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Original poster

Adult stepson

107 replies

sunshineandmojitos · 10/01/2019 19:52

This is a long one and I need to rant. Am I out of order?

So DP has 3 children from previous marriage 15-23. We have a 3 yo and a baby due in April.

His 23 yo son lives with us, rent free it emerges and does nothing around the house. Doesn't clean or contribute in anyway, leaves his bedroom in a total shit tip and eats dinner with us in the evening. Dinner that I cook. He doesn't clear up, leaves his dirty dishes in room until he's pestered to bring them to the dishwasher.... totally freeloads. I find it very difficult to establish a positive relationship with him as he is not only lazy but also rude and condescending.

There is talk of him moving out but he's making no headway on this situation and is pretty much waiting for his dad to organise something for him. He seems totally incapable of any adult responsibility.

We live in DP's house. I have my own property which I now rent out. I'm currently a SAHM and obviously pregnant. DP obviously pays for everything but it emerges that son contributes nothing. I feel DP allows him to get away with this as it stems back to years of guilt leaving his ex and family due to an affair. I raised my shock at the freeloading and he says he will ask him to pay, meant to do it a while ago....

We argue frequently over his son. I feel it's ruining our relationship, which quite frankly it is. I'm constantly frustrated and do admittedly take things out on DP and his son. This obviously causes issues....
but I'm so sick of sharing what should be my home with someone who lives like a slob (thankfully he pretty much lives in his room) and takes the piss without giving anything back.

So how can we move forward with this? It's hard enough now but I just foresee the summer arriving with the new baby and things getting more and more frustrating. He won't have moved out by then, I know. I can't continue the constant arguments with DP either. He says he understands my frustrations and has words with his son but it ultimately reverts back to the same old shitty situation....

OP posts:
R2G · 10/01/2019 19:56

Serve notice on your rental property. Move back there. You need to be at peace when the baby arrives. If your husband sees the light he can come there with you and rent the other rooms in his house if he can’t bring himself to remove son.

Dartilla · 10/01/2019 19:56

I think with a newborn around, hopefully he might want to move out pretty sharpish!

But yeah...he's an adult and still acting like a (lazy) teenager. It's hard though because you're in DP's house and he's made a rod for his own back by not installing a few rules a lot sooner.

I'd insist. He's an adult and should either contribute or move out.

And definitely stop making him dinner. He can do his own.

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 10/01/2019 19:57

Give him a date to be gone by or you will go.
Your dh is a wimp.

Tell him so!

Bythebeach · 10/01/2019 19:58

Was the 23 year old resident when you moved in? If so, it really is his home as much as yours -although of course living rent free at 23 won’t be helping him to be the adult he should be at his age.

Ignore his room and don’t cook for him unless he contributes to the household either with chores or financially. Does he work? Have a girlfriend/partner? Encourage any burgeoning independence but chucking him out seems pretty mean.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 10/01/2019 19:59

I’d be serving notice on the home and moving back there.

BathTangle · 10/01/2019 20:00

Does he have a job?

Magicstar1 · 10/01/2019 20:01

Wasn’t it his home first? You chose to move in and cook and clean for him. Whether he pays anything is not really your problem either...you have your own home if you don’t like it.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/01/2019 20:01

If your partner refuses to address his cocklodger of a son, your relationship is doomed. Living like this is untenable. Thank heaven's you were smart enough to hang onto your property.

Original poster
sunshineandmojitos · 10/01/2019 20:02

I totally agree with you all. I'm so close to moving out. But I can't face having this baby and my son on my own. He's such a good Dad and our relationship is usually good, apart from this which we just don't agree on.
I tried to think of it as our son living with him at that age, I wouldn't want him being thrown out. But then again I wouldn't want my son acting in this way, with little or no work ethic or respect for his home or those around him.

I also don't want this lazy bastard ruining mine and my babies life by splitting up their family.

Agggghhhh it's so difficult

OP posts:
XmasPostmanBos · 10/01/2019 20:04

Maybe he resents the fact that you are living rent free with his father. You might think it's fair enough as you are raising his kids but from the sons point of view if he hadn't married you and had more kids then he could have given more time and attention to his older children and helped them out in life more.

Original poster
sunshineandmojitos · 10/01/2019 20:05

Yes he was here to begin with but only as a temporary measure. It's gone on and on...
He moved out for a while with his GF but when that ended returned, again temporarily.

He has a good job. Can well afford his own place...

I don't clean for him- am just a bit of a clean freak so have an immaculate home. He eats if here. The alternative would be for him to cook for himself and mess up the kitchen.

OP posts:
BathTangle · 10/01/2019 20:05

If he worked, contributed financially and practically to the household and treated the place with respect, I would imagine you would be ok with it, as it is his home too. Can you speak to your partner on this basis?

Original poster
sunshineandmojitos · 10/01/2019 20:09

XmasPostmanBos

I haven't always lived rent free. In fact had a very well paid job which I intend to get back to after babies. Since when is bringing my your DP's children free-loading and rent free?

He can resent all he wants but he's an adult. Needs to grow some, act like one and contribute, in my opinion

OP posts:
Aprilshowerswontbelong · 10/01/2019 20:11

Maybe a crying baby will be some motivation?

