To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

People never say much about the negatives really. Even I was shocked to read the negatives thread on here.

Being a parent is so hard.

Having kids is literally the point of being human beings rather than ameboas or something that just divides to reproduce.

And there you hit the divide in thinking... Life itself only has the objective of keeping going, but as sentient beings some believe there has to be more to it than that, a greater vehicle. Accepting that life has no real point is deeply troubling for many people.

it's one of those things you can't understand until you have kid

I don't think this is true and a bit patronising. I imagined what it would be like and it was. The adorableness of a child running to see me and the relentlessness of getting up six times when I am trying to eat a meal.

People used to say that to me you won't know until you have them. But I did know. I feel the same as I imagined. I sure that's the case for some people but I am sure a lot of people can envision it.

I have on dd. She is amazing but I do not want anymore.

'Having kids is literally the point of being human '

Dear god, there's some smug nonsense on this thread but that probably takes the prize! So far....

Kids are so much fun! I love being a Mum :) It's a very short amount of time in your life when you are full on intensely looking after them.

The baby and toddler years are to a large degree a living nightmare. I think/hope it gets better from there.

I think it's great that people generally think long and hard before having children.
I'm a 'overwhelming urge' person. I also generally have an overwhelming urge to nurture people/things/animals generally. I need things to look after, while still getting overwhelmed by the demand at times!

If you are not drawn, dragged, besotted about having a child, then best not.

However, I do see what you mean about people only banging on about the negatives. I do often think to myself when people are whinging “well why have them then?” But I don’t have a lot of patience for “mummy martyrs” so

MwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahA

Good luck in a few weeks. Your life is about to explode. You have no idea. Hopefully you will cope and have an easy baby and a hands on partner. You have no idea about the lives of the people complaining. Mummy martyrs. Don’t be so patronising.

I had children because I like children. I didn't realise how hard the baby/toddler years were but they are over in a blink of an eye. Looking after older children/teenagers isn't hard at all.
I find it interesting that many of those who are adamant that they don't want children get a dog and treat them like children anyway. Clearly most human being have the urge to look after something once they are past a certain age.

I agree with you OP. If people want to have children obviously have them but to me the negatives hugely outweight the positives. I also have no 'primal urge' to have children whatsoever.

I had DD late in life. Was a bit like you but then thought that I would like a child. She has been the most wonderful thing in my life and I feel sick when I think I nearly didn’t have a child. I so wish I had had her sooner so I could have had another. She has been a very easy child. I cannot remember a day when I have not loved being her mother.

You have no idea about the lives of the people complaining.

Very true. Factors like mental health problems, financial difficulties, relationship issues, children with SEN... That makes everything harder. If you don't have any of this (we don't!) you may fool yourself thinking you're just 'better at life'.

We are all different though. I have never felt the urge for kids. They would feel like a bind to me. I have colleagues who have had kids and they have aged so much, and look so stressed and careworn but others seem to thrive and take it in their stride. Sometimes I do think that people take a cavalier attitude to having kids. Little thought is given to lifelong commitments. I find that odd.

I always knew I wanted children. I couldn't imagine getting old and not having had any.

It's been bloody hard at times, and there are days I really crave being alone. I would say this is true of every parent. However, I cannot imagine life without them. I feel lucky to have two healthy, happy, funny and loving children. Everything else becomes less important. Compared to the early days I'm much more accepting of the life I now have.

Yes, my life has completely altered, but it was worth it - - most of the time - -

Interesting thread. I was moved by the poster who said that she got pregnant accidentally and wanted the child more than anything but didn’t feel she could bring it into the world at that stage so went through a termination.

I feel very envious of those who talk about the love and the joy that their children and family life brings them. I can see that.

My DP is great with kids and we absolutely adore my niece and nephew. I understand the feelings that people describe when they are falling asleep on you or they come to you for help when upset. For me, it’s the best feeling in the world when my niece and nephew are cuddled up to me on the sofa (and I don’t know what relationship I’ll have with them now following my other post about how my SIL has been trying to hook my DP up with a friend of hers but that’s another story which makes me very sad). They have been living over here for a while from overseas but have just gone back and I have spent all my money over the years going over to see them.

