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Original poster

Adult stepson

107 replies

sunshineandmojitos · 10/01/2019 19:52

This is a long one and I need to rant. Am I out of order?

So DP has 3 children from previous marriage 15-23. We have a 3 yo and a baby due in April.

His 23 yo son lives with us, rent free it emerges and does nothing around the house. Doesn't clean or contribute in anyway, leaves his bedroom in a total shit tip and eats dinner with us in the evening. Dinner that I cook. He doesn't clear up, leaves his dirty dishes in room until he's pestered to bring them to the dishwasher.... totally freeloads. I find it very difficult to establish a positive relationship with him as he is not only lazy but also rude and condescending.

There is talk of him moving out but he's making no headway on this situation and is pretty much waiting for his dad to organise something for him. He seems totally incapable of any adult responsibility.

We live in DP's house. I have my own property which I now rent out. I'm currently a SAHM and obviously pregnant. DP obviously pays for everything but it emerges that son contributes nothing. I feel DP allows him to get away with this as it stems back to years of guilt leaving his ex and family due to an affair. I raised my shock at the freeloading and he says he will ask him to pay, meant to do it a while ago....

We argue frequently over his son. I feel it's ruining our relationship, which quite frankly it is. I'm constantly frustrated and do admittedly take things out on DP and his son. This obviously causes issues....
but I'm so sick of sharing what should be my home with someone who lives like a slob (thankfully he pretty much lives in his room) and takes the piss without giving anything back.

So how can we move forward with this? It's hard enough now but I just foresee the summer arriving with the new baby and things getting more and more frustrating. He won't have moved out by then, I know. I can't continue the constant arguments with DP either. He says he understands my frustrations and has words with his son but it ultimately reverts back to the same old shitty situation....

OP posts:
Madeline88 · 11/01/2019 06:49

He is your DP’s son! I hope you have the same attitude when your children are 23.

giftsonthebrain · 11/01/2019 06:52

really the 23 yr olds behaviour doesn’t sound too unusual.
What is he doing to find work, what has he studied? Is he depressed? Is he kind to others?

DarkArts · 11/01/2019 06:56

He probably resents you too, it's his home.

Boysandbuses · 11/01/2019 06:56

It's his and it's his son home. Yes he should do more around the house but if you and his dad are so amazing at it keeping up and have such high standards, I can imagine you wouldn't be happy of he did.

Dollymixture22 · 11/01/2019 07:04

I can see both side of this. Lots of adults still live at home at that age - and lots of adults are lazy slobs - particularly in that age group. Not all obviously before I get flamed.

It’s his home too and you need to tread carefully, in twenty years you may well have the same experience with one of your kids, will you feel the same way. Or will the frustration be more affectionate?

He will likely move out eventually - particularly if he has a well paid job.

Leave the rent - he should be contributing but it might be better to stay out of that thorny issue incase you become the evil step mum! How about talking to him like an adult about come house rules. No dirty dishes in bedrooms is a common sense rule that he would be familiar with since childhood. It’s a rule for everyone - even have a joke about it. You want home to feel comfortable in his own home, but not so comfortable that he trashes it.

LatentPhase · 11/01/2019 07:06

To those saying send him away volunteering, OP days DSS has a good job and can well afford to move out (so actually it’s not all bad) Perhaps he just likes being catered for an having loads of disposable income!

I can see why you feel this way OP. Your feelings are totally understandable but I also think your feelings are normal in blended families. About feeling an outsider in your own home etc., parenting differences, your feelings towards dss aren’t going to be the same as the way you’d feel towards your own dc.

There are only certain things within your control wrt the stepson. Maybe he will move out in his own time.

In the meantime try and get your OH to understand how you feel.

The only real power you have, though, is to move back out.

Stardustinmyeyes · 11/01/2019 07:18

I couldn't understand why many the posters were unpleasant.
Then it dawned on me, you're the stepmother Op.
Second most hated women on Mumsnet

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 11/01/2019 07:20

Most young adult children are lazy entitles slobs to some degree, when they still live with their parents. They don’t tend to become fully formed, clean and tidy, responsible adults until they leave home and have children of their own.

Your children will probably be the same. It’s not at all easy to afford to leave home as a 23 yo single male these days. The Set up of the average British family has changed in that respect. He might need to be with you until he’s 30 yet. And the others might need to come at some point.

Perhaps your DH doesn’t take rent from him because he realises that it only prolongs his son’s ability to accumulate enough savings to set up on his own somewhere.

This is what happens when you marry a man who already has a family and you want him to start a second one.

Cheerbear23 · 11/01/2019 07:21

I’m with the ‘you moved into his home’ camp too. Havt you ever considered that he probably resents you too.
However from the point of view of your relationship I can see why it’s making it difficult. I think he’ll go when the baby is born that will disrupt his set up.
I think if he doesn’t move after the baby arrives you need to consider whether you actually want to live there or move back on your own, living on your own terms.

TheBigBangRocks · 11/01/2019 07:24

Its quite clear you resent him and want it to be just your children. Quite why so many choose a partner who already has chdilren knowing they only want part of the package is beyond me.

