Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
OrigamiZoo · 13/01/2019 23:53

The love is boundless but so is the worry.

OMGafourth · 14/01/2019 00:13

I didnt want kids. My first was unplanned (I don't believe in abortion unless in certain circumstances, which these weren't eg health, rape.)
I fell in love with her instantly. Never regretted a single day of taking my pregnancy to term. I've since had 3 more children. I can't imagine life without them. Hard work, yes, tiring, yes, worth it, hell yes!

SingleDadReally · 14/01/2019 00:16

I suppose if you don’t want children you have to be in favour of a high level of immigration-otherwise who’s going to wipe your backside in an old people’s home when you’re 95??!!

PositivelyPERF · 14/01/2019 01:19

All of nature incorporates deviations from the norm.

Wow! Yet people thought the OP was insulting!

PositivelyPERF · 14/01/2019 01:19

who’s going to wipe your backside in an old people’s home when you’re 95??!!

Your child.

user1479487725 · 14/01/2019 02:03

Cab you imagine if you’re parents had the same opinion as you? You wouldn’t be here insulting other humans for doing what we’re suppose to do, procreate. It’s absolutly fine not wanting children but it’s not ok to give titles such as bonkers to people for having children. Like it’s the end of the days

ChristmasArmadillo · 14/01/2019 02:38

I had an amazing life before children, and yes, that life is technically ruined I suppose but I love and enjoy the new one so much more. I certainly loved them and strongly wanted them even before they were conceived and feel the same way about the ones we will have in the future. Everything is better when seen through their eyes and shared with them.

CoalTit · 14/01/2019 03:17

From the outside it resembles a drug addiction: it costs nothing to start the process; people get a lot of joy and excitment (and attention) from it, but then it takes over your life. If you're female it takes its toll on your body and can even kill you.
And one or two often aren't enough. As the buzz fades, people want another, and another. Then they have a houseful of teenagers they can't deal with.

GreatAuntMary · 14/01/2019 05:13

I agree with your sentiments, OP.

I never wanted children - and have never been happy with my mother's response to "Why did you have me?", which was "Don't be silly - that's what one does".

Quite a few of my friends who've had children have had serious detriment to lives and careers. Of course they said "I wouldn't want to be without them" but, now we're (much) older, they're admitting that if they went back they wouldn't choose to have had children.

Only occasionally having experienced the primal urge to get pregnant, and having had recourse to the best contraception, I haven't (thank heavens) suffered the dilemma involved in getting pregnant.

You're right, I feel: we really have to stop giving in to urges and media persuasion and having children/so many children. We're over-burdening the planet and, as someone (Victorian member of the aristocracy?) said: "The best thing we can do for our descendants is to limit the number of them".

Stifle the urge: get a pet, a new hobby, change your diet. Just don't have children for the sake of making you feel your life is worthwhile or validating your existence.

We don't need more children!

Seline · 14/01/2019 06:27

Stifle the urge: get a pet, a new hobby, change your diet. Just don't have children for the sake of making you feel your life is worthwhile or validating your existence

If someone wants to dedicate their lives to their children what's wrong with that?

JustJayne1959 · 14/01/2019 06:44

Wow… Yes, you are being unreasonable, but then not everyone is maternal. Some are more keen on holidays, going out when they want and enjoying their hard earned cash for themselves. Whereas I always wanted to be a mum, I babysat from the age of 11 and loved the company of other peoples' children. When my contraception failed at age 20 and I was pregnant (in an unstable relationship of two years) I was overwhelmed with love for the foetus growing inside me and when she was born, my god, I would have killed to protect her! That is almost 38 years ago and then 6 years later I did it again, she is 32 tomorrow and that love doubled in size when she was born.

I just don't get the whole, "why do it?" But as I said, I've always been maternal and I did it as a single mum! Just accept that everyone is different and move on, it's a bit like Marmite, you either love it or hate it (I'm the latter) but don't belittle those who do choose to be parents.
I have a friend who absolutely hates children, she would rather have her five cats, but she wouldn't hurt one or question others reasoning.

