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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
stevie69 · 12/01/2019 19:40

I don't know why people make the choice but it's a fantastic thing that they actually do, cos we'd be in bother if everyone took the easy way out, like I did Blush

Also, those who have children might silently ask the same question of those of us who've made the choice not to, ie Why on earth wouldn't they want to experience the joy that parenthood brings?

The world just don't move to the beat of just one drum .....

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 12/01/2019 19:41

They are just very fun people. I love playing with them and learning about the world with them. I hate the extra chores.

PortiaCastis · 12/01/2019 19:42

I don't think people have a right to call others bonkers for having children especially on a site called MUMSNET. The love I have for my daughter surpasses everything especially gfs who think they can preach to others

SoftSheen · 12/01/2019 19:44

Most people have children because they want to. My children are wonderful and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

However, if you don't want children, then don't have them. You may eventually end up with no close family, though.

Unobtainable · 12/01/2019 19:49

I dont have chilldren and none of my generation in the family do either and nor do my close friends. None of us, as far as Im aware had any desperate primal urge to have them but if we had Im sure we wouldve gone ahead and had them.

I never got the broodyness, even holding colleagues’ babies when they used to bring them into the office.

I have had a few mothers and fathers tell me i dont know how lucky i am not to have children but I think its just because Im lucky and have a nice lifestyle and can afford to fill my life in other ways. Im not so sure id be quite so happy if i was poor and alone and childless.

How old are you OP?

stevie69 · 12/01/2019 19:50

I think the opposite. I don't understand people who don't want children.

What don't you understand? I'll try and explain.

stevie69 · 12/01/2019 19:54

‘But you never know real love till you have a child.’

Not sure how true that is, and it’s rather offensive to those who don’t have children for whatever reason.

There's not a grain of truth in it; it's absolute cock custard#!

Tweety1981 · 12/01/2019 20:01

That having children damages our careers is societies fault , not anything to do with our children .

There are other issues including certain government policies that are putting people who have children at a disadvantage .

But the decision shouldn’t be a financial one , it’s just about what you want as a person out of your life .

I wouldn’t change my decision to have children , but everyone should choose what’s right for them z

The main thing is the LOVE 💕. It creates a new kind of a love in the house which is priceless ...

stevie69 · 12/01/2019 20:02

I think the answer is that everyone is different! Choosing not to have them is just a valid choice as having them, but people’s priorities are different so to label either as bonkers is silly really.

Spot on. Beautifully put Smile

corythatwas · 12/01/2019 20:13

Personally, I don't feel the slightest urge to play football, visit Las Vegas, drive a motor car or play a musical instrument. So I don't. Doesn't make everybody who does bonkers though.

Though at least 2 of those things are bad for the planet (unless you live near Vegas, of course), one involves hard work and one comes with the risk of injury.

I like children. I even like other people's children. I find them stimulating and fun to be around. I genuinely had a lot of fun when they were little. The hard times were because of family illness, not because of them being children.

I also enjoy the interactions with my grown-up children. My daughter ringing me late at night because something exciting happened that she just wants to tell me. In my own generation, going for a walk with one of my brothers or hanging around the kitchen while they cook.

Whizbang · 12/01/2019 20:19

YANBU OP, I agree with you (although you could have made your point more diplomatically!)

corythatwas · 12/01/2019 20:22

When people say they've given up travelling- is that because they can no longer afford it or is it because they used to do seriously heave trekking-through-the-Bolivian jungle sort of stuff, where you spend half your time dodging the bullets of drug runners and the other half stepping on poisonous snakes?

Because ime children are actually quite portable.

AJPTaylor · 12/01/2019 20:26

Because if people all just looked at it rationally the world would die out in one generation.

XingMing · 12/01/2019 20:26

DC, a young adult, is at the age where children are anathema... why would I? is the refrain. But give it 10 or 15, probably 20 years TBH, and I would put money on him being a parent.