Even if he cleaned or paid a token rent you would still find reason to want him out.

From your DPs point of view, he's his son. If he lets him live rent free in the home he pays for in full then that's his decision. Legally you are just a girlfriend and like him pay no rent.

You can't expect him to choose you over his son. Would you ditch your child for your latest bf if things were reversed?

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 11/01/2019 07:26

I wouldn’t expect my adult children to pay rent and I see it as a positive that he eats evening meal with you!!
I certainly wouldn’t want a lazy, scruffy person living in my house tho so maybe focus on what your problems actually are!
You can’t ask him to get his own child to move out! However old!
Does the son work? Do his own laundry? Pack his own lunch for work? X

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 11/01/2019 07:28

And yes, it’s really none of your business whether your DH charges him rent or. Ot. It’s your DHs house and your DHs earnings keeping a roof over your head right now. If you take on a man with existing children you have to accept his choices in how to parent them and financially support them. It’s not your place to start telling them how you think it should be. You worry about your own children and stop trying to force changes. It’s a recipe for disaster and you can’t possibly win that battle unless you want to be hated by his children forever more and give yourself years of grief.

BarbarianMum · 11/01/2019 07:32

So he has a well paid job and other than that stays in his bedroom. Not sure I see the problem then.

You dont need to cook for him or do his laundry - but then you will have to let him have use of the kitchen to do these things himself.

That you are a clean freak is very much your problem.

It would of course be nice if all step children would evaporate or at least live independently but sadly this is not always the case. Perhaps you shpukd have consudered that before starting a family with your dp and certainly before noving in with him.

JE17 · 11/01/2019 07:34

It sounds as though he doesn't pay rent because he's never been asked to.

cansu · 11/01/2019 07:37

Let's imagine that he is actually your son I suspect your whole attitude to cooking meals that he shares with the rest of the family et would be different. To you he is an inconvenience to his father he is family. You need to start to look at this from another perspective.

zzzzz · 11/01/2019 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatsmycoat · 11/01/2019 07:45

I know there are varying views on adult children paying rent on here but it’s not something I’d ever do.

A sudden change forced by a partner - when you were there first and it’s your home - never goes down well. I mean to give a for instance, my mum kept our family computer in her bedroom. It was never a problem at all my sister and I going on to do homework or whatever. She had a boyfriend who wasn’t even live in who went mad about it and it really pissed us off.

Personally I think you need to care about this young man - his well-being - not see him as a freeloading arsehole. Sorry to say this but the dislike for him really oozes out and it isn’t pretty.

Veganforlife · 11/01/2019 07:47

I've adult children,belive me ,you will be of a different opinion when your kids are that age.no way will you be kicking them out.you will be encouraging them to save for their future and not charging rent..this is because he's not your child.
I really wouldn't try to make your dp choose...you might get a nasty shock.

WofflingOn · 11/01/2019 07:48

Think very clearly about the top three things that annoy you, and decide if they are reasonable and logical objections. Talk to your partner, preferably with solutions you have already thought about, that don’t just involve your SS moving out. Perhaps getting a cleaner that SS pays for? I have adult children living at home, and these conversations are an ongoing part of our house-sharing.
But you chose to be in a relationship with a man who has a complicated history and other children, so it needs to work a
like that. You can’t just sweep people out of your partner’s life .

Charley50 · 11/01/2019 07:48

I think you are being unreasonable. He's out at work all day and often in his room, and you still resent him. think you need to 'allow' him in the kitchen, and ask him to cook once a week. As a pp said, that you're a clean freak is your issue, not his. You also seem to be tying to drive a wedge between your DP and his DS. Not a good look.

AbsentmindedWoman · 11/01/2019 07:48

You do sound like you resent him, OP. He has a good job, keeps to himself in his room (this actually sounds a bit shit for him, really) and eats dinner with you all in the evening. Doesn't sound that awful to me.

How is he with your son?

Gin96 · 11/01/2019 07:56

How are these adult children ever going to grow up if you don’t charge them rent? You can save the rent for for a deposit on a house if you don’t need the money. What is the next generation going to come to when Mum and Dad are paying for everything, cooking meals, shopping and doing their washing how are they ever going to learn to be independent? I know a lady who’s in her 80’s her son is still at home and she is still the one doing all the cooking and cleaning, it should be the other way round.

OP if I were you, you need to give a time when he should leave whether that be 5 or 10 years time, i’m not talking tomorrow. You are not his mum, you shouldn’t be running round after him.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/01/2019 07:57

You actually have no right at all to have any opinion on this lad, you have moved in to HIS home, you are not contributing anything financially, you have had one baby disrupting the household and are now having another. It's none of your business if he is paying rent or not. If you don't like it then get your property back and move out.

thatsmycoat · 11/01/2019 07:58

Like I say gin people have different views on it. I personally feel that good financial training should kick in years before paying rent is an option.

All I know is that for my mum (now dead) sister and DDs, we don’t talk money. They’ve helped me out when I’ve needed it and I’ll return the favour. That’s what families do.

WofflingOn · 11/01/2019 07:59

Gin, it’s not her house and she’s not married to the owner, so how come she gets to serve an eviction notice?

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