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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 12/01/2019 17:45

my life was so fucking superficial and empty.

Yours maybe. A lot of us have pretty deep and meaningful lives without children. Can we stop the sweeping generalisations on both sides please?

MsLexic · 12/01/2019 17:45

I think nest building IS a very basic instinct that many people have. To have children is very deeply needed by many.
I never had children due to several miscarriages and actually nearly died from a misdiagnosed ectopic so it became a bit out of the question.
I am very glad I didn't because it turned out my ex husband was very nasty indeed. it is likely he would have been an appalling father, too as he wasn't even kind to animals, me or anything.
I do not miss having children because I have had a lot of ill health and I also occupy myself very well. I would have loved a family.
In view of my life, it was wise I did not. It is very expensive , yes and also can be a bit gratuitous ' something you do before it is too late' type of thing.
But everyone is different and it depends on your values and needs.

rubyroot · 12/01/2019 18:01

I never wanted to have children, but then I never went on mumsnet and asked why people did it as its pure bonkers.

I still have plenty of money spare and I'm part time and I have a stay at home husband, I am able to save money up every week and live a reasonable life, if I had another child they would have lots of hand me downs- its really not expensive.

I used to be career orientated, a workaholic- and now I am not, I am a better person for this.

My one year old brings us so much smiles, happiness and laughter every day and has given both of us a new lease of life. It has helped me put my life into perspective.

Life is for living, not for work.

Ironingboard · 12/01/2019 18:03

Don’t think I’ve ever seen a post saying women who don’t have kids are bonkers, it’s a totally inappropriate thing to post.
I don’t have kids of my own (have a lovely stepson), I’ve never had the maternal urge but I understand it, HOWEVER, I don’t go judging every Tom, dick and Harry who have kids.

rubyroot · 12/01/2019 18:03

@Rodenhide Agree, I changed my mind when I was about 36 and I am glad I did

rubyroot · 12/01/2019 18:08

"my life was so fucking superficial and empty."

Yours maybe. A lot of us have pretty deep and meaningful lives without children. Can we stop the sweeping generalisations on both sides please?

Err not a sweeping generalisation the 'my' indicates that this is how this person felt- seriously are they not allowed to have an opinion?

PerfectlyPetty · 12/01/2019 18:18

I was convinced by the line ‘people like us have an obligation to reproduce’. Raising the next generation of leaders, inventors, innovators etc is important and can’t be left to the masses

You sound like an utter knob.

mydogisthebest · 12/01/2019 18:34

PregnantSea, I have never known anyone who made the choice not to have children say they regret that choice but have had many mothers and fathers say if they could go back in time they would not have children.

Anyway I would rather regret not having them then having children and regretting it. Not much you can do unless you can time travel is there?

DailyMailFail101 · 12/01/2019 18:38

I have always wanted to be a Mum, when I was younger and people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always replied with ‘a mummy’ I had primal instinct I guess. I couldn’t imagine a greater job.

DailyMailFail101 · 12/01/2019 18:40

‘Mumsnet’ by parents for parents

thedoctorwillseeyounow · 12/01/2019 18:40

"I am a generous and loving person. If you aren't then I would agree children/ parenthood isn't for you."

Bwahahahaha! You're a GF, that's for sure.

No narcissism like the secondary feminine narcissism of The Mother. Grin

ashtrayheart · 12/01/2019 18:44

I assume humans like animals have an innate desire to reproduce (not every individual I know, but as a species).
It’s not that complicated.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 12/01/2019 18:46

Let me first preface my response by saying that it does not behoove you, to imply that people who choose to procreate are bonkers. They could easily say the same about you.

Having said that, I choose to be child free and if I think about it, I made this choice when I was about 16-17 when I participated in a women's march and I proudly wore a bright yellow button that said ; I FUCK TO COME NOT TO CONCEIVE Babies in carriages never turned my head like it did my female peers. However, I am strongly empathetic and I am quite maternal when it comes to my DH, friends, family, animals and anyone who needs a hug, support or just a friendly smile of encouragement.
Flash forward to today and I am happily married to my husband of 15 years who shares the same feelings as I do. We don't believe in leaving a legacy, however, we strongly support those that wish to. We are both Aspies (ASD) so that may colour our personal choice not to.

Having said that, I personally think that parenting is the most important job a human being you can have. I believe in nurture more than nature. I believe that people each have a predisposition to become certain things and the environment that they are raised in is the catalyst that causes them to become the human being they tun out to be.

For an example, both my husband and I have a predisposition to becoming alcoholics because it runs in the family, however, both he and I were very fortunate to not be raised in an environment that perpetuates alcoholism. Because we have this "alcohol gene" for lack of a better phrase, we choose to be teetotalers. This may seem radical, but I feel the same way about mental health. I believe it runs in families (it runs in mine) and I believe if the soil, or the environment (which includes parenting) is rife with toxins then the plants will have a hard time thriving. If the soil is filled with vitamins and water and sunlight then the chances of you yielding a better crop is much better. Which is why I think that parenting is easily the hardest and most important job that a human being to have. You have the daunting task to either raise a potential Hitler or a Ghandi. ( and I know Ghandi had his issues, but I am using him as an example to illustrate my point of someone who incites hate versus someone who promotes peace) I'm sure this may not be a popular opinion, and I will get flamed for that statement because it puts the accountability of a say, Robert Thomson and Jon Venables (James Bulgers killers) smack dab into the hands of their parents.

