To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

I think having my own children is brilliant. I cannot think of a single thing that would be capable of making me feel happier. It has had a tangible, positive impact on everything in life that is important to me.

If you are happy with your dh, job and free time, Ichabod, then don't bother having children - it's not as if the world needs you to have kids - but it's more than a little bit weird to assume that because some parents like to whinge and some parents have a hard time, that all parents are bonkers.

Having babies/toddlers was tough, I must admit I had moments of despair. But now they are at school, getting more independence, they are a compete joy and make me laugh all the time. I love that they are the product of me and DH but completely separate from us too, I love that as they grow ill always be their mum and someday when they've left, they will still love me and want to see me and their dad. I'm looking forward to family times to come, Christmas with them and maybe grandchildren, I just couldn't imagine them not being here. And that means more than expensive holidays or lots of money, because those material things mean feck all without the love of family.
I know not everyone gets it, pre kids, and my heart breaks for the people who do want it but struggle to get it through infertility but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I agree with you in a way. On paper it’s an utterly bonkers and irrational decision, especially for women (given the likely physical impact, I mean). If you made a list of actual and potential pros and cons I think the cons list would be miles longer than the pro list. But it’s not a decision people make on paper!

@Leighhalfpennysthigh - your life may be fulfilled and deep but your inability to comprehend that my statement was person to me demonstrates that you're fairly self absorbed

I'm self absorbed? Didn't you read what else I wrote ? Which was to ask for both sides to stop the generalisations. And, by the way, those of us without children for whatever reason are constantly being told how superficial and empty our lives are. How we are a waste of space. How we can never know true love and all the other bollocks that is spouted by people who were lucky enough to be able to conceive. If you want to know what that does to us just visit the infertility boards or do a bit of research on the net. Maybe then you will realise that we are just normal people, dealing with normal shit. People like me who m ow we will never have children work fucking hard to find a good life, an alternate life that has meaning for us.

I think if you look at the planet as a whole and the animals and people on it you will get a sense of what is to be alive now, the mere presence of us here and we need to make the most of our time on earth.

If your way to make the most of your time here on earth is to fulfil the basic capitalistic requirements of labour for the marketplace, ££ to buy goods and services to keep capitalism afloat then yes, having things like children really is "bonkers".

But when you see animals with their young or humans with their young across all cultures and land masses then you realise there is something greater than the sum of capitalistic parts when you struggle and strive for the things you love more than life itself.

It is the intangibles that make life worth living not the tangibles.

You will never know or experience that side of life op, and that is ok too.

The desire to have a child was all consuming for me. It was my dominating thought for years, I felt incomplete without. I'm quite jealous of people who never experience that uncontrollable broodiness. I wouldn't choose to have children without it. Likewise I don't understand how people desire and love their pets or have a desperate desire to be married.

I've just found out I'm pregnant and overjoyed but also very nervous. I live far away from my parents and my in laws are supportive but also won't give us as much support as other family members (long story for another post). I've made my peace with it all and one day we'll move to be closer to my family but I'm very scared about doing this without any family support. But thanks for all the posts about how hard but also how wonderful it is.

@nerfballs I love your post. Especially the last part.

For me, one of the most wonderful things about being a mother is those perfect, trusting moments of pure and total love between me and my three children. In those moments it is as if the rest of the world has stopped turning and the fact they might have bene really naughty and difficult all day just vanishes. Just last night I went to check on my daughter in bed. She was lying quietly wide awake in bed. The fairy lights were twinkling and she was cradling her tiny baby from her dolls house. She looked so beautiful, like a little doll herself. She whispered, “I’m looking after her the way you look after us Mummy. She couldn’t sleep so I pretended to be you and snuggled her. She’s happy again now”

Yes they drive me bonkers many a time but most things worth having or doing in life involve some blood sweat and tears.

