To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP you kind of have to look at sites like mumsnet as akin to the news. The news is negative precisely because those things are more noteworthy, unusual, and require more action than the millions of good things that happen daily. Likewise spaces for parents can be negative because the hard stuff is more noteworthy, unusual and require more action than the many good things that happen daily.

Indeed human brains are wired to notice the negative, to troubleshoot and effect change. You see this in all walks of life: people complain about relationships, family, friends, work, travel, media, politics etc etc. Doesn't mean those things are not worthwhile or don't hold many joys also. For eg I'm grateful to own our home and it brings us great happiness, but it also needs painted and windows fixed and for the love of batman we can't find any tradies to take the big jobs. Which parts dominates my thoughts and conversation? The parts that demand my attention as a matter of urgency - eg leaking gutters to silicone before summer storms blow through, though I would much prefer to hang out by the pool instead.

Everything in life is a parcel of good and bad, easy and hard. Parents tend to share the hard feelings about parenthood together because it helps ease the load of the difficulties. I don't need anyone to ease the load of my kids thriving at school, or watching my baby fall asleep in my arms, or the laughter of when toddlers try to master jumping, or the precious way they lean into you and say things like "Mummy, you're the best". Those moments are very easy to carry in my heart and are held close every day. I vent when I need to know: am I doing OK? Is this normal? Am I screwing them up? How can I tackle this problem? Am I alone in this? These are what you will see generally in forums and you need to know: you are only seeing in part. You will never see in full when you're outside of the parent-child relationship. So yes, YABU to think parents are bonkers based on your own observations - they are incomplete.

@nerfballs - excellent post!

I had children and it has been the best thing I have ever done.

If that makes me bonkers so be it

I think everyone will have their own opinions about this. Children take a lot of your time and can be stressful at times. However, they make life worth living! I think especially as you get older and realise. They will carry on your DNA as you say, but also so much more. Family means everything and after losing my father not too long ago I realise this more. But some people do not see this and are happy on their own. It’s kind of like how some people don’t like dogs. We got a dog a few months ago and knew we always wood. She has been a complete and utter joy to the family. We say all the time we don’t understand how someone couldn’t want a dog. We think the dog enhances the family so much. I guess it’s the same as children. However, for some it’s not meant to be etc and they do not want. You make the most of your life. Some people want children and can’t have them. In that situation I would focus on all the reasons it’s great not to have children. But I see my children as carrying on life. I see my parents and my husbands parents in them. And one day I hope they will see me in their own children.

If you don't feel broody and compelled to have a child then there's no point.

I love my children of course but it's pretty hard-core and i wish i could turn off the responsibility fairly often.

I agree with you op, I had a job I enjoyed and had money! And my pregnancy was completely unplanned and was a massive shock, and all I thought was I won't be able to do what I'm doing now(clubbing, shopping etc) selfish I know... but it has completely changed me for the better and I wouldn't change a thing

'No narcissism like the secondary feminine narcissism of The Mother'

'As a psychotherapist, I know how rare that actually is and how much damage that relationship can and does do'

THANK YOU for saying this. I have spent years in therapy trying to deal with the legacy of my mother's 'unconditional love'. Mothers get automatically deified in society and the reality is so much more complicated

@Lottapianos

Was your mother the overbearing smothering type?

My DCs bring me an almost overwhelming love, and joy. Absolute joy. They are the thing that I am proudest of. Also, glitter. I didn’t have enough glitter in my life before ( and I say that as a gay...)

I have three little mates in my house who make me laugh and chat to me when I’m bored, play games with me and just sit with me. I’d be absolutely lost without them. I don’t think it’s al negative, or even slightly. But I think there’s too much pressure to parent ‘properly’ (ie. get everything right) that everyone’s feeling a bit down about it. It does my head in!

Oh but I’m not materialistic at all so your argument about moolah makes no sense to me.

And AIBU to suggest that posting on a parenting site to question whether people who have children are bonkers is, in fact, bonkers? Mumsnet: the clue is in the title, Sherlock.

