Adult stepson

[sunshineandmojitos]

This is a long one and I need to rant. Am I out of order?

So DP has 3 children from previous marriage 15-23. We have a 3 yo and a baby due in April.

His 23 yo son lives with us, rent free it emerges and does nothing around the house. Doesn't clean or contribute in anyway, leaves his bedroom in a total shit tip and eats dinner with us in the evening. Dinner that I cook. He doesn't clear up, leaves his dirty dishes in room until he's pestered to bring them to the dishwasher.... totally freeloads. I find it very difficult to establish a positive relationship with him as he is not only lazy but also rude and condescending.

There is talk of him moving out but he's making no headway on this situation and is pretty much waiting for his dad to organise something for him. He seems totally incapable of any adult responsibility.

We live in DP's house. I have my own property which I now rent out. I'm currently a SAHM and obviously pregnant. DP obviously pays for everything but it emerges that son contributes nothing. I feel DP allows him to get away with this as it stems back to years of guilt leaving his ex and family due to an affair. I raised my shock at the freeloading and he says he will ask him to pay, meant to do it a while ago....

We argue frequently over his son. I feel it's ruining our relationship, which quite frankly it is. I'm constantly frustrated and do admittedly take things out on DP and his son. This obviously causes issues....
but I'm so sick of sharing what should be my home with someone who lives like a slob (thankfully he pretty much lives in his room) and takes the piss without giving anything back.

So how can we move forward with this? It's hard enough now but I just foresee the summer arriving with the new baby and things getting more and more frustrating. He won't have moved out by then, I know. I can't continue the constant arguments with DP either. He says he understands my frustrations and has words with his son but it ultimately reverts back to the same old shitty situation....

Perhaps getting a cleaner that SS pays for?

Why on earth should the son pay for a cleaner? He works full time and I'm presuming the dad does too, op is the one sat at home not contributing to any bills

You would no way be charging your DC rent to live in their family home. He was there first. For twenty years.

You cannot make him leave, obviously, that would be very destructive. So you will need to decide what you want - clean home? For him to cook?

You can’t really complain he isn’t growing up and then not allow him to use the kitchen.

Dear mumsnet, my dad has moved a new woman into our house. She lives here free and hates me. I try to avoid her as much as possible. She's now demanding I pay rent to live in my house, or move out. She's got a house of her own. AIBU to say she should go back there if she doesnt like it here?

What they said ^

Move home or suck it up.

Just a thought, Fuchs. Mine don’t pay rent, but we split the household chores up between us all. Seems reasonable that everyone contributes something. But perhaps OP will move out first.

What longway said.

In practice I think the new baby will shift him. But for the sake of everyone's relationship I'd have a chat all together and say "I love it when we all eat together, but now that I'm 11 months pregnant it's all getting a bit much - Dave, could you do the dishes? And 3 YO, could you set the table?" If need be tell him that it's to teach your little one to be more responsible.

Likewise with tidying.

I actually think it's positive that he eats with you.

OP the problem is this is a lot of your opinion about it - did you not speak to him before because it needs to be a joint opinion about it

For me - the rent would be fine for me. I would want them to save up to move out rather than pay me rent
I would also be fine with them eating dinner - he is part of the family

I would expect some household chores - minimum bring down dishes etc and help tidy but not necessarily to clean freak standards

He has a job though so how can you say he does no adult responsibility

OP just doesn’t like this guy being around and is now on manouveres.

Hard to fathom where the age old “wicked stepmother” trope comes from.

Move back to yours, it doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is over, but your partner will possibly decide to "sort out" his son, who he is doing no favours to. (apart from freebie rent)
You say" I know it's his home too, but I am not his cleaner or mother, I just can't stick living with his rudeness.& filth.
I need peace & harmony for my children."

It's your DP's house, he's definitely allowed to decide his son continues to live there, just as he was allowed to decide to move you in. Whether he charges rent or not is, quite simply, none of your business. You can't expect everyone else in the house to change their ways to accommodate your preferences. Relax a bit and decide his room is his business, and let your DP and his son sort this out between them. You'll all be much happier.

What is the next generation going to come to when Mum and Dad are paying for everything, cooking meals, shopping and doing their washing how are they ever going to learn to be independent?

I think you will find there are plenty of people who's parents supported them into adulthood without any expectation of financial recompense or support with household chores who today hold down responsible positions in the workplace and pay mortgages and bills without any problem whatsoever. Indeed, my mum's mantra was always 'I didn't have you to get money out of you'.

I need peace & harmony for my children

Maybe the Son wants peace and harmony in HIS OWN HOME.

Do the other two children come round OP?

It sounds as though you have a fairly hostile and confrontational relationship with him. You need to change the tone, be friendly and kind to him and try to find things you like about him, maybe get him involved with your young DCs. You're the adult (in the context of the relationship), you need to set the tone. Over time you can build a better relationship and then you will feel better about having him there. Think if he was your son, living with a hostile adult, how would you feel. And try positive reinforcement rather than criticism

"We have a 3 yo and a baby due in April."

