Is this emotional abuse or am I over reacting

[Charlotte5267]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and living with my DH.
Before I was pregnant we both used to drink rather too much (I'd get through 2 large glasses of wine a night easily some of the time even more). Obviously I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I know that this level of drinking was by no means ok.
We've been married for four years and have rowed on on off but since I have become pregnant my DH has totally changed.
He disagrees with everything I say/ suggest and tells me how wrong I am.
He won't have sex with me anymore.
He's still going out drinking and lies about where he has been and how much he has had.

If I try and argue he just walks away muttering how stupid I am under his breath and laughing.
We've had a few of blazing rows recently and they have always started the same way. I come home and find him drunk which he denies. Last night I confronted him and stupidly provoked him by saying I was worried about leaving a child alone with him if he's going to drink this much. He followed me into the bedroom and threw the TV remote at me and started on the usual arguments all screamed in my face -
My family are horrible and money obsessed (They are not and have always supported him and taken him on big holidays)
I'm horrible to his mother and she is a kind person. He then switched to calling both me and his mother c**ts.
None of our friends like me and they have all complained to him about how horrible I am.
I'm weak and pathetic like my mother.
Our son is going to end up mad like me. (I'm not mad but I have been crying at the slightest thing since about 10 weeks)
I will never cope with having this baby.
I treat him like a lodger (I own the property and he contributes towards bills etc)
All the things I'm interested in/ projects I'm working on get referred to as shitty and crappy.
I'm lazy.
My job is crap and I'm crap at it.
All the time he is yelling in my face and I can't get a word in. I try and get to the front door but he blocks the way saying that I'm making him out to be a monster.
I packed a bag last night and begged him to let me out but he just got even more upset and said I was being stupid and weak.
We've had about 6 of these big rows since I found out I was pregnant (we had planned to have a baby) and everything I end up hysterical and terrified and I'm worried it will hurt the baby.
I don't have any friends anymore as I don't see anyone. I'm always worried I will say the wrong thing to people. Most of my friends are his friends too.
Hes constantly on his phone and carries it everywhere with him and gets aggressive if I ask what he's doing on it.
It was our wedding anniversary the day of his works Christmas lunch. He promised he would come home straight after. We had agreed to stay in as I'm always so tired which I appreciate can be very dull for him. Last year we went to Rules for a beautiful £200 meal that I treated us to. This year he came back an hour later than he said he would be. He was drunk and stinking of fags. I went to lie down and he followed me into the bedroom and passed out next to me. He woke up long enough to eat the pizza I'd ordered and then passed out again. When hes been drinking he takes up lots of space in the bed and I worry about him kneeing me in the bump so I sleep on the very edge of the bed.
He was supposed to learn to drive (we live in London so have never needed to) before the baby arrived. He booked his theory but only went over the revision the night before so failed and has done nothing since. If I ask him when he's planning to take the test again he get cross and says hes doing everything else (he did re paint the kitchen as we are looking to move to a bigger place).
He doesn't think that we should get a joint mortgage when we move and that everything should stay in my name which seems odd.
I feel like I can't do anything right anymore and I'm so lonely. I don't want to tell my parents as my nan is on end of life care and they have enough to worry about and they live in the Midlands. Plus its probably not as bad as I'm thinking it is and its just my hormones. I'm hoping that the baby will cheer him up and he won't want to drink.
When he wakes up the morning after a fight hes so lovely and kind and sweet. He explains that we both get stressed and need to let off steam and that he loves me. I've let myself go and I am quite dull now that I'm so tired and not drinking so I get that it can't be an easy adjustment for him.
I've offered to leave and for us to go our separate ways but he just keeps saying 'You're being silly' over and over again.
Sorry for the rant.

Oh Charlotte- you deserve so much better, as does your child.

It doesn’t matter that the pregnancy was planned, what matters is the way he is treating you.

You’re no longer his girlfriend and drinking pal (drink is irrelevant to this as prior to being pregnant that’s your own business) you’re the mother to his child now. You’ll never be the same again. I think every mum will tell you the same.