Aroundtheworldandback · 10/01/2019 20:26

My dh solved the problem by renting his 2 soms flats. Same ages as your dss. So the problem is the same, it just isn’t under my nose. Your ss is carrying on as a teenager which is not totally unusual in itself, obviously being enabled by his dad.

Onecabbage · 10/01/2019 20:30

Could you let your partners son rent your old place?

If you serve notice on the current residents would you be willing to let your stepson have it at an attractive price just to get him out? Just an idea.

theculture · 10/01/2019 20:32

I think though you said you won't let him in the kitchen? It might help his sense if responsibility if he took his turns to cook for the family etc

does your dp take any role in the household, cooking or cleaning?

Original poster
sunshineandmojitos · 10/01/2019 20:38

theculture
Perhaps if I could move past his hygiene standards Confused

DP is very hands on with cleaning and Daddying. He works away for a few days every other week but does his fair share when he's here

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 10/01/2019 21:34

Sign him up as a club rep to club med. or a ski season rep. or on an overland tour, or doing volunteering in uganda or something to get him far far far away. The army, marines? Red Cross have schemes for 18-30 year olds ............... he isn't going to do this by himself. Many parents charge kids rent, some do it for the financial help, others put 1/2 as a savings for the kid to go away with, you need this kid outta the house....More importantly there's a 23 year old lying in a room and there's a world out there beyond computer games.

StreetwiseHercules · 10/01/2019 21:38

Seems like you have moved into his home and you don’t like having him around. Why should he change to please you in particular. As for financial contribution I’d say that a matter for him and his father.

NyNameIs · 10/01/2019 21:42

I get the impression you thought he was paying rent? Just you used the term it "emerges" twice.
If dh was ok with his adult son living there rent free and the general arrangement before you moved in then the only reason he'd be asking him to pay rent now is because you'd asked him to and I can see why dh might want to avoid charging his son to live in his home because you say he should as he may not want to cause resentment. It sounds like it's been a situation dh is ok with as he'd have charged him board the minute he moved back in or would have discussed what was expected of him before he moved in. Did dh tell you he'd started charging him rent for you but he actually hadn't? I'd be angry at the dh for lying if so.

The housework thing, how did dh and his adult son split the housework before you moved in? How come the three of you didn't discuss who was going to be responsible for what before you moved in? Things like if he makes himself a snack he clears up after himself type stuff and who was going to do what should have been discussed before you moved in. Or did they both do cleaning but the second a woman moves in they've both defaulted the bulk of it to you?

I kind of get the impression that if he were to clean or cook or do laundry you'd think he hadn't done it properly if not done the way you do it, or go around checking he's done it to your standards afterwards. Like if you like things neater and organised than he and his dh had before you moved in your want him to organise and arrange stuff your way? You've already said you'd not be happy with him cooking as you don't rate his hygiene so kind of implies you'd not trust his cleaning hygiene anyway?

I don't think I'd ever charge to my dd to live with me but she'd offer money towards bills anyway which I'd refuse unless they were costing a significant amount more, and if I'm cooking anyway for two adults and a another child anyway another person isn't really any extra work and I wouldn't start charging her for anyone. I'd fully expect her to pull her weight in the house and clear up after herself though but that wouldn't be linked to a new partner moving in, it would be expected of her from when she was a kid and non optional. If your dh has always cleaned up after his son and not made him pitch in then it's him whose created this pattern

I couldn't live with a genuine dirty lazy person and he shouldn't be making mess and leaving it for you to clean for him but if you dh is cleaning up after him rather than telling his son then it's your dh you need to talk to. Can you all sit and discuss a rota?

zippey · 10/01/2019 21:47

It sounds like you feel like it’s your DPs house so you don’t feel like you have equal say in what happens. It sounds like stepson also doesn’t feel this.

If you feel you should have 50% say (do you contribute financially?) then you need to make a stand as if it’s half your place.

I would start by having a family conversation about new rules in the house. Serve him notice to move out if this inevitably breaks down. I would delegate getting dishes, laundry etc to your DP - he will soon realise what you have to put up with. Stop cooking his meals if he can’t respect you.

Babying your stepson will do him more harm in the long run, your partner needs to know this.

You should also think about marriage - you have 2 kids and might be in trouble if the relationship breaks down.

StreetwiseHercules · 10/01/2019 21:55

“I would start by having a family conversation about new rules in the house. Serve him notice to move out if this inevitably breaks down.”

Eh? Sorry, why is this lady in charge and able to dictate to this 23 year old?

SheAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 11/01/2019 04:46

He probably feels exactly the same way about you.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 11/01/2019 06:45

You use the word ‘freeloading’ several times which I personally find unpleasant. It’s his home, his father is happy for him to be there. Plenty of adult children don’t pay rent or help out much. Obviously, there are rights and wrongs to that but presumably dad is OK with it and as a SAHM, you own lack of financial contribution makes it difficult when demanding payment from someone else, I think. You make it sound like he’s a lodger not family. I wonder if you would call your own children freeloaders once they reach the age of 18?

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