To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

I have children I adore and I don’t feel hemmed in. I feel proud, fulfilled and incredibly privileged.

I think it's hard to make a call based on what other people say. I moan about my dcs a fair bit but there's no way I'm going to list all the amazing things about it to people who don't have kids. Not sure anyone in their right mind would do that.

I think it's just such a personal thing. I had mine in my mid twenties and didn't think twice about it. If I was considering it now I'm sure my view would be skewed by what my friends had said but having them I know you're never ever getting the full picture/ hearing about the really great bits.

'You don’t realise how hard it will be until it’s too late and there’s no way back'

I think that's a very honest answer

The true relentlessness of having kids isn't something I grasped before I had them. I made a decision based on what I knew at the time. Had I been equipped with what I know now but without the kids that come with it, then no doubt I'd have made a different decision. But I didn't, I went for it, and I'm glad I did. I love them more than anything in the world, and my life is forever changed because of their existence. For the good.

My life is harder, I'm tired, I'm bored, I have an understanding of sacrifice that I couldn't even have previously imagined. My life has taken a battering. But as with all of life's big challenges, underneath it all I am changing, softer, more vulnerable, loving, protective, appreciative. It's a fair trade. And the things I've lost are not lost forever, but my gains will last a lifetime.

We don't need to repopulate the earth, so you really don't have to have children if you don't want to!

My own life would be miserable without my children, I had them because I wanted them.
DH and I had a great life just the 2 of of, for enough years to never feel we are missing out on anything because of the kids.
They keep us young, they make us have another view of the world, they keep things interesting.

Yes, they steal your sleep, they cost a fortune, you worry - a lot - because you care!, but it's such a small part of it. I loved being pregnant, there's nothing like a baby snuggling you, toddlers are cute and funny, primary kids get brighter and smarter and funnier, teens become very interesting young adult with amazing opinions.

They grow too bloody fast, that's true, and the sleepless nights really disappear quickly.

I don't like children in general, I don't find babies cute in general, I've never been one to demand a cuddle with a baby, but it's so different with mine.
If I hadn't been able to have them, I would have felt that my life was missing everything and was pointless.

What I cannot comprehend is people who make judgements about others. I totally understand people who chose not to have kids. Their life can be absolutely happy and fulfilled without them. You don't need children to be happy, it's such a personal thing. You shouldn't have them if you don't really want them, that's unfair.

I think there's a loss of some sort with either life path. Maybe the answer is to really understand which loss you're more comfortable with.

Yes but what about when you're old and you need help? When you're physically to old to travel any more?

My mother will have to find that out as I'm NC with her so having children is no guarantee you will have help. It's also not a certainty that you will need help in old age, but there are various avenues for help in old age if you need it, that don't require children.

Thing is OP, I've posted on here about my children's sleep issues, food issues, medical issues, behavioural issues, the impact on my relationship, the struggle balancing work and kids, financial strain etc - because they are things I need help or support with.

I've never really posted about all the wonderful things my DC do, or the joy they bring to my life, how proud I am of them, how much fun we have, how I'd rather be broke than childless. So you will get a skewed opinion from here.

I really don't think anyone should have children unless they really want them though. A friend did and finds it extremely difficult. It's fine not to have them.

You can leave a partner if it's not making you happy.

But the point people are making is that your partner making you happy is a separate thing from whether having a partner restricts you in any way.

Of course our lives are more restricted when we have partners - we have someone else to consider, we can’t just easily live wherever we like or do whatever we like any more. I loved being single and never understood why people actively wanted to get married and settle down, but my life is better for having my husband in it now all the same.

@TiddleTaddleTat - thank you! I hope so! I love being an auntie and think I would have been very sad about not having children if I didn’t have them in my life. Though they have just moved back overseas again, there is another niece on the way in the family which I am looking forward to.

On the grandparents bit, there have been lots of family rifts in my (big) family and various aunts and uncles don’t see children/grandchildren. It’s very sad. Because of that, I’ve never taken it for granted that these relationships are always there in later life.

I totally get the love that people feel for their kids though. It’s hard wired in us and I’m sad that I’ll never get to feel that. But don’t think it’s the right thing for me.

Because happiness is not necessarily found in endless free time, spare cash, nice holidays, having an optimal amount of sleep. Happiness comes from your life having meaning and purpose, and having children certainly provides those. You may be tired, time poor, cash poor, but you have the certainty that you are doing something incredibly valuable, that raising this child and providing what they need emotionally and physically is important and meaningful. One can find this meaning elsewhere - work is the most common alternative, hobbies possibly - but for me it was hard to see that those things would ever be as important to me.

It’s definitely an instinct. I would’ve been gutted had we not had kids.
Now they’re teens I have loads of free time but not so much the Moolah! I’m doing more things for myself.
Yes, kids are a constant worry (DD who thought she’d walk home from her friends via the more dangerous route home without a thought that it could be so, DSs friend issues) but that is part of life and there’s always something to worry about. And if you don’t have anyone to concern yourself with, you don’t have love.

"I have said to my DP that, if we feel that something is lacking in our lives, we should consider adopting in the future. There must be children out there that need loving homes"

You lacking something is certainly not a reason to adopt. The children mostly need a lot more than a loving home and it shouldn't be taken on by someone looking to substitute having their Bio child.

For me if was very much a primal urge. I had secondary infertility and it took me ten years to have another. I tried to fill the time, my eldest has additional needs, so all in, I was busy. But something was missing.

