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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult stepson

107 replies

sunshineandmojitos · 10/01/2019 19:52

This is a long one and I need to rant. Am I out of order?

So DP has 3 children from previous marriage 15-23. We have a 3 yo and a baby due in April.

His 23 yo son lives with us, rent free it emerges and does nothing around the house. Doesn't clean or contribute in anyway, leaves his bedroom in a total shit tip and eats dinner with us in the evening. Dinner that I cook. He doesn't clear up, leaves his dirty dishes in room until he's pestered to bring them to the dishwasher.... totally freeloads. I find it very difficult to establish a positive relationship with him as he is not only lazy but also rude and condescending.

There is talk of him moving out but he's making no headway on this situation and is pretty much waiting for his dad to organise something for him. He seems totally incapable of any adult responsibility.

We live in DP's house. I have my own property which I now rent out. I'm currently a SAHM and obviously pregnant. DP obviously pays for everything but it emerges that son contributes nothing. I feel DP allows him to get away with this as it stems back to years of guilt leaving his ex and family due to an affair. I raised my shock at the freeloading and he says he will ask him to pay, meant to do it a while ago....

We argue frequently over his son. I feel it's ruining our relationship, which quite frankly it is. I'm constantly frustrated and do admittedly take things out on DP and his son. This obviously causes issues....
but I'm so sick of sharing what should be my home with someone who lives like a slob (thankfully he pretty much lives in his room) and takes the piss without giving anything back.

So how can we move forward with this? It's hard enough now but I just foresee the summer arriving with the new baby and things getting more and more frustrating. He won't have moved out by then, I know. I can't continue the constant arguments with DP either. He says he understands my frustrations and has words with his son but it ultimately reverts back to the same old shitty situation....

OP posts:
lunar1 · 11/01/2019 09:05

You resent him eating food you cook but don't want him cooking in the kitchen.

Your post is dripping with resentment. You didn't set up a home together with your dp, you moved into his family home, where he has an established routine with his children.

Honestly if you don't like it, move out. Maybe try again starting on equal footing where you are equals in the home. You just don't get to move into an established home and decide how everything should work. Maybe your partner is enabling his son to save up for a house deposit by not changing rent.

steff13 · 11/01/2019 09:15

I also don't want this lazy bastard ruining mine and my babies life by splitting up their family.

Yikes.

xMSx · 11/01/2019 09:22

I see too many posts of step parents pushing out the older step children to make way for their own children. I’m sure a step child would very much rather swap with their half siblings and have both their parents together. Don’t make their lives any harder by treating them as a lower priority than your children.

However, I do think 23 is too old to not be contributing to rent etc.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/01/2019 09:24

Ease off OP I would suggest..all you are doing is causing a rift between father and son..23 or not lazy or not he is part of the family he is as important as any other child and he was there in existance before you were...tread carefully and maybe try to include and befriend him because if the dad has anything about him his kids will come before you everytime....its harsh but true. sorry...

xMSx · 11/01/2019 09:24

I also don't want this lazy bastard ruining mine and my babies life by splitting up their family.
What an awful thing to say about somebody who themselves has a ‘ruined’ life with having a split family.

JaceLancs · 11/01/2019 09:27

If DH house I suggest whether his DS contributes is up to him
If you are paying towards bills and food then yes you should talk to them both and negotiate a contribution towards what DS actually costs
I have DS 25 who lives with me - his room is a no go area - his space he decides
Communal areas have to be kept to an acceptable standard -
I’m not a cleaning freak but am a neat freak and accept that is my issue - so if not tidy enough for me it’s up to me to do it
You sound like you want it all your way with no consideration for DSS or your DH

TacoLover · 11/01/2019 09:28

Dear mumsnet, my dad has moved a new woman into our house. She lives here free and hates me. I try to avoid her as much as possible. She's now demanding I pay rent to live in my house, or move out. She's got a house of her own. AIBU to say she should go back there if she doesnt like it here?

