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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people who have children are bonkers

752 replies

Ichabod2000 · 12/01/2019 07:05

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

OP posts:

PregnantSea · 12/01/2019 14:51

This post sounds like a joke designed to provoke people into outrage.

Sorry if it isn't but that's really how it sounds.

Thatwasfast · 12/01/2019 14:56

Maybe it’s a Russian troll trying to bring Britain down by slowly reducing the birth rate

PregnantSea · 12/01/2019 14:58

No one on their deathbed ever says that they regret having children, but some people do say that they regret not having them. A close friend works on a geriatric ward and told me that most of the ones who don't have children tell her they regret it.

Maybe they're just talking shit because they're on their deathbed. Maybe they just say it because they're lonely and scared, I don't know. But to be honest it makes a lot of sense to me. I can't imagine anything more rewarding. No career, business, travelling, charity work etc could ever compare to actually raising a child from birth to adulthood and then sending them out into the world. That's just my opinion though, if you don't share that view then it's definitely sensible not to have kids. The world is full of different people, that's what makes it so great.

speakout · 12/01/2019 15:04

And that love for children is deeper than any love I have known.

And I have had some amazing loves in my life.

But I would sacrifice myself to save my child- no question.

I wouldn't do that for a man.

robininbrum · 12/01/2019 15:05

I bet the OP is gutted that this thread didn't go the way she had hoped.

GhostsToMonsoon · 12/01/2019 15:30

I have two children and love them dearly but am inclined to agree OP. I think not having children is a perfectly valid and sensible decision and life can be just as fulfilled without them. I sometimes imagine a parallel life in which I didn't have children.

I think people are more likely to post about the difficult aspects of parenting so you may get a skewed picture.

Racecardriver · 12/01/2019 15:42

I was convinced by the line ‘people like us have an obligation to reproduce’. Raising the next generation of leaders, inventors, innovators etc is important and can’t be left to the masses.

MissB83 · 12/01/2019 15:50

My son hasn't ruined my life at all. It's just different. My life feels more purposeful and bright with him in it because it gives me a kick every day to see him grow. That doesn't mean it's not tiring or hard but I am of the mentality that worthwhile things often do take work: jobs, relationships, children. And that's fine! It means more to me to spend my time and money on/with my son than having the freedom to do other things, possibly because I had a 34 year opportunity to do other things first- and I will again!

Thatwasfast · 12/01/2019 15:51

Lizzie48 · 12/01/2019 16:00

You may not get why we wanted children sometimes, in your view that might make us bonkers. It is tough, especially as my DD1 (9) has adoption-related SN, but I've never wished we hadn't applied at all. DH and I had lots of amazing experiences before our DDs came to us, but there was a gap that couldn't be filled by those experiences nor by my cats.

Everyone is different. I could say that dog owners are bonkers, because I've never wanted to own one. The idea of taking DDog for a walk in the pouring rain or snow, and having to remove dog shit is totally unappealing to me. But I don't say that, because everyone is different.

Frillyfarmer · 12/01/2019 16:04

Meh, a few years ago I was one of those childless people who resented the phrase "you wouldn't understand, you don't have children". I was far too busy with my career and my social life and my horses to bore myself with the utter mindlessness that came with bringing up children - those inane nursery rhymes, covered in snot and whipping an estate car.

When I look back now my life was so fucking superficial and empty. They're ruined my fanny and knocked my career back about 10years but shit they're my favourite people on the planet.

RosemarysBabyDress · 12/01/2019 16:40

my life was so fucking superficial and empty. They're ruined my fanny and knocked my career back about 10years but shit they're my favourite people on the planet.

never a truer word written!

Somewhereovertheroad · 12/01/2019 16:48

What the previous poster says and this too Everyone is different. I could say that dog owners are bonkers, because I've never wanted to own one. The idea of taking DDog for a walk in the pouring rain or snow, and having to remove dog shit is totally unappealing to me. But I don't say that, because everyone is different.

If everyone was the same we would all wear the same clothes and have the same hairstyle!

Somewhereovertheroad · 12/01/2019 16:49

Just to clarify I really love the Ddog! just in case he reads this

ss2011 · 12/01/2019 16:54

AIBU to ask what the F someone who does not want to have children and wants to attack mums for choosing to have them and then admitting it’s sometimes hard is doing on mumsnet?? OP....compared to some of the OPs on here you have had an unfairly easy ride!!!!!