His insults are nasty. Really vile and I hope I’m not overreaching when I suggest that he’s zeroing in on your biggest insecurities and using them to manipulate you and hurt you to the greatest extent he can.

That’s not your hormones; that’s sadistic and deliberate cruelty.

Like many other PPs I’ve had the same. You think it’s bad now- that he’s not the Centre of your world anymore- wait until you have a child who will always come before him.

You need a break from him. He either leaves and goes elsewhere (I’m going to be realistic and suggest you won’t leave him the first time- much as I’d like you to, I’m a cynic and realistic and understand how hard it is) or you force him.

Are you close to his family? If so, tell them. If he was my son I’d drag him out by his ear and he’d have the bollocking of his life.

You need support irl. Tell your family, tell women’s aid and ask for the advice of the police.

Not au fair with uk laws but if you are in a domestic abuse situation (which you are) as everything is in your name, he will be the one going.

Being a single mum is hard, but not impossible. You sound terrific, but completely overwhelmed. Let people help you and one day you’ll look back and congratulate yourself for doing this. It can be hard to see the Forest from the trees.

Take care

I've been through something similar and I put up with it on and off throughout the whole pregnancy. Pregnancy is draining as it is without this on top.

I have very few 'nice' memories of my pregnancy they are all clouded by shit behaviour, broken hopes and dreams. Tbh the few nice memories I do have are from when I woke up and just started to live my life without consideration to him. By this point though I was already 7/8 months. All the scans he came to I don't remember seeing my baby it's all the drama and hurt he caused even sat in the hospital waiting room.

If I could turn back time I would have ditched him on day 1. If you leave now there's plenty of time for him to see the error of his ways and try to repair the damage his behaviour has caused and if not it's his loss.

It's abuse. Your not over reacting. I was too scared to open up to anyone In real life but looking back this would have been the best thing to do.

Good luck. Praying you find strength to make the best decisions for you and baby

Please speak to your midwife about this. You won't have failed, failure would be to allow this man to beat you down over time, mentally and physically, you deserve better xx

Refusing to live like this and making him leave unless his behavior changes is not failing anything! Failure would be to allow this man to continue to beat you down over time mentally & emotionally as well as physically and allowing your baby to live in such a situation! He is not going to “cheer up” after the baby is born! He’s not sad! I never once missed not drinking while pregnant and neither did my husband who also didn’t drink much during those 9 months because it’s not necessary to drink to have fun and that doesn’t mean you’re “boring” now or have let yourself go. I’m worried about your situation, OP

It sounds like you're making excuses for him which isn't surprising as he's being abusive and that's hard to see sometimes - especially when, very characteristically of abusive partners (to confuse you and make you stay/put up with it) he's then lovely and sweet in the morning.

This isn't a case of not being as bad as you are making out, this is a case of you not realising how bad it is. His manipulation is doing this and the behaviour I mentioned above.

It's difficult to say you should leave as I'm not sure I could bring pregnant, it's the worst time to think of leaving. But you will be ok. Whether you leave now or when the baby is a few months old and you're a little stronger, please leave or encourage him to get help with you in relationship counselling. It may do him good to hear you tell a counsellor in front of him all the things you listed above that he screamed at you - right now he's not seeing that as a problem - nor are you really - and you both need to realise that's a big problem and is abusive towards you.

I hate to think of anyone pregnant and feeling alone. If you need to chat - let me know

Maybe someone on here that lives near where she is message her maybe meet up and help her or something ( just a suggestion) she soulds like she needs help

This is way more than emotional abuse. Way more. It's only going to escalate too. Kick him out and if he won't leave have the police do it.

Charlotte - YOU have not failed. HE has. He has failed you, he has failed your child, he has failed as a man and a responsible partner and parent-to-be.

This is all on HIM.

But what you do about it now is on you. First, tell your parents - I know they've a lot on, but just imagine how they'd feel to know that you were going through a properly shit time and didn't tell them - if they're decent parents (are they?) then they WANT to know you're in danger, scared, don't know what to do etc. Decent parents will WANT to help you.