JustJayne1959 · 14/01/2019 06:46

Wow… getting a pet is just as time consuming! For gods sake don't get one if you can't give the time and love you would have to give a baby!

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:13

I honestly do not care what people’s reasons for not having children are. But please don’t tell me you know about being a parent without being one and somehow that informed your decision. Just don’t.
Let me tell you, you only understand what being a parent is when you become one. End of. Being friends with, having siblings or colleagues who are parents no. It doesn’t count.

OK. Let's try a different approach. I don't claim to know what being a parent is all about. However, I do think that I know enough about what it entails to know that it's not for me.

Breaking it down in to (just a small number) of simple components:

  • Do I want to get up at daft o'clock to feed?

  • Do I want to go through the process of finding a school place and making a sodding Harry Potter costume on World Book Day?

  • Do I want to go through the problems of adolescence and all its ups and downs?

  • Do I want to worry about which university or which apprenticeship will suit?

  • Do I want to get put on for childcare if my children were to have children?

  • Do I want to give up my 'shiny things' — as a PP referred to life's little luxuries?

Definitely NO: to each and every question.

Purely speaking for me here as doubtless others will have different motivations.

Mu argument is simply that I was armed with sufficient knowledge of parenthood to know that it wasn't the choice for me.

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:25

@missmouse101 — thank you for your kind words Blush

@lottapianos — thank your posts: it really is good the know that I'm not completely on my own

@PositivelyPERF — you're amazing. Thanks for 'keeping it real'.

And, for the record, I like children (in the main). I have been chief babysitter to a friend and colleague who travels with her job a lot. I've looked after her three regularly since the first was born (no, I don't get paid in case anyone wondered: she's an amazing friend). I'm one of
the few people that she trusts with the childrenh. The eldest is now 13 and they don't need me as much; I'll be redundant soon Sad

cuspish · 14/01/2019 07:26

Life is full of things that are simultaneously good and bad. Being a parent is a particularly intense one of those.

It also teaches you in a particularly intense way that this life is not just about you.

I’d rather have a life as full of possible of extreme love/worry than a life full of comfort, ease and selfish concerns.

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:27

If someone wants to dedicate their lives to their children what's wrong with that?

Absolutely nothing.

Am I OK to dedicate mine to having a blast?

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:28

I’d rather have a life as full of possible of extreme love/worry than a life full of comfort, ease and selfish concerns.

Perfect. But I wouldn't. And those differences are what makes the world Blush

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:29

And I think 'selfish' is a bit strong, by the way.

missmouse101 · 14/01/2019 07:30

@stevie69 - you're so welcome and l have been agreeing with every intelligent, calm and well considered word you have posted. If I had had a friend like you to talk to 20 years ago, my life would have been very different.

Seline · 14/01/2019 07:38

Absolutely nothing.

Am I OK to dedicate mine to having a blast?

Yes! There shouldn't be a war between people with kids and people without. It's a personal choice and neither is better or worse objectively, it's just personal preference.

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:38

I suppose if you don’t want children you have to be in favour of a high level of immigration-otherwise who’s going to wipe your backside in an old people’s home when you’re 95??!!

Do you know what? I haven't projected forward to being 95. Even if I had, I'd like to think that one of the reasons for choosing to have a child would not have been so it could 'wipe my backside' Hmm

cuspish · 14/01/2019 07:39

Fair enough stevie, fair enough x

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:40

Yes! There shouldn't be a war between people with kids and people without. It's a personal choice and neither is better or worse objectively, it's just personal preference.

Course it is Smile My arguments are all about defending my choices, not judging other people's.

SweetheartNeckline · 14/01/2019 07:41

JustJayne1959 pets are a big effort for sure but they don't require quite the same investment in their long-term emotional wellbeing and practical help with things like uni / jobs/ childcare. They also don't usually required you to get a much bigger home, to fund driving lessons and school holidays, or to find 24/7 childcare (perhaps a dog walker, granted!) for the first 11 years.

stevie69 · 14/01/2019 07:42

Fair enough stevie, fair enough x

Sorry Blush It's an emotive subject for me.

I value everyone's choices. Really.