the majority.

It seems to be pretty common for parents in nursing homes. Sorry to be cynical, just seen it happen too much.

Looked at objectively horse owning and riding can have a negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical health ( injuries). The same can be said for many physical, time consuming activities.

Lots of people do it and enjoy it because they are getting something worthwhile out of it. But to an outsider it seems incomprehensible.

I feel that way about skiing holidays to be fair. I mean, just why??

Ha. I'm just back from a skiing holiday. With the kids :) I must say that a baby is a significant impediment to skiing.

Nobody tells the truth anymore. Or a sanitised version of the truth.
My mum did though ' children are hard work' : she had three ( two in the early 50s and me in the mid 60s) and was forever warning me of the pitfalls. I have two and yes it was hard work etc etc. At least I was forwarned !
There are many downsides but also many up. It's life and a lifestyle choice too as children are easier to not have than it was decades ago and not pushed as the way to do things anymore. In fact, I think this government is making it harder for ordinary people to have children.
People should be made aware of the hardships involved.

I actually like children and enjoy their company so always wanted a family. I could be crazy, the jury is out.

In fairness you can sell your horse and give up horse riding at any time. You cant do that with a child
I think it is one of the few irreversible life decisions we make, and that does make it different.

My family cared for my elderly dad for years and years to keep him in his own place.
Especially my eldest brother. At 96 , however, it became too much , he had had numerous falls and his dementia won't get any better. It was awful placing him in care but we had run out of options and he was at risk where he lived ( was wandering off etc)
I hate to think that anyone thinks we ' dumped' him in a home without a care in the world! We are still called upon to do things for him and be there if he goes in hospital. It's only peace of mind some of the time.
Lots of the other residents have visitors and care for their parents. Lots don't though!
Sorry to derail.

It seems to be pretty common for parents in nursing homes. Sorry to be cynical, just seen it happen too much.

I was comparing myself in middle age with young adult children rather than elderly people in care homes. I am sure that many don't get visitors but mainly they will be people without family or family who live too far away to visit regularly. That will sometimes be why they are in a care home in the first place.