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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
Absinthfox · 13/01/2019 18:03

i had mine relatively young (1st at 26, 2nd at 28) and i'm currently 32. yes, it is quite difficult, especially when there is no family to help you out.
yes, parenting is relentless and childcare is soul-destroying-expensive, but... it transformed my life.
I am studying part-time for my third degree, I have two very satisfying part-time jobs, I read a lot and just basically became really good at not procrastinating the shizz out of my life. I cant afford to spend hours shopping or scrolling instagram, but I hear my same-age-friends that do not have kids, always complain how tired/broke/busy they are. So i guess the problem is not the kids, but your own attitude.
parenting also allowed me to reevaluate my own standards and values in life. I became less selfish, less self-centered, more patient, more tolerant and i just want to be a better human being.
and finally, i now know how amazing mom's love is, no words would do its justice. it's just a fantastic, like you've unlocked a secret additional level in the game of life.
this all is just my humble opinion, of course!

Oliversmumsarmy · 13/01/2019 18:03

I had friends who have no children.

On the face of it they have everything, money, great jobs, holidays abroad and dinner parties or parties every weekend.

Problem is they are in their 60s and I think to get through their lives they drink too much.

All have had warnings from their doctors.

All have liver problems. A few didn’t make it this far.

I actually think it is quite sad

stopitandtidyupp · 13/01/2019 18:03

That’s what life is about to me. It is hard being a parent - and of course you don’t know what’s it’s like until you are on

I despair!

Sb74 · 13/01/2019 18:04

Read posts that some people without kids think they know what it’s like to have kids. Ha ha ha. No. I’m sorry you have no idea. You make think you do but no. No matter what your experience of kids or how many nieces you’ve got nothing the same. I’m aware of what many jobs are but until I do one I have no idea what they’re like. Same for the toughest but best job of all raising people. It’s amazing.

stopitandtidyupp · 13/01/2019 18:05

Read posts that some people without kids think they know what it’s like to have kids. Ha ha ha. No. I’m sorry you have no idea

And another one! Dear me!

MaeBug · 13/01/2019 18:06

Form your opinion whichever way you like OP, but until you feel a tiny, pudgy little finger sneak up your nostril at 3am and you think 'i grew that', and you're taken by an overwhelming sense of love and pride you'll never know if people with children are 'bonkers' or not. As a woman with a 9 month old child, i've obviously spent the vast majority of my life childless and until she was born had no idea of the incredible joy that one small person could bring, to me and my husband and our families. Each to their own, but i definitely, wholeheartedly and 100% prefer life with her around.

busyhonestchildcarer · 13/01/2019 18:07

I agree its an odd post. I had fertility problems and as soon as I was told this I knew I really wanted children.I had gynae problems from quite young .So once I married we tried.We kept trying for five years .Both absolutely joyful and at times bloody hard.But part of us and part of our future.The joy of knowing we have our two wonderful girls and all the years together is lovely xx

Littlenic73 · 13/01/2019 18:08

I'm a little mystified as to why you would sign up for this website if you never intend to have children.
It's not compulsory, so don't have them. However as to everyone being bonkers, that would put your parents in the same bracket. We can't all be bonkers. Plus there are plenty of people who have no children who are most definitely bonkers and don't have children as it would mess with their medication. Someone will need to be around in future if we are all to retire and it would be nice if some of them had skills and talents that may help us. It would also be nice to think that the things we are working hard saving up for would go to someone we love when we die. Most people are oblivious to the stress and tiredness when they first plan children, they assume it is a short phase that will pass (eg first 3 months).

Sb74 · 13/01/2019 18:08

Stop - don’t know what your problem is but it’s true. How arrogant to think you know what it’s like to do something you have never done. If you don’t have kids you are cluesness about parenting. You can add your smug comments all you like but it’s true.

