AIBU to expect my mother, dad or brother to look after my baby for half an hour?

[Battler1126]

So.. short version is..
Its my father in laws funeral on Monday (he died on Xmas day) my fella really needs me and I want to be there to support him but none of my family will look after our baby. I hardly ever ask them. They've had her 3 times in 10 months.. but this is important! It's not like we just want a bit of time to ourselves or want to go drinking. ITS HIS DADS FUNERAL!!! We wont even go to the wake so we don't put on to anyone.
We've sorted everything and had to empty his house with the baby there. Not with ONE offer of help. She won't stay with anyone at the minute so I can't even ask friends cause she just cries for 20 mins after ive gone, but surely I should be able to rely on my parents at a time like this? Am I being selfish to want them to have her so I can support my other half at this horrific time?

They've had your 10 month old 3 times over night and you think that's shit? And they are both working? YABU.

What does twisty even mean? Never heard that description before.

Where are you? I’m an Ofsted registered. Nanny. I’ll have her. No charge. If you’re in Leeds

OP cross post just seen your update about FIL not wanting kids there - in that case if you don't have childcare it's looking like you wont be able to attend.

My mum's cremation was a very small occasion and very quick. Under 10 minutes. I also wouldn't be taking a baby into a situation where a fight could break out.

I hope you can work something out Battler1126

It doesn't make sense that your FIL doesn't want kids there; and a newborn baby isn't really a 'kid' as they will be unaware that they're at a funeral. I agree with a pp's comment about the circle of life. What does your partner think?

How doesn't it make sense Charley50? FIL expressed his wishes wrt his funeral. Whilst they don't have to be adhered to, the son and daughter want to respect his wishes and aren't taking their DC.

@dobbinsveil thanks for that. The reason I didn't want to say why kids weren't going is because it wasn't about that and I knew someone would ask why. X

@ILOVE thank you so much honey but I'm in county Durham xx

I think you are just going to have to go and sit outside with baby. You will still be supporting DH that way. And maybe have nothing to do with your family again.

I hope it all works out Battler1126. My parents were separated for many years before my mum died. My dad seriously suggested not having a funeral for her as she lived 400 miles away from me and the logistics would be difficult. He was amazed my in-laws were having my 4 DC so DH could come with me.

I won't ask mates as its not really anything to do with them.

Of course it is. This is exactly what mates do - help each other out if they can.

I was going to say that YANBU at first, as I assumed your parents, and / or your brother were available and refusing to have your dc, but it is very different since you've said they are at work. I don't think you can expect people to take time off work to look after a baby for someone else to go to a funeral.

However, a babysitter, or ask a friend to walk them round in the pram for the duration of the service, then take dc to the wake afterwards. I think the 'afterwards' bit is really a important part of the grieving process and your dh would regret not going there to share memories. Little ones (that - like you, I wouldn't take to the funeral service) can lift the mood afterwards at the tea / celebration of the person's life.

My kids have been to plenty of funeral's.
Sit near the back. Family may like a baby there, they are a nice distraction.
The funeral is realistically not going to be 30 mins. It's going to be longer.
Your family have work
They have had your baby three times, but your baby is at a clingy stage and will no doubt he much harder work.

Honestly message around all your friends one might be free! I know if it was me I'd move heaven and earth to help you. I'm absolutely dumbstruck that none of your family have offered to help but I suppose some people really are that selfish. I hope you get it sorted OP.

Honestly if a friend asked me if I could help, I would take a bit of flexitime. Especially if you are not even attending the wake. Just ask friends. If they all say no you aren't in a worse position than you are now.

Jesus wept does nobody read what OP is posting?!? And why are so many posters pushy on children attending funerals?

OP I agree your family’s being a bit shit. Its times like this you realise who you can rely on. I would hire someone for an hour and remember this should your family ever ask for a favour.

But the OP has already said that the aunt and uncle tried to start a fight at MILs funeral. It's perfectly fine for the OP's DH to decide against going to a wake with them there and not to take his child to the funeral either. He knows his family so I am not sure why it would be better to go against what he thinks is right. The wakes on my mum's side of the family could get very out of hand, and often ended in a brawl! Small cremations can be very quick, my mum's was under 10 mins.

Under the circumstances, yanbu.

But just take the baby in with you. We took noisy, autistic Ds2 to MIL's funeral, last year. Dh was secretly relieved at having an excuse to opt out of the god bits!

Cheeeeislifenow The OP has repeated several times that she cannot take the baby to the funeral. You might do that in your family, but it has been made very clear this is a child free funeral.

Also, in all the crems near us, the slots are very, very strictly half an hour - many. many funerals are in and out in 20mins.

x posted

I would message your friends, I know you don't want to inconvenience them and yes ideally family would be better. But if my friend messaged me I would do it in a heartbeat!
Sorry your parents are dragging there heels making a tough day even harder.

Yes it baffles me too. My own parents can be a bit like this. They’ll sometimes have the kids but only if it suits, for very short periods and certainly wouldn’t put themselves out in anyway. They make it clear that a couple of hours at a time is the limit.

Sorry, just saw your bit about FIL not wanting children there.

I'm up your way, but I'm just a random stranger off the Internet and definitely not OFSTED registered!

Based on what you gave said I can fully understand why you feel you can't take the baby to the funeral. I can also understand why you want up be there to support your partner (which you couldn't do properly with a baby there anyway.
I can also understand why you feel it us not unreasonable for your parents to help.
However, it doesn't seem that their help is an option.
I would ask your friends if any are free and could have the baby for you. You may be surprised as someone may be off work and happy to help a friend. If not do you think any of your daughters friends parents could help for such a short time.

What about asking a parent of your older child's friend? Surely there must be someone who could come and push the baby around the grounds for 20 minutes. I've had friends children before to help them out if they have something that they can't miss. Or your eldest child school? Is there a part time TA etc that might be able to help.