Hormones. I realise that I'm illogical.

I had a good career, a husband I was mad about and a nice home and holidays before children but I felt unfulfilled - I needed to have children to be completely happy. It was a need for me and they do fulfil me. It’s probably just nature but it was an innate need in me. By the way - once they go to school you can have lots of time to yourself and the holidays and money don’t disappear when the children come along.

I couldn't live without my boys! I had no idea what parenting would be like, but I wanted to be a parent. It was (and is) hard and a shock! But my children completely make my life worth living. I adore every inch of them and love them more than I could have ever imagined it was possible to love. I just would b lost without them! (I'm sure once the teenage years hit this feeling of not wanting them to leave and being lost without them will wane slightly!!!)

My children and mine and my husband's world. They bring so so much joy and love. I could never have imagined the amazingness and intensity of this before I had them. They r truly wonderful (and also a complete nightmare at times!!!)

Ok, I've never had a child, never been pregnant, never felt any sort of urge to have one. Neither have I felt any outside pressure to be a mother - possibly because I'm a lesbian. I have, however, lived with children for many years, had a lot of responsibility for them, been closely involved with other children, and now have three DGCs courtesy of DP, whom I love very much. I'm very keen on babies, and generally sympathetic to children of all ages.

Tbh, I don't really get why people want children; it does seem like far too much hard work and worry etc. And some of the problems with kids that I read about here, and have witnessed with friends' DCs, make me shudder with horror. However, I can kind of imagine that it's different when they're your own, and always greet news of a pregnancy with "how lovely" rather than "gosh, you're brave".

So in short, I'm delighted that other people have children, and equally delighted that I don't.

I sometimes think I was bonkers to have a child, even more so to have another one! They literally take over your life! But it was what felt right at the time for us, and that's all that mattered really. And I wouldn't be without them now (except the odd night off would be great )

Surely people try to have a family network including kids for fear of being alone.

My life would be moving without my children. I love them. They love me. They make me smile, laugh and I get to see them wonder at the world. I used to be convinced I didn’t want children when I was in my twenties. By my early 30s I had developed this overwhelming urge to have them but I wasn’t getting pregnant and it took me years (and ivf) to have my first child. There were times before I got pregnant with my first child that I honestly didn’t want to live. It felt so painful. When my son came along it was even more amazing than I could ever have imagined. I never realised it was possible to feel so much love for someone. It made all the heartache and years of anguish (in the lead u to falling pregnant with him) worth while.

*nothing not moving

Delboys, in a nutshell, yes. She has never really been able to see her children as individuals, or separate people from her. For extra fun, my dad is equally smothering. I have learned to keep them both at arm's length but it took years of professional support

As others have said, for many it's not a choice. It's a urge. We are animals. If many of us didn't have a strong. primal, animalistic urge to have children we would die out as a species. Or not nurture those children we have. I had no desire to have children till my late 30s. I was very, very happy about that. Then, wham, it hit me as an overwhelming, tsunami. Never, ever expected that to happen.

You don't have that. That' no reason to slag others.

And yes people may moan. But then , they are hardly likely to bang onto you about how great having kids is, are they? Just like most people don't bang on about how wonderful their long term partner is but will moan about them when they have irritated them. And kids are hard work, but then, most things worth having are.

It's still a choice, bears. Feeling a powerful urge to do something doesn't mean that you absolutely have to do it. Like you, I was hit by the urge out of nowhere, and it knocked me sideways. I still knew that the reality of parenthood was not for me. It probably helped that I had worked with children and parents for years by then so had absolutely no rose tinted view of what it could be like. It was incredibly tough riding out those years but I'm coming out the other side now and I definitely feel that, on balance, I made the right choice

I had exactly this viewpoint until I fell accidentally pregnant and couldn't bring myself to terminate.

I've got off fairly lightly and my health only took a small knock, and I'm actually far happier now than I have been since I was a small child