Verbena87 · 12/01/2019 16:56

I was convinced by the line ‘people like us have an obligation to reproduce’. Raising the next generation of leaders, inventors, innovators etc is important and can’t be left to the masses.

Holy fuck, do you realise how terrifying that makes you sound? Particularly the ‘people like us’ versus ‘the masses’? The people who have advocated human selective breeding in the past haven’t exactly used their own leadership/invention/innovation skills for good.

I’m with everyone who’s saying variety is valuable - we need a whole range of people with a whole range of views and priorities, including whether they want to make more people or not.

And I’m with @frillyfarmer in the knackered-fanny-happy-heart club.

HotSauceCommittee · 12/01/2019 17:00

YANBU; I have two children and I bonkers.
The way the world is right now, I can see far better reasons for not having sprogs than having them.
I don’t regret having mine, but there were times I did when they were babies/toddlers and I did not have any rational, logical reason for having them other than I thought it might be nice and fun and I knew DH would be an ace and hilarious dad.

Schmoobarb · 12/01/2019 17:01

You don’t really know what it’s like until you have them though and the issues that come with looking after them as individuals.

I had always wanted children and I love them to bits and would never want to be without them but I wouldn’t say I have ever found it “fulfilling” or that they’ve “made my life complete”. Sometimes I think my life would be a lot less complicated if I’d never had them and of course I’d have more money!

madcatladyforever · 12/01/2019 17:01

I had one and that was quite enough for me, they turn your life upside down. Mind you I'm glad I have him as I'm single after two bloody useless husbands and he is always there for me

robininbrum · 12/01/2019 17:06

No wrecked fanny here at all like @FrillyFarmer ... I had 2 sections. One emergency one, and then one elective one (that I was advised to have after the first.)

And my life wasn't 'superficial and empty' before I had children, but it sure has been enhanced by having them.

Snugglepiggy · 12/01/2019 17:12

I get more pleasure watching our lovely DGD give my very elderly mum and big hug and kiss than I ever would from sitting in an airport departure lounge waiting to board a plane somewhere.I get more pleasure watching my crazy, muddy dogs zipping around the woods .To OP that's bonkers.To me that what fulfils me.Yes hard work ,frustrating and expensive as parenting can be the trade off in laughs,love and hugs over the years is something I will never regret.As for carbon foot print yes we've 'created' another generation to consume but also to be the teachers and health care workers of the future.A friends son is a research scientist at as world leading university doing ground breaking work on the ozone layer.A pretty good contribution back I'd say.
Each to their own OP.The fact is many people would love to be 'bonkers' enough to have children and can't. And some, like one of my friends ,openly admit to never having any desire to have them.

ehohtinkywinky · 12/01/2019 17:23

I had PND and so the first few months were my own personal hell. The 6 months on medication that followed was tough and the 6 months after coming off pretty hard too.

But I don't regret it for a minute. I'd feel truly sad for past self if I didn't get to experience this. It's the most incredible thing, totally changes your life in good and bad ways but it's a sort of profound experience to live through.

When written down in black and white it sounds relentless at times and I can see why you'd wonder the point. But it's all the feelings and thoughts you can't articulate that make it magical.

ehohtinkywinky · 12/01/2019 17:30

Just to add a lot of people come to an online forum to vent / get support. It's rare to come on Mumsnet and post a thread just saying how great your life is.

I had to delete the app at times with PND because I'd accidentally come across the threads of those really struggling years on and I'd think 'fuck, this will never end'. Since getting better and being a positive statistic if you like, I've not posted a thread about it. But I started many asking for help about sad things.

I think it's the same with this. You're reading a very bias view by looking to the internet for these kinds of answers.

ElektraLOL · 12/01/2019 17:38

My fanny isn't wrecked either - I had 3 normal deliveries and I still can't get a (small) mooncup in. I think that's genetics.

Rodenhide · 12/01/2019 17:40

You're right, we are crazy
Mine are five and a half months and I know, largely from Mumsnet, that I have it easier than most. How old are you, OP? because I hated the idea when I was younger and, although I don't want to say "you'll understand when you're older" (I hated people saying this to me), minds do change.
I've travelled, I have a job I love and a lovely dp. I'm back at work now and so, for a lot of the day, life is just as it was. DP's staying home with themso he's the bonkers one really because I travel quite a lot for work. Things will be harder when they're older but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Yours sincerely,
Bonkers

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