This. How come his own son who was living there before you has to contribute and you don'tConfused

Caron2ds · 11/01/2019 09:56

YABU. It's your dss home more than yours. I bet he hides in his room to avoid you. You pay nothing yourself!
You need to move out, not him. At 23 he is still quite young and should be able to stay at home if he wants to. Rent free too, which it is up to his father not you.
How do you think he feels having to put up with his dad's gf all the time who is popping out babies when he already has 3 children to support?
Every baby you have takes away from these 3 children so don't expect them to be happy about you either.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 11/01/2019 10:14

You need to let go of the resentment or move out.

If your DP is any sort of decent man then his loyalty to his son ranks above his loyalty go you (not the children you have together though - but they are not affected by this situation it’s you who is upset).

Your Partners son sounds immature and a bit lazy. But he’s not doing anything that terrible. Whether he pays rent or not is absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s not your house and you are not in any way financially supporting him yourself.

Your resentful of this young man is very clear and is really sad to read. I’d be very surprised if your partner wanted to stay with you if he knew about the way you spoke/thought of his son.

The most striking thing is your self centreness. What you want for yourself and your children without any thought to what your partner and his son want.

fanfan18 · 11/01/2019 10:24

God the guy is 23! Why is everyone talking like he is a little child. He need to get a job, move out and become an adult.

fanfan18 · 11/01/2019 10:24

I can't believe a pregnant woman is being told to "get over it or move out".

DP needs to step up.

LatentPhase · 11/01/2019 10:25

Wow at the tone of these posts.

If the OP comes back I’ll eat my hat!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/01/2019 10:34

I can't believe a pregnant woman is being told to "get over it or move out"

She has her own home, why should she live there not paying a penny and expect the son to move out when it is HIS home?

cuppycakey · 11/01/2019 10:40

fanfan you need to re read the OP posts.

The DSS has a well paid job. OP thinks he is lazy because he does not keep his room clean to her standards. She has moved into his home. His age is irrelevant.

If this was the DPs father rather than son, the advice would be the same. It's not her business as she has moved into the house with this as the status quo. The DP obviously likes things as they are - OP says she has had multiple arguments with him and nothing changes.

If this is causing OP so much distress then yes, moving out does appear to be her best option.

krustykittens · 11/01/2019 10:50

The fact is, OP, you have moved into another family's home and now you expect you and your children to take precedence. YABU. As others have pointed out, times have changed and young adults are home for a lot longer. He has a good job, you can have a word with him about general levels of hygiene but that is it. Don't like it? Go back to your own place. Like others, I am shocked at your comment that this young man will split your children's family! His father has already split this young man's family once by having an affair and now he has moved a pregnant girlfriend into the house who wants him out! I wonder if he has ever felt secure at home?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 11/01/2019 10:54

also don't want this lazy bastard ruining mine and my babies life by splitting up their family.

What a nightmare stepmother. He probably views you in the exact same way.
Cannot get over the fact you have actually used the phrase ruin your life. Fucking awful. You have moved in to his house, start a new family with his Dad, now you're trying to dictate what he should and shouldn't do/pay when you live in his home. Unless you are considering getting married, having shared finances, etc then frankly I don't think it's for you to dictate at all what happens.
He's not being that tidy and not paying rent. A deal he has with HIS FATHER, not you. How about stop trying to ruin everyone's lives and cause an issue with him? He's not exactly on his room doing drugs all day is he?

I don't normally get funny with things on mumsnet but frankly I feel sorry for him. The older child that the stepmum doesn't seem to want around, because her own babies are on the way.

Gin96 · 11/01/2019 11:00

How long is he a precious little boy who can stay rent free and have his fathers pregnant girlfriend run round after him, 33, 43?
I have an adult son who lives at home, guess what shock horror, he pays rent, he cooks for himself, shops and does his own washing, someone should call social services 😒
I do agree it must be hard to see your dad start a new family, a very difficult situation. I personally would of set ground rules before I moved in. I would not be running round after a man child, not even my own son.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 11/01/2019 11:04

gimme the OP didn't say that. Someone else did.