I don’t expect that anecdote to mean much to a person who doesn’t have children or want children and in the scheme of things I suppose it’s fleeting, but I will not forget it. I closed her door and went downstairs feeling so fortunate and beyond glad that they are in the world.

There would never be a time in my life where anything could or would eclipse how much I love my children. Nothing. I imagine the only thing that would come close is if I get to see any grandchildren born into the world.

Softsheen, was it really necessary to get the dig in - "However, if you don't want children, then don't have them. You may eventually end up with no close family, though."

Having children does not mean you will end up with a big close loving family who will visit and/or care for you when you are old does it?

DH had no contact with his mum and she ended up alone and lonely.

One of my friends has 2 children. 1 has emigrated to Australia and the other has very little contact.

My neighbour is 93. She had 4 children and they have all died. 1 had children but they live miles away so she never sees them.

I would never have had children to try and ensure I didn't end up lonely. Me and DH chose not to have them because the world is already overpopulated and no way were we going to add to it. Also the world today is pretty shit and is only going to get worse so glad we didn't bring a child into it to face a horrific future.

@herethereandnow Congratulations! Of course it’s scary. We live far away from both our families and it does make it harder but it’s still worth it. The low bits are grim, but the high bits are the best in the world.

@Ichabod2000
I have enough money work time but also have children and definitely prefer the children.
Such an odd thing to be boasting about on a parenting site.
You don’t sound happy

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

What makes everyone happy will vary, and no one can say for an individual what is best.
However, on average, research shows childless people are happier than those with children until they get to 84, and then those with children are happier.
Those who choose not to be in a relationship are happiest on average, followed by those in a happy first marriage.

And so the sniping continues

A friend did once joke when I was that the most likely reason I would have children would be to have complete autonomy and power over the outcome of tiny humans. Of course that's not the reason I had them but, frankly, it may have been a factor.
(We're good parents- honest!)

I'm very happy @Ghanagirl, but thank you for your concern

@eatmycheese this brought a tear to my eye

mydogisthebest It wasn't meant to be a dig, just a statement of fact, and one which may be a consideration to some people. The OP was interested in 'objective advantages' of having children.

Of course there are no guarantees in life, but if you don't have babies, you obviously won't end up with adult children or grandchildren either. Some people may be very close to their siblings' children, but IME not many people remain that close to their nieces and nephews once they have reached adulthood and (often) moved away.

I never wanted children, ever. Then when I was 29 I fell pregnant with my daughter. From the moment the doctor said 'you're pregnant' I knew she was here to stay.

My life has been turned in its head since I became a mother, but she brought it real meaning and I loved her so much that I soon turned my mind to giving her the greatest gift of all...a sibling.

Now my husband and I have 3 and I would happily have more if age was on my side. I'm happier, more fulfilled and I have real purpose. I've also calmed down a lot, my mental health has evened out and the feeling of being 'alone' that I always had has left for good.

Yes, I'm broke. I'm knackered and it's never ending hard work, but it's the best feeling in the world; being a mother.
If you don't want kids don't have them. You'll never know what you're missing out on, so there's nothing to worry about.

if i hadnt had my last child i wouldnt have 2 beautiful grandaughters i always wanted children it does have it highs and lows but i know ive the my best they are healthy young adults with good jobs. also glad i had them young so now at my age im retired and doing what i want to do. as some women are just starting having families sod that

< Wonders why you are bleating on a parenting site about the madness of having children>

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants I think the OP is being deliberately goady, what other reason could there be for asking such a question on AIBU??

You'll never know what you're missing out on, so there's nothing to worry about.

I think we've got a fair idea, hence the choice to not go down that path.

*I think we've got a fair idea, hence the choice to not go down that path.

I assure you, you don’t.

Can you honestly say that you knew how it would feel to fall in love, properly and fully, fall in love before you did so for the first time? No. You don’t know until you experience it.

And be same applies to parenthood.

'I think we've got a fair idea, hence the choice to not go down that path.'

well said. Some parents seem to think we have never met a child before!