To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

Why be on a site for mums if you don't want children. I tried for years to have a baby and we were finally blessed last year with our beautiful son. I don't think there is anything more rewarding than being a parent.

*thought, not though. Typing without my glasses 🙄

Biology innit.

What about people who would like kids but never got the chance?

I have 2 kids and am really happy - I genuinely love my life and the soul my children bring to it. But yes, I totally get what you're saying.

It's interesting that some people assume the choice not to have children is a financial one - the need to consume and have sparkly things. Obviously it does give you more disposable income, but for me it was deeper than that.

I know I would resent the expectations placed on me as the mother, I have a chronic illness that can be all consuming, I struggle with any lack of headspace, and as a teacher I feel that I'm still involved with children and contributing to their lives, even if it is totally different to parenthood.

That said, I see how happy my friends are made by their children, and that makes me happy too. It's just not for me.

Ichabod I'm with you on this - at age 59 and childfree by choice I browse Mumsnet with a sense of schadenfreude. I know loads of people love their children and find them fulfilling - and that's lovely for them, and rather necessary for the human race as a whole - I'm grateful that others have made a different choice from me. I also read a lot about the all-consuming nature of parenthood, the sacrifices made, the struggles to afford stuff, the selflessness of it all, people who find their entire lives subsumed into caring for their offspring, the horrible things that can happen during the teen years, the ingratitude of some adult children etc. etc.

Yes, many people have a positive parenting experience - some throughout, some during the tiny/toddler/child/teen/young adult (pick one!) years. Some parents maintain wonderful relationships with their children right up until old age - but many don't.

Not having a maternal bone in my body (unless you're a puppy!) I'm very happy with the choice I made. A friend of mine once said to me years ago that I was a fool for not having kids - who was going to look after me when I got old? 40 years later, he's dead, having not seen his 2 sons for the previous 20 years.

The fact is, you can't generalise - but having children was not a risk I wanted to take, and not something I felt compelled to do. Each to their own.

I kinda see your point
I was adamant that i never wanted Children then one day boom out of nowhere i had this urge, so did but only had the one DS and honestly it hasn't changed my life in a negative way only in a positive way.

I could have written this post myself. I was just having this same discussion with my OH last night. I am 32, I have a great career which I have worked hard on for the past 4/5 years and we own our dream house. He is 6 years older, has a great career too and is of the same mindset of not having children. We have a good holiday every year and money spare for hobbies/home improvements/social activities.

I have never been maternal and have a disability which could be passed down to any future children I may have, so I guess that is a pretty big deciding factor in itself. Above all though, I like being selfish and being able to do as I please.

People I work with in a predominantly female workplace always speak of how tiring it is. How they fall out with their partners/husbands over parenting disagreements or not doing their fair share. They moan about not getting enough sleep or the cost of childcare just to be able to go to work. They spend most of their weekends going to children's parties or soft play areas and not wanting to be there. Quite frankly all of it was massively off putting even if I didn't want children anyway.

I do wonder what people see as the 'benefits' of having children. For me, looking after you when you get older and having children to leave an inheritance to are the only stand out things I can see.

I almost posted, word for word, this today. As I watch my friends at various stages at parenthood, the love - as strong as it is - just doesn't seem to balance out the negatives to me. Add that to a general disinterest in children and an awareness that the world is pretty horrible and I can't see myself doing it - but wonder if one day I too will be hit with that need to have them. And I hope not.

My first wasn’t planned so I didn’t make a decision and I know categorically I’d have been happy had I not had him too. However he’s here and so is my daughter, who came along later, planned.

They’re older now and everything which was put on hold for a few years is now past for the most. It really isn’t s long time in your life where you’re tied and now I have people who I can do much more fun things with than the random friends I may’ve had. I love being with my family, they’re interesting and fun. I don’t regret being tied with young kids because what I have now is so much better than just dh and mates.

I totally agree with you OP. It wasn't until I had my daughter that I realised I could have been just as happy without children, just in a different way. I wouldn't swap her for anything now, and I'm overwhelmingly glad I had her, but there's no doubt that objectively everything else in my life is a little bit worse/harder than it was before I had her!

But I'm still happier overall, and mentally much healthier. I have a better attitude to work/life balance, I enjoy the small things much more, I'm happier in my marriage and the love for your child is something you don't experience elsewhere (though I don't think that makes it "the best love" or the only love that matters - it's just different).

I agree itchabod2000. The amount of parents who complain about the amount of time, effort, money their children take from them amazes me. Hardly a day passes without hearing how hard it is to juggle work, childcare and cost. Why on earth do people have children when either can't afford to or want to continue/progress a career. There does seem to be an expectation that other people are duty bound to sort these issues out for them at the cost of others eg taxpayers or family members. Of course there will be those who scream parents have to work to meet cost of housing etc. but would everything be as costly if people didn't have money to pay for it all. I am not advocating no people should have children but that some should seriously consider their ability to accept full responsibility for bringing a human into the world.

The sleep gets better.
The money situation improves. Usually.
They don’t go to soft plays and parties for too long.
They stop having tantrums.
They usually grow up to be lovely, interesting people and you have a hand in that. I find it fascinating to watch my children grow and develop and to introduce them to new stuff and to teach them new things.

