Adult stepson

[sunshineandmojitos]

This is a long one and I need to rant. Am I out of order?

So DP has 3 children from previous marriage 15-23. We have a 3 yo and a baby due in April.

His 23 yo son lives with us, rent free it emerges and does nothing around the house. Doesn't clean or contribute in anyway, leaves his bedroom in a total shit tip and eats dinner with us in the evening. Dinner that I cook. He doesn't clear up, leaves his dirty dishes in room until he's pestered to bring them to the dishwasher.... totally freeloads. I find it very difficult to establish a positive relationship with him as he is not only lazy but also rude and condescending.

There is talk of him moving out but he's making no headway on this situation and is pretty much waiting for his dad to organise something for him. He seems totally incapable of any adult responsibility.

We live in DP's house. I have my own property which I now rent out. I'm currently a SAHM and obviously pregnant. DP obviously pays for everything but it emerges that son contributes nothing. I feel DP allows him to get away with this as it stems back to years of guilt leaving his ex and family due to an affair. I raised my shock at the freeloading and he says he will ask him to pay, meant to do it a while ago....

We argue frequently over his son. I feel it's ruining our relationship, which quite frankly it is. I'm constantly frustrated and do admittedly take things out on DP and his son. This obviously causes issues....
but I'm so sick of sharing what should be my home with someone who lives like a slob (thankfully he pretty much lives in his room) and takes the piss without giving anything back.

So how can we move forward with this? It's hard enough now but I just foresee the summer arriving with the new baby and things getting more and more frustrating. He won't have moved out by then, I know. I can't continue the constant arguments with DP either. He says he understands my frustrations and has words with his son but it ultimately reverts back to the same old shitty situation....

@Caron2DS

How do you think he feels having to put up with his dad's gf all the time who is popping out babies when he already has 3 children to support?

^ Correct! Couldn't agree more

Its his home and his dad's house. Its none of your business if he pays rent.

You take out your frustrations on your DP and his son, and argue constantly with them. How is your 3 year old coping with the stress? It would seem easier for you to move back into your own home and your partner to be the one having to adapt. Unless his house is larger, nicer, more like the home you imagined and more convenient for you...and your house is smaller now you have 2 children.
Pity your SS is a bit too big to abandon in the woods. Children do grow up you know. Yours will be adults one day.

I've read most posts on this thread now. The op must have been living in the house with partner and his son for four years as she has a three year old, so her partner's son would have been 19 at the time, even if away studying it would have been his home. She said he did live away from home for a while and now has a good job.

What I am getting at is that everyone should be used to each other by now and at least be able to communicate.

In your position op, I'd insist the young man keeps the common living areas in the house tidy and try not to make mess. That's good manners. To share in cooking and clearing up afterwards, dishwasher etc. Most chaps like cooking. You don't say whether or not he has his own bathroom or shares it with everyone else but he should clean bath, shower, toilet etc. If he has a bathroom to himself he could clean it once a week, if shared, every day after using.

His bedroom is his own business but having dirty plates and cups in there is not on. Get him to change his own bedclothes. I presume he knows how to use a washing machine.

It won't be perfect and tbh a lot of young people are like your stepson when they are still living at home but it could work with a few tweaks. He won't be there forever.

The rent business really is not your affair, it's your partners. Plenty of parents don't charge their children rent, if they can afford not to.

In your position I'd employ a cleaner.

The biggest problem here is that you do not like this young man, the way you speak of him is quite vicious.

You have a house of your own but say you don't want to live alone with two young children. How about renting it to your partner's boy, he could house share there. Or you could move back and take a lodger.

You definitely cannot go on as you are.

OP, whilst you do have some valid criticisms/concerns, the real thing that stands out to me is that your attitude towards DSS is pretty awful. There are clearly issues but referring to him as a "lazy bastard" who is "ruining mine and my babies lives" as you think he is causing you to split is quite ironic. This young man presumably had his "life ruined" when he was a child! Now his father is trying to help him out. He is extremely unlikely to throw his DS out to appease you- and I would think less of a partner who would do so.

I'm not sure your DP is doing his son any favours by letting him live for free (I don't think it's freeloading in the way you do though) and not taking on any share of the responsibility of the household chores. However, the money aspect is between them really. Especially as you seem to have quite separate finances. The only way it may be relevant is if there were financial problems and his contribution was vital, which is not something you mentioned in your OP or subsequent posts.

If your partner told you his DS was paying rent when he wasn't, then it would be reasonable to be angry with your DP for lying to you- but that is between you and DP and nothing to do with his DSS. To be angry with DSS about the fact your DP had lied to you would be very unfair.

Moreover, you moved into your DP's house when his DS was there- so you accepted the status quo. You chose to be in a relationship with this man, knowing he had children and probably emotional baggage relating to that situation. It was always going to be complicated. Remember- you moved into his home initially.

Did you have a problem with your DSS living there when you moved in? Or did you assume DSS would leave and never return? Did your DP tell that DSS had been told to move out? Why did you move in and then choose to stay when you found this situation so intolerable? And then you chose to have children with your DP, when you cannot bear this situation? It seems odd to have done all of the above, yet believe it is the fault of everyone else.

You do have some valid concerns though (e.g. dirty plates in his room, not helping with meals/dishes). It is not unreasonable to expect him to contribute to the housework and should not always fall to you. But, in turn, you may have to accept that not everything may not be done in exactly the way you like it (especially if you are quite picky/house proud or whatever term you chose to use). My sense from your posts is that this will not be good enough, you'll still be unhappy.

Ultimately, you want DSS out and it doesn't sound like that is what DP or his DSS wants. You have to decide what you want, and if you cannot get that what compromises you are prepared to make. Is your view that DSS needs to move out or you will? But if you force that situation, you do have to consider the impact on your relationship with DP if that causes issues between him and his DS. And be prepared that he may not pick you. Is it that DSS has to keep communal areas tidy and contribute to the general housework? If so, work towards that.

Overall, you need to stop seeing DSS as the enemy. He isn't- issue is so much more complex than that.

Thing is OP, if your partner is any kind of man, he will pick his son every time over you.

And yes, he might back down and kick his son out in order to appease you and keep your two babies around. But make him choose you over his son and chances are, deep down, he'll hate you for it.

Think about it, would you choose a boyfriend over your own child?

Cuckoo in the nest comes to mind. I hope your dp is as fair as he sounds and stands by his son. I left home years ago and my lovely dad still says to me it's your home still! I know your step son is a slob and that needs sorted but think about it if it was your kids in the future op, how would you want it dealt with? Would you be happy with your kids being thrown out of there home because dad's girlfriend doesn't like it?