AIBU to expect my mother, dad or brother to look after my baby for half an hour?

[Battler1126]

So.. short version is..
Its my father in laws funeral on Monday (he died on Xmas day) my fella really needs me and I want to be there to support him but none of my family will look after our baby. I hardly ever ask them. They've had her 3 times in 10 months.. but this is important! It's not like we just want a bit of time to ourselves or want to go drinking. ITS HIS DADS FUNERAL!!! We wont even go to the wake so we don't put on to anyone.
We've sorted everything and had to empty his house with the baby there. Not with ONE offer of help. She won't stay with anyone at the minute so I can't even ask friends cause she just cries for 20 mins after ive gone, but surely I should be able to rely on my parents at a time like this? Am I being selfish to want them to have her so I can support my other half at this horrific time?

Then op has lots of other options. Friends, if no friends, school mum, neighbour or pay a baby sitter.

Failing that don't go.
You really can't expect other people to take time off of work.

If you won't take the baby, and you won't ask a friend to have her, and your family have said no., then you are not going to the funeral. Time to make peace with that now and move on.

My parents did this to us too. They weren't even working at the time either as both were retired.

It meant that I was unable to go to DH's Dad's funeral as MIL had said she preferred no children to go to the service. Everyone I could have left the kids with was going to be at the service, so that left only me. I couldn't ask friends because we were going to be away overnight to be there.

It was one of barely two or three times I ever needed my parents for childcare and I felt very let down by them. They seemed surprised that it had meant me not going. I know they then felt very guilty about it but they said nothing and I was frosty with them for about a month afterwards. Then, unusually for us, something else came up that I really couldn't take the kids too and all of a sudden my parents were almost tripping over themselves to help out. They did. That was the end of the issue and we never mentioned it again. I never forgot that they let me down in that way. I don't think they forgot that they did it either and felt very guilty.

I know everyone is saying you're not being unreasonable, but you seem to have an expectation that your family will take time off work to babysit your clingy baby who cries whenever you leave it.

It's not your family's responsibility to look after your offspring. You decided to have children. I can't believe that you have this expectation that they should leave work to look after your child.

Firstly, your husband should be going to the wake. Secondly, if your baby is making a scene you should leave the room with it.

@Kahlua4me - why would a friend walk her baby around in the pram while the service is going on?? Why shouldn't the mother? If the service is for 30 minutes, then why can't she take the baby and if the baby cries then she can walk outside?

This is ridiculous.

Pudding, it isn't necessarily about expecting family to provide childcare. Not on a regular basis anyway. It is about needing the support of your family at a time of crisis when there is no other option.

I never expected childcare from my parents. The only occasions I did need their help were when I was in hospital myself, and for FIL's funeral when I was coming under pressure from MIL to make other arrangements so that the children didn't come.

My parents were my only possible option for FIL's funeral. They refused, and it simply taught me that my family were not there for me at a time of need.

That sort of thing is hardly expecting family to take responsibility for my offspring. It was not me shirking my responsibilities in any way. It was me in an impossible situation, needing a little support myself for once and none was forthcoming.

I read OP's post similarly.

I wouldn’t be able to take time off work for a situation like your family’s - even if I wanted to. It would depend on how much notice I’d have to give, who else has already booked time off and how much annual leave I have left.
And I may have even previously used annual leave to go on holiday and get pissed with mates.
I don’t think you can be too cross with them.

I think perhaps if the OP had said in her initial post that it was FILs wishes to have a child free funeral there may not have been so many posts suggesting to take her baby with her. Guilty of suggesting it myself. Also OP you still haven't actually confirmed if the fallout with your family has been resolved. You stated in your other post your parents did not treat you well. Why would you think this would be any different?

Thank you for your replies.

To the person that stated "I had kids and they're my responsibility" couldnt be more true. I'm asking for HALF AN HOUR not a lifetime. Tell me what parent doesnt need to do things without their children there. You are ignorant to think otherwise and quite frankly sound like a moron.

Also for the ones saying I *expect my parents to take time off work.. no I asked them to. They can do it for ANY other reason (including going out to get pissed) I HOPED ONE of them would help me out. I'm not asking them to miss a full shift. Barely even half an hour.

Sorry, I don't remember everyone's names... to the person asking if I was the one that fell out with them before Xmas. Yes thats true. They came to the house full of apologies. Promising to change. Saying theyre there if I need them. Obviously a load of shit. Lesson learned!

To the people offering help or saying they would. Thank you so much. Youre very kind.

To the person saying ive got no options. Well that's why I came on here. For advice. As silly as it sounds I never gave childcare a thought. So to the people suggesting that. THANK YOU!

I've talked to DH and we are going to look into childcare. Im just not sure it's going to be the best option. But if needs be I suppose it's my only one.

Thanks to the people that read my messages properly and undrerstand. It means a lot x

I would definitely consider taking him with you if you need to my little one went to a funeral at a similar age and one at about 8 weeks. We managed to keep him quite both times and My husband actually found it a help having him there at such an upsetting time. We also found both times our families we’re pleased to have him at the wake he cheared people up a bit on a very hard day.

Of course there will be times when you need to do things without children that's why childcare is around. Can you not tie it in with a settling in session at the chdilcare place you will use when you return to work as that must be coming up soon anyway,

A fall out at Christmas, three other time you needed childcare already before reaching one year old and maybe they are trying to ensure that they are not the default option again after the eldest. Sucks to pick this time to make a stance but they have.

I don't get the reluctance to ask a friend, don't you ever help friends out?

fenella's logic is flawless - there is nothing ally else to say!

Yes 3 times I needed childcare. I lost a baby and got rushed into hospital for 2 daysl. My MIL died and FIL got taken into hospital the same night. We had to be at the house for the undertaker. I tell you what. Fuck off u dick. I'm over it.

No I won't be going back to work until June.

If you don't have any helpful advice and youre here to judge my life DONT BOTHER. Its that simple. I can't deal with ignorance today.

Thanks.

Hope you get sorted OP. I saw someone mention if your older Dc has a parent who may be willing to look after the baby?

OP, plenty of us here understand you and are with you on this.

Unfortunately so are the brigade who just spout "your child, your responsibility" at every cut and turn. They apparently always have perfect childcare sorted at the drop of a hat, and never, ever need family support.

I do mostly subscribe to the "my child, my responsibility" camp. I have never expected childcare from my parents. It was given on the occasional ad hoc basis if I was in hospital (ill and/or having babies), but not otherwise. The only other occasion I actually was forced to ask for family support was for FIL's funeral so that I could, as a one-off, provide the support that DH and MIL both needed. That support was refused, and we all, including my parents, ended up regretting that.

It is about wanting to feel part of a supportive family. That is still important.

I wouldn’t expect them to take time off work. And baby is only ten months old and has ‘only’ stayed over with them three times? I think that’s quite a lot. I understand you wanted help in a hard time but i don’t think they’re being totally u

@Handsoffmysweets she's in County Durham

YANBU at all but maybe take her with you because that way your DH can stay for some of the wake too and people at the funeral might actually find seeing your DD uplifting at a very sad time.

Oh sorry just read that your FIL asked for no kids to be at the funeral. That makes sense- I hope you can find someone to help.

I would send a mass message to friends asking if anyone can help/recommend a babysitter.

Thanks again for your replies. I'm going to the funeral without my baby. My friend has changed her shift at work for me to go. Bless her. I didn't ask she asked about the funeral and I told her the situation. She went mad I didn't say sooner and rang her boss. All is good x

Awww that's great news

That's so nice of your friend & good that you don't have baby care to worry about now. Hope the funeral goes ok and the relatives aren't too awful.