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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my mother, dad or brother to look after my baby for half an hour?

127 replies

Battler1126 · 11/01/2019 19:35

So.. short version is..
Its my father in laws funeral on Monday (he died on Xmas day) my fella really needs me and I want to be there to support him but none of my family will look after our baby. I hardly ever ask them. They've had her 3 times in 10 months.. but this is important! It's not like we just want a bit of time to ourselves or want to go drinking. ITS HIS DADS FUNERAL!!! We wont even go to the wake so we don't put on to anyone.
We've sorted everything and had to empty his house with the baby there. Not with ONE offer of help. She won't stay with anyone at the minute so I can't even ask friends cause she just cries for 20 mins after ive gone, but surely I should be able to rely on my parents at a time like this? Am I being selfish to want them to have her so I can support my other half at this horrific time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Battler1126 · 11/01/2019 20:13

Thanks for all your messages. Like I said, this was the short version. My DH and his aunty and uncle had a massive falling out when my DHs mother died. I'm terrified something will happen when they turn up and it kicks off when we have the baby there. (Theyre awful people, started a fight at mil funeral) also no children are going. My SIL isnt taking her 3 kids either so it would be out of order to take my 10 month old twisty teething baby. All of my mates that see my little one are working aswell. I can't ask them to take time off

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 11/01/2019 20:13

I have walked a friends baby around outside a church, that is a very good idea.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/01/2019 20:13

Whilst I can understand your frustration, the scenario isn't quite 'look after my baby for half an hour'. It's taking time off work (would their bosses be ok with that), travel time to get to you, (whatever that is), to mind their grandchild who will cry for the duration.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/01/2019 20:14

YANBU - but don't get sucked into feeling angry about them when you need emotional strength for other things just now. You could puzzle/rage/deal with that later.

Take her with you, it is often consoling to have a young life at at funeral.

But if you feel you can't or you want to be able to focus on your OH, do ask a friend. She may not cry this time. And if she does both she and the person looking after her will cope and you shouldn't worry.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/01/2019 20:16

Babysitter?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/01/2019 20:22

Seems like you either dont go or take baby with you. Is there not anyone in either family you haven't fallen out with and am ask?

TheBigBangRocks · 11/01/2019 20:24

Just take the baby with you and sit at the back.

If they've already done childcare for your eldest and already done a few times for the new addition as well it's not like they haven't been helpful before. Maybe they don't want to be the default childcare anymore especially if they have to take time off work.

Original poster
Battler1126 · 11/01/2019 20:25

@arethereanyleftatall it would be about half an hour. We would take her there and their bosses dont mind them taking time off to go out and get pissed. My mother finishes work at 3:15 and we would drop baby off at her house. We would be back by 3:30 at the latest. She would only need to leave at 2:50

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 11/01/2019 20:27

YANBU - that's really shit of them. Even quite hands-off family will generally help out for a funeral or other family emergency.

ChoudeBruxelles · 11/01/2019 20:28

Ask a friend. Honestly any good friend would help if they could in the circumstances. Even if the baby cries.

PeaQiwiComHequo · 11/01/2019 20:28

honestly any friend will happily push a pram with a crying baby up and down the road for half an hour. I would do it for you and I don't even know you but I am sure you'd rather it was a friend. it's really not a lot to ask of anyone. sorry your family is being shitty but don't be afraid to ask your friends. someone is bound to say yes.

Wonderbag · 11/01/2019 20:29

They’ve got work.
I think take the baby to the funeral

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/01/2019 20:29

@Battler1136, they've said no, it's totally unreasonable and imo unkind of them but let it go for now.

FWIW If I were you I would pay a babysitter.

User758172 · 11/01/2019 20:30

I just can’t understand grandparents who don’t want to help out in times of crisis, or see much of the DGC in general. What is family for? Confused It’s wonderful for children to have involved grandparents.

Is there a friend you could ask to babysit, just for the duration of the service?

Sorry you’re in this situation OP Flowers

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 11/01/2019 20:31

I can't understand them not wanting to help. But since it is that way, can you take the baby with you? I took my two little ones to my MIL's funeral. I stayed near the back and had to go out a couple of times but it was OK. I think it lightened people's moods and the children were too young to understand what it was all about.

Justajot · 11/01/2019 20:34

Whilst that is crap, you need to come up with something. I knew someone who used an emergency nanny for a funeral. The nanny just met them at the church, took the baby for a walk and gave them back when the service ended. Could you do that?

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 11/01/2019 20:34

Pay a babysitter, warn them about teething baby. I have looked after my friend's very clingy child so she could go to her Mum's funeral.

It wasn't pretty but it was only 4 hours, and we got through it with a lot of snacks and distraction.

Flowers sorry about your Dp's Dad.

MrsEricBana · 11/01/2019 20:36

You just need to take her with you. Honestly most people don't have anyone they can just leave their baby with. We had to either take dc or not go when they were little.

ElvisParsley · 11/01/2019 20:36

sitters.co.uk

They only have childcare professionals, so nannies, nursery staff, childminders, teaching assistants etc, so used to babies and their pecadilloes. All DBS checked and insured. You do have to pay for a minimum 3 hours, but as a one off, I would do it .

Flowers
DelurkingAJ · 11/01/2019 20:39

YANBU - if it were my DSis and DNeice I would just take the day off. I’m sorry for your loss.

Marshmallow91 · 11/01/2019 20:40

Tell your "family" to forget your number. Unlike most people who post on threads, I've actually read what you've said.

If it were me, I'd tell them all to do one. They can make time for nights out, friends etc but not for this? Those aren't people you need to keep in your life.

Go to the funeral, but leave at the beginning while your husband pays his respects. Sit in the car with her or go a walk. Once it's over, quickly leave so you don't have to put up with the nonsense from his family either. Flowers

DobbinsVeil · 11/01/2019 20:42

You're not selfish and they are being incredibly unkind. But it doesn't sound like they are going to change their minds, and there's not much you can do about that. Like pp have said, it's asking friends or paying a sitter. I can understand you feel awkward about leaving a fractious baby with a friend/sitter, but so long as they know, I'm sure you'll get a positive response from someone who can handle it so you can go to the funeral.

Areyouongluedear · 11/01/2019 20:43

That’s shit but not much you can do except
-take baby with you
-ask friends and distant family, cousins etc if they can push her around for 30-45 mins( you need to allow time after if your DP needs a cry or there’s a delay in the service)
-hire a babysitter/childminder/nanny to do it, there’s lots of agencies about.

DaphneDiligaf · 11/01/2019 20:44

This is unbelievable - I'd look after your baby for you if I could.

Charley50 · 11/01/2019 20:46

They are being unreasonable but just take the baby with you. Don't mean to make a crass joke but if she cries she'll fit right in!

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