AIBU to expect my mother, dad or brother to look after my baby for half an hour?

[Battler1126]

So.. short version is..
Its my father in laws funeral on Monday (he died on Xmas day) my fella really needs me and I want to be there to support him but none of my family will look after our baby. I hardly ever ask them. They've had her 3 times in 10 months.. but this is important! It's not like we just want a bit of time to ourselves or want to go drinking. ITS HIS DADS FUNERAL!!! We wont even go to the wake so we don't put on to anyone.
We've sorted everything and had to empty his house with the baby there. Not with ONE offer of help. She won't stay with anyone at the minute so I can't even ask friends cause she just cries for 20 mins after ive gone, but surely I should be able to rely on my parents at a time like this? Am I being selfish to want them to have her so I can support my other half at this horrific time?

Staggeringly selfish of them, I really feel for you. So sorry for your loss OP

Thank you all for your advice. My heads all over the place. I just didn't know where to turn. I hate the thought of putting on to anyone so this has made an already horrible situation worse. Looks like I'm going to have to hire someone as taking her isnt an option. What's the point if I have to walk out? The whole idea is that I'm there for my OH to support him. I'm a bit worried about leaving her with a stranger as its something Ive never done with either of my kids x

You will still be supporting him even if you have to go outside for a bit. He actually might find it comforting having his baby there with him.

I took DD to MIL's funeral service at 6 months after our child care fell through (she was going to the wake anyway) I stood at the back and took her outside when she got restless. The lovely funeral director offered to push her around the churchyard so I could go back in.

Is the funeral really going to take half an hour or less? You said you want to drop your baby off at 2.50, go to the funeral and be back to collect her at 3.30 - have I misunderstood? I've been to a few funerals recently, mostly basic cremations, not even full church services, and none has been that short. Usually you'd expect to get there 10-15 mins beforehand, the service is maybe half an hour, then everyone is outside for another 15 mins or so to offer condolences, look at the flowers, etc & I think it would be really rude to leave straight away, especially for close family. And why aren't you going to the wake? I think YANBU in expecting your family to help out at a time of need, but also I wonder if your family think it will actually be a much longer amount of time than you are saying?

I also agree with everyone saying to take your baby with you. Taking older children is different, that's a decision you need to take depending on your own children and how they might cope, but it's surely ok to take a baby to a funeral - as others say, stay at the back and you can step outside if your baby is crying. If your dh's family is really likely to start fighting, maybe having a baby around will help calm them a bit.

Another idea, rather than ask a friend to take time off work which they might feel awkward refusing, could you put something on your facebook to ask if any of your local friends could possibly mind her for an hour or so during the funeral? That way someone could volunteer if they can but don't have to feel bad about saying no. And if your family are on your fb, hopefully they might feel guilty.

My DP’s dad passed away in November. A month and a day after DD2 was born. It was obviously horrible. We took DD1 (3yo) and DD2 into the service. They were the only children. I went for my DP, of course, and he wanted the girls there.
I know you said you can’t take DC so I would get a babysitter to walk DC around outside. Just meeting you near the car to avoid the nasty relatives.

I'd happily look after a crying baby for a friend in need. Babys cry, it's what they do if something bothers them like teething. Better to be with an understanding comforting friend than a family member who doesn't care enough IMO.

Just take her, and tell your selfish family to go fuck themselves!!!

Your baby is close family, this is her grandad. Nobody normal will begrudge her being there x

I wouldn't expect anyone to take time off work to look after my child,not unless it was something completely unavoidable like hospital admission.

I really do not understand why you cannot take a baby to a funeral. Even if the ILS kick off, you just turn around and walk away. A baby isn't going to be affected by that.

I didn't go to FIL's funeral actually as I had a breastfed weeks old baby. That probably wasn't fair on DH.

I’m kind of on the fence.

You’re asking your family to take time off work (yet say you can’t ask your friends as they have work)

There’s no actual practical reason you can’t take the baby to the cremation except you’re anxious about your DP’s family fall out and that may be trickier to deal with with a baby in tow (although personally I’d think she’d provide the perfect excuse to disappear with DP if things get difficult)

You know your baby is very clingy at the moment and so presumably will be difficult

All in all I think the balance says take her with you rather than expect parents to take time off work.

Take your baby to the funeral. Babies are important at funerals - and especially wakes, as they remind people of positive end of the circle of life.

A quarter of your baby's genes come from your FIL. She is your FIL's legacy, part of him lives on in her. It will give some people who loved him, great comfort to meet her.

If she cries, just pop out. And at the wake, let other people cuddle her if she's up for it.

I took DS to a funeral when he was a baby and I hardly held him at the wake, he got passed around all the relatives, who all wanted a cuddle.

I am another who would offer to walk your baby around at the Crem so that you could go. (I do have a clean Check) Probably you are nowhere near me though. Is there no-one around your area who could take the baby for such a short time?
You said that your parents used to be good with your elder child but not so good with this baby. They are 10 years older now. They may also be worried about taking time off and being made unemployed/ redundant. As they are older it would be harder to get another job now.
Hope you work something out

You should totally be there for DP. If your family are that selfish and you can't ask friends, hire someone. All 10mos are whingey, any normal person would acknowledge that. If you lived near me I'd babysit no problem.