Boysandbuses · 11/01/2019 11:06

I have an adult son who lives at home, guess what shock horror, he pays rent, he cooks for himself, shops and does his own washing, someone should call social services

The op doesn't want him cooking etc because it won't be done to her immaculate standards.

My mum was the same. I moved out at 19. Whenever anyone tried to do anything she just winged about it not being how she would do it, not good enough etc.

Except in this case it's his dad's girlfriend that will be whining.

Boysandbuses · 11/01/2019 11:07

ohreallyohreallyoh I think you will find that she did

Pernickity1 · 11/01/2019 11:16

You sound a bit horrible about him to be honest OP “lazy bastard” - I’d be horrified if someone spoke about my child that way. Imagine when your son grows up and if he lives with his dad and stepmum (quite plausible - lepord, spots, all that jazz) and she referred to him as a “bastard”. Grim situation I agree, but I doubt you’re helping matters with your attitude.

peachchair · 11/01/2019 11:27

Oh I don’t like the attitude of this post. It’s really rings of old dc ruining new family.
He’s 23 and you’re looking at things through old fashioned eyes. Sure a 23 year old is old enough to manage his life but in today’s world it’s quite common that a lot of people that age would have only just started working in real world and cling onto their families just to get by and not struggle working with place of their own etc.

Someone I know sounded exactly like you and managed to manoeuvre the step son out just before she had baby as he was ruining ‘her home ’ by staying in his room all day. He no longer speaks to his dad. I think it’s you that needs to move out if your dh is not willing to sort this out. Like I said to the lady I knew, I’d be pissed off if my dh threw out dd our at that age because the new wife told him so. Hopefully I won’t be in that situation but dc stay at home longer these days. They need more support to get out the family home. It’s nasty to throw them out before they’re ready especially as it would appear your dh is doing zero to help them in a positive way. Even if stepson is useless in your eyes he’s still your dh son.

It doesn’t come to everyone naturally to be a ‘grown up’. If my parents had thrown me out on return from uni I’d have done no where near as well as I have done. I finally realised 6 months of pissing about perhaps I didn’t want to live with my parents forever. Ask the stepson (who’s also the brother to your dc) to change nappies etc when baby is here, even if he refuses and shirks off, he’ll soon be reconsidering his life choices I’m sure. Good luck. No one wants for an unhappy home.

cuppycakey · 11/01/2019 11:35

I also don't want this lazy bastard ruining mine and my babies life by splitting up their family.

OP said this at 20.02 yesterday is anyone missed it......

loubluee · 11/01/2019 11:38

It’s women like you that give step mothers a bad name!

If I found out you were treating my ds like this as his step mum, all hell would break out. My son is 18, but at 23 will have only just started working after graduating.

Therefore he would be saving every penny for house deposits etc. There would be no way I or his father would be charging him rent etc.

If his step mother (who has moved into their home actually), made the claims you did, I can guarentee she wouldn’t be their much longer. Because me and his father have the same views- our children can stay with us no matter how long that is.

You sound so nasty. If you ever split up from your partner you had better pray he doesn’t end up with someone who shares your views. Because I can’t for one minute imagine you agreeing with them!!

AuRevoirAdios · 11/01/2019 11:57

*but I'm so sick of sharing what should be my home with someone who lives like a slob (thankfully he pretty much lives in his room) and takes the piss without giving anything back.

So how can we move forward with this? It's hard enough now but I just foresee the summer arriving with the new baby and things getting more and more frustrating. He won't have moved out by then, I know.*

I'm confused. You are sick of sharing what should be your home with someone else who's home it should also be? You have less right to be there than him and your destructive ways will damage your relationship with DSS (if he doesn't hate you already), damage your relationship with your partner AND damage your children.

Why should he have to move out because you decided to move in and take over? And I'm going to get flamed for this but why oh why get pregnant in this situation, it's obviously not just cropped up over night.

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