Friend of 15 years has made hurtful comments about me on this site- what do I do?

[blueyonder]

okay, i know this is all anonymous, and she is not writing things to maliciously pee me off. But she has been raving about MN for months, so I came on a week or so ago and started browsing the threads. Was pretty horrified to find a few posts directly about me, things that have annoyed her that I have done (one which I had no idea of, the other an old rift that we had to work hard to get over....pretty shocked to read that she thinks its 100% my fault; when in fact she treated me truly appallingly and it took me a long time to get over).

What do I do? Tell her Ive read her posts, and that Im angry and hurt, or say nothing and pretend I dont know? It puts a kind of blight on our friendship for me that not only can she think those things but shes happy to broadcast to the world! I would never dream of airing all her flaws in this way.
Am I over-reacting?

Phew, for a minute I thought this was me >paranoid emoticon

fa, you have been far too concerned about your baby & it's crap dad to be slagging off your friend.

Whoever it is must know who they are.

blueyonder, do you know your friends username? For sure? Are you 100% sure you couldn't have gotten her mixed up with someone else?

I can appreciate your anger as I have posted about friends sometimes as I have wanted the opinions of MN's. Just because I did'nt know how to react or deal with a situation. But I would be mortified if they found out it was me - although I have never said anything maliciosy (sp). But I admit I can be judgemental about people (my biggest flaw and one I am working on).

If you were my friends I would be very embarassed at being comfronted and I would feel horrified that I had offended you.
Although having read you're OP again I can see in your case she is actually blaming you for an event. So it is completely reasonable of you to feel angry and hurt. All I can say is please be careful if you dont want to open old wounds again.

I hope you resolve it well

Good luck
XX

No not exactly. I've talked about an old situation which was both of our faults, but only talked about it from my 'outraged' pov 'at the time', as it related to a situation the person was struggling with. I didn't intend it to imply that it was solely my friend's fault, and we have now become close again which I'm hugely grateful for...it wasn't a thread I started, just a passing comment on someone else's. And it was a while ago...at least a few weeks, but she could easily have found it if she searched under my name.

Stupid of me really. It is an old wound that I'd not like to open up again as I suspect she still feels I was awful to her, while i still think she was a bit out of order...of course, we probably both were.

Everything else fits, so I hope it is just coincidence...will be more careful in future as I realise it could happen, if it hasn't already.

Thing is, what would her friend be able to say to make it right? There's nothing. It would just be awful. I guess the damage is already done though.

Trouble is you can get into a habit of talking on MN like everyone on it is your friend, and there to confide in...whereas it is accessible to everyone and so you might well offend someone if you confide the wrong thing.

Sorry, only read op.
I wouldn't worry about it, or say anything. She probably came on for advice, and wasn't naming you or anything. Maybe she needed to sort her head out, but didn't want to upset you? And she didn't really broadcast it to the world if its anonymous - this is what mumsnet is for - I posted about my dh's pants..

lol at Suzy.

but if it helps in any way I sometimes post things that aren't really true - sometimes for effect, sometimes because I'm angry, sometimes because I can't be bothered to explain properly so exaggerate a little instead (if you see what I mean).

everything else I say is true.

(except this )

Er...OP, you have just broadcast to the world that your friend 'treated you appallingly' - so it seems you're not above a little internet complaining either!

Clearly neither of you has really got over the incident, deep down.

So you are shocked that she feels this way - yet you say you feel it was all down to her.

From this I'd gather that you both did work hard to rebuild your friendship, overcoming your private convictions in order to do so...each of you still feels hurt and resentful of the other person, but you have both chosen to overrie these feelings because your firendship is bigger than the one incident/disagreement.

I'm sure she didn't think for a minute that you'd figure out who she was, and I hope you manage to keep the friendship that means so much to you both...as someone else said, everyone offloads, somewhere...maybe she doesn't have thatmany RL friends and feels safe doing so on MN. Try not to be too angry though yes, it must have hurt.

{{hugs}}

Hell I think if all my friends and acquaintances read my comments and knew who I was no-one would ever speak to me again..

I do tend to moan about people that have upset me etc, things that I would never bother to say to their faces etc as not really a big deal in the whole scheme of things, but enough to cheese me off for an hour or two!..

So I am another one wondering is blueyonder my best mate.....

Anyone know how many active members MN has? It could be any of them.

Surfer Rose - you dude! Truly fantastic post x

OP -

hope you sort it x

This is so funny, because I bet everyone who reads the thread title has a mini heart attack and things 'omg, it's me'!

Not me, none of my friends last 15 years

Oh this has made me laugh so much! And makes it all seem much lighter...thanks...I'm going to sort it with her in person, silly to have a spat in cyber space! Don't worry the rest of you, she knows who she is! Surferrosa, thanks for your insightful comments- think you hit the nail on the head. I'm not going to spoil our friendship over it, and everyone does need a place to vent their feelings, I guess everyone does it. Thanks everyone for making me feel so much better Think I may take a break from this site, because if it's like a diary to her then I don't wanna be reading it!!

Yup you can all relax...twas me. I knew it.
She's been very magnanimous about it.

Just to clarify I didn't write loads of horrible stuff about her. In case anyone thinks I'm really nasty but should have operated with a little more discretion nonetheless.

Public apology herewith.

now you two go and sit in the corner and play nicely

FWIW I think almost everyone has a tendency to exaggerate and / or distort things on here

it's a good place in theory to let off steam and just rant about your feelings without having to be fair to the other person

having said that I think now MN is such a large place, that it isn't really a safe place to speak anonymously any more

I have seen three threads now where the person, or a friend of the person being spoken about, has come on and read what's been said

and I have read someone talking crap about me (and jeez was that a load of old half-truths and exaggeration )

I hope you two can sort yourselves out and not let this pollute your friendship

Good point Franny. Let's hope they can...twould appear OP has trawled through over 500 of FA's posts, which might make for someone feeling very exposed...however if they are good pals IRL I suppose they talk about most stuff anyway.

I think they can consider themselves even, after that...if both a little battered!

Squonk

Glad that's all sorted now!

Funny how many people though "ooh, is that me?"! Makes you think doesn't it about how public this is, even with the apparent anonymity.

Glad you've got it sorted FA and blueyonder. You just have to remember pregnancy is a tough time, and has been especially for you. We've all vented and perhaps posted things then regretted it. Sometimes you do just need to vent and it's easy to forget that anyone can read this.

It's given me a warning anyway!

Glad you sorted it out! Gonna now make sure I'm more careful too - lesson learned from you to is a positive one.