I have said this before, and you can see it on this thread. Yes, the newborn stage is exhausting and the baby stage can be too. But they grow up, you can go on holidays with them, do interesting stuff WITH them, rediscover things with them. To me that’s the joy of having kids.

It is very tough...but very worth it.

It’s all just biology imo

I felt a burning desire to have kids. I did not care about my career being trashed.

Even if a person doesn’t feel this, and then they get pregnant accidentally or because they think they ought to, then once the baby is born, the mother will still have the biological programming to protect and love the baby like a lioness.

If you don’t feel this way, you don’t have to have kids. People who have the primal urge that they could not have ignored will often not understand your point of view.

Yes we are damaging the planet unfortunately.

I agree with you entirely. It's utter insanity. If nothing in you is ticking, count all your lucky stars, line up your shiny blessings in a shiny row, and move forth into a peaceful, prosperous life.

I love my boy with every fibre of my being but CHRIST. Yes. It is bonkers.

I agree 100% ,I never wanted to have children,had lots of friends,interests,a good job and and went to the college in the evenings,we travelled a lot.It was full on but I was happy and never felt the need to have a child.I worked in childcare and could see parents struggle,even those who had a lots o help available.My husband really wanted to have a baby (he had no idea what it involved) and talked me into having a baby.My son is now 6 years old and I love him to bits but the first 3 years were such a struggle,trying to juggle work/house chores/relationship is not easy. We don't have any family around to rely on so it was physically and mentally exhausting.I had to give up lots if things and didn't have any time to myself. So if you feel you're happy with your life and have no urge to have kids then don't :-) and enjoy the freedom x

I knew I wanted babies when I was practically still a baby myself. Literally, I knew that when I was a toddler. It's an urge you either feel or don't, and for me it was early and powerful. I think for other people it's more of an intellectual decision -- an assumption that the love will come when the baby arrives, which it usually does, luckily. And for others the urge comes, but later in life. If you don't feel it, don't feel like you should, or like you are missing out.

Vive la difference.

I’ll be honest. Hated kids before I had any, new boyfriend 18 years ago had kids. I wasn’t aware of them at first. Only after he decided I was not destined to be a one night stand did he tell me about them. I still hated kids at this point. Could never see myself as a mum to anyone but my cats. A few years into our relationship, I fell pregnant while on the pill, and I thought oh. A couple of weeks later I lost the baby. Was crushed. So a couple of years after that we tried for our first child as a couple. He’s almost 10 now. Beautiful blue eyed boy with the worlds longest and thickest eyelashes. Was diagnosed autistic at the age of 4. Challenging, life changing, stressful yet wonderful..,, you get my drift. Couple of years later got preggo on the pill again.., clearly not a wise bc choice there..,. Sadly lost that baby too. Then tried straightaway for another, my second baby born almost 4 years ago... lovely, lively, smart, beautiful..., who’s looking to be soon diagnosed with autism too... meanwhile lovely boyfriend 18 years down the line diagnosed with MS. Life is hard now, and expensive, and tiring. I don’t have much help from outside the home. Previous to the illness their dad would take them out, take one to school while I had a lovely sleep. If I didn’t have my children, I would have left by now and tried to have a life. But it is what it is. Sometimes shamefully I wish I hadn’t had children. But I don’t regret having them. They are truly lovely.

There does seem to be an expectation that other people are duty bound to sort these issues out for them at the cost of others eg taxpayer

An ageing population would hurt the economy far more

I am much happier now I have a child than I was without them. I was self destructive, reckless, wild and up and down like a yo yo. Now I have my daughter I am more balanced, less selfish and more content. I have not regretted having her for even a second since she was born. Totally respect your choice but it was the right decision for me.

I think people who don’t want kids are bonkers. That’s what life is about to me. It is hard being a parent - and of course you don’t know what’s it’s like until you are one- but it’s amazing and I feel sorry for people who don’t have them and I feel they are missing out. I think those people who choose not to have a family are potentially quite selfish people because life is not about to you when you have kids. You have to be selfless and put others before you all the time and I guess that’s not for everyone. I think parents are ace. And if it wasn’t for people wanting to have kids they’d be no population at all. It’s hard but things worthwhile are. We can still
Moan as much as we love it.

OP you made me chuckle, as although yes I made sacrifices ie my career and sleep due to crying when they were babies, prodding you when they were toddlers/young kids and then through general worry about their health, education, mental well being, social life etc etc for rest of their lives, I still think my children are the best decision I ever made! I know that is a cliche but putting aside the love I have for them and the love they have given me, I've also had a really awesome time attending events such as Magic Christmas houses, disneyland, craft workshops, kids shows, escape the rooms, festivals, exhibitions, adventure parks and lots more. I enjoyed meeting some really lovely women and men and also enjoyed taking the piss out of the mums mafia and the uber competitive parents. It has been hard but also a lot of fun. I don't think I would have had done half these things without kids as a lot of it requires having a kid in tow!

Reading MN does make parenthood sound awful but that's largely because we are seeking help and support when things go wrong or we are worrying too much. I never go on mumsnet to talk about the joys!

Its a personal choice. Have a child or don't have a child. Whatever!

There is a reason why babies are born as babies and not as teenagers. The human race would have died out if it were the latter. I am at a stage of my life where I think that people having kids is bonkers. I’m sure that will change again as mine leave their teens.....