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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend of 15 years has made hurtful comments about me on this site- what do I do?

46 replies

blueyonder · 29/06/2007 11:08

okay, i know this is all anonymous, and she is not writing things to maliciously pee me off. But she has been raving about MN for months, so I came on a week or so ago and started browsing the threads. Was pretty horrified to find a few posts directly about me, things that have annoyed her that I have done (one which I had no idea of, the other an old rift that we had to work hard to get over....pretty shocked to read that she thinks its 100% my fault; when in fact she treated me truly appallingly and it took me a long time to get over).

What do I do? Tell her Ive read her posts, and that Im angry and hurt, or say nothing and pretend I dont know? It puts a kind of blight on our friendship for me that not only can she think those things but shes happy to broadcast to the world! I would never dream of airing all her flaws in this way.
Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
littlelapin · 29/06/2007 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spider · 29/06/2007 11:12

I would ask her face to face. MN can be like a diary and it's best not to assume that everything written is an absolute truth. Things are written on here from emotional standpoints so are not always rational.

If you value her as a friend you should let her know you're hurt, but try not to over react as I'm sure if you are such good friends there's more to her feelings than can be gleaned from her posts.

sniff · 29/06/2007 11:12

some people use mn just to vent I realise you must be upset but because they think its anon they say things they wouldnt normally say

talk to her about it

LucyLamb · 29/06/2007 11:12

Tricky !!

If she had said these things to someone rather than to Mumsnet you would never have known. And to be honest you have obviously gone trawling through her posts to dig out this stuff, which is a bit like asking someone what your friend has said about you !

I think you have to either pretend you haven't read it - or confront her. Personally I would pretend I didn't know - and just learn my lesson.

My mother always used to say that people who listened at doors would always hear stuff they wouldn't like ! Maybe that's true on MN too ?

FluffyMummy123 · 29/06/2007 11:12

Message withdrawn

Enid · 29/06/2007 11:13

you arent the one with the 'controlling' dh are you?

LucyLamb · 29/06/2007 11:13

FWIW I have vented on here about my bf - and if she read what I had written she would be mightily fed up - but I would never recommend MN to her ! I like to keep MN and RL separate !

KaySamuels · 29/06/2007 11:14

It was a little slap dash of her to air her views, and then go on about loving mumsnet, obviously you would have a look on her recommendation! How did you know her name did she tell you it? I would pop round to see her and talk to her about it. Maybe she had no-one else to talk to when you fell out and this was her only outlet for her feelings? Not defending, just that I am sure she would be mrtified to realise you have read her posts and are upset.

thirtysomething · 29/06/2007 11:14

you are not over-reacting. I'm thinking maybe she wanted you to read the stuff if she's told you she posts on MN. Did she tell you her MN name? Doesn't sound like a very good friend tbh. I think you need to decide if you want to keep the friendship going, in which case you may have to come clean that you've seen her posts and give her you point of view, or you decide it's not worth pursuing the friendship.

flibbertyjibbet · 29/06/2007 11:28

I don't really recommend mn to friends as they might work out who I am from when I say things about DSs and their ages etc. But also I don't post anything about anyone who might identify themselves in it, or be recognised by anyone on mn who knows them.
There's a rant I'd just LOVE to have about BIL's GF at the mo but I'm too chicken as it would be very obvious to anyone else who knows her, who the person is!!
What a stupid person to rave about mn and then post about you. Why not tell her you have been on mn and found some posts very interesting - then watch how many shades of beetroot she goes. (Or just ditch her as you don't need friends like that).

LucyLamb · 29/06/2007 11:32

Did she give you her MN name though ? Or did you rummage about until you find her?

I think that is significant !

If I gave a friend my name and recommended the site I would know that she would go and read all my stuff - but if I just mentioned MN to her I don't think I would expect her to sniff me out and read all my back posts. TBH if that was the case I would be p'ed off with my friend !

Everyone talks about everyone else in my experience - it's a fact of life !