I was never with anyone I wanted to have children with and then I met my current partner at the age of 39. It was a bit rocky to start off with but things are more stable now. I am 42 now though and feel it’s too late to start a family - and I had always thought I never wanted just one. As one of three, I liked having siblings and would want to give a child a brother or sister. I am too old to go through the baby stage now especially if I was to have two.

I don’t have that primal urge to have children but I wonder if I had met my DP ten years ago, we might have a couple by now. But one of the main reasons is that I have also been prone to depression throughout my life which I have to work hard to stave off and worried that any child of mine might be the same. The protective side of me doesn’t want to bring a child into the world that would the same way that I do some of the time.

I have said to my DP that, if we feel that something is lacking in our lives, we should consider adopting in the future. There must be children out there that need loving homes and he has agreed. Interestingly, he split with his wife because she wanted a child and he didn’t and then he met me and was trying to persuade me that I wasn’t too old!

If you don't have children then eventually you get old, everyone around you dies and there is no fun of grandchildren, watching your own children grow into adults with their own lives etc.

I was never maternal. I didn’t think about having kids beyond a vague shuddery feeling that it would be a massive hassle with lots of screaming. I didn’t find babies or kids cute and basically had no interest in them at all.
Then at the age of 25 I was remiss with my depo and found myself pregnant to my long term partner. He was keen, I was shit scared. Thought it would be a nightmare!

What took me by surprise is what an absolute pleasure it is to have babies. Best thing I ever did and went on to have two more. That’s me though. I don’t think you need to have kids to be happy or fulfilled. It’s a personal choice and not one I’m going to justify.

I’m an atheist...should I go to a Christian forum now and tell them they’re ‘bonkers’ and list all the reasons why believing in God is a crock?

*'Having kids is literally the point of being human '

Dear god, there's some smug nonsense on this thread but that probably takes the prize! So far....*

Although I don't agree with this statement, OP asked for reasons. This is someones reason. It's a bit strange but there you go, everybody is different.

everyone around you dies and there is no fun of grandchildren, watching your own children grow into adults with their own lives etc.

But for some people that's not "fun" at all, they prefer their autonomy, the ability to retire early, travel, run a business. There's plenty to life beyond the possible future of grandchildren. I'm certainly not fussed about the fact that one day I may be a grandparent.

People saying "why bother with a DH because that also means you're less free" are making a false equivalency, I think.

You can leave a partner if it's not making you happy. You are not ultimately and wholly responsible for the wellbeing of your partner, and can leave in pretty much any circumstance (outside of coercion and abuse).

I am lucky to have a husband I adore and who I choose everyday to be with - that choice means I don't feel hemmed in at all.

Yes but what about when you're old and you need help? When you're physically to old to travel any more? It's obviously not a child's job to help their aging parent but it's nice to have family on the end of a phone at least. Men don't usually live as long as women so the woman will often be left alone.

You don’t realise how hard it will be until it’s too late and there’s no way back. That’s basically the answer.

Like some others, I find it hard to describe how life changing having a child has been for me and DH. The love that we feel for our DC is indescribable, it grows over time. Of course it is hard, and we have had many challenges (bad pregnancy, complete lack of support, bereavements, illness etc) but it really was the best decision to have the DC. We are probably sticking at one because of age and some of the factors above. I grew up in a large family where our parents couldn't really provide for all of us (time, money) and maybe they did regret some of the later kids tbh (and the youngest is aware of that).

@NotafanofmySIL it sounds like you have been a fantastic aunt! Adoption could be worth exploring, and would be just as life-changing and meaningful as having your own biological children.

The OP has started a thread telling us that the vast majority of people are mad for having children.

We’ve all taken the time to reply. What ever our reasons, don’t take the piss.

Every one of us has replied with good intentions to the OPs (which she has already judged us as being ‘bonkers’).

If you don't have children then eventually you get old, everyone around you dies and there is no fun of grandchildren, watching your own children grow into adults with their own lives etc.

I think I mentioned earlier - there's no guarantee of this. People move to different continents. Your children will have their own lives as adults that takes them miles away, and you may not be involved with grandchildren.