A friend spun me the line that people like us need to have children for religious/political reasons, to sustain the future. I didn't buy it then and don't now, but I have one and she has none (her DH was completely anti). Her career went stratospheric, and mine bombed, but when we caught up a few months ago, all she could talk about was property and ISAs. I know she really wanted a family when we first met, and when I wasn't bothered, and now I can only feel very sorry for her. Yes, she'll have money all the way to the care home, but no one to care. My child may not care either when I'm decrepit, but I had the joy and privilege of shaping a life.

Seline · 12/01/2019 20:31

I had a deep desire to have them. It wasn't logical or rational. I usually weigh things up and am quite level headed but this was entirely different.

Plus I enjoy passing on my knowledge, teaching kids new skills, and doing family type things.

ShadowKitty · 12/01/2019 20:31

It is really really hard work but children aren't small for very long in the scheme of things. I didn't necessarily want a baby and I don't really enjoy the baby stage but I did want a family. I am looking forward to enjoying my kids as young people and adults just as much as I want to enjoy their childhoods.

PortiaCastis · 12/01/2019 20:32

she'll have money all the way to the care home but no-one to care

Yes couldn't have put it better myself

Eatmycheese · 12/01/2019 20:35

@ichabod you’ve binned us all off as fuckwits, so why are so you consumed with what our lowly, masochistic, needy, selfish reasons are?

corythatwas · 12/01/2019 20:36

Could we please stop using "the care home" as a trope for unloved parents?

The fact that we all live longer and survive more illnesses means it is increasingly likely that any one of us will be alive at an age where we cannot safely be cared for at home.

That has nothing to do with love- sometimes finding a care home for a parent is the one most loving thing you are ever going to do for them.

Ime of care homes they are not full of people who would be capable of living in a normal family home: they are full of people who have to be locked in at night, who must not be unsupervised near a cooker, who need a large specialised hoist worked by 2 people to lift them onto the commode etc etc etc.

XingMing · 12/01/2019 20:53

@Cory, that wasn't my intention. My point regarding this friend was that there will be nobody except her DH, who is a decade older, to visit her in her care home. Not to say she will be frail and infirm and in need of looking after, but we are in the thick of looking out for an aged, slighted demented parent, from a long way away and it is not straightforward. But in no sense is it code for anything else.

XingMing · 12/01/2019 20:56

Love has little to do with it, except that visiting someone, anyone, who needs caring for, demands a lot of love, and that it is mainly those who put it in in the early years, who will be loved regardless of their condition when health and intellect starts to fail.

Happymummy23 · 12/01/2019 21:15

I love everything about motherhood. I have 2 boys aged 2 & 4 and life is crazy. My house is always messy, theres an endless mound of washing and me and DH have had to swap nights out for nights in. But we love it that much we are trying for number 3.

Canshopwillshop · 12/01/2019 21:26

My life would not have been fulfilled without children. I always wanted them and then we had problems with miscarriage etc and I thought we weren’t going to be able to have kids. I was crushed. I am so very thankful for my DC, I never thought I would love so deeply and I never ever take them for granted.

DesertSky · 12/01/2019 21:26

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side - but nobody’s life/children are the same so it’s impossible to judge. There are positives and negatives in absolutely everything. There will always be unknowns and difficulties in life and within human relationships.

Everyone’s outlook it different but I think following your heart is always a good approach.

stopitandtidyupp · 12/01/2019 21:35

You don’t really know what it’s like until you have them though and the issues that come with looking after them as individuals.

I still don't understand all the people who say you don't know what its like until you have one. My sil used to say this to me all throughout my 20s. I found it so patronising.

On having my child it was as amazing and as hard as I imagined. Exactly! No surprises. I think people must have tunnelled vision if they can't see past their current state.

I am not a person who would sit down and play with young kids. Not like some people who seem to love it and enjoy it. However I am glad I have one. If I could birth a ten year old I would do it again. The baby stage was hard and the toddler stage even worse but at 10 just absolutely amazing.