Oblomov · 29/06/2007 11:40

We all post about experiences, our dh, our children, our bf, our sil. Thats what MN is for. What did you think she was going to be posting about ?

choosyfloosy · 29/06/2007 11:40

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is thinking whether this could possibly be me. I know that I have posted stuff about people that I would hate them to read - I fondly imagine that they are unrecognisable in the way I post them.

I don't think you're overreacting. I personally would try to carry on as if I had never read the posts, but that would be my personality. I don't know if you will be able to. This feels like the kind of thing that can kill a friendship.

Oblomov · 29/06/2007 11:41

I never post anything on here, that I wouldn't say to the person in Rl - given half a chance. Some people are not like that - but that is the risk you take.

Original poster
blueyonder · 29/06/2007 11:43

Thanks everyone, good to hear everyone's thoughts. I think her fatal error was to keep telling me how great mn was (which it is!) (and I found her posts accidently - but soon realised they were about me!) I think I'll mull it over for a few days till I've calmed down! Then I think I will try to talk to her about it. It's hard because I know she wasn't intending me to read them, and I'm probably over-reacting.

OP posts:
flightattendant · 29/06/2007 14:52

Oh God. Was it me????? (Gonna answer this in a personal kind of way, imagining it is...)

If so then I'm truly sorry. I suppose it is a bit like an anonymous sort of diary thing, I would never dream of giving any information that might identify my friend to anyone...also if it were my posts that had upset her so much, I would add that it is only one side of the story, and i think that is evident to anyone who reads this site. And having thrashed out the problem I was discussing with her, I suppose I'd assume that if we were over it, and had both apologised for our own parts in it, it was now a sort of irrelevant anecdote that might help others in a similar position.

Perhaps I'm wrong. In which case I hereby resign as friend

I usually exaggerate a bit or use the space to rant anyway...it should be taken with a pinch of salt, but I can understand how it could be really shocking to read about oneself in that way.

nailpolish · 29/06/2007 14:55

enid, di dyou mean my thread?
it couldnt be me cos i dont tell anyone about MN. i like being anonymous too much

pointydog · 29/06/2007 15:11

it's easy to get carried awa y with emotions and anecdotes on a message board. If she's a good friend to you in RL, I would treat that as more important than what she chooses to yabber about on mn.

flightattendant · 29/06/2007 15:19

...also it is a bit like reading someone's diary...you're quite likely to find something un-sparklingly complimentary about yourself if you look. Friendships are full of negative feelings as well as positive...I am quite sure that many of my friend's friends will have heard not so great things about me, and I would not be surprised to know she had posted some of these on an anonymous forum. Sometimes you need other people's perspective on your problems to deal with them in a non-friendship-threatening manner IRL. It can take the pressure off.

Blu · 29/06/2007 15:21

WEll, she's probably seent the thread title and read the OP by now, so whatever you do, she'll know what you're thinking about it.

I can guarantee that every single MN-er will reas this thread in case it is about them!!

But presumably you thought of that....

suzywong · 29/06/2007 15:21

oh enough of the suckin up
give us a link to offending threads and let us be the judges

Oblomov · 29/06/2007 15:23

Suzywong - yes thats right, cut the crap, Someone give us a link and then we can make an informed suggestion.

flightattendant · 29/06/2007 15:27

It's probably me....>

She writes like my friend. Who is totally wonderful btw

Oblomov · 29/06/2007 15:37

This is starting to make me cross now. Will someone tell us who the friend is. Flight , you keep saying its me - have you been slagging off your friend of 15 years then ?

Bananaknickers · 29/06/2007 15:43

Thing is if your mate is like me I find it easier to talk about things on here as they don't know me and they don't know you.It's just offloading.I think it's better than talking about you behind your back with a mutual friend.
Bet you offloadd to someone about the situation you have been in. Same thing just done on the internet.Dosen't mean she thinks any less of you.
I don't see how you could have just come across her threads. If you have it out with her you will have to admit you were snooping