To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

And @stopitandtidyupp so your hunches were right. So what?
For the purposes of this discussion you are a parent, it's the ones who are saying they know how it is but aren't

But when stopit was without children she was saying she had a fair idea of what it would be like, and her experience is that it was an accurate one.

Some parents have no clue and are shocked by how hard it is. So,e parents are like stopit and find it's ok. Surely everyone is different? So,e people who choose not to have children do so because they do get how hard it is and choose not to have that for their lives. So how can you say they don't understand? It's a ridiculous argument.

Anyway, @Lottapianos Thank you.

I’m struggling to understand the point in this post tbh, if you don’t want children, then don’t have them? Why feel the need to insult parents by calling them ‘bonkers’ because they’ve chosen something different from yourself? I don’t want a cat. That doesn’t mean that I think people who do have cats are ‘bonker’s, or whatever else. Everyone is entitled to their own choice, and for some it isn’t always a choice when it comes to having children, and sadly that works both ways.

Throughout most of my 20’s I always thought I didn’t want children. Then I met my husband, and that changed. We now have an amazing and beautiful 2 year old, who I would die for. At that point did I think people who had children were mad? Probably, I watched my best friend struggle as a single parent. Did I come onto a forum titled ‘Mumsnet’, and attempt to offend the majority of the people the forum is named after? No.

YANBU to not want children, not everyone does.

YABU to call out people who do.

Go and take your millions and enjoy yourself, instead of wasting time posting pointless posts to attempt to guilt trip people who have children!

I used to work in care homes when I was a student, just evenings and weekends to earn money to go out and buy books etc. I never met a person at the end of their lives say that they regretted their decision to have a family and talk about what they missed out on. I did however, meet a handful of elderly people who deeply regretted never having become parents themselves. One lady held my hand whilst she was dying and told me that she'd had a wonderful life, but without children it had been empty and for the most part, meaningless.

Why come and comment on mumsnet? You have no children nor intend or want children nor have any interest in them so I find it strange and provocative that you would post something like this ?! Each to their own as far as having children is concerned but maybe don’t be such a twat as to post on here .

Sorry.... think my internet connection's playing up. 🙈

My children (all now teenagers) are difficult, expensive, hard work, exhausting, complicated, emotionally draining, etc, etc, etc (toddlers are brilliant full stop, though). They are also the best things in my life by about 1,000.000 light years. I thought I loved their father, but I knew nothing until I had them. Nothing else compares. Hope that helps to explain, OP.

Honestly? If I'd have known how relentless and largely thankless it actually was then I wouldn't have had them.

I stopped at two - I still believed the 'it gets better' stuff when I decided to conceive DC2.

I mourn the person I used to be and the life I used to have.

Just dropping in to wonder why op is on mumsnet in the first place?!

I unexpectedly became pregnant. I didn't want to have kids. I was moving up fast in a competitive career. As dad wanted no parenting role I had to make choices early on. By the time DC was 2.5 I'd left my jobd moved

I just spent an evening dancing around in PJs with my DD, singing loudly, laughing hysterically, watching her with tremendous pride and absolute joy.

That far outweighs the bad side of parenting.

Personally I'd never heard of mumsnet before being pregnant as I had no use for anything parental so I do find strange that someone who isn't a parent is on here!

Even more strange to come on to a parenting website and and say parents are bonkers for having children?? Isn't this a form of trolling??

Oh blx! So long and short: children utterly change your life whether yr a m or a w. But W's beware: you will suffer the financial consequences every time. And they are HUGE. I reckon I've lost £500,000 from having a child alone.
Don't care. Love her

Was the OP saying it was bonkers, or asking? I think she's prob considering whether she should have any herself

I kind of agree with most of what she's said, and this was just how I felt right up until when I got accidentally pregnant (to DH) then miscarried quite late. After that I was desperate to have kids. Fortunately I finally managed one (but have had to stop there, for the same reasons OP mentioned)

One reason that I now see to having kids is that I think my 30s-50s without kids could be fun, but I suspect once I got older than that I would start to feel lonely, and family helps counteract that.

@Ichabod2000
You’re posting on a parenting forum about how much fulfilling and happy your life is without kids!!
Don’t have kids if you’re that selfish but why do you need to state this on Mumsnet.
Why don’t you post on “ I hate kids.com”

To anyone who doesn’t have children and that has an issue with what I have written. I’m not judging or attacking you. Or putting you. Not in the least. I am sure and I hope you do have good fulfilled lives.
I’m merely stating what is a fact.
Unless you are a parent you do not know what it means to be one.

How could you?

I was fairly late having children so know what an adult life without them feels like but as soon as they were here I knew what I had thought about the prior to this was merely a whisper of what they are and what they represent.

Yeah. But what fun:) Would never go back and undo it all.

If no one had babies then the world would have no people left in it after some time! Anything worth doing well is hard work but having a child is wonderful and stops you thinking of number one, and how number one feels all the time, best thing me and DH ever did, our social life is so full because of our DD!

Because loneliness. Partners, friends and even family come and go but you'll always have your kids.

Why have kids? They bring you joy.

But if you decide not to have any, you'll be absolutely fine - just make sure you plan your old age care in detail!

Because loneliness. Partners, friends and even family come and go but you'll always have your kids.

I think that’s debatable judging by the number on here who are NC with parents.

"For me though, I saw the difficult stages of baby and toddlerhood to be got through before getting the older children and adult children that I really wanted. They are young for such a little time really, it’s all been more than worth it.

Children give you the lowest of lows but also the highest of highs, and I’m honoured to be experiencing all this other people wont."

This, with bells on. Never wanted babies, but sort of wanted a family. Spent my entire first pregnancy in total denial. Couldn't look at babies. Ended up nuts about my own babies, but still have little interest in anyone else's. They're 11 and 15 now. It's been hideous at times. Occasionally amazing. But it's always, from the minute DD1 first put in my arms, been absolutely the right thing to have done.

I always maintain I'd have found a way to be just as happy without kids. But would have spent my life quietly wondering what it might have been like...

It’s what humans are driven to do, usually. If you don’t have the urge to become a parent, then you just won’t get it if you are told how it feels.

@speakout aww that's lovely and exactly how I feel.....had my LG at 38 and I'm now 40. Travelled the world did many amazing things, but having a child is such a gift like nothing else x

Yep parenting is hard etc and all the negative things you mention but some people have a primal urge to have children, I guess I did. Though having children is the hardest thing you can do at times it’s also brought me more love and happiness than anything else could.

Nothing comes close.

If you don’t want children don’t have them. You sound like you’ve got life all figured out and are very happy, good for you, stay as you are.

Er, isn't this Mumsnet? For er mums (and grannies). Not sure why you would post on here if the prospect of kids is so hideous for you. 🤔