TerriTummyTowels · 13/01/2019 18:12

However I am sticking with one as I find that this enables me to get the joys of parenting without being overwhelmed and exhausted

I've found having two much easier in the long run. Rather than the first one constantly nagging me, a sibling has given them someone else to bicker and hang out with while I drink wine and read books

LoveBeingAMum555 · 13/01/2019 18:13

I look at my sons, aged 18 and 20, doing well in their lives, happy and settled and following their own interests and I think, yeah it was definitely worth it. I have invested a huge amount of time, money and love in these two but now I have time for myself again and the freedom to do things that i want to do. Being a parent is never easy, and I respect anyone's choice to not have children, but I feel blessed to be a Mum.

londonroad · 13/01/2019 18:17

OP I think you will regret your decision in your senior years. Family is everything.

pinkstripeycat · 13/01/2019 18:21

I have had jobs I have loved. Now I have children I have a job I hate but the hours fit around my children (am currently retraining to one that fits even better around children and that I know I will enjoy). The job I adore the most is being at home with my children but you don’t get paid for that. I don’t have any less money having children than I did before. When I was younger I went out partying a lot and had no money. Having children is brilliant especially now mine are older. We all do loads as a family and have lots of laughs

coshol · 13/01/2019 18:23

Having a child has opened up a world for me I’d never have been a part of. And I love it.

savagebaggagemaster · 13/01/2019 18:23

Didn't Robert Winston say that our life carries on after death - in the genes of our children?

Sb74 · 13/01/2019 18:25

I’m sure it would be an easy life for someone who chooses to be without kids. Yes you have all your money to spend, all the time in the world, you do what you want- no one else to consider. I would hate that life. I work hard to provide for my family, with my hubby. Everything I do is for my family. I love days out, holidays etc with my family. I would rather be with my kids and hubby than anyone else. We all love each other unconditionally and that’s amazing. Worth everything you give it.

Notreallyhappy · 13/01/2019 18:25

Imo yes I have a wonderful son but give me the choice and there be no little loves at all.
They take up all your time energy & money...I love him but it's a thankless job

SkinnyPete · 13/01/2019 18:26

The universe created itself in a way that life could generate and propogate/procreate. The decision not to procreate is a very recent phenomenon, based on the artificial constructs that modern human society has given us. Maybe it's an evolutionary reaction to an over populated, way too complex society that makes procreation a harder, less meaningful objective.

To answer the question. On this planet, in this society, probably yes. Enlightened you are Smile. Disclosure...I'm a parent.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 13/01/2019 18:26

You can add your smug comments all you like but it’s true.

You're accusing someone of being smug? Really? Have you read your post.
In the last 20 years I've endured smug, sanctimonious and downright insulting and hurtful comments from parents because my body failed to do what theirs did.

My husband was almost driven out of his job as a primary school teacher because of a group of women who thought that a childless, male (and black) primary school teacher was unnatural. That, along with the fact that after four failed IVF attempts there was no hope for us to have a child, caused him to kill himself.

I have been called bitter and not a proper woman by one of my own employees recently. She is no longer an employee.

Esspee · 13/01/2019 18:26

If I had my life over again I would keep taking the pill. It's not that I don't love mine but in hindsight life would have been better if I had remained childless.

Putthekettleonplease · 13/01/2019 18:28

I have three.

And your correct. It was bonkers.

StoneofDestiny · 13/01/2019 18:29

Got children, worked full time, holidayed abroad often and still have a good social life.
My work was more far more exhausting and stressful than my children by some distance - but having children kept me seeing a point to 'sticking at it'.
It's satisfying to know that if you raise your children correctly they will ensure a better world - and be around to make sure other people are taken care of in their old age, wether childfree or parents.

stopitandtidyupp · 13/01/2019 18:30

Stop - don’t know what your problem is but it’s true. How arrogant to think you know what it’s like to do something you have never done. If you don’t have kids you are cluesness about parenting. You can add your smug comments all you like but it’s true.

I imagined what it was like and it was! It really isn't rocket Science.

greeneyedlulu · 13/01/2019 18:30

I love being a mother but the world needs women like you to or we would be over populated.

I find it slightly more bizarre that you're on mumsnet

Sb74 · 13/01/2019 18:32

Leigh- smug to think someone knows what it’s like to be a parent when they haven’t been one. Nothing to do with why people aren’t parents. I have nothing but sympathy for people who struggle. My sister had IVF. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband and upset you have gone through. Xx