To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

I never quite got the argument "people only do it because they don't realise it involves hard work". In that case it would be equally silly to take on a demanding career, train as an athlete or travel off the beaten path. In fact, anything except the least demanding job would be silly.

I had children because I knew it would involve hard work. Just like an athlete who enjoys pushing themselves with physical exercise or somebody who wants to see how far up a mountain they can come. I wanted to come to a point in midlife where I could stop and look back and feel with a sense of satisfaction "Pheww, that was hard work- but I did it".

If I hadn't done that, I would have pushed myself harder in my career. But the idea of working less hard really doesn't appeal to everybody.

PregnantSea, I have never known anyone who made the choice not to have children say they regret that choice but have had many mothers and fathers say if they could go back in time they would not have children.

I find that difficult to believe, to be honest. "Many" people say they wish they hadn't had kids? Who are you hanging out with?

grin well said. Some parents seem to think we have never met a child before

Really?
So once you’ve met one man you know exactly what it’s like to love with that man and spend your life with him.

Got pregnant totally by accident just before my 40th birthday. I’d never wanted children and couldn’t really understand the urge people talk about. I figured this pregnancy was here for a reason so I carried on with it. DP wasn’t desperate for children and left the decision to me. Now DD is 5 and I can honestly say she is the only person I would die for.

We are happy as a family unit of 3 but I wish I’d had DD when I was 38 and then I would have tried for another baby immediately after. With my age being what it was, the worry about abnormalities was too high for me consider having a second. Before I’d had a child I would never have imagined I would have felt like this.

Having said all this, my life was so much easier and more comfortable before DD. I really do miss my child free days but I also know if I had a lot of family support it would far easier. Both of my parents are dead and DP’s live 3 hours away. Living close by to grandparents who want to be involved and maybe care for the grandchildren overnight would mean DP and I would get breaks and this would so enhance our lives.

Having children brings many rewards but at cost. It just depends if you think it’s worth it.

My DC make me madder than anyone else ever would/could (except maybe my sister) BUT they make me smile and laugh a million times more.
I think as parents a lot of time is spent looking forward to the next stage. When they're babies you look forward to sleep, when they're toddlers you look forward to not having your house trashed, when they're pre-schoolers you look forward to them being at school....but at every stage I've have stop myself and remind myself of what I love about them right now. My Ds was quite a monkey during the toddler years and a bit after but despite all the moments of silence when you know some calamity is about to befall you, he made me laugh and was so loveable and cheeky that it made up for it. Mine are 8 and 12 now and I had a real moment on holiday when they were playing together and having more independence than they would be at home ...and I wanted to freeze frame and stop the clock. It really made me think we might only have 4 or 5 more holidays together before the eldest want to go off on their own and that made me feel quite sad.

Strange thing to say on a parenting site.

Stevie69 and Lottapianos, with due respect, if you've not got children, you don't really have a clue!! But you won't know that until/unless you do! Which is fine! (But it is quite annoying when people without kids think they know all about what being a parent is about)

@TooMuchWorkToday

Agree

But TooMuchWorkToday, that could be said about any other decision in life: from joining the army to riding through outer Mongolia on a motorbike or having lesbian/hetero sex (whichever you don't happen to fancy). No, I don't know what those things would be like. No, I don't know what I'm missing. But that goes for any one of a million other ways I could also do with my life. The important thing is finding out what you do want to do with your life and go for that.

If somebody came up to you and said "you just don't know what you're missing, not riding through Mongolia on a motorbike/not having steamy lesbian sex" (assuming that is not to your taste), you'd think they were a bit mad, wouldn't you? And the same of course (yes, OP) goes for coming up to somebody to tell them how bonkers they were to be having lesbian sex when that clearly wasn't that attractive (to them).

@corythatwas

Oh come on. The example you give are one off experiences.

Parenting, for the first few years at the very least, is a full on all consuming experience - both practically and emotionally.

Riding a motorbike? Joining the army? Are these things are you can leave at any time you want.

Corythatwas - you've lost me slightly with the sex thing but if someone can up to me and told me what an amazing time they'd had in Mingolia, I'd acknowledge knowing nothing about it and eagerly here more :) sounds great! I'm already imagining actually what a fabulous trip that could be :) please tell me more :) perhaps when in rich I could go there!! :)

I'm not really sure I see your argument though!

I think you're right op - rationally. I didn't have much of an urge but it was there a little and I worried I'd leave it too late. Only planned for one but have two now. It is a totally different life and I miss many of the good things like more money/time/energy/sleep/holiday/nicer figure. I could go on!
If I'd not had kids though I'm not sure what is do with myself! Sleep a lot more probably!
I think it's surprising so many people are still having kids and I think one rather than two may get a lot more common in future.

Joining the army? Are these things are you can leave at any time you want.

You cant leave the army anytime you want.

I was going to put his much I love my children and how wonderful it is to have kids and then saw my 4 year old trying to get something out of her drink, it was her toy dog that you put in water to make bigger 🙈 so yeah wonderful

If you don't get it, don't thave any. Simple really

It’s the whole point of everything. The must rewarding and valuable of struggles. Or if you like choose self absorption and endless consumption,, when shiny things are no longer interesting and your orange skin is hanging off of your skinny arse, you’ll regret that there is nothing left to enjoy. Who honestly would chose a life without magic, giv

Your body and your choice. Bit of an odd thing to read on mumsnet tbf 😆

I'm much, much happier now I have children.

But I started having them at 19, and I had a shit/no life before then anyway. Nothing to miss. I wasn't a party animal so don't miss that. I'm a total homebody so don't mind that I'm at home all the time. I had no family that loved me and that's what I wanted. It's been a hard slog to get here but life is much better now!

A life without magic? If kids are the only way to experience ‘magic’ or meaning, then I guess there’s no point in great art, or music, or seeing actors bring a show to life. Or pushing yourself to the limit physically. Or experiencing amazing events in nature. There really are other ways to experience meaning in life.

You'll either feel the natural urge to have children or your won't.
Not everyone is cut out to be a parent and I guess it's nature's way of selection and keeping the planet's population down - you need people like us and we need people like you, don't fester over it.

Yes

But I need someone to wipe my arse when I'm decrepit

You posted this on mumsnet... mums...net

I agree with you. I have a gorgeous little girl of 4 but I had a baby with a man is very controlling.
Sadly his control issues escalated and he became abusive and frightening!

So much can go wrong in relationships/marriage wh3n you have kids.
A baby drives a huge wedge between a man and a woman and changes 6he nature of your relationship too.
I believe kids can make or break your relationship. But it depends on your relationship.
I am now on my own and in pain.
I KNEW not to have kids with him but I stupidly trusted him.
Now I hate being on my own!

It's definitely not unreasonable to ask that. I'm 37 and have a three month old. I was really ambivalent about children and really had my doubts for all the reasons you suggested. In all honesty I've spent the past three months wondering what the hell I've done! My daughter is adorable and I'd be devastated if anything happened to her but like you said I wouldn't have missed her if I hadn't have had her (if that makes sense!). Having said all that, I'm really not a baby person so think maybe I will start to feel the rewards when she starts to grow into a little individual and an adult. I will certainly be sticking with one. If you like the life you have without children, why change it?!

If you don't want any, that's understandable, don't have any

What’s the face for? It’s not that simple and you know it. It’s an irrevocable, life changing decision, she’s not choosing whether or not to have a biscuit.

For what it’s worth, I also though babies seemed too much like hard work, and chose not to have any. I’ve never regretted it. 🙂