Some people like a good moan, I don't mind when they are moaning about their children. There's nothing more draining than working with someone whose moaning about work.

I know people who could work in lesser roles, but choose not to, they moan, continuesly instead. I know people who moan about driving to other Cities when they could easily and more cheaper etc could get the train.

People get caught up in negative behaviours, including moaning.

"I moan about my dcs a fair bit but there's no way I'm going to list all the amazing things about it to people who don't have kids."

Yup, I think there's definitely an element of its being socially acceptable to moan about your kids in public but not to boast about how heart-meltingly lovely they are. In particular, I'd never go on about the joys of having a DC in front of childfree acquaintances, because you never really know for sure whether they've experienced problems with fertility.

At the end of the day, everyone's different and we all find different things fulfilling. I find people (like my mother) who say "you don't know the meaning of life til you've had kids", and the ones who say "I know I wouldn't enjoy being a mother so anyone who says she likes her kids must be lying" , equally weird, to be honest.

Well, it's a thing that can be hard but most people who do it feel that it was worth it. I'm another one who gets largely unmixed delight out of being a parent (at the moment - she's a toddler) and I felt very sad about some of the comments on that thread. And I tend not to rhapsodise about how much I am enjoying it to other parents because (a) boring, (b) not fair to people who are finding it really hard.

I do think that I love it as much as I do because my husband is a real and genuine co-parent who puts as much time into it as I do if not more. A lot of the time I want to tell people on here that it isn't doing the parenting, it's doing all the parenting and running round after another person who should be parenting too and isn't into the bargain. But that's only going to make people feel even worse about something that they can't change.

I was quite worried about having a baby because so many people found it so hard in so many ways, but I also had a very deep seated and profound urge to do it anyway that I could not ignore. I haven't ever had cause to regret it so far.

'I think there's a loss of some sort with either life path. Maybe the answer is to really understand which loss you're more comfortable with.'

Completely agree. I understand the urge to have a baby - I have felt consumed by it many times. I'll never know how much of it was hormonal, and how much of it was feeling left out and isolated by not being a mother. Having children is still VERY much portrayed as 'the norm' when you're in your 30s, and it can be incredibly tough to take another path. Ultimately though, I knew the day in day out reality of parenthood was not for me. I'm nearly 40 now and feeling more relieved all the time that I made the right decision. You can't do everything or have everything in life, and there is a loss involved in every decision you make

However, I do see what you mean about people only banging on about the negatives. I do often think to myself when people are whinging “well why have them then?” But I don’t have a lot of patience for “mummy martyrs” so

MwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahA

Good luck in a few weeks. Your life is about to explode. You have no idea. Hopefully you will cope and have an easy baby and a hands on partner. You have no idea about the lives of the people complaining. Mummy martyrs. Don’t be so patronising

Ok maybe some people really do have no idea.

I think there's a loss of some sort with either life path.

See, I don't agree with that. In my case, I haven't "lost" anything at all. We might have put our "single life" on hold for a few years, but the kids grow up and soon they will do their own thing. I don't miss anything from my child-free life to be honest, I could do pretty much the same, but I chose to do something different.
Our holidays are different, but that's ok, we chose them around the family to ensure we all have a fab time.

What i think is a mistake for many people is to try to keep the same child-free life with children. It's much easier to adapt, take them into account and you are much happier that way.
I can't see any loss for me, even maternity leave didn't harm my career, just hurt my bonus the years I was off.

PS Also wanted to be completely honest and say that I have read and heard enough terrifying birth stories to be frightened of childbirth. Though I know of people who were also terrified but got pregnant accidentally and then loved their child so much that they went on to have more. But it has always put me off. I guess if I wanted them that much I would be prepared to go through it.

I do feel and have always felt that if I had not had my daughter I would still have been able to lead a happy and fulfilling life. I mean, yes, having a baby opened my eyes to wonderful feelings and experiences that I wouldn't have had without her, and no, I would not be without her ever, but, you know, you could say the same thing as getting to live and work in France for a year not bitter

I have contributed to that thread you have linked to. Myself and others have talked about bereavement, dealing with parents getting old and having issues such as dementia, peri menopause, etc etc. None of these are to do with whether you have children or not. Life can be tough whatever choices you make because some things we have no control over.

@Birdsgottafly - I take your point but I think that’s probably why most people adopt. And I’ve always thought that I would prefer to adopt because if there are children out there that need homes, I would rather adopt than bring another one into the world. I was inspired by the film ‘Lion’ in which the adoptive mother said she could have children of her own but wanted to give a chance to a child that was already in care.

that I have read and heard enough terrifying birth stories to be frightened of childbirth.
to be honest, that was the one bit I was terrified of. The during and after birth... too much information! That completely disappeared when I became pregnant, it kind of put it into perspective, it's only a few hours compared to 9 months of pregnancy and a lifetime of another human.

I didn't have the easiest births, but even after the worst one, I was already planning on having another baby asap to have them close together.

You don’t realise how hard it will be until it’s too late and there’s no way back. That’s basically the answer.

If that was the answer why would people have more than one child?! After the first you know what is involved and yet a large proportion of people have a second. It's not because they have forgotten as the eldest is usually still hard work.

It was a primal urge for me too. Men can also feel the primal urge, Dh felt it although he only admitted it to me recently.