To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

What about great grandmothers? Are they “allowed” to post?

🙄

@SerenDippitty sorry I feel like I'm singling you out, but the truth is for every person who posts as such on here there are many happy families

Exactly, @Eatmycheese Mumsnet can be depressing! That's because posters generally come on here to ask for help with family problems. People with positive family relationships don't normally tend to post threads about them.

I never really get the point of threads like these and when they get to the population thing I kind of give up.

Having a dependent (I have 1) is relentless, much the same as being a carer is and the duty of looking after old people generally falls on female offspring. There’s a little thing called love which helps though. The love ypu give and the love you get. It IS different to the love you might feel for friends or a spouse and it often lasts longer.

OP I would stop giving so much of a shit about it if I were you. What’s the point in letting this stuff fill space in your head when there are so many other more enjoyable things you could be thinking about.

Yrs you are unreasonable period. And that's putting it politley

AIBU to ask why you would choose to post this here, in a mums group instead of asking a therapist this? Did you need to call us all “bonkers”? Have you asked yourself why you have done that? Do you need convincing? Reassurance? Is something missing?

I think you asking this question in this particular forum says more about your state of mind than you would like to believe.

FFS, so sick of the repeated questions about why OP posted on mumsnet. Mumsnet is for all sorts of interested people who have found their way here by all sorts of means. I discovered Mumsnet by looking for a soup recipe. It's been a very interesting post to read.

OP, please don't have children. If you don't get it, if you don't feel the desire, it's perfectly fine not to have children. Whatever people might tell you, it's most likely that you won't regret having children! My mother made the mistake to go along with expectations of her MIL but didn't feel the 'urge'. She just couldn't deal with it. She absolutely hated feeling trapped, felt overwhelmed by needs of a child and she became aggressive and abusive as a result. I moved out at 14 and in less than a week she was another person, happy, full of life. We stayed very loosely in contact, and when I told her I was struggling to conceive, she only said: oh don't mind, it's so nice not having kids. I now have 2 dc and it's the first time in my life I feel truly happy and fulfilled, and while it's hard work raising kids I wouldn't change a bit. But this joy doesn't come automatically with the arrival of a baby. You have to genuinely long for it, otherwise it will be misery for you and the dc.

That you wont regret * not having children!

There is a reason it’s called mums net, it was originally created for mums to support one another. The fact you found a soup recipe here is irrelevant. Of course, this is not to discriminate, but would you go into Manchester United’s forum and ask why they don’t support Chelsea? She’s looking for a reaction, end of.

But if you decide not to have any, you'll be absolutely fine - just make sure you plan your old age care in detail!

That should apply to everyone surely, children or no children. No guarantees or what the future holds and if adult children would even be in a position to care for parents.

Of course, this is not to discriminate

Bollocks!

I didn't want children, liked them but didnt want them. Got pregnant by mistake so well had to accept it. Went on to have another and yes they are the hardest thing ever. Grown up to be lovely adults and I love them but if I had my time over again I would not have children.

My 20s and 30s were pretty miserable, angry, resentful, toiling away at a job I enjoyed but didn't love. Awful love life, just dire in every way. I just hadn't found my calling in any area of my life. I thought I never wanted children. I never cooed over babies when they were brought into work. But actually, deep down I assumed I'd never ever have a chance (due to awful love life) to so rather then anybody feel sorry for me, told people I never wanted them. I was famously children avoiding.

Then age 39, wham, pregnant.

I now have meaning to my life. I love my children and get love back in a way that has totally transformed me as a person.

I cry when I watch Call the Midwife. I love babies.
I'm a childminder too.

When I think about great love, it was never a man for me, it has been my children. I feel blessed in a way that means whatever shit comes my way (and there has been a lot) I look at my kids and think the world is simply a better place with them in it.

OP honestly, just go on one of the thousands of childfree groups on Facebook, natalists views are disgusting, saying only people who bred their own offspring know ‘real love’, people not grasping the huge difference between ‘childless’ and ‘childfree’, etc. Ugh.

Also, why can people not cope with threads NoT AbOuT MuMmieS on MUMSNET wehhhhh😄😄😄have a browse of the topics, they’re not all about wiping arses and schools.

Because the best things in life are usually the hardest.

Becoming a mum is the most difficult yet most amazing thing I've ever experienced and I wouldnt change it for the world. You can't understand the feeling of what it's like to have children until you have them yourself. I never wanted children, and spent the best part of my 20's being asked about of we were going to have a baby, and couldn't understand why anyone would want one, but my partner did, and once I'd come around to the idea and my maternal instincts kicked in and it was all I could think about. My children are my absolute world, and no amount of money, job opportunities, expensive holidays/experiences could outweigh my desire to love them and and be a mother to them. The feeling is simply unexplainable. But it is the best.

I browse mumsnet for parking threads and neighbourhood disputes - and glad I gave neither problem! Great way to count your blessings.

@evenbetter is everything alright?

The point that people are making here isn't that there are posters who don't have DC on Mumsnet (whether you call yourselves 'childless' or 'childfree', I think it's sad that labels are necessary actually). It's the obviously goady nature of the thread, calling parents bonkers for having decided to have DC. This is supposed to be a forum that is meant to be supportive of parents.

Aside from this thread, it's actually very interesting to have all sorts of people participating in discussions on here, whether parents or not.

It seems a fairly basic tenet of evolution to be driven to ensure your genes continue to exist after your death. All living things have this compunction, even plants.

I browse mumsnet for parking threads

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3478660-Upstairs-neighbours-blocking-the-porch-with-their-car

You’re welcome. 😁

It seems a fairly basic tenet of evolution to be driven to ensure your genes continue to exist after your death. All living things have this compunction, even plants.

So are those that don’t want to a freak of nature?

This is a funny thread for MN. All I can say is I was bonkers before I had children, all four of them, but I’d be even more bonkers if I hadn’t shared my life with them. Yes, it’s hard work and expensive, it’s also a huge amount of fun. While having children was the right thing for me, I accept it’s not for everyone.

It is very much each to there own . Myself as a person I am meant to be a mother and I have been three times over the eldest being 23 . Mine have been born in quite different circumstances but I have in general felt very lucky to have them and watch them grow and experience them growing up.
I have a wide range off friends some off which have undergone ivf ( brutal from an outsiders perspective) many times to have children and others who have reached there 30’s 40’s 50 ‘s etc without children and don’t appear to have any regret .
I do remember though going out with a meal with 3 other couples who myself and my husband had known for years and all three other couples in late 30,s to mid 40 ‘s were childless .
It until that night was an unspoken about subject really and we had assumed that none of them wanted children but actually when the subject was brought up all three had tried for children and it had not happened and all three had decided not to go down the ivf route as they were happy if it happened but equally happy if it didn’t .
If I’m being completely honest I do think you miss out on a love like no other if you don’t have children however you also don’t have for me anyway the constant worry and anxiety that happens when you love someone so much.
In my life I was meant to have children and I am very grateful that I did .. this is likely so much as it took 4 years to have my 3 rd so it wasn’t always taken for granted.

....a freak of nature.....??certainly not. All of nature incorporates deviations from the norm. If it didn’t, evolution wouldn’t progress.