Is your 3 yo also your partner's child?

If so, your partner's son was significantly younger (still at school? Just left?) when you moved in.

It does seem that it is his home and, as long as his father is happy with that (especially as you and he own separate houses), then he should not be evicted. It's certainly not unusual nowadays for twenty-somethings to live in the family home.

Where do your partner's other children live? How old are they? Fifteen and what? Still dependant, yes, so presumably it is their 'home' too, at least when they are with their father.

It was stepsons home first. You say you arent contributing to bills but yet you fomplain stepson isnt?

*complain

Yeah you trying to force the kid out deffo won't drive a wedge between the 2 of you forever.

Think to yourself when he leaves you to get with another woman and have more kids wouldn’t you wAnt him to treat your kids like he is treating the SS ?

Which bit of him staying with you is making you unhappy.

He doesn’t pay any rent - do you need the money or is your dh earning enough for you to manage. I can see if you are struggling and he has lots of disposable income it could be annoying but if you are ok financially I would leave that between dp and dss.

His room is a mess - he is the one living in it. As long as it’s not spilling out then it’s his problem. Ask him to shut his door.

You have to cook for him - if you are cooking a meal anyway then it’s no harder to cook for 3 than 2. If he wants something different to what you’re cooking then ask him to make his own or order a takeaway.

He is rude and condescending - this has to stop.

I would ignore the first three. They are not really your problem. Ask dp to step in and address his rudeness to you and you can, hopefully, restore peace and in harmony to your (and his) home.

I say this as a step mother to 3 and mother to 3 (one of whom is 23) and having taken quite a while to work this out for myself.

With a man like this my first question is going to be 'works away from home a few nights a fortnight' doing what exactly?

So he left his first partner after giving her three children and then having an affair. He feels guilty about that? Bloody good. He should.

He has now fathered two additional children by you (were you the affair OP?) and is 'away' a few nights regularly. You're not married, and you live in his house.

If I were you I'd keep a short break clause on your own house OP; I think you'll be needing it back by and by.

Why women take up with men who have already shown themselves to be unreliable partners who like to make children then leave them I really do not know. Are there not enough men out there who haven't cheated on their wives?

And yes, you moved into the son's home and now want to change the status quo. This is unreasonable. Unless your partner advised this was not the status quo but just a temporary measure, in which case, he lied to you. Answer is the same in both cases - move back home. Your own home. Tell DP if you want to cohabit again, he'll need to sell or rent his home and either move into yours or rent/buy somewhere new together. Without the stepson.

I’ve got a stepmother like you.
One that wanted my dad but not me or my brother.
We were gradually squeezed out of his life - I knew it was over for DB and myself when it was made clear (by her) that my dads home (that she lived in rent free ) was HERS now, not a family home anymore.

We don’t see my dad anymore. I could weep everyday as I miss him so much. I don’t believe in hating people as it just makes you bitter but by Christ, I hate her. She has ripped my family apart.

Please please don’t end up being this woman. How would you want another woman to be with YOUR child in 20 years? Would you expect your child to feel resentment that a woman who has been with his dad a handful of years wants to Chuck you out of the home you have shared with your dad. Which relationship is more important ? The relationship between a man and a woman or an adult and their child?? In my world a child trumps a partner EVERY time.
You can have multiple partners but you only get one Mum and Dad.

Do a cleaning rota.
You are three adults all with full time roles living together, so split the housework 3 ways. Be nice to your DSS. Maybe he behaves with you like you do with Him??

YABU

I doubt my rather messy adult DS could live up to your "clean freak/immaculate "standards . He works and stays away from you as much as he can.

If my DP was expecting my DS to move out before he was ready I would tell them to jog on.

As PP have said, you should probably move back to your own home.

It sounds like you and your DH have fairly seperate finances, if you didn't realise his son wasn't paying rent? If that's right, then it seems like you asking him to charge his son rent isn't motivated by you needing the money as a family, but rather by you wanting to make a point of principle or to push the son to move out. That just seems mean.

(Incidentally, I think adult kids should pay something - even if it's put away for them towards a house deposit. But in the situation you're in with a man who already had kids, you have to consider all of the complications that come with that when you navigate this stuff).

To be honest, whilst you were sensible to retain your house, I think you were foolish to have moved into your DH's house (and what sounds like his son's family home). If you'd bought a house together, then it would still have been reasonable for you DH to want to offer his other kids a place to live (and unreasonable for you to refuse), but you would have had a say in the details of the arrangement (e.g. charging board).

You'll possibly never be on an equal footing whilst you live in your DH's house (rather than a house you bought together).

It sounds like your DSS could be a lot worse - at least he has lived independently and he works. I think you should focus on addressing the behavioural stuff and improving your relationship.

Incidentally, what happens to the rent you earn on your property?