You say SIL isn't taking her children. Is this because, like your eldest, they'll be at school or is someone on her DH's side looking after them. I realise it's venturing dangerously into CF territory, but if they're being looked after would you be able to ask if their babysitter would be able to take your daughter for the service too. If absolutely nobody else can it really is your last option.

There's no other kids going though. I appreciate that people have taken their kids but it's already an awkward situation with my DH family. Theyre not nice people. They've only seen my baby once and didnt even talk to her. They asked how "it" was. Its been awkward with them since they caused hassle at MIL funeral. It would be wrong of me to take my baby when nobody else is taking their kids. Its only a short service as someone from the salvation army will say something then my DH is saying a few words. 1 song will be played then thats it. FIL didnt want a big or long service. He wasn't religious. Most people that are going havent talked to him for about 4 years. We're sticking to what he wanted. It will be about 15 minutes. It takes 5 mins to get there/back and we wont be hanging around afterwards as we don't want any drama. We're doing something with SIL on Tuesday night. Hence the reason we will only be half an hour or so. Really not much longer.
If they hadn't taken time off work to get pissed or have trips away with mates I wouldn't have asked. I RARELY ask anyone for help. Its not like this is a weekly thing.
I won't ask mates as its not really anything to do with them. If even 1 was free I know I would have someone for my baby. Shameful that my daughter's grandparents put anything before their family (apart from my brother). My parents technically should be coming with us to support their SIL and see off their GC grandad. But the least I thought ONE of them could do was help at a time like this. I dunno what I'm going to do.

Thank you so much to you lovely people saying you would have her. Its a lovely gesture xx

I think your refusal to take your baby looks very childish and stubborn. You seem intent on blaming your parents when the simple solution (taking baby) is available.

Taking children is different to taking a babe in arms and you know it.

We took our 6 month old to my FILs funeral.

When he was just over 2, we took him to my DMs funeral.

The only time when he "misbehaved"is when he tried to get on stage with me to do the eulogy, but it gave us all a good laugh.

On both occasions, we were glad to take him. People were glad to see him.

The situatuon may not be perfect but I think you should just take your child. It's not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things.

@cuppycakey, even if she could take the baby, if the baby is high needs she'd be no use there with the baby, as it will be taking all her attention so she is unable to support her DH. I didn't take my DC to my DM's funeral, I needed to be free to put myself first to grieve without having to focus on the DC.

Took my 6 month old to funeral of my uncle, no other children. It was fine abd we had a full catholic service and burial.

If the service is only 15 mins long thete's little chance they will need taking out. Feed, wind, change just before you leave and taje a teething chew (not a squeaky Sophie!). Who cares what DH family think? You'll be lucky to see them at all in such a short service and happy to say a baby inadvertently provided lots of smiles and light relief at my family funeral.

That ssid it's pretty awful behaviour from your family. Any chance your dad could come, push baby around the block for 20 mins before his shift so it's lirerally a few minutes?

Actually cupcakey its neither childish nor stubborn. Its an agreement between family. Not that i should explain myself but.. My FIL DIDN'T want children there. ANY of them. We are honouring his wishes. Also, I don't want my baby around when things could go wrong at any minute. I'm NOT blaming my parents for that. I'm stating I FEEL they aren't doing the right thing. Hence the reason I'm ASKING OPINIONS. If I was being childish and stubborn I would have stuck to my feelings and said nothing.
Thanks tho hun. It was nice of you to take time out to reply to me.

You have two choices here-
You either take her
Or you don’t.

You say taking her is something you can’t do.
So that only leaves not taking her.

Now you have to decide how to facilitate this.
You need somebody to look after her for a short time. So you have to find a babysitter.
You can either ask someone you know
Or find a professional person.

Could you ask the mum of one of your 10 year olds friends?
I would look after a baby so a mother could go to a funeral.
Neighbours - do you have a relationship with any of them?
Could you ask a friend to take a half days holiday and pay them for the inconvenience?
If NO then you have no option but to go down the professional route.

FFS, she doesn't want to take the baby (for a myriad of reasons, if people bother to read) so can posters stop suggesting that!!!

I think hired help or a good friend is the way to go OP.

It's the rest of your DHs relatives decision whether or not they take their kids, likewise it's your decision based on your circumstances if you take yours. You don't have forthcoming childcare so you have the right to take her, regardless of what your DH relatives may think. You don't have 'invites' to a funeral. Similarly, if it really is such a short service only 15 mins and 5 minutes travel time either side, then I don't see the problem for 25 minutes.
You seem very disappointed with your parents for not offering to look after your daughter, but i read your other thread just before this one, where there was a big fall out with them and your brother just before Christmas, so are you all on speaking terms now?, I can't help thinking rightly or wrongly this situation isn't as clear cut as you seem to make out in this post.
It's obvious you and your family have had a tough few weeks, take your baby daughter with you to the funeral. Don't engage with DH family beforehand, and just leave after the service.