Having said that, I cannot imagine the pressure that is put on parents to parents to parent responsibly. I think it is, for the most part, a frustrating and thankless job sprinkled with intense joy, gratitude and sense of belonging which is probably why most parents love it. This constant pressure of being the "perfect parent" is why I think places like MN are invaluable. We as a society need to support parents. They are what make society. Because of this, most parents( I say most, because we all know, as in the case mentioned above, some parents need to have their feet held to the fire for abuse and neglect) need compassion and support not judgement and hindrance.

In conclusion, if I were to be completely raw and honest with myself, I would say that there are times I would have liked to be a mother. However, my urge to procreate is not nearly strong enough to cancel out my feelings not to do it. My biggest fear is losing my husband. I think that fear would be softened if I had children with him. I then would be able to have a piece of him that is alive in our children. Thankfully, that bridge has not been crossed yet.

At present, I continue to enjoy the freedom of being with the love of my life, relishing in the copious time we spend with each other, and feeling very fortunate and grateful for being able to walk with him, hand in hand, side by side, on this wondrous, sometimes challenging, but always interesting road called life. Smile

April2020mom · 12/01/2019 18:48

I’ve got children. Effectively they have stopped me from working full time but I don’t regret that decision either. I love having a big family. I had friends before I had children but since they were babies I’ve been making several new friends. It helps me relax and remember that I have a life. My life doesn’t always revolve around my children. And I generally feel the good days outweigh any bad days. Seriously.

Somewhereovertheroad · 12/01/2019 18:51

@thedoctorwillseeyounow

Blush I have to admit reading it back it does sound goady but what I was trying to say was you need to be willing to share...your food, your bed, your toilet time Grin

Don't have kids if you can't cope with their noses stuck in every aspect of your life (at least in the early years.)

And we all know it's nature's way that you love them more than life itself for their protection. GrinGrin

I have a really good friend who has no kids by choice. I respect and admire her decision. She respects mine. Generally I think if we could all live and let live. Smile

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 12/01/2019 18:58

^Should read of someone who promotes peace, opposed to inciting hatred

thedoctorwillseeyounow · 12/01/2019 19:19

Somewhere - I apologise; it was wrong to single out your post.

I just wonder if people REALLY don't realise what knobbers they sound when they go on about how unfulfilled life is without the "unconditional love" of the mother-child bond. (As a psychotherapist, I know how rare that actually is and how much damage that relationship can and does do.) I also eye-roll at the irony of posts about how selfish those are who choose not to reproduce their OWN genes for their OWN desires/ OWN instinctual drives, whatever...

FaFoutis · 12/01/2019 19:25

I think your sample will be skewed there thedoctor.

ThatThingYouDo · 12/01/2019 19:27

I'm more interested why someone would feel the need to go on MUMSNET to insult parents. How odd....

The clue is in the name OP. Think we're stupid, clueless and mad? Well go away then, you don't have to be around us if you don't want to.

All posts like this do is stir up shit between those with children and those without.

Pointless and mean.

Frillyfarmer · 12/01/2019 19:27

@Leighhalfpennysthigh - your life may be fulfilled and deep but your inability to comprehend that my statement was person to me demonstrates that you're fairly self absorbed.

Obviously, I didn't think that my childfree life was superficial and empty whilst I was living it.

XingMing · 12/01/2019 19:30

I was like you... didn't plan to have children as I married late and was very happy with my life and partner and work. My friends all had children a decade before and so I had seen the effects. We had asked friends about the rewards and only one resonated with us (and then only faintly) "we liked our life, but decided we were becoming selfish".

And then, in my 42nd year, I woke up one morning and decided a child would be a good idea -- out of nowhere. I grabbed DH before he left for work, and was pregnant. Apologies to everyone who struggled to conceive, but it was that fast, and it only worked the once, but DS is nearly 20 now, and I am eternally glad that I seized the moment.

No nonsense about not knowing yourself until you meet your child (although I think there's truth in it), but it has just been so much fun, even when it wasn't. And I know I did not know the meaning of unconditional love until I was mum, so it has enriched my relationship with my mother, who is still with us.

FaFoutis · 12/01/2019 19:31

I think the OP is protesting too much. If she (assuming OP is a she) was completely comfortable with her decision she wouldn't feel the need to post in such a way.

CountessVonBoobs · 12/01/2019 19:32

@Leighhalfpennysthigh - your life may be fulfilled and deep but your inability to comprehend that my statement was person to me demonstrates that you're fairly self absorbed.

I really don't think that is fair to that poster, at all.

XingMing · 12/01/2019 19:35

@thedoctorwillseeyounow, I haven't RTFT, but take your point about unconditional love. I know I didn't understand it before parenthood, and yes, I am sure it exists because homo sapiens would probably be extinct without that hormone driven rush of adoration.

booellesmum · 12/01/2019 19:39

I have a 17 and 14 year old.
The 14 year old completely agrees with you. She often says why would anyone sane have kids - they cost money and give you grief.
Truth is it's all worth it and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

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