Next, as said, talk to any friends you feel might actually still be friends, regardless of what your H said. Get support. Have someone local you can call if you feel endangered.

Talk to a solicitor. Find out what you legally can and can't do to safeguard yourself.

See if your local police have a domestic violence unit and if there is anyone there you can talk to.

If you haven't worked it out already, you ARE in a domestic violence relationship - just because he hasn't actually broken your arm or blackened your eye yet, doesn't mean he won't. this is a search to show you how many sites there are discussing DV in pregnancy - loads - please read some of the links.

He will NOT improve, he is only likely to get worse. Do not "hang on in there", hoping against the odds that he will be "different". Safeguard yourself and your baby.

Charlotte, you've been very quiet, I guess all the unanimous support is overwhelming, but I hope you're still reading and taking comfort from it even though it must be so scary. Sending you and the great thing here is there's always someone around, when you're ready people are here to point you in the right direction.

In the meantime, I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do.

It really doesn't matter about his stress or his potential breakdown, what matters is you and your baby. Please speak to your family, to Women's Aid and to your midwife asap. There is support, you can do this.

So sorry op that this is what you are experiencing at such an important time for you. Please get him out of the house. This reminds me of my ex's behaviour - completely selfish and cruel. They really don't get any better. Do you really want you and your child to live like this. Years of hideous behaviour, interspersed with bouts of normalcy when he realises he has gone too far, until you wake up one day and realise you have wasted your life and damaged your children? Do it now, please.

You ok Charlotte?

I cannot believe , you are asking this question, yes this is abuse, in every shape and form of abuse you can think of, BUT, how long before the frustrated, abusive words fail, and he hits you????? DO NOT WAIT, get HIM OUT.
It's your home, it's your base, secure yourself , your home, the rest, including peace will follow, exactly, why do you need this man???.
Your home, your right's to be safe in your home, please, please , get him out. The stress cannot be doing your pregnancy any good, A question for you, if anything happen's to YOU, would you want this man bringing up your child? you know the answer.
Police are there more these day's than ever to HELP, with this situation, they will work with multiple organisation's eg, Women's Aid, Domestic Abuse Units, you have not got to leave your home.
Call someone, anyone, do not let us read about another woman's death in the paper please, you don t need scaring I think your already pretty scared as it is, lovely, this is no way to live.
Best Wishes .

He's an alcoholic. He's a liar. He's emotionally and physically abusive (throwing the remote). If you don't have the strength to leave him for you, then leave him for the baby. You do not want to bring this baby into an unsupportive and negative atmosphere. You can do it.

@Charlotte5267 how are you this morning? I hope everything is OK. Please let us know.

@Charlotte5267 havent heard from you hope you are ok?

I think it’s most likely that she isn’t at all ready to hear the truth about her relationship, and the implications of this. It takes so many women in abusive relationships years and years to get to the point where they are able to call it a day

You do t have to do this alone

Don’t

To those saying kick him out or change the locks, it isn't that simple. OP needs legal advice as when I was in the same situation (house was in my name only) I was told that it was my husband's home too. I ended up having to persuade him and negotiate his permanent departure. The law may have changed since then, but please seek legal advice OP before you do anything. You can normally get a free hour's consultation with a solicitor so please look into it. Good luck xx

that it was my husband's home too and I couldn't just change the locks, no matter if he was abusive

As stated several times, my advice would be to confide in a friend or family member and speak to Women’s Aid

AND call the police if you feel scared by him

7 pages in and everyone is saying the same, he is an abusive bastard. Take heed of the lived experience and advice on here, it could save your life.

The baby will be yet another tool he will use against you! It wont be 'your crap at your job' it will be 'your a crap mother, the baby is better off with me, if you kick me out I am taking the baby, is it even mine?!' DUMP HIM! KICK HIM OUT!

My ex did this to me for 5 years, i was fat, i was ugly, no one else would have me because I have a kid, i was lazy! I changed the locks and was immediately happier